fmil still upset over guestlist, stopped speaking to Fh, I'm feeling guilty!

Oh Chloe, she sounds awful and I am so sorry she has put you in this position and speaks of you that way. The saving grace you have is that your FH seems to have your back, as he should, and whilst it is horrible that this situation has escalated to the point he and his mum fell out, the bottom line is SHE is in the wrong, not you two. To say it is mean is quite frankly ridiculous, it is a wedding! She needs to look at her own behaviour, she may be upset but it really is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and with everything else going on in the world, it is extremly selfish and does she think it is ok to upset you and your FH? Personally I would actually say that to her, give her a reality check and say to her she doesnt have to come if she feels that passionatly about it, as you are not changing your stance, so she needs to accept it or dont come.

The text exchange clearly shows that she is a narcasitic control freak and completly glosses over the fact yopu had an accident, sadly people like that will never see the bigger picture and you will no doubt never win as they will escalate their behaviour to excerte conrol, it is a reletless cycle so you have to cut it. It is your wedding and she is being mean and upsetting you which she has no right to do and is not ok. As hard as it is you both need to just stop reaching out to her or entertaining any discussion over it. You have made your decision which is yours to make and the people concerned aer aware of the situation so it is done. I can tell you now being ignored will wind her up even more, it is like dealing with a child, they hate being ignored, and as an adult she cant control, which is what she is trying to do and will hate it. IF she does try to open the discussion again your FH must politly but firmly tell her it is not up for discussion anf that he finds her behaviour and attitude toward you unacceptable. She doesnt have to like your decisions but she needs to respect them and just leave it be. I know is easy to say, but who cares what she thinks of you, your FH loves you and you are going to embark on an amazing life together. We had a few issues with peoples opinions of my FH when we first got together but our motto is that this is our journey, come along with us if you want if not, your loss! Wishing you all the best and hope for a speedy recovery. Stay strong X

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Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thought out reply Charlotte

I think you're right about not saying anything. Anything we do say will probably just be spun by her into something that tries to make us look bad when really its on her to make amends right now.

I love your motto! It's exactly how I feel but I feel so guilty because it feels like it's unfair that my parents are being amazing and his mother's being awful - I know that's ridiculous because I have no control over how she acts but I guess it's because it feels like it's coming from the fact that she so clearly has a problem with me

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It is so hard as all you want to do is be part of the family, but at the end of the day you have tried and it goes both ways, it will be her loss in the end as you go on to build an amazing life with her son and her bitterness will come to a head and she will be left out through no fault but her own. In time others will see that she is the catalyst as I am sure this behaviour manifests in other areas and people are too afraid to challenge her, but deep down know it is wrong. Be the bigger person, maintain a dignified silence and if you have to walk away then do so, your wellbeing is most important. You have enough love in your life to make up for this persons negativity and that is where you should focus your energy. I am so glad that your parents are being supportive and respecftul of your choices. I can see from your profile pic how in love you two are, you are a very cute couple, and the dog! Wishing you all the love and luck in the world X

I dont think i need to put anythin Charlotte has saud exactly what i was going to say i do hope that she does come round and stop making you both feel guilty x

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Thank you, that's so kind of you to say - I appreciate this so much

We are all here if you need to talk xx💗

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Thank you, I appreciate it so much

FH is really cross at his mother and has let out a few other things she said to him - she completely won't accept that FH wants the things we want and is insisting that I must be being a bridezilla and my family (who she's never even met and have been nothing but supportive!) are forcing everything on him

It's completely not true, as FH and I decided our guestlist, venue and wedding party together before we told anyone we were engaged so we could feel confident we were making the most crucial decisions just as a couple and not being swayed by anyone else.

I'm trying to just be quietly supportive of him, and let him be cross at his mother himself without any further input from me. He's planning on writing her an email putting his foot down again, saying his piece and informing her that's the last he'll be entertaining these discussions with her. I'm just trying to hold myself together and not show how upset I am about how badly she thinks of me/my family and how awfully she's treating her son, as I want this to be his conversation so she has no ammunition against me. It's hard, trying to stay strong!!

View quoted message It is hard xx Im getting married without any of my family which didnt go down well so we dont talk anymore but its what we want x Stick to your guns dont feel like its your fault especially when its her who cant except what you both want i hope that when your h2b tells her then she might see the point you are trying to get across xx Fingers crossed thinking of ypu both xx💗

Wow, your MIL really is a piece of work, isn't she? Implying you deliberately injured yourself to ruin her special Sunday lunch takes ego-centric to a whole new level. I am so sorry that you and your FH are having to deal with this, but delighted that he is taking a stand - I know how hard it is to maintain boundaries with abusive parents.

Just remember, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Neither you nor your FH is responsible for your MIL choosing to act like a spoiled toddler. I think you are right to let FH deal with it himself and just give him support in the background - less ammo for MIL to use that way. Dealing with this kind of behaviour from a parent is incredibly difficult - if your FH continues to struggle with his feelings over this, it might be worth considering some counselling in the long-term, to provide him with some mental 'tools' to deal with it. Best wishes to you both x

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She IS acting like a spoiled toddler haha - that made me chuckle but you're absolutely right!

She's the only one on FH's side of the family kicking up a fuss about this - in fact FFIL (who is divorced from FMIL) and FGFIL (who is FMIL's father) have both just offered to contribute financially to the wedding so they're clearly supportive of what we're doing! - so I think I need to keep reminding myself of that. It's her problem, no one else's, and definitely not ours *DEEP BREATH*