Friendships post wedding

Thank you so much.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are going through a really tough time.

It sounds as if you are not happy with your job, your friendship group or the area in which you live right now. I think it might help if you work out which one of these things is bugging you the most.

If it's your location then the only thing you can really do is to move - but it might be worth exploring first why you suddenly no longer want to live there, when presumably you were happy pre-wedding.

If it is your job, are you realistically more likely to be able to get a different job you would enjoy more if you relocated? Or could you try looking for a new job where you are right now?

If it is the friendship group - friendships change over time, and this is likely to be true wherever you live. There is no reason why you can't make some good new friends in your current area as well as if you relocated.

I wonder if perhaps you are just grieving the end of a long-term friendship and also perhaps struggling to adjust to your friendship group moving into a new season? You refer to a 'friendship group', but the truth is that I found as I grew older, even if I stayed friends with the same people, we ended up meeting less as a 'group' and more as individuals. Once people start settling down and especially starting a family, the big group outings just don't happen much any more - or if they do, it tends to be based around a special event (usually one of the kid's birthdays!!!) It can be hard to adjust to a different way of doing friendships - I think moving into any new season can be tough, as there is always a sense of loss for the good things of the old season, even if you are able to feel excitement about the new season you are starting.

I also think this time of year is not helpful - longer nights and greyer days can easily bring our mood down. Try getting as much natural daylight as possible - go out for a brisk walk each day, even if it's only for a few minutes at lunchtime. It's amazing how much better I feel when I make myself do this!

Thank you so much RomanticGreenStationery27135 for your really kind reply.

You are right, I am not happy with my friendship group, job and area I live now. The friendships changed post wedding (as we did meet up as group often for so many years.) The biggest issue seems mostly due to this incident, where one friend became so angry and now the whole group is effected.

My job is extremely challenging socially, due to working alone. I think planning our wedding and being in touch with vendors and many other people, makes it even more of a contrast to go back to emailing alone mostly for 8 hours a day. I think the area we live had already started to feel wrong before we married, but we didn't know where else to move to at that time. I also loved being in the countryside getting married and we live in a town.

I might be able to cope with two of these issues, but all three is too much. Your suggestion to work out which is the biggest problem is really helpful. Getting sociable work might have the fastest positive impact to help it all.

And I think you are right about friendships moving into a new season. We were not really a 'group' but I think with the invention of WhatsApp (strange as it sounds) we became more of a group and now it has all fallen away (with the angry incident) and also with the birth of children. I think I will need to make some big changes to find the work, place and friends I now need.

I do believe getting married is a great opportunity to bring everyone together and sometimes renew friendships, but also painfully sometimes show some are not present anymore. It would be great to hear of anyone else going through this transition. Perhaps we could be of support to each other. Thanks so much.

Losing friends is so hard.

I lost a friend of more than 35 years shortly before I got married - if you'd asked me at any time in the past who I would have with me to get ready on my wedding day, I would have said her, no question. Yet she ended up not even being invited to my wedding. She ended up coming out with so many irrational accusations that I was worried about how she might act during the ceremony if she were invited! Sadly, I can't see this friendship ever being rebuilt as she continues to act very strangely to this day.

I had another friend who became very distant toward me in the leadup to the wedding. In this case, she was resentful of the fact that I was getting married when she wasn't. We've now been married just over three years, and she is starting to thaw, so I am hoping that in time, we can rebuild this friendship.

It's really hard, especially if you are the kind of person who is loyal to your friends and sticks to them for years. But it helps to accept that you are only responsible for your own actions, not those of others. You may find that in time, you are able to rebuild your friendship, although it will end up looking different to the way it did before. You may find that it is never restored. Either way, it is normal and healthy to grieve for what has been lost. Meanwhile, focus on the friendships you still have and look for ways to make new ones.

Thank you for sharing RomanticGreenStationery27135 it's really helpful to hear as I don't know anyone personally who lost a friend in a situation like this before our wedding, or had a quieter than hoped wedding morning.

I am the kind of person who is loyal to friends over years. I think the hardest for me, was we were there for each other for 25 years and then a few weeks before our wedding she got angry and stopped talking to me and made me feel like a monster. Even her partner stopped talking to my husband... it is one of the cruellest things I could imagine doing to a friend, just before their wedding. I found it exceptionally hard to be portrayed like that, as I would never want to harm anyone.

It is true we are only responsible for our actions. Thank you for mentioning grieving and also focusing on friendships I still have and looking for ways to make new ones. I really appreciate it, I've found it so hard to think through this, with everything having changed...

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Well our wedding was certainly much quieter than we planned - We got married in July 2020, so no reception allowed, no one allowed to get ready with me and everyone had to leave immediately after the ceremony! And while I was sad about the people who weren't able to make it and that I didn't get to get ready with my best friends, it really doesn't matter at all now we are three years on. We remember the good things about it and the things we missed out on don't really bother us. While you're planning the wedding, it can be all-consuming, but the reality is that it is the start of your married life, and a few years down the line you will have made so many other happy memories that the bits of your wedding that didn't turn out as planned won't bug you any more!

Ahhhh, I'm very sorry to hear that!!

The things we would change were that many friends and family we hoped were not there and that there was a severe weather warning but.... I do agree it is the start of married life and so many other happy memories to come, and I imagine / hope as time goes on they will bother us less.

We got married a bit older than most (having met later) and I really am so glad we have. It was a beautiful process (apart from the friend issue) and it feels like a real shift as a couple and individually. I have to stop looking at our wedding photographer, stylist, florist, makeup artists Instagram pages as I want to keep being a part of it, hahaha!

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Mid 40s and early 50s when we got married (first time for both of us) so I hear what you say about the shift! It does take a while to adjust, but it's worth it.

If you're having trouble of letting go of the planning, I'd maybe look at starting something new, e.g. taking up a new hobby, evening class etc. I think that sometimes, when you have spent a lot of your spare time working on a 'project' (of any kind, it doesn't have to be a wedding), it can be a bit weird when the project is over and you have to go back to normal life, so channelling that energy into a new project can be helpful.

Yes, we were late 30s and early 40s.

Thank you... I think it is a good idea. Even though it doesn't feel right where we are living, there are things that need to be done on the house in the meantime, but more importantly a new hobby or evening class might help me to meet new friends, which would be good... 🙏

Very grateful to hear your thoughts and experience!! 🙏

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Yes, I know you said you were feeling too exhausted and down to think of meeting new people, but an evening class or similar can be a way of meeting people but with no pressure - you're there to learn French/sewing/woodwork/whatever, not to build friendships, but if those friendships happen, that's a bonus.

I've been struggling with tiredness a lot recently and also feeling a bit down (I always struggle in October with the shorter days!) but I started a new language class three weeks ago, and even if I'm exhausted when I leave for it, I come back buzzing and full of energy. I think that learning something new and fun in a relaxed environment is giving me something to look forward to and helping my brain stay active with something that isn't work-related!

It sounds like you've been through a really difficult time. Post-wedding blues are real, and dealing with friendship issues on top of that would be really hard. A few thoughts:

Give yourself time and grace to heal. Big life transitions are emotionally taxing. Don't be too hard on yourself as you process.

Is there any chance of reconciliation with your friend? An honest talk could help, even if just to get closure. Otherwise, focusing on other supportive relationships may help.

A change of scenery could be really positive if you're both open to it. A fresh start might lift your mood. Just be sure to involve meaningful activities/people in your new location.

Seek extra support too - whether counseling, wellness activities, or local community groups. It helps to have an outlet beyond your partner.

Wishing you all the best moving forward. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this adjustment period. Small steps towards new emotional experiences may help over time. You've got this!

I realise it's some months since the original post and I've just read through the reply feed and agree with so much written here. Often,I don't think enough importance is given to the significance of friendships and friendship breakups. Similarly, I have gone through a friendship breakup more meaningful to me than several romantic relationship breakups I had before I met my husband. I've had a rough time coming to terms with the fact that this former friend won't be at my hen party nor at my wedding; she was a central part of my life for 20 years. I won't go in to exact circumstances, I just want to empathise and let you know you're not alone, you just have to grieve and process the loss; sharpened all the more by the timing of your wedding. Make time to focus on having a full and fulfilling life, making friends needs to be a lifelong endeavour, be open and be out in the world. I say this with kindness and compassion, knowing it's easier said than done, but acknowledge that hurt and use it, when you're ready, as fuel and motivation to move on. Sending you love ❤️