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Beginner August 2023 West Yorkshire

Friendships post wedding

Sarah, 11 of October of 2023 at 20:30 Posted on Just Married 2 11

Hello,


I am hoping you can kindly share some advice, as I am struggling post wedding.


Our wedding went very well, for which we are very grateful.


However, I was meant to have 4 bridesmaids and ended up with 2 due to pregnancies amongst my friends. I hoped they would still come, but of course understood if they couldn't. However, some time before our wedding one misunderstood me and became incredibly angry and stopped talking to me. The morning of our wedding was not as you see in photos, bridesmaids all around. It was quiet, though I was grateful for those there for me and us.


After the angry incident I thought about it everyday, most of the time and felt awful. This person misunderstood me and then stopped talking to me after 25 years of friendship, right before our wedding. Since returning home from honeymoon I do not feel happy where we live and feel lonely with the huge change to our friendship group. I feel I would like to leave where we live and start again. I am trying to think of new work I could do and where we could go to live that would be a place we could build the community that would be good for us both. My partner is open to moving, though we bought a house last year, he would be open to renting it.


I would be extremely grateful if anyone could share any thoughts or advice. I am struggling to think through this and it is greatly effecting my work (I work remotely, alone, which doesn't help at all.) I am so exhausted and down at the end of the day, that I cannot think of meeting anyone new.


I would really appreciate words/ advice from anyone.


Thank you so much.


11 replies

Latest activity by David, 4 of December of 2023 at 08:17
  • S
    Beginner August 2023 West Yorkshire
    Sarah ·
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    Thank you so much.

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are going through a really tough time.

    It sounds as if you are not happy with your job, your friendship group or the area in which you live right now. I think it might help if you work out which one of these things is bugging you the most.

    If it's your location then the only thing you can really do is to move - but it might be worth exploring first why you suddenly no longer want to live there, when presumably you were happy pre-wedding.

    If it is your job, are you realistically more likely to be able to get a different job you would enjoy more if you relocated? Or could you try looking for a new job where you are right now?

    If it is the friendship group - friendships change over time, and this is likely to be true wherever you live. There is no reason why you can't make some good new friends in your current area as well as if you relocated.

    I wonder if perhaps you are just grieving the end of a long-term friendship and also perhaps struggling to adjust to your friendship group moving into a new season? You refer to a 'friendship group', but the truth is that I found as I grew older, even if I stayed friends with the same people, we ended up meeting less as a 'group' and more as individuals. Once people start settling down and especially starting a family, the big group outings just don't happen much any more - or if they do, it tends to be based around a special event (usually one of the kid's birthdays!!!) It can be hard to adjust to a different way of doing friendships - I think moving into any new season can be tough, as there is always a sense of loss for the good things of the old season, even if you are able to feel excitement about the new season you are starting.

    I also think this time of year is not helpful - longer nights and greyer days can easily bring our mood down. Try getting as much natural daylight as possible - go out for a brisk walk each day, even if it's only for a few minutes at lunchtime. It's amazing how much better I feel when I make myself do this!

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  • S
    Beginner August 2023 West Yorkshire
    Sarah ·
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    Thank you so much RomanticGreenStationery27135 for your really kind reply.

    You are right, I am not happy with my friendship group, job and area I live now. The friendships changed post wedding (as we did meet up as group often for so many years.) The biggest issue seems mostly due to this incident, where one friend became so angry and now the whole group is effected.

    My job is extremely challenging socially, due to working alone. I think planning our wedding and being in touch with vendors and many other people, makes it even more of a contrast to go back to emailing alone mostly for 8 hours a day. I think the area we live had already started to feel wrong before we married, but we didn't know where else to move to at that time. I also loved being in the countryside getting married and we live in a town.

    I might be able to cope with two of these issues, but all three is too much. Your suggestion to work out which is the biggest problem is really helpful. Getting sociable work might have the fastest positive impact to help it all.

    And I think you are right about friendships moving into a new season. We were not really a 'group' but I think with the invention of WhatsApp (strange as it sounds) we became more of a group and now it has all fallen away (with the angry incident) and also with the birth of children. I think I will need to make some big changes to find the work, place and friends I now need.

    I do believe getting married is a great opportunity to bring everyone together and sometimes renew friendships, but also painfully sometimes show some are not present anymore. It would be great to hear of anyone else going through this transition. Perhaps we could be of support to each other. Thanks so much.

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Losing friends is so hard.

    I lost a friend of more than 35 years shortly before I got married - if you'd asked me at any time in the past who I would have with me to get ready on my wedding day, I would have said her, no question. Yet she ended up not even being invited to my wedding. She ended up coming out with so many irrational accusations that I was worried about how she might act during the ceremony if she were invited! Sadly, I can't see this friendship ever being rebuilt as she continues to act very strangely to this day.

    I had another friend who became very distant toward me in the leadup to the wedding. In this case, she was resentful of the fact that I was getting married when she wasn't. We've now been married just over three years, and she is starting to thaw, so I am hoping that in time, we can rebuild this friendship.

    It's really hard, especially if you are the kind of person who is loyal to your friends and sticks to them for years. But it helps to accept that you are only responsible for your own actions, not those of others. You may find that in time, you are able to rebuild your friendship, although it will end up looking different to the way it did before. You may find that it is never restored. Either way, it is normal and healthy to grieve for what has been lost. Meanwhile, focus on the friendships you still have and look for ways to make new ones.

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  • S
    Beginner August 2023 West Yorkshire
    Sarah ·
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    Thank you for sharing RomanticGreenStationery27135 it's really helpful to hear as I don't know anyone personally who lost a friend in a situation like this before our wedding, or had a quieter than hoped wedding morning.

    I am the kind of person who is loyal to friends over years. I think the hardest for me, was we were there for each other for 25 years and then a few weeks before our wedding she got angry and stopped talking to me and made me feel like a monster. Even her partner stopped talking to my husband... it is one of the cruellest things I could imagine doing to a friend, just before their wedding. I found it exceptionally hard to be portrayed like that, as I would never want to harm anyone.

    It is true we are only responsible for our actions. Thank you for mentioning grieving and also focusing on friendships I still have and looking for ways to make new ones. I really appreciate it, I've found it so hard to think through this, with everything having changed...

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Well our wedding was certainly much quieter than we planned - We got married in July 2020, so no reception allowed, no one allowed to get ready with me and everyone had to leave immediately after the ceremony! And while I was sad about the people who weren't able to make it and that I didn't get to get ready with my best friends, it really doesn't matter at all now we are three years on. We remember the good things about it and the things we missed out on don't really bother us. While you're planning the wedding, it can be all-consuming, but the reality is that it is the start of your married life, and a few years down the line you will have made so many other happy memories that the bits of your wedding that didn't turn out as planned won't bug you any more!

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  • S
    Beginner August 2023 West Yorkshire
    Sarah ·
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    Ahhhh, I'm very sorry to hear that!!

    The things we would change were that many friends and family we hoped were not there and that there was a severe weather warning Smiley laugh but.... I do agree it is the start of married life and so many other happy memories to come, and I imagine / hope as time goes on they will bother us less.

    We got married a bit older than most (having met later) and I really am so glad we have. It was a beautiful process (apart from the friend issue) and it feels like a real shift as a couple and individually. I have to stop looking at our wedding photographer, stylist, florist, makeup artists Instagram pages as I want to keep being a part of it, hahaha!

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Mid 40s and early 50s when we got married (first time for both of us) so I hear what you say about the shift! It does take a while to adjust, but it's worth it.

    If you're having trouble of letting go of the planning, I'd maybe look at starting something new, e.g. taking up a new hobby, evening class etc. I think that sometimes, when you have spent a lot of your spare time working on a 'project' (of any kind, it doesn't have to be a wedding), it can be a bit weird when the project is over and you have to go back to normal life, so channelling that energy into a new project can be helpful.

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  • S
    Beginner August 2023 West Yorkshire
    Sarah ·
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    Yes, we were late 30s and early 40s.

    Thank you... I think it is a good idea. Even though it doesn't feel right where we are living, there are things that need to be done on the house in the meantime, but more importantly a new hobby or evening class might help me to meet new friends, which would be good... 🙏

    Very grateful to hear your thoughts and experience!! 🙏

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Yes, I know you said you were feeling too exhausted and down to think of meeting new people, but an evening class or similar can be a way of meeting people but with no pressure - you're there to learn French/sewing/woodwork/whatever, not to build friendships, but if those friendships happen, that's a bonus.

    I've been struggling with tiredness a lot recently and also feeling a bit down (I always struggle in October with the shorter days!) but I started a new language class three weeks ago, and even if I'm exhausted when I leave for it, I come back buzzing and full of energy. I think that learning something new and fun in a relaxed environment is giving me something to look forward to and helping my brain stay active with something that isn't work-related!

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  • David
    Beginner January 2024 Lancashire
    David ·
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    It sounds like you've been through a really difficult time. Post-wedding blues are real, and dealing with friendship issues on top of that would be really hard. A few thoughts:

    Give yourself time and grace to heal. Big life transitions are emotionally taxing. Don't be too hard on yourself as you process.

    Is there any chance of reconciliation with your friend? An honest talk could help, even if just to get closure. Otherwise, focusing on other supportive relationships may help.

    A change of scenery could be really positive if you're both open to it. A fresh start might lift your mood. Just be sure to involve meaningful activities/people in your new location.

    Seek extra support too - whether counseling, wellness activities, or local community groups. It helps to have an outlet beyond your partner.

    Wishing you all the best moving forward. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this adjustment period. Small steps towards new emotional experiences may help over time. You've got this!

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