MIL issues

Does your oh see how she is with you and how it makes you feel. Would he have a quiet word. Invite her round only when you're doing nothing more than making a cuppa? I think if she made a comment about me having a glass of wine I would prob smile sweetly and say well I'm glad my behaviour doesn't disappoint your biggoted opinions of me. I think you've done well. I would have told her straight by now. I'm sure it's not you it's the fact that you're not the ex who maybe bowed to her way of doing things etc.

Oh what an awful situation to be in! It's seems like MIL can't accept your HB is an adult capable of making his own decisions.

I think you have to bide your time and play the long term game with your MIL. A bit of stakeholder management might be required. You don't mention your FIL or any of your HB siblings. Will they be there and do you get on well with them? It would be good to have allies so a) you can speak to somebody else apart from your MIL and b) your MIL can see you are having happy harmonious relationships with family members and over time realise her behaviour is petty and she has to move on from the ex-g.

I overheard a French guy talking (in English) on a bus about his interactions with a nasty colleague and apparently there's a French phrase which translates to "Don't put any change into the machine", so he tries to shut the conversation down quickly. If the conversation moves onto shaky ground, you can try changing the topic or if necessary remove yourself from the room by having a coughing fit, hiccups or a desperate need for the loo.

Your HB definitely needs to talk to his mum about the casual racism. She might think it's just a joke or banter, but she needs to be told that you are uncomfortable with it and that she needs to tone it down in your presence. Who knows, by sticking up for you, your MIL might start to see your HB as more of an adult and start to respect his decisions.

Married: 26/08/14 Las Vegas

Honeymoon: Vegas*LA*San Fransico*Hawaii*Dallas*Memphis*Miami*Orlando*

Chicago*DC*Philadelphia*Niagara*Boston*Salem*New York*

No idea how that footer appeared ? I didn't get married in Las Vegas and sadly didn't go to all those lovely places on honeymoon!

Ah, mother in laws...

I moved from London to Perth, Australia to be with my husband. One of the selling points of moving was that he seemed to be part of a normal, lovely family who lived close by. However, his mom would make off-comments every so often, and we'd put it down to menopause.

However, as time went on, I (and my husband) realised that she is just a ***.

I talked it through with my husband. We talk about it and we agree on what we are going to do to handle it. This is important because she's still his mother, but he is just as hurt by how she carries on towards me. He loves me and doesn't understand what her problem is.

It is my husband's responsibility to deal with his mother (and my responsibility to deal with mine, but my family views my husband as part of our family). It's my responsibility to be civil towards her, but I do not have to bite my tongue. He has explained to her that her comments/actions are not acceptable, and warns her the potential consequences if she does not change. She is quick to apologize, but the change is only ever temporary. Sometimes you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. The important thing is never to get down to her level and to work this through with your husband.

The end result is that we are not spending Christmas with his family. This is not to punish her but to not punish ourselves. It's not worth the stress and anxiety. We'll start our own family traditions.

Also, if I can share a MIL story - my MIL told me after we got engaged that she was never doing another bridal or bridesmaid dress again. She had done her other son's wedding and her daughter's wedding, and that was enough. Fair enough. Fast forward 18 months later (and 6 months after our wedding), my FIL was over our house and mentioned if we went over their house, they have their daughter's friend's bridal gown and bridesmaids dresses that my MIL made. My husband spoke with his mom who went ballistic at FIL for "not being able to keep a secret", and she said she wanted to help as the girl was foreign and didn't have any family in Perth. My husband pointed out that I was also foreign and didn't have any family in Perth. ?

Thanks to everyone for their responses – that’s been really helpful. Someone asked about the father in law, and while he’s less overtly rude, I don’t have a great relationship with him either. Having thought about this, I think the main problem is that I’m just not the kind of daughter-in-law they wanted. I work in advertising, and although I actually earn more than my husband, they’re always quite denigrating about my choice of work. The fact I have to spend a lot of time in London, meeting clients, means I need to dress reasonably smartly. I get the impression they think I’m full of myself, trying to be glamorous or something. When I circulated our wedding list, they had asked if we really needed items like cheese knives and champagne glasses. I answered that we like drinking prosecco and eating cheese, so yes.

Also, I feel like I can’t do anything without them thinking I have a selfish motive. For example, my husband was telling them about a volunteering placement I did when I was 30 – it meant spending a month in an orphanage in India, cleaning and looking after the kids. The MIL asked if I did this because I was having an ‘early mid-life crisis’. This is something I genuinely did to help people – it’s not on my CV and I don’t try to get any professional mileage out of it. She obv thinks I won’t do anything without a selfish motive.

During the summer, the MIL was saying it’s a shame that I’m ‘only 5”5’ because, according to her, “the mother’s height determines the height of the children”. They routinely refer to anyone under my height as ‘midgets’.

Last Christmas, the MIL talked at great lengths about the huge effort she usually made for Christmas dinner (for her own parents). They were too ill to come, so it was just me invited. She’d got a load of frozen veg in from Iceland, which was OK, but I couldn’t help feeling she was trying to make a point – like I wasn’t worth the bother of a homemade meal like she usually makes.

On the plus side – I do get on well with my husband’s sister, grandparents, and his aunt and uncle. I do think it’s their problem.

That's really sad! People are different. As long as they are nice, decent people, there should be a way of getting along and being able to spend a few hours in each other's company and for it to be a pleasant experience.

I think it says more about his parents than it does about you. Try not to rise to it.

Have a great Christmas and all the best for 2016!

Thanks, and same to you! I'm trying to be pragmatic here - it's only for a couple of days. And I'll get to see my own family soon too, which will be great.

I feel your pain my MIL is a real..... well think you can imagine! Even at our wedding she was claiming to be our wedding planner she decorated 20 jars that was it!

Don't worry your not alone, it took me ages to speak to my husband (this was before the wedding) about his mother and I was so surprised at the response of "yep I can't stand her either that's why we all ignore her comments etc and don't get pulled into it!"

It was a great relief that a: I wasn't imagining her snide comments and b: he had grown up with her so knew the best way to cope with the situation!

Like you I also get the drinking enough are we?! Even though my husband and FIL can be sat there 4 pints down as I'm on my second G&T.

My tip would be smile politely, don't rise to it and any comments which really bug you respond with sarcasm but with a dead pan face followed by doesn't everybody?! This usually stumps my MIL and she usually sulks off as she has no comeback to me agreeing with her......

I feel horrible for you - my MIL is lovely and actually could not stand my partner's ex wife. Apparently the night before his wedding she and the best man tried to talk him out of it (have told her if she pulls a stunt like that with me I am after her - we get married 5 weeks tomorrow). This might seem a tad manipulative but reading what you say she sounds to feel massively threatened and inferior to you so comes out fighting. Maybe she feels you would look down on her for not working or having a career (yours is certainly nothing to be ashamed of - sounds amazing!) How about with comments like the orphanage "Well it's like you isn't it - you raised a son and did an amazing job - I wanted to look after children and I can see how hard it is be it here or in India..." You get the gist - a bit of false praise and flattery. I also agree that you need to be as one with your husband on this. When my mum first met my chap she was lovely but her husband who I have always had a slightly tense relationship with was monstrous. Really took against him such that at the end of the weekend I ended up in a massive screaming row with him about how he spoke to him (trust me it was awful). Same deal - he felt that because my partner is, bluntly, better and more successful than him he had to get into a p***ing contest. OH handled it brilliantly! Flattered the hell out of him! Either way I hated the idea of anyone in my family making him uncomfortable and def saw it as my responsibility to sort it out. Good luck! Xxx