The no gift bridesmaid

I don't think I can give any advise other than let it go as the only person you are hurting is you.

Congratulations by the way ?

I thing it's disgusting personally that she didn't even send a card. Regardless of people's financial status surely you write a card! I also thing it's pretty disgusting that they drank cocktails paid for by someone else.

The reason I say let it go is that it's too late. You could say something and she buys you a gift and you won't want it nor will it make you feel better. Yes you could have a blazing row and never speak again. Yes you could comain about her to friends who may take sides or feel uncomfortable etc.

For me I think I would feel this person isn't a friend and quietly drop her!

Or if you really want to bring it up and don't care where it goes you could start with you've been looking at your cards and hers isn't there. Or even your dad got the bar bill and you can't believe the cheek that someone drank c many cocktails at made up price. See where it leads you.

Thank you for reply. I know I need to let it go but it's so hard at the minute. I just feel like i put so much effort into making sure everyone had a great time, including making sure my bridesmaids didn't have to pay for anything (I didn't think it was fair to make them pay for dresses they may nit wear again etc).

it feels like I really valued our friendship, which is why I asked you to be a bridesmaid, bit I wasn't worth the effort it takes to write a card. my wedding box has an empty hole, I just wanted a nice heart felt message really.

I think it's understandable you're hurt and angry.

Give yourself time to decide how to deal with her from here.

I'm afraid I'd be a bit naughty.... I'd phone her or see her, tell her you have a confession to make, get upset and then tell her just how mortified you are that you appear to have lost her card as you can't find it anywhere..... she will undoubtedly comfort you and say not to worry about it, then I'd lay it on thick about how sad I am that I don't have her card to keep and how you didn't even get to open it before it went missing, how you don't even remember seeing it if you're honest etc etc.... it won't get you anywhere but it will make it clear to her how much a card WOULD have meant and maybe she'll think twice about hurting someone else in the same way in future.

I don't understand why people don't get a card for the bride and groom?! When one of my best friends got married another gave her an I o u which I thought was beyond rude! In all honesty I would probably be gutted if I didn't get a card and not be fussed about the present like you as I have a book I have put our rsvps in and intend to stick any cards we recieve in there. There isn't a lot you can do about it in all honesty unless you tell her the truth but that's a very awkward conversation to have! You could say your keeping your cards and would she be willing to write you a message to out in the box to keep?

Oh 2bMrsC that is really naughty, and really good.

Lapland - that is really rude and IOU, not being funny but Asda knock out cards for 25p.

In regards to the OP, I am really sorry and especially drinking cocktails because they weren't paying. I do think you should do what Jayne says and see if she did forget, and if not, do you really want someone like that in your life going forward? It's not a nice thought to think about, but, losing who you thought was a good friend will hurt for a short time, but it's got to be better than constantly disappoint from a lack of effort for the next 10 years.

Thank you everyone. I think an IOU would really send me over the edge, that's dreadful! Better to just not give anything I think!

as you say a card costs pennies, but if really do feel it's the thought that counts. Such a small token and acknowledgement of a special day. It really does feel like my friendship wasn't even worth that!

I had read all other forums and accepted that not everyone brings a gift, it's is after all a gift and everyone has different financial circumstances etc. But I don't feel a card from a bridesmaid, or her guest, was too much to ask. Especially given they didn't have to pay for anything else!

Glad to hear it's not just me that's finds it a bit off!

Yep I was mortified when I found out! The girl who gave it got married recently and the bride she did it too still gave her a card and gift I woul have sent the I o u back! I guess some people just have no manners

I am under the impression that guests can give cards and gifts up to a year after the wedding.

That being said, I was somewhat irritated when my brother and his partner didn't give us a card on the day. My wedding was paid for by us (from international flights to alcohol, etc.), and I went to read the cards and nothing from them. Fast-forward several months later when I was at home for their wedding, and the day before, they gave me a framed picture of us that my brother's partner took and a card. It was lovely and obviously something they couldn't give us on the day. I was pretty cross at myself for being so irritated earlier.

I can sympathise a bit at how frustrating it is... I fully expect the same from my SIL who is a bridesmaid for me. She got married in April, I put lots of time into a thoughtful gift (a big frame with a print of their first dance lyrics in a heart shape and their names/date below), put a survival kit together in a personalised bag (not cheap!) and gave them cash too. We have not even had a thank you card...

I will be very shocked if either my SIL or BIL get us a proper gift. It's not that I want gifts, but it's the thought that counts.

Not sure there is really anything you can do unless you want to end up having a big argument with her. x

I'm really sorry you feel this way

I am, however, going to play devil's advocate...

Does she do cards for other events? My best friend (and also one of my BMs) never does cards for anything. I got a Christmas Card from her this year for the first time in the 5 years I have known her! Her family just don't put a great emphasis on cards (or wrapping presents!)

She felt awful when she found out that our other friend had sent us an Engagement Card - she didn't even know that it was the 'done thing' so I don't really expect anything from her for the Wedding!

However, if your BM is usually good at cards then I would just casually drop it into conversation. Like - "I was sorting the card box out and I can't seem to find your card - did you definitely put it in? I really want to make sure it is included in our keepsake box"

I'll prob get slated for this but I am not going to lie, I plead guilty to being bad card person. As suggested above, maybe consider if she normally does cards. I grew up lots of siblings, divorced parents and very little in terms of money presents etc and so it is kind of built in me that we don't make a fuss of cards and gifts. This has stayed with me and I am absolutely hopeless, especially with cards. I do think however that my main stumbling block is the process of getting the address (I am disorganised and don't have them all written in one place!) and finding a stamp (a rarity in my house), and posting it, all in good time.

BUT with a wedding I think that I would be different in that I am attending an event, the same way as if I was attending a birthday celebration. I personally don't expect cards from everyone at my wedding but a bridesmaid.....yes. I think that you should play the sneaky game and drop it into conversation how devastated you are that you lost it. See what her reaction is. If she admits to not doing one, try and be the bigger person and request that she writes something for you to keep in your wedding keepsake box? Then try and move on.

Thank you for your opinions everyone. I agree some people just don't do cards and that's ok, but surely for a wedding it can't be too much trouble to buy a cheap one.

anyway, husband could see how upset I was getting over it so I casually called and asked said bridesmaid that I was doing a keepsake box and was really upset because I couldn't find her card and worried I now had nothing from her to put in it. her reply was 'oh yeah, I don't do cards'. and that was it, no further explanation or discussion. I was too shocked to say anything more as she rambled on about something unrelated.

we tried our hardest to put on a great day for our guests, as we wanted them to have a great time at our party. I even feel likeyou bridesmaids were lavished and had it pretty easy (I speak from experience of having to pay to have my own hair and makeup done and pay for a dress i am unlikely to wear again having been bridesmaids for others). I think that to be a bridesmaid and not even bring a card is really lousy.

husband thinks rather bluntly that perhaps the friendship meant more to me than her.

I am letting it go. But I won't be making such an effort with this friend in the future!

Glad you got it off your chest just a little with her. Even people I know who don't do cards would dream of turning up at a wedding empty handed and would bring a bottle, small gift etc. And even if you don't do cards and can't afford a gift then as you say a cheap card with a message in is lovely for you and costs her nothing.

I agree with hubby. Have you never had birthday or Christmas cards off her? Maybe you should stop doing cards for her also. She obviously has no appreciation for any you would send her. She can't have it all ways that she loves yours but doesn't 'do' cards herself.

Hopefully she will get married and you can do the same lol.

Hi, i had a similar experience recently.

I am getting married soon and was wanting to buy bridesmaid dresses and organise my henny ideas. My bridesmaids (best friends of 10 years) kept holding up the dress order with excuses like we need to check sizes etc...all ok I understood at the time. Now with the wedding coming up I had to push my bridesmaids to pick their dresses and order them - my mum was paying for everything. They also were in charge of planning my henny and arranging my make up and hair. It had been a while into planning the henny and things started to get heated between them and my mum, they were wanting me to go abroad but my mum knew I wanted something here in the UK. Arguments insued which led to them bullying my mum. I then got a message from one bridesmaid in a group chat we made, she messaged me stating she felt I was selfish, rude and disappointing for how the planning was going for my wedding. She personally attacked me totally out of the blue! I had recently got a new job, moved into my first house with my fiancé and she stated planning my henny was too stressful and she wors two jobs and has a life of her own. Now im not a person to rub anything in anyones face and she knew I respected and loved her. I messaged saying I didn't want my two best friends to be my bridesmaids cus it was hurting me so much that they couldn't do something for me to make me happy. They messaged me back saying they were saying to eachother that they would have dropped out any ways!!! we don't talk anymore.. What do you think?

My other bridesmaid is trying to contact me saying she's a friend and she's there for me but a friend wouldn't treat a friend like that!! Especially on the biggest happiest day of my life!

I'm so confused right now, not talking to either and unsure of what to do in the future. Some advice would be great thanks.

The no gift bit I get but the card?! It’s just a bit of paper! I never keep any kind of card I’m given and they usually end up getting used to take phone message on or in the recycle bin. I personally think cards are a total waste of money and think its more important that someone is there for you.

Exactly thats what i thought

Oh no !!

awful

Perhaps this is not entirely relevant advice! But still people need to be forgiven, especially relatives and friends. Probably they just relaxed and forgot that you need to please you on your day with something special. I am sure you are already doing well?