We’re both brides so doing mixed genders. For my fiancée, it was easy - she asked her 2 brothers and 2 close female friends. Done. 4 is the perfect number - not too big.
Here’s my issue:
I have 5 siblings:
- 3 half siblings (1 on my mum’s side and 2 on my dad’s, am close to all 3 to this day) I have already asked all 3 in the excitement of telling them my news, and they were all happy to accept. They all live in the country where I grew up, and where the wedding will be.
- 1 step-sister (grew up with her, we were so close that everyone called us The Twins) but my dad hasn’t been with her mum since we were around 14 (we’re both 29 now) and since then we have been terrible at keeping in touch. I’ve always regretted this but we were so used to being automatically in eachother’s company that we never got round to a habit of texting, etc. Now it’s been so long that I found out about her pregnancy and birth of her son on social media. We will still congratulate eachother etc., but other than that no real contact. Christmas gift fizzled out on both sides over the years and my list is so big and overwhelming that I never really fought that. But for 10+ years we shared holidays, Christmasses, weekends, secrets, usually shared a bunk and sat up all night chatting. She lives in the wedding country as above, but in a village a good drive away. IMPORTANT: she shares the 2 half siblings with my (her mum is their mum).
- 1 step-brother - he has always lived in a different country so it was hard to keep in touch but we were real siblings on holidays, etc. together when our parents could. We met up at a funeral for the first time in ages recently and talked about the regret that I hadn’t been to see that side of the family in ages (my relationship with my mum is incredibly strained and she doesn’t approve of my gay relationship so I haven’t been invited to any of their trips to go visir my step-dad’s family) so my step-brother etc. thought that I just hadn’t wanted to see them. And tbf it’s not like I made an effort to go see them without my mum so I take responsibility there too. It’s hard. He lives in a different country again - neither the one I live in now, nor the one where the wedding will take place. IMPORTANT: He shares one half-sibling with me (his dad is their dad).
- 2 close friends: we’ve worked together for years, are extremely close. Both have been super supportive of my relationship and are good friends with my fiancée. I’ve been to a festival with one, I’ve been one of the only non-family incited to the other’s home when she was mere days post partum to get the full birth debrief and meet her baby (her baby will be flower girl, already confirmed). Love them both so much. Want them there because they live in the same country as me, are both excited and would be such special emotional support on the day. IMPORTANT: one is queer, one is kind of undefined queer but definitely a big ally.
OK NOW THE BIG PROBLEM:
- I feel like a cold horrible person if I only have my biological siblings in my party and not my steps. I’m always talking about how I have 5 siblings, grew up with them all - how blood isn’t what makes a family.
BUT:
- In reality I am so distant from my steps now, being that my step-sister no longer comes to any meet-ups with my dad’s family (something I think we all regret in terms of distance, she did recently ask my dad if he wanted to be in her son’s life). My step-brother lives in a different country again so I never see him, we don’t text.
BUT
- I treasure the memories of growing up together, and I’ve always wanted to have all 5 of my siblings together in one place (given the fractured nature of my family, it’s never happened and some have never met before).
BUT
- I really want my friends there, who are both geographically and emotionally close and I would feel so happy to have them by my side. Friend who is mum of the flowergirl per above has been so supportive and excited about the wedding that she even offered to just help without being officially a bridesmaid. That conversation made me realise how much I want her by my side.
BUT
- I don’t want to hurt my step- siblings’ feelings by essentially substituting them out for the two friends.
TLDR
O TO SUMMARISE THE DILEMMA:- I have already asked my 3 bio siblings to be bridesmaids/men.
- If I include all siblings (3 half and 2 step) and I have a bridal party of 5, it’s roughly balanced with my FW’s side and manageable. Nobody gets offended, I get to have my ideal dream of all 5 of my siblings- linked only by me and otherwise some completely unknown to eachother - BUT I miss out on that support from my closest friends (IMPORTANT: friends are very safe to be queer around or queer themselves, I do not know steps’ up-to-date views on gay marriage etc. step-sister has congratulated me on my engagement. Step-brother was nice at the recent funeral where we saw eachother for first time in hears despite a lot of weird questions from everyone else assuming I was miserable in my gay relationship - the well had been poisoned by my mum) .
- If I include my friends, I feel instant relief at the idea of them being there to support me amidst my big crazy family, especially given they are a big part of my day to day life in the country I live in now. BUT I feel like a fraud saying I have 5 siblings, and like a horrible cold person that it just so happens the 2 not close to/in my bridal party are my steps.
-Obviously I could have 7 bridespeople but that just seems absolutely ridiculous and extortionate.
Do I:
- Stick to just the 3 siblings I’ve asked so far?
- Do 3 siblings plus 1 friend to match my partner in end size?
- Do 3 siblings plus 2 friends?
- Do all 5 siblings?
This has genuinely been keeping me up at night - it’s the only thing I’m seriously stressed about re. the wedding (and my own mum may not make an appearance lol but that’s her business/loss). I need to decide so it’s done and out my mind.
The following idea has been on my mind, would this be an acceptable solution, or does it still feel like a “demotion” for the steps? BELOW:
- 3 half siblings + 1 or 2 friend(s) as bridal party- Friend’s daughter as flower girl- Step-brother as usher (my only male party member who would know that side of my family so useful to show to seats)-Ask step-sister if she would like to bring her son as the page boy? He’ll be a toddler so she’d naturally be walking down the aisle with him - maybe just wearing her own dress. She’s have a role by proxy.
I’m not a billionaire so I definitely can’t kit out that many people but I want to have the closest people round me and make sure my siblings know I still love them and all our memories together.
SORRY this is so long-winded but it’s just such a unique and complex family dynamic that I really needed to post a big thread for advice. Thank you so much if you read this far!
