AIBU ? Christmas and Inlaws related.

Not unreasonable at all, but I think you might have made a rod for your own back by having her every year for the past few years. Your BIL is being a nob, obviously. Can you have it out with him and his wife and explain the situation?

I totally agree that I have made a rod for my own back. I am well aware of this but when BIL isn't interested most of the time what are you supposed to do? B and SIL don't like me, we can't have a civil conversation because they hurl insults at me etc....its a very strained relationship. I have asked H to talk to him but no amount of telling him will make them change their minds I don't think.

How do we tell MIL that we want to be alone this year. I hate my In Laws they create nothing but problems for me.

Not unreasonable!

I will not go into some IL issues that I have at the mo for christmas, but it is a similar thing where they expect us to always see them on christmas day.

I would suggest having it out with BIL and wife aswell, and coming to some arrangement. That is not fair on your relationship to do this to you. Could you go away somewhere? As cruel as that is would it force them to spend the festive season with her?

Hugs for you sounds like you need it! x

Whilst I don't think it's fair I couldn't see someone alone on Christmas day. I think it's something you just have to suck up if your in-laws aren't playing fair. You can recreate Christmas day another day for you and your H, no? Doesn't have to all be about that particular day.

Playing devils advocate here (so don't flame me) but putting it from your MILs position, how do you think she will feel knowing that neither of her sons want to spend christmas day with her?

I'm not saying this is your fault and I know you've mentioned that she's suicidal but christmas is a time for family. However, I also understand and see why you would want christmas alone.

Just to add also, your BIL sounds like a right knob for speaking about his mother like that.

Hmm, I've got to do something similar shortly. Firstly, I'd make sure it's your H that tells her, so you don't become the evil DIL. But be really upbeat and tell her what a lovely Boxing Day/New Year's Day you can all have together, and how you're all looking forward to it.

If she really is so bad where you think she might really try and hurt herself, the path of least resistance might be to have her for Christmas lunch, and then pack her off home, or pick her up late on so she can come over late on Christmas Day, giving you the morning and lunch together (we did this last year).

Crap situation though - Christmas becomes a royal PITA when it's like this. x x

Just to add, my friend pointed out that MILs are more bearable when diluted, so i try and make sure SIL comes too - it sounds like more work on the face of it, but it works quite well. If you invited BIL and his family, it'd dilute the situation, give you the moral highground and make totally sure that it's defo their turn next year.

Oooh thats a tough one PE. I have been the evil DIL for the past 2 out of 4 Christmases as MIL literally had a hissy fit about not seeing Mr K so we spent the day apart (I wasn't invited). However when we moved into our current house we announced to both sets of parents that we would spend our first Christmas alone and visit one set of parents on Boxing Day and the other at New Year (then setting up an alternating pattern).

If MIL really is going to hurt herself, maybe have her over later in the day? Its quite sad to think of her on her own and it would be even worse if she actually did something.

Could you set yourselves up a nice intimate Boxing Day and then announce that next year you will be going away for Christmas so they have a whole year to make other arrangements?

I think it's very unfair and I can totally see where you are coming from.

My Mom is hard work and we have had her for the last 3 years. This year we wanted to have time alone, like you it's been a tough year and we need a few days of relaxing. I have lied and told my Mom we are going to H's Mom's. She hit the roof, said she was going to be alone and she'd buy a turkey and eat it at home on her own. I have 4 brothers and not one of them has offered to have her, it really annoys me, at the very least we should take turns.

What happens about seeing your family? If you have your MIL every Christmas day do you not get to spend it with your own family?

I really think you need to speak to your BIL or you need to peak to your MIL and try and explain (or lie in my case). It's horrid that in order to get a day alone you have to go to these lengths.

We have a similar situation where MIL expects to come to us every year and all I get is 'but shes on her own' etc etc. She isn't on her own at all, she has 4 sisters and two brothers who always invite her and her own Mum who always invites her, if anyone is on her own its my Mum. This year we are having building work so we can't have either of them so we've organised a meal out on boxing day, my Mum is fine with this but H has yet to tell his Mum which is winding me up, I feel like we spend our whole life pussing footing round her and she ruined xmas day last year which is another reason I'm so desparate to have the majority of xmas day to ourselves.

To be honest I don't know what you can do, I personally wouldn't want to see anyone on their own at xmas but it sounds like BIL is using this knowing you have no choice. Personally I think your H and BIL should come to some arrangement where you take it in turns, don't know how successful that would be though??

No, you're not being unreasonable - though I feel your BIL is and has dumped you in it.

Sounds to me like your BIL paniced when your H had a word with him about you wanting to spend Christmas alone. He (your BIL) seems to have thought "uh-oh - if I don't sort something out I'm going to have to entertain Mum" and booked things up with his wife so he doesn't end up with her. Least, that's how I'd read the above.

I know the one year (out of about 30) that my gran didn't spend with my parents she went out for lunch with some friends at a local hotel and had a whale of a time. Would that be an option if you paid for her and a friend or two to go for lunch then maybe meet up on Boxing Day / later that night?

Pooch, you are in extreme circumstances with your mum, I think. Your brothers need to step up.

As for the op - we have MIL over every year. She has family in Windsor, and an open invitation to go there, but she doesn't want to. Thus, she comes to us. There is no way I could leave her on her own. Usually we have one or other set of my parents over too. MIL doesn't stay the night though, she lives quite close and I take her home.

I consider a Christmas with just MIL to be virtually a day to ourselves and far prefer it to going anywhere else for Christmas.

L
xx

I know how hard it is. The first year H and I were together we shipped MIL to her cousins for Christmas because we wanted to be on our own (she'd been living with us for 6 months by this point) and it feels awful to do but thankfully she was happy about spending time with her cousin. Could your H speak to the cousins in Ireland and see if that is an option? If she thinks the invitation has come from them rather than that both her sons would rather not have her at Christmas it might feel a bit softer. If not then I think you'll have to have her over. I know it's only a day and all but the thought of people being on their own on Christmas day makes me want to weep.

Whilst you might not be strictly speaking unreasonable, thenunless I'm reading this wrong I think you're being massively selfish. You'd honestly see this woman- who has tried to commit suicide on various occasions- alone on Christmas day, knowing that neither one of her sons wanted to be with her? What on earth is christmas day all about if not to do unto your neighbour as you've have done unto you. I'm sorry if that sounds preachy, but I think this stinks. Just because the BIL is being selfish doesn't mean that it's perfectly ok for you to be too.

I do think youre being both unreasonable and selfish. its a day. one day. there s no reason why you cant do something special together on any day, any weekend, at any time. for many elderly people christmas day is a huge deal, particularly if they live on their own. for one day i think you need to grow up and deal with it, no matter what anyone else in the family says. you can do things together on any other day of the year for goodness sake.

TBH, I'd be the gracious DIL and have MIL for the day if your BIL is being such a selfish arse. It's just one day like others say, and TBH if your relationship has been a bit strained lately, that one day is not going to fix it. Can you guys set aside some time to have a holiday together, to get away from it all and relax? Imagine if you have your day together on your own, and you spend the whole day in a stink with each other... Will make things worse, not better. I'm sorry you're having a crap time, I hope it gets better soon lovely xxx

Whilst I don't think you are being unreasonable as such, and that your BIL should step up to the mark, I don't think I could enjoy my Christmas knowing that a family member was on there own.

As others have said, it's one day. Surely you can have time on your own on boxing day etc?

For me, personally, I never really understand the 'we want to spend Christmas on our own' thing. To me Christmas is all about family and spending time together. I adore my H and love having 'us' time but at Christmas I love being surrounded by all my family. That is obviously just my personal opinion!

Of course you dont want to spend christmas with someone you dont like - but i think if it was me i would just suck it up really

apart from any other considerations of whether it is reasonable or selfish to leave someone out at christmas i think it is almost always a Bad Thing to force people to choose between people they care about - even if you get your own way it will leave a bad taste and could be a cause for future recriminations

i would also be very, very wary of building up this special alone time on christmas day - in my own experience overly high expectations and pressure to perform emotionally are the shortest route to a horrible fight and a miserable time for everyone

While I agree with this, I think it has to be with like minded people who enjoy the same as you. My family for instance enjoy nothing more than a good drink, some great food, lots of laughter and a nice afternoon snooze!

Having spent alot of other christmasses where people have sat there moaning, ordering you around and generally being miserable I can see the joys of christmas alone ?.

I think it's very difficult and I also think that some people can be very manipulative and controlling (like my own mother). I know that it's only one day and I am also upset to see people alone but often you have to make a stand if you are always the person who has to live to someone else's demands. Take my Mom, she has offers coming out of her ears, trips to France, dinner with friends, my Aunt invited her to Scotland, she'd rather turn those down and spend the day alone so she can tell everyone what a horrible Christmas she's had at the hands of her cruel daughter.

It's horrible being the only person that ever takes responsibility and it's horrible being guilt tripped.

I think that's quite different though pooch- your mother has genuine options and chooses instead to cut off her nose to spite her face. ?

I should have added that I am v lucky to have a family that I get on with and enjoy spending time with. If I didnt then maybe I'd feel differently but I still dont think I could let someone be on their own.

Firstly apologies for the late response to this, I am at work and this is the first chance I have had to check.

I would like to also point out that no matter what I actually think or want for that matter I wouldn't see her alone at christmas nor anyone, obvioulsy I haven't been clear in my post. My main point was that my BIL thought I was being unreasonable for wanting a Christmas alone. H and I as a couple have never spent a christmas with my Parents either but that is deemed as ok by my BIL because they don't like me or care and SIL gets to do that every year. I don't see how that is far, every year its the same with them, all full of promises about letting her stay and in the end its left to me and H to pick up the pieces.

What about me for a change ? Yes that does sound selfish but all I have ever done is accomodate them and do the right thing for her and just once it would be nice to be alone. No matter how many times you say it to BIL he won't change his mind. Now tell me how do you tell someone with a Mental Illness like myself that one of her sons doesn't give a toss ? I am quite sad that he thinks so little of his mum actually. I don't have a great relationship with my Mum but I would never see her alone at christmas.

Every time there has been a problem from her divorce to the numerous suicide attepmts H and I have been there because I have wanted to help and be there for her because I am her DIL.

Re Ireland, as much as it would probably be wonderful for her, she or H and I are unable to afford to send her there.

Maybe the day will be crap on our own but it couldn't get any worse as it is. It would be nice just to try.

Why don't you invite your parents to join you too on Christmas day? Surely cooking for 5 is no harder than cooking for 3? That way, everyone's happy...?!

You say you and your H have never spend christmas with your parents... is there any way you can ask your parents over to? That way your MIL will ahve someone of a similar age to talk to, it will give you a bit of a break and be less intense and hopefully ease the situation.

I would also state clearly to MIL that you will be away next year therefore she will have a nice change of spending time with him. Then tell BIL that it's his turn.

We are spending christmas day with my sister and dad, and the ILs all at my sisters and much as I would like to be with just H we have family, therefore will be with them. We were having boxing day to ourselves until H announced he was going to the game :-( but we will ahve christmas evening to ourselves.

I think you're stuck with her, whether you want to be or not. You can't force BIL to do his turn, and although that's unfair - it's the way it is. Personally, I think you need to move into just making the best of it. Which means looking at picking another day to be just the two of you. If your relationship has been strained of late, you may even find that having MIL there 'forces' you into making sure the day feels like Xmas day - whereas if it's just the two of you, you may end up feeling like it was just a day off work with a large roast dinner?

Unfortunately the In Laws have been a massive part of our relationship difficulties and my parents won't come to ours for christmas if MIL is there, Its very complicated between them. My Mum thinks that MIL uses me and takes advantage of me but thats a whole other story ?

We have this too. My brother and his wife have never had my parents to stay for Christmas, so they're either "alone" or with us.

FIL is on his own and comes to us every year too, SIL and BIL either come to us or go to his parents (alternate years)... But we always have everyone, and it's a minimum 4 day thing too as everyone lives miles apart.

We've had one Christmas for just us in 8 years.

That said, if you're a decent person you don't have a choice.

So, no NU to think it's BIL's turn, but if he's too selfish to take turns then you're stuck and might as well make the best of it.

I'm sorry but I think your parents are being v unsupportive of you if this is the case.

I was thinking similar to Sophie. Sometimes life sucks, sometimes it's unfair and sometimes you have to suck it up and do things you don't want to for the sake of the people around you. I really don't relish the prospect of driving down the Old Kent Road and back every Christmas day to spend time with family I never see other than that. To eat food that isn't as enjoyable as the food I'd eat at home. To not have a drink. To not sit in front of the tv and slob out. To have to kiss women with moustaches. To stop people attempting to feed my dog human food which makes him ill particularly after a long drive. I'd upset people I care about if I made a fuss though so I get on with it (apart from this year when I'm leeeavvvving on a jet plane).

hhhhmmm i don't know if i agree totally. why should PE's parents have to spend xmas with someone they don't like, just because her daughter happens to have married that person's son?

Which is the blissful thing! Really, Xmas is a fab invention, to let you get all the relative socialising out of the way in one pop - fantastic idea! Imagine having to see them all the time *shudders*