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Beginner September 2024 Greater Manchester

aita moh edition

Ellie, 3 May, 2023 at 00:12 Posted on Off Topic Posts 0 6

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Hi all I’m in need of some advice here,

I’m getting married next year and we have just starting planning. My best friend, who I have known for 16 years, is meant to be my MOH.
Recently MOH met her current boyfriend, they’ve been together 3 months and I’ve met him once as we were invited to the same wedding.
Me and my partner both want an intimate ceremony of around 30 people, we are already at 33 and finished happily there.
Yesterday whilst in conversation with my friend I mentioned that her bf is invited to the reception, she said something like that’ll be nice then we carried on with our chat.
Today I woke up to a message saying she’s not going to be my MOH or bridesmaid or even come to my ceremony because he’s not invited because by the time of the wedding if they’re still together they’ll have been together for just over a year.
I was absolutely furious and so, so upset. I explained to her that I was heartbroken she wouldn’t be a part of my wedding just because her bf isn’t invited to the ceremony, I explained again how were keeping it small, some family members aren’t even coming. Even if I got to know her bf better over the next year, he wouldn’t “make the cut” so to speak over people I have known much longer.
Her entire family is invited so it’s not as if she doesn’t know anyone else there.
I told her how disgusted by her actions I am and I can’t believe she would let something like an invitation and her not seeing her boyfriend for a couple of hours stop her from being my MOH. I also told her I don’t see a way back from this for us.
I really can’t see this from any other perspective but the more I stew on it the more I think I should have just added him on? But I felt as if I was being held to ransom, invite him or else.
Any advice for me? AITA?

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Latest activity by Steve, 5 May, 2023 at 19:56

Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
Hayley · 3 May, 2023 at 08:30
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Hypothetically, what if she broke up with this boyfriend but got another in a few months, would he be invited? What if they broke up but she got another boyfriend 2 months before your wedding, would he be invited? My point is, you have to draw the line somewhere.

Your wedding guestlist should be people who love you as a couple and want to celebrate with you, not a stranger who doesn't want to be away from his girlfriend for a few hours. The only exemption would be a guest who knows no one else then it's nice to give them a plus one, but you say that doesn't apply in this situation.
Your MOH will be busy supporting you around the ceremony so she wouldn't be able to see him much anyway.
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VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
RomanticGreenStationery27135 · 3 May, 2023 at 10:23
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It sounds as if this relationship has gone past the point of no return, so I guess any reflection on what either of you 'should' have done is academic.
It's frankly bizarre for your MOH to produce such a total about-turn in less than 24 hours. It was fine for you to stand your ground and refuse to add the boyfriend on to the ceremony invite list. It was also ok to express your disappointment in her behaviour, although personally, I would have avoided labelling her behaviour 'disgusting' or telling her that there was no way back from this. While you may feel right now that you never want to see her again, you may find you feel differently in a few months time, so I'd always avoid saying anything friendship-ending unless I was 100% sure that I was prepared for that.
Having said this, I'm quite concerned by your MOHs dramatic shift from being happy with the situation to boycotting the wedding the next day - such an extreme change makes me wonder if the new boyfriend is behind it. I may be wrong, but it sets alarm bells ringing regarding possible abuse/manipulation.
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Beginner July 2024 Bristol
Annabel · 3 May, 2023 at 14:03
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Eeeek!
Wow, that’s not really the response you wanted or needed. Try and forget your anger and forgive her for her decision. What will be will be and if she chooses not to support you then that is a reflection on her personality not you. It’s YOUR day and you invite who you want and not anyone other.
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Rockstar April 2023 West London
Sarah · 3 May, 2023 at 19:49
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Personally I’d have given a more measured, but equally firm response: “It’s a shame you’ve chosen your new relationship over our friendship when really a choice didn’t need to be made. I accept your decision and will still be here as your friend if you would like to save the friendship, but understand that being part of the bridal party is not an option for you now.”
At this point, to work out next steps, you need to really reflect on what outcome you ultimately want from this. Do you:
- want to feel validated in your response?-want to save the friendship?-want to let the friendship go?-want to save the friendship but keep her away from the bridal party?-want to save the friendship but keep her away from the wedding?Once you know what outcome you want, you can work out how to get it.
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Curious August 2023 Buckinghamshire
Weddingjuly2023 · 5 May, 2023 at 11:54
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I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, I would be so upset and disappointed. Anyone who has been married understands that numbers are tight and weddings are more expensive then ever.

I think you were completely right to react how you did, weddings are stressful enough and he's still invited to the reception! You could have mentioned that if someone dropped out then you could have invited him but you shouldn't be held ransom. If she can't be your MOH because of you not inviting her boyfriend then I think you are better off without her. Your wedding day is about you and not her.
She will be busy helping you during the day and probably won't have time to spend with him. I have friends who have been with their other halves for years, who I've only met once, so we haven't invited them to the day but they know other people at the wedding so they don't mind and totally understand.
It's your day, so you should have who you want their. I'm sorry this has happened, people can get funny during weddings and forget that the day is about you. Don't let it ruin the process in the run up to the wedding, I think you're better off without her being your MOH because you're hurt and angry, you probably don't want to be around her in the morning of your wedding day, because she forced you to do something you didn't want to.
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Beginner July 2025 Kent
Steve · 5 May, 2023 at 19:56
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Her loss she clearly was MOH material
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