am I making a huge mistake?

Eunie, I'm so sorry so much time elapsed since your message with no response, It is late for most hitchers but I have just got in from work and read your thread and felt the need to respond immediately before I go to bed.

Honestly I believe just by reading the message you wrote aloud you must see how wrong getting married is for you right now. I see your words almost as a confession to us hitchers, maybe something you don't feel strong enough to admit to close friends or family but seek solace from anonymous, honest hitchers who will give you their advice without judgement or persuasion.

What is keeping you with a man that makes you so unhappy? Why sacrifice your freedom and future happiness by solidifying this painful relationship by marriage?

Your talk of abuse worries me - obviously it is easy to misconstrue things that can only be read but if this is your cry or help I believe you 've come to a great place to find strength.

I feel a real inability to say the right thing and I'm afraid it is nothing I can relate to but I know others will be on here soon to give you the support you truly need to leave this unworthy man.

I look forward to seeing the hitchers help and hope this gives you the opportunity to make a life changing decision for the better

Somewhere out there is someone who will treat you like a princess and love and adore you which is all any girl really wants. Don't settle for less xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable.

It's a very hard one for me to give advice for because I've never been in this situation. All I can say though is that I don't believe getting married will change someone. If you're unhappy with the way he is now, then I think it will be exactly the same after you marry him. I'm not saying don't get married, but maybe you could sit down and have a serious talk with him. Try and sort it out now, before you vow to love him and be with him forever.

I believe we're only in this life once - you need to make it a happy one

In the end only you can make the decision. I don't think it will be an easy one but I hope that whatever you decide, you will be able to look back at that choice and know you made the right one.

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. How long until your wedding?

I can't relate to everything you've said but I can relate to being in an unhappy relationship. I didn't leave when I should have and regret not doing that sooner. I was scared of what ppl would say more than ending it with him which now seems soooo silly but at the time was really worrying for me! However, it made me the person I am today if you see what I mean. We weren't married though.

Please don't stay with someone just because you think you can't get out if it, you always can. I too was worried about your reference to abuse, there's lots of agencies and ppl who can help if you need it or want to talk to someone. If that was a sort of metaphor then I'd probably recommend talking to him before you make any big decisions. What do your friends and family honestly think of your fiancé?

Sorry I can't be of more help x

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low.

I'm going to keep this short....

You only get one life, you deserve to be happy in it.

It seriously worries me that you've mentioned abuse. Whether physical or mental this just is not right, no one should abuse you or make u feel like that let alone your partner. I don't want to put a more negative spin on it but when you're married chances are either nothing will change or it'll get worse (I can say that from experience having known a family member and a friend suffer in this way).

Either way, good on u for expressing how you feel as I imagine it was tough.

Remember, whatever you choose to do, we r here for you.

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this.

In short I think you have answered your own question - a relationship should be two sided and be filled with love, trust and respect he isn't giving you any of that and it seems he is making you miserable far more often than he is making you happy. You should get out on the abuse alone. Call tel:**** the national domestic violence helpine for advice on how to get out safely and for support and advice.

When you have a loving caring man in future (and you will) you'll be so glad you did this, so get out now and don't waste any more time on this man, life's too short.

Other posters have already given good advice and i dont have any more advicd but just wanted to say how sorry i am to hear youre feeling like this. Do you have a friend or relative you can trust that you can talk this through with? Xx

From what you have written it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship, it is important to understand that mental abuse is no less damaging than physical abuse even if it maybe perceived so to people who do not have experience of the situation. It sounds like you know this is a situation you don't want to be getting into so my advice would be don't. It doesn't matter how late in the day you feel it is it is better to stop now before you go any further. As the other ladies have said you only get the one life you deserve to enjoy it and there will be someone else out there who will love you the way you want however unlikely this feels now. Given what you are saying about the state of your relationship and the affect this can have on self esteem and the way emotionally and mentally abusive partners can be very manipulative I would suggest you talk the situation through with someone before confronting your partner. This way you can ensure you are certain about the situation and how you wish to proceed and that any decision is yours. If there is no-one in your family or friends you feel you can tell all this too (and the fact you are confessing all on here suggests there's not) I would suggest contacting your local domestic violence group (despite the name they will deal with mental abuse all the time) who should be more than happy to talk to you and help you decide if this relationship is healthy or not and how to proceed.

Good luck and remember you deserve to be happy

xxx

Hey, I mean this in the nicest possible way and I hope you don't take offence but I would like to advise the OP not to confront him if possible, abusive people do all sorts to make sure their partner/victim doesn't leave. I would advise (this is what most domestic violence charities/companies say) to get some of your important bits; bank cards, driving licence, passport and any other important info, grab a few other necessities inc some clothes if poss, make sure you do this while he is not there, most often refuge will book a taxi to pick you up and take you somewhere safe. This applies no matter what type of abuse.

Thanks everyone.

I have been with him 8 years - getting married jyst after our 9 yr anniversary.

I feel broken and gutted. It stems from wantung to have kids and havibg to address how unhapoy I am as I refuse to have kids until its right - I gad a terrible childhood so despite what ill put up with, id never do that to children.

he has been abusive. Verbally mentally and physically. He has never hit me but has pushed, shoved and intimated me. He has a frightening temper that he hides well.

he is very popular and is the most considerate warm and carung person towards everyone else. Noone would believe me if I told them.

we split for a while and I confided in a relative. They hate him now and dont approce of tge relationship vor marriage.

I have no friends as I get close, cobfide and then I worry they will say something. I am very distrustful of people - have always been but when I let my guard down I get badly burnt.

I used to be so much more open to peopke. I am a lovibg warm and romantic person but as far as this relationship goes, ive lost all faith. Nithibg I do will ever be acceptable or goid enough.

I realise this is nit about me really and im fed up of fightibg for us just to be treated like ***. Its like my eyes are open to the fact that I am constantly set up to fail.

Eunie you sound so dejected :-(

I think by writing this post you know you would be making a mistake in spending the rest of your life with this man.

As hard as it is I think sarahmarie's advice is best, take your important things and go to your relative that you have confided in. Dealing with him and everything else can wait, you neef to just make the move and sosooner rather than later.

Please keep talking to people on here if you need too.

I hope you'll be ok x

I am totally incapable of giving such perfectly worded answers that everyone else that has responded seems to have managed.

But I will say this, money is nothing, if you have any doubts at all, don't go ahead with it, in fact i wouldn't even suggest just not marrying him. You should be seriously thinking about leaving him for good, a clean break without contact. You don't even have to explain your decision to him, he doesn't sound like he deserves one.

I spent 8 years in a bad, unhealthy relationship. I made changes and am now the happiest person alive. You can do this. You can make the change. You deserve to be happy.

My advice is exactly as everyone else has said, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you.

I hope you get out this while you can, you'll find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated. When you fine him, you'll have no doubts about marriage.

Be strong x

If you are not happy please don't get married ☹️ Talk it through with you OH an see where you's both stand

I can't really add anything or say anything better than what has already been said. If you read a post like your's what would you suggest the poster did? There has been some really good advice here and I just want to voice my support for you. Please look after yourself and I would strongly suggest you seek the advice from one of the professional support groups suggested above.

It sounds like you know it's not right but are afraid to leave, which is understandable as you've been together a long time. I would approach the family members that disapprove and seek their help in helping you get out. Also I would call the counselling helpline that someone else posted, they will give you great advice on the next steps.

Sorry I wasn't very clear in what I said, other posters had suggested the OP sit down and talk about the situation with him I meant that she should speak to someone else such as a domestic violence group before even considering doing this not that she should confront him. In fact given the OPs further post I would suggest she contacts such a group and gets out as soon as possible. No offence taken just didn't want to sound like I was suggesting she should confront him when what I intended to do was suggest a course of action which would ultimately prevent this

Hi Angie,

Personal experience means I can relate to what you are going through, unfortunately I married a man like you describe (my first husband) and marriage only made is manipulative, possessive and controlling behaviour increase. So please find the strength to get out now. At the moment you may feel you no longer have the strength and fight left in you to get out but it is still there he has only suppressed it. Just believe in yourself IT IS STILL THERE !

If he hasn't already done so, He will use their hatred of him to pull you way from these relatives. Falsely claiming that it is your own fault because you confided in them in the first place so this is why they see him as they do. He relies on outsiders seeing him as a kind and caring partner and not the controlling abusive man that he is and your silence only allows him to continue to manipulated the situation.

In part ( if not wholly ) it is his behaviour that makes you feel unable to trust people, after all he is the person you let you guard down to in the first place, only for it to be used against you.

If you feel unable to talk to any relatives/friends about what is happening to you as they are too close to you, then feel free to PM me or any other hitcher I'm sure they will be more than willing to listen to you or contact a support helpline (womensaid.org.uk. www.womensaid.org.uk. , refuge.org.uk ) they will help you work out the best way for you to get out of this mess ( there is no right or wrong way as long as you get out)

You will find happiness after this man, the end of this relationship will be his lose not yours.

L x

Thank you everyone.

He has tried to distance me from those that disapprove and diskije him and he has blamed me fir their hatred sayibg I should not have saud anything.

You are right, I let my guard down to him, I thought he was ghe man of my dreams, but that was short lived. He turns the charm on occasioally and I see yhe person I fell for and I stay out of hope. I realise that over the years tgat I've been brought down so much that im desperate for his approval, which ill never have - that's the point though isnt it, I can never be good enough and the goalposts will be shifted everytime I try.

he is rude to me in front of his best friend (who is similar to him) and his family. His mom has never liked me because im seen as the obd who took away her boy. She is so controllibg. and ill never get any support from them - they kniw everything but wobt accept he has a problem.

I guess its been consistent throughout. I have known nothing else for so lobg now. Im getting older and probably have missed the chance to have kids.

I loved him so mych and for so long but I cant do it anymore. He will never see hus behaviour as wrong. He does not velueve ge is unreasonable or wrong at all. If I leave hus lufe will carry on and he'll meet someone else and make out I wad a terrible partner. All ice ever done is care but I need to care about me now.

it makes me si sad that he genuinely sees himself as fibe - reasobable and a great partner. I could say alot about events over the years but belueve me when I say ive been abused. Mainly mentally but ive been bruised and left frightened so many times.

despite this I love him but I no longer have the energy to fight or the will to keep trying to make it work. I feel lost and lonely. Ive tried to hide it but u cant anymore. The weddibg date gets closer and I see a miserable future. Everyone I talk to about getting married is stressed but in love and excited about tgeir day and the future. I am dreading it all. I try to ignore it and even get excited about if at times but strippibg it back, im miserable.

I hate him fir makibg me love him, takibg advanrage of me and pulling me apart ocer the years. I know I deserve better but I am a mess. I have grown exremely fat and its because I jyst dobt have any interest in anything - especially myself. Sonethibg else to use against me!

Thinking of you.

I think you know what to do.

Everyone deserves to be loved xx

Thinking of you.

I think you know what to do.

Everyone deserves to be loved xx

Theres been a lot of good advise on here left by he other hitchers. i STRONGLY suggested you bail on such a man. He sounds highly manipulative, please please please bear in mind that all these negative feeling you have about yourself and others who have tried to help have been put there by him to shackle you. shackles you keep you under his control.

it sounds as if your starting to mentally walk away from him, thats good! thats the first step to physically walking away. I wouldn't delay it more than necessary, get your important things in secret (purse, passport, phone) and stay at a relative and hold your ground. Everyone deserves to be happy, no-one should make you feel this powerless, they don't have the right.

Great advice hitchers. Angie it's so horrible to hear you so broken. You've made the first move in admitting it to yourself, then by seeking refuge on this website. The next step is the real world, the people who know you're better off without him. And I absolutely think professional help should be sought too, it sounds like you have done little to deserve what has happened to you and as you are probably too aware, things may well esculate if you try to leave him. I agree that running, without explanation and confrontation sounds the safest idea and if he moves on a settles down again i am sorry for the next woman too. but you need to leave and never look back. please keep us posted on here so we know of any developments. each time you need strength look at some of these womens words to help you. This forum is full of happy people in love, most of whom will have known unhappy relationships but have found that person that loves them wholeheartedly. please dont settle!! marriage and children would just lock you in further, go now while there is no-one to hurt but him. xxxxx

Please please do what you know you need to do - leave this man

Love is a two way thing, it feeds on being fed, and in a strong relationship both people love the other enough to strengthen and support them. (Am talking romantic/relationship love here)

I lived 7 married year (and more before) with a man who loved having the image of a wife and home, but didn't love me. It breaks you down every damned day.

you are a sensible woman, who cares about people, you must be you've denied yourself children to this point to keep them safe from a bully - now keep you safe, Walk away. Nothing you have (other than passport, bank a/c) is worth staying for - and even they don't matter you can get copies of anything and everything you need.

Sweety, being happy on your own is so so so much better than being unhappy with someone, and when you are happy, and ready, someone will come along who deserves you, and cherishes you.

All it takes to make the difference is the courage to walk out of the door when he isn't there - you can do that. You can get help to , from the agencies mentioned here, or you have family that love you, that's why the cant stand him, Let them help you.

I didn't want to read and run but have nothing else to add that hasn't been said already. If you are unhappy now then planning a 'forever after' future with this man is clearly a mistake. Take what you need and leave when he is absent, then all his lies, platitudes and negotiation will be too late. Don't go back to him. Ever. He won't change becasue he can't and he doesn't want to. The fact that his family and friends are aware of how he's treating you is proof enough.

Good luck with everything

I didn't want to read and run, you have had some really good advice from the others. It's not too late to turn your life around, get rid of this toxic man and be happy ?

I have been where you are, and worse. Life was hell for a long time and I lost all my skills and perception. I barely recognised myself. I had no social life and couldn't really turn to anyone because I was too proud, and I kept up the facade of 'everything is not that terrible'.

If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me. It's a lonely place, where you are, and you sometimes aren't even sure what's real, what's paranoia and what is coming from external input.

Take very good care of yourself. I pulled out of a house move and a wedding and then he stalked and hurt me, but still I was happier dealing with the fallout than putting more of myself in to something negative, difficult and going nowhere.

The best bit of this is...? Having had it tough you'll know how to enjoy real happiness when it comes knocking...

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the support.

its hsrd becsuse I barely recognise myself these days. I know I am strong because I have stuck up for myself and called him on his behaviour. - all to help him and ultimately help us.

everyone is right, he cant change and does not want to. If he saw anything he does as wrong then he certainly doesnt see it as wrong anymore. Things go up and down byt down for nearly all tge relationship.

We own a house which is in neg equity. I owe 10k on c/cards. It really is a huge mess.

I can stay at my siblings house but that means it really is over. 9 years of him being my only friend, everything, just gone. I feel heartbroken its come to this. I read the posts and I feel so sad as I cant believe im in thus situation. I left a partner who was kind and gentle (but whom I no longer was attracted to sadly) for this person vecause he sold me a dream. For a while I was the happiest ive been in my life. Everything was just ax id imagined it would be when I found mr right.

how foolish I have been!!!

Ive told him. He doesnt believe me as ive talked of leaving before. Niw I ned to fibd tge strength to walk away from my lufe. He really has been my lufe, for so long.

this is so incredibly hard.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the support.

its hsrd becsuse I barely recognise myself these days. I know I am strong because I have stuck up for myself and called him on his behaviour. - all to help him and ultimately help us.

everyone is right, he cant change and does not want to. If he saw anything he does as wrong then he certainly doesnt see it as wrong anymore. Things go up and down byt down for nearly all tge relationship.

We own a house which is in neg equity. I owe 10k on c/cards. It really is a huge mess.

I can stay at my siblings house but that means it really is over. 9 years of him being my only friend, everything, just gone. I feel heartbroken its come to this. I read the posts and I feel so sad as I cant believe im in thus situation. I left a partner who was kind and gentle (but whom I no longer was attracted to sadly) for this person vecause he sold me a dream. For a while I was the happiest ive been in my life. Everything was just ax id imagined it would be when I found mr right.

how foolish I have been!!!

Ive told him. He doesnt believe me as ive talked of leaving before. Niw I ned to fibd tge strength to walk away from my lufe. He really has been my lufe, for so long.

this is so incredibly hard.

See it as a fresh start. You have learnt during this time. We get 1 life. Don't waste anymore time with him.

I've been with my partner the same amount of time as you so can understand a little.

sending you huge hugs. Xx

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. I know it's hard to walk away even when you're so unhappy. I watched my mum stay in a bad relationship for years I guess because even though she was unhappy she was scared of what life would be like without him and how she would manage on her own. She had become so dependent on him because he had isolated her from other people. Luckily she did leave eventually and most of the people who had stayed away because of the OH rallied around her. She went to live with my gran for a while til she got back on her feet. The thing she didn't realise is people had stayed away because he would poison her against people who didn't approve of him and she didn't want to hear their disapproval so she would get upset with them then eventually she thought he was the only one who cared. The transformation in her once she left was astonishing, I'm sure in some ways she missed him for a while though she never said it, but she got her confidence back and is now my old mum again. I hope you can find the strength to do this too and look back and realise how much better off you are.

Hi, all the hitchers have already given fab advice so not much else to add,
Just please don't think you have to put up with this, theres so much better things out there..being single for a while and truly happy, with family & friends who love you for who you are.
And to some day find the man who you really deserve and will treat you right, please don't get married for the sake of it.
I know it's hard and you'll be feeling so lonely but make the change, you need & deserve better. Move in with your sister for a while, get your head sorted, sort whatever needs done..all the things like the house / credit cards etc won't matter when you are truly happy. Please come on and chat here whenever you want or need to & we're all here for you.
Just can't say it enough that you really should not marry this man no matter what, really hope you make the right decision for you..life will get so much better when you do honestly
Thinking of you xx