ANGRY ABOUT HEN NIGHT...................................and a general moan! RANT ALERT!

It is really annoying, but i think we all have to remember that our wedding isnt the most important thing in everyone else's life, even if it is ours! We invited 25 to our hen do and so far 11 are coming and even then i had to buy all their train tickets as they were dilly dallying and getting the money back is a right b*gger.

I think with regard to the BM's dresses i would just pick the colours yourself and then they cant argue about it.

Have you booked the Hen Do yet?

I decided to have my hen night in the city where I live as I feel like I'd be taking the wotsit expecting people to come away with me for a hen weekend.

Times are tough at the moment - maybe they can't afford to go?

Hi Natalie,

I can see why you might be upset and I might be if I were in your shoes.

BUT I have been invited to hen dos abroad and usually have had to turn them down as they are too expensive. I might say yes then change my mind closer to the time as I think I may have the money by then and then I later realise I don't. Or I may think I will have the money but don't as something else has come up. TBH I get really annoyed that people keep on having hen dos abroad and expect me to go. There is enough to pay for as a wedding guest (new outfit, present for the b and g, drinks at the wedding, taxis, accomodation usually as they are not normally near where I live) without having to fork out £400 for flights, accomodation, food, drinks and taxis on a hen do.

I am afraid that if you have a hen do abroad you should expect (and accept) that most people bar your very close friends will not want to go.

I turned down a hen do in Paris last year when I realised that it would cost £600 all in. I did go on holiday a couple of months later, but this was for a week for the same price! I don't think you should feel mad that a friend of yours would rather go on holiday than go to your hen do, it's up to her and her money. I would prioritise a holiday over an expensive hen do I am afraid. Luckily for me the hen totally understood as she knew it was a lot and that I am not loaded (I suppose I could have saved but I thought it was money better spent elsewhere!) and was very nice about it. She only had about 5 or 6 hens and she said to me that was what she expected.

Sorry if that is not what you want to hear but that is how I feel on hen dos abroad!

I don't want you to think I am having a go, I am not, honest!

I am being Bridesmaid to my wonderful friend who I adore but what with all the costs of going to the wedding and then my wedding and other things going on I am honestly struggling badly with the hen weekend ! But I will break my neck to try and be there and she knows that so if it can't be she will understand. If you BM goes away on holiday before the wedding I am sorry but that's her call I don't think you are being fair on that one at all. Weddings are an expensive deal for guests too maybe you could have one away and one locally just for one night that they could all go to ? Arguing over the colour of the dresses is selfish ! My mate bought me a gorgeous dress but if she had wanted me to wear a sack I would have grinned and beared it as I love her to bits ! She can make me look how she likes for all I care it is about what she wants on the day !

With a little over a week to go till my wedding I can safely say I have not asked either of my bridesmaids to do anything and so I wouldn't worry about one of yours going abroad 2 weeks before. OS long as you are organised you should be fine. And now you know it is goign to happen you can make sure you are prepared.

As for the hen night I made sure mine was based in England and easily assessable for everyone as money is tight for everyone and although my friends are obviously happy for me and want to be included in the festivities they do have their own lives and so may want to go away with their partner's/ families etc.

I'm personally not a fan of hen/stag weekenders and have always declined on principle. If I get the money or opportunity to have a weekend away, I'd much prefer to go with my husband and daughter. It's a big ask of friends to find a spare £200+ for a weekend away, even if they have tried to save for it. If invitees have a family of their own, it's often difficult to justify the time and expense. I was very aware of the cost when I planned my hen day and although it didn't cost much more than £60 (still felt embarassed about that!), we had a fantastic day (mini-bus up to London to see Priscilla, a meal out in a nice restaurant and then home again). Remember that weddings are quite expensive for guests ('but it's costing me thousands' I hear you cry!) what with new outfits, presents, travel and often accommodation.

Try not to be too upset or take it personally, just have a fabby weekend away with those who have accepted!

Erm.... yes!

I invited 22 girls on my hen weekend, but told them that they didn't have to do everything, they could dip in and out of what suited them. I now have 5 of us for the Friday night dinner and drinks and 13 for the Saturday night dinner and drinks (only 10 taking part in the Burlesque class).

I had two of my closest friends pull out and at first I was gutted, but then thought that having them there on my day was more important. Turns out they now can't come to the wedding either ... and their devastating reasons really put everything into perspective.

I am sure that if they could be there they would. Even if I had saved up to go away with you, circumstances are changing weekly at the moment and that £4 per week is now swallowed up by increases in fuel prices, food... doesn't make them any less your friends, they are just concerned about money, as are most of us!

As for the bridesmaids, they will be there to help you get ready on the day... I don't think it is fair to say they shouldn't go away 2 weeks before your wedding. You have 4 bridesmaids, 1 missing for a short while won't hurt.

And just tell them which colour they are wearing!

Yes I think you are being a little bit irrational, it's obviously not what you wanted but if they can't afford to come then you have to accept that. Saying they could put away £4 per week, maybe they have more important things to spend that money on? I think that for me there are lots of things that have a claim on the money I earn before I consider looking at a holiday, even if it is for a hen do.

Can you not have a second hen night so that those who can't come to Dublin have the chance to join in closer to home?

I invited 30 people and only 12 can make the whole thing (Im not sure what is happening but it starts at 10am on the saturday and includes a hotel in Birmingham) and 4 extra are coming for the meal in the evening. Those who can't attend are recently on maternity leave so was completely understandable, although people are saying the CBM has got a lot for the amount it is costing, £110 can seem a lot when you are on mat leave! So those who can't make it are doing a 'Yummy Mummy' hen do in my town. Will just be a meal and then a few drinks at a local bar, but I think it'll be just as much fun!

Why don't you see if those who cannot make it are able to do a few drinks instead? I have been to quite a few weekend long hen do's and find them quite pricey to be honest! Can understand you feel upset but see it from thier point of view too.

I'm also not a fan of hen nights because I don't drink at all, no hidden reasons - just can't stand the taste of alchohol now and to be honest, been there and done that donkey's years ago. I never can understand why people go abroad for hen nights either. A hen night used to be ONE night - I had mine in the local night club as everyone did then. Going abroad was unheard of 10 yrs ago apart from a honeymoon. I really don't know how people can afford to do it so close to their wedding so I can sympathise with guests being invited on hen do's abroad not really wanting to spend all that money. Regarding the dresses, if you bought them, then you should choose who wears what.

A little irrational, if I'm honest.

I'm having two hen do's for a similar reason. I am going to CenterParcs with 8 of my friends and family for a weekend but then having one night out for all my friends who couldn't afford or make the weekend, best of both worlds then ?

I would not go on a hen weekend to Dublin even if it was my own sister getting married! I could not justify £200 plus spending money. I think you're being a bit mean to your friends - not everyone can come up with that sort of cash, even with plenty of notice. It may be the biggest day of YOUR life but it's not to your guests and hens - you have to realise they might have different priorities. 5 people is good, I don't think I could find 5 people to go away with me for a weekend, but I could find 30 for a meal and drinkies.

If 2 colours of bridesmaids dresses is causing a problem why not just go back to 1? I asked my BMs to choose the colour of their outfits giving them 3 choices - so they decided for themselves instead of having my ideas foisted on them.

So yes, you're being a bit Bridezilla - take a breath and stand back, get some perspective.

Ok, I don't think you're being a little irrational, I think you are being hugely irrational! WE ARE IN A RECESSION! Most people are not flush with money right now. I personally hate hen dos that involve travelling and staying over night as they usually end up being very expensive. If they are all dropping out it's probably because it's too much money. I have declined invitations to expensive hen weekends before. I don't want to pay out for an expensive break if it means that I can't afford to go away in the summer with my OH for example.

Why shouldn't your bridesmaid go away before the wedding?! Life doesn't stop for everyone else just because you are getting married.

O U C H!!!

you lot are ruthlessly honest and thats the EXACT reason i come on here to put some perspective on it all

I'm over the Dublin thing, i'm going regardless to whether it's 3 or 33 of us AND am having one at home for those who dont/cant/wont come to Dublin.

I've also grown a back bone and told the bridesmaids they will have to go with the colours i choose and realise they are my friends so would NOT choose something unsuitable for them, thats just not me!

as for the BM going away, i realise i was being selfish for that.

All in all, if someone else had have written what my post said, i'd have thought "get over yourself" LOL! and I think sometimes when you go away and take the emotion out of the situation, you do see things more clearly, failing that, Hitchers are generally good to beat you with a stick when your being bridezilla, and omfort when you need it.......

aw you guys are great!

I asked for a decision about 8 months before the hen do as to whether people could come or not, and a 2 nighter with lots of activities not many could afford, so i had to make the decision about what was most important, what we were doing or who i was doing it with. so i decided to go for one night which was half the price, and everyone can come. we booked it, all putting deposits down 6 months before so everyone could pay in installments if they wanted. Although its your day, they still have to pay for the hen do so some compromise might be needed. The same with the dresses, they have to look how you want them to look, but similarly they need to be happy in the dress, dont they? I wouldnt want unhappy BMs.

To be honest Trickers, I have always been an advocate of "if you dont want an honest answer, don't ask the question"

it's good to hear the truth, i know my family wouldn't want to offend/unpset me but sometimes, you do need to be knocked of you perch, ruffle your feathers and get back on

Absolutely go with that Arnold2b.

I wouldn't want them to be unhappy and they just needed the reassurance that i wasnt going to stick them in rags!

It's so easy to get wrapped up in wedding and hen do planning - sometimes it does help to take a step back to see the bigger picture. I always like to see other hitchers opinions and then things are always put back into perspective! xx

I chose to have a small-ish hen do locally so more people can come (esp as having our wedding abroad). I still feel bad that they're paying £43.50 for a four course meal and 20's themed murder mystery night!

Why can't money grow on trees eh??? xx

Exactly what Tricks said!

Wrote a big long reply then effin thing crashed!

Anyway, main points were:

• Dublin is damn expensive, so a lot of people would struggle to afford that at the moment. I went a few years back and it was 8E per drink back then in some places in Temple Bar.
• I know it's horrible when you feel let down by your friends, but concentrate on the ones that CAN make it and what a great time you will have
• Understand that you mates that can't come are prob gutted they can't afford it and will feel like they are missing out

Goodness I wish my bridesmaids were like that! They are still working to try and get me to agree to a hen night abroad which I don't want!!

I think it depends on your friends and their circumstances though too. I am 23 and very few of my friends have serious relationships, or mortgages and kids and so we regularly meet for nights out in different cities so I don't see why my hen night should be any different. It's most certainly expected for me to go somewhere new - they don't want ANOTHER night out in the local town. And, no one has whinged about this yet..........

My bridesmaid is also going away for 2 weeks!!! 3 weeks before our wedding, and all I said was - "Your tan is gonna be awesome - very jealous" - Didn't even think of the implications for the wedding - so I personally wouldn't worry about that one.

Excellent response, Natalie. Welcome back from bridezilla land ?

Late response but just my experience:

In 2006 we were going to get married (long story but didn;t happen) but we were so close to our combined HAG do that we went ahead with it. There was 15 of us in a cottage in Gloustershire - very drunk but an amazing weekend. I am very glad we did it before any of the group settled down too much as I honestly don't think it could be repeated.

When we actually got married last year I didn't really want a hen do but was talked into it by friends who when it was organised (6 months in advance) all found themselves busy! I was a bit miffed but OH had a simialr problem so in the end we had a meal for thoes who could make it local to us and had a great night.

I've backed out of do's over the years for various reasons so I just tried to remember that!

I have felt like this before (maybe I'm one of the 'others' you're on about) but sometimes when you're feeling really sorry for yourself and you just want a bit of sympathy, it's hard to be told it like it is, but quite often you walk away thinking "hmmm, maybe they're right".

Sometimes not, but at least you get a different perspective on whatever your wedding issues are which is why I like coming on here.

LOL!

Thanks CB!

Don't let me go back there again please! never ever ever I no likey!!

He he!

I'm sure we'll all have our moments but this place is an excellent leveller. Good to have you back ?

WSS! I think you're being a bit bridezilla about everything if I'm being honest! Do you know how expensive Dublin is?!!! When my friends organised my hen I said I didn't want a weekender, and I didn't want it to be too expensive so that everyone I wanted to be there could afford to come, or arrange sitters for 1 night for their kids. The way it was planned also meant if people only wanted to come to one part of the hen, such as the meal, they could. Are people supposed to spend as much as they would on a family holiday just to come away with you for a weekend? People simply just DON'T put away £4 a week for things like you are suggesting - they have lives and other things come up ie. car repairs, bills etc that end up eating up that money!

With regards to your bridesmaid going on holiday, why shouldn't she? I didn't ask a single one of my bridesmaids for help, of course they offered but I didn't EXPECT it of them! Me and H did everything as we wanted the bridal party to simply enjoy it all - we saw it as a thank you for their continued support, friendship and loyalty over the years, not a job that means you can call all the shots just because you're the one in white!

Also changing your mind on colours after telling them they'd be wearing one colour, no wonder they all want to wear different? Are you paying for the dresses or are they out of curiosity?

Yes it's your wedding day but have some respect for others....not everyone has a couple of hundred pounds to go and p*** up the wall!

Steady on Mrs Coco LOL

if you read throught the thread i have seen the light as it is! but on another note, yes i am paying for the dress and accesories, and free bar all night for bridal party and hotel room for my maids, they mean the world to me and thats why i asked them. On the dress point it is MY DECISION what colur dresses so really dont agree with you on that point. as for the rest of it you will see my admittance to being dragged to the dark side of bridezillaville!

Well done Natalie, I read this post the other day and thought 'Ooh I wonder how she will take these replies' as I've seen people get upset by posts before - but you've just accepted them as others points of view which is really good.

It's a shame most cant/wont go to Dublin, all my friends would have been the same if I'd have done an 'abroad' hen do. I wanted to go away but I didnt bother going down that road as I knew it would be difficult for everyone with money, babysitters etc...Just dont take it as a critism to you, some people may have the money but just cant justify spending it on a weekend away.

Hope you have a great time whatever you end up doing!x

What a refreshing change! I am so glad that you were able to take the comments made as they were intended.

I am also in the "if you don't want an honest answer, don't ask me" camp!!!

Enjoy your hen, whatever you do! x

Hi im new on here and has to respond. I know how you feel!!! I have have five bridesmaids for next year (not that i wanted that many) I was due to pick my three very best friends and a fourth, but my sisters went to my mother and made her asked me to ask them so i did....which meant six! So i dealt with it and moved on! Now the fourth bridesmaid i have known her for a very long time we are or were best friends and went through everything together but she is unreliable.... So as the time came to get the dresses picked she couldn't make it - so i sat her down to ask if it was feasible for her to be a bridesmaid as she didn't have a job etc.... We talked and she decided after thinking about the costs involved in staying the night before and hair and make-up etc that it would be too much to commit too which i am totally fine with i want her to have fun not worry if her mortgage is being paid! However i was miffed as the month before she spent 500 to go on a hen weekend with girls she claims she doesn't like at all! Now we were all friends at one point and they are all nice girls just not my friends anymore abut all she does is complain about them when i see her so i assumed she disliked them yet she managed to spend 500 to go there then attend both weddings (200 each time) with gifts included....

Now like some of you I have decided to go abroad and am going to Portugal for three days in April and we got a deal at £350 including flights and hotels (5star spa) that doesn't need to be paid until February so when i told her she said politely she couldn't afford it and to be honest for the first time in years i was over the moon she thought about her bills for a change and i said no problem.... Tho me and my other best mate (her;s too) decided to pay it for her so she would have the chance to come at the same deal..... However the other day my fiance was talking about my birthday (30th) and had sent texts to see if eveyrone was free to have a meal/party, so he text her and she's like well i have another party that night so ill need to see then i see on FB a post that she was out partying all weekend........I really am stumped and don't know what to say i know life gets in the way of things but shes supposed to be a friend, im thinking of giving it too her and telling her straight (im known for) but im not sure what to do can you help?

As for the bridesmaids in the first post as someone later on said - just buy the dresses and tell them what 'you' want - its not about them its about you! Good luck x

My OH keeps telling me that I'm boring because I am thinking of having my hen do in Portsmouth where we live. Most of my chums are from Sussex, so it's bad enough trying to get them here for a birthday...

I know how frustrating my friends can be when it comes to getting them anywhere and there is always the grumbles about money, even if it is planned way in advance.