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This is black and white to me. the violence he shows towards you means he has no respect, and on that basis alone, for your future life, self esteem etc, you cant be with him. there are many men out there who would treat you respectfully, and would never even think of the idea of violence or abuse of any kind. you cannot be with someone like that, and tbh, i would be stunned if any other posters say differently.

Well, youj're right that this situation is not normal. Most relationships don't involve one partner being violent towards another - that's called abuse.

He might well need help to moderate his behaviour, but in the meantime the priority is your safety. If you don't feel as if you're safe at home, then maybe you might need to consider alternatives? ?

No, this situation is absolutely NOT normal. He has a problem. He needs to accept he has a problem, and get help. You probably need to make this happen. It doesn't matter how sorry he is, he WILL continue to do this unless he gets help (which of course you know, otherwise it wouldn't happen).

Seriously. if you loved someone, could you ever treat them like that?

Personally, I would advise you to get away, get some distance. This will give him the chance to get help with his problem, and get you out of danger.

L
xx

What would I do? I left the man that laid a hand on me, and I would leave my husband if he were ever to do it. Absolutely no question.

Sweetheart, he is abusing you physically and mentally. There is NO excuse for him putting his hands on you in anger. Ever. Beating someone is not a sign of love.

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It's so easy to stay in this sort of situation when it's all you know or you feel that you're in love. But don't stay, please leave as soon as possible. It's dangerous already and can escalate further so quickly. Leave now. I'm sorry I can't be more constructive, hopefully someone who knows about shelters or support like that can post and give you better advice.

There is nothing normal about your situation, I am afraid. He is violent towards you, you need to get out of that situation.

All too easy to say when I am not in your situation, but look after yourself, you are worth than being punched. ?

I can only second what NickJ has said. No it is not normal and the chances are it will get worse not better.

Aimee x

I think I can confidently state that this is absolutely not normal and agree completely with what Nick and PL said ?

WEES - you deserve better and he at best needs help.

WEES. Nobody, but nobody deserves to live in fear of violence or on the receiving end of violence. Ever. I had to leave someone who was violent and I'd do it again if I had to. Your personal safety, self-esteem, emotions etc. come first. If I were you, I'd leave. Now.

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It is NOT a normal situation. There is no excuse for his behaviour whatsoever. I think even if he stopped gambling he would find something else as an excuse. Your relationship isn't healthy, and I would be getting as far away from it as I could.

I hope it works out for you.

'Normal'? I think you know that this is FAR from normal, don't you?

Strangely I haven't talked about my ex for ages and I now find myself recalling him for the second time this morning on here. I lived with someone who had a terrible temper. At first he was just verbally nasty, then came the hitting things - fridge, doors, etc. Then it gradually started being directed at me - throwing a knife in to the sink that I was washing up at, so hard that it broke clean through the sink and landed point down in the cupboard underneath it.

Then lo and behold it graduated to physical violence - he strangled me and swung a chair into my legs, breaking my knee cap. I left after that, so he only did it once. But you know what? I lfet because. despite being sorry, I KNEW it would happen again, because it always does.

Left unchecked his temper and violence will only get worse, not better. The fact that he's behaving like this over a gambling problem only makes it worse.

You must leave him, whether you love him or not.

I have been in your situation and stayed for a number of reasons - but mainly because my self esteem was low and, on an occasion by occasion basis, I could always attrribute one element of his anger to myself (I shouldn't have wound him up / nagged / I am not attractive enough etc).

It took me a long time to leave, but when I did I started to realise all the little things he controlled - such as what I watched on the television.

Your relationship isn't normal and, to be frank, it's highly unlikely he'll change. Please read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood - it costs 1p from Amazon marketplace. It changed my life.

Don't feel bad, it happens to so many of us ? there is a future life for you.

At the risk of being melodramatic - he can't love you that much. Even if he thinks it isn't a problem, it should be enough that you do and you are scared.

You're happy more often than not. Until he kills or seriously injures you.

Lovely, are you happy when your lip is split? Or when your eye is blacked where he's punched you? Or when you're humiliated because he spat in your face? Of course not, and if your partner can't see that having done the above to you he doesn't have a big problem, then it doesn't bode well for you.

What would you say to someone who was telling you this was happening to them?

Contact www.refuge.org.uk and speak to someone, please.

What everyone else says. ? It certainly isn't normal.

You could call the 24 hour free Women's Aid helpline 0808 2000 247 if you feel up to it (you could call from a phone box if you need to but it will not show up on your phone bill) and I'm sure they could give you an awful lot of current advice. It's not to say Hitchers won't but they are the experts. A couple of Hitchers have used Women's Aid to help them out of relationships recently so they do help.

You can also look at their website, which is https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ and this page can help you remove traces to the site on your computer if you are worried https://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=00010001000800010001

If you don't want to call them today, put a note of the number somewhere safe and private so you can call any time you want/need to. ?

(ps, sorry if this is bold, I can't switch it off!)

I have talked to him about anger management but he does not think he has a bog enough problem to attend.

says it all. spitting in your face? no, not acceptable on any level, any time.

will remove that if you wish

He doesn't think he has a big enough problem? That just about says it all. This person does not love you. Judge by actions, because words are easy, but really? Come on. He hurts you, time and again and doesn't think he has a problem. All the time you are with him, he will think this because if he had a problem, surely you would have left?

His actions make me feel sick, honestly and I'll bet I am not the only person who wants to scoop you up and kick the living crap out of him. He is not a man, he is a coward.

L
xx

What everyone else said - please make contact with the organisations given, they really can help you. There are also people who can help your husband, if he wanted to change his behaviour - but that is not your responsibility, I hasten to add.

Its not acceptable and you are worth more than that.

He has damaged himself and, more to the point, he has hurt and humiliated you in anger. Not a big enough problem? How big a problem does it need to be before he faces up to it? Because it is a problem.

I'm sorry, but people who do this don't just stop, however sorry they are after an incident, however many flowers they buy you or things they promise. The next time they get angry, it'll happen again, and the violence tends to escalate rather than staying the same or getting less severe/frequent. If he won't access help, you probably need to leave in the long term. I'm sorry to say that, but I think it's true. Even if he will get help, he has a lot of ground to make up and I wouldn't take the risk of staying in the same house with him.

I'm going to copy this onto here in case you are too scared to click on the link. I will remove if you ask me too. 🤗

What is domestic violence?

In Women's Aid's view domestic violence may include physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called 'honour crimes'. Domestic violence may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently 'violent'. More

My boyfriend has hit me a couple of times recently. What can I do?

There are a number of things you can do. Firstly, you may want to contact the domestic violence unit of your local police force to report the assault. You may be able to file a report of what has happened with them without them actually taking any action against your boyfriend at this stage. This could then be used as evidence in the future if necessary.

If you have any injuries it would be a good idea to see your GP and tell them about what has happened. This will be treated confidentially. Your GP can make a note of what happened on your medical records, which could be called upon if you require evidence of what has happened in the future, if you decide, for example, you need a non-molestation injunction for protection, or if criminal proceedings are ever brought against him.

You can find your local domestic violence organisation to speak to somebody for support and a listening ear, or if you feel you need to get away from home for a while. You could also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline*.

My partner says that the abuse is my fault. Is this true?

It’s extremely common for an abusive person to say this. It’s just another form of abuse, and because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions. Domestic abuse is never the fault or responsibility of anyone except the abuser. Your partner is an adult and makes a choice about the actions he takes. He could choose to walk away from the situation but instead he chooses to be abusive. Whether it’s physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse or emotional abuse, it’s completely unacceptable.

Will my partner change?

It’s possible for abusive people to change their behaviour. However, it’s very difficult to change and so isn’t very common. If your partner has promised to change before and then has resumed his abusive behaviour it’s likely that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour then he’ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.

It’s also important to remember that changing this type of behaviour will take time and effort. If he attends a few sessions and then announces that he’s ‘cured’, this is unlikely to really be the case. The best perpetrator programmes provide support for the partners and ex-partners of perpetrators, and they’ll be able to give you further information and support.

You might want to take a break from the relationship while he seeks help. During the time that he’s dealing with the reasons why he’s abusive, many issues will be brought to the surface. This could increase the intensity of the abuse for a period of time. For this reason, you may want to consider how to ensure your own safety, and that of any children you may have, during this period.

If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it’s clear that he hasn’t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he’s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change.

How can I help my partner to stop hurting me?

Your partner is the only person who is responsible for the abuse. Consequently he’s the only person who can change what’s happening. It’s only natural to want to help someone that you are in an intimate relationship with and it can be difficult to realise that this isn’t really possible. If in some way, he blames the abuse on your actions then this shows that he’s not accepting responsibility for his behaviour. It’s likely that if you change aspects about yourself or your behaviour in order to appease him, he will eventually find some other ‘reason’ to be abusive towards you.

If your partner wants to change his behaviour, then he’ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.

You can take positive action yourself – for example, by removing yourself from the situation, reporting his abuse to the police so that he’s held accountable, or using legal means to prevent him from being able to hurt or harass you.

It doesn’t happen all the time and when he isn’t violent he’s really nice to me. Is this really abuse?

It’s a misconception that an abusive relationship is violent all the time. If a partner was violent and abusive all the time and from the outset of a relationship, you’d be unlikely to get into a relationship with him – or to stay with him very long if you had. This is what makes it so difficult for women to walk away from an abusive relationship. Often a woman doesn’t want the relationship to end, she just wants the violence to stop. However, unless he’s addressing the reasons for his violence towards you, remember that it’s likely to happen again. Unfortunately what usually happens is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity over time. It might help to talk to someone who help you look at your options.

I can understand that you're all angry on the OPs behalf, but really, being very forthright is only going to reinforce her already low self esteem. It's easy to feel as though you're stupid because you stay and everyone else would leave at the first hint of violence.

The OP is in shock and believing she should leave will probably take more courage than she's ever mustered before, and a long while to gather together. She's just vulnerable and needs careful love and encouragement.

I know you all mean well, I just know how I would have felt at the time.

WEES. Sorry, but this will get worse, not better and the fact that he is not willing to seek counselling speaks volumes. Please get in touch with the organisations mentioned. I had to get away from an abusive ex-husband and I had no money and nowhere to go, but I managed it and now I am very happily married to a wonderful man who would rather chop off his own hand than lay a finger on me.

Please, there is a much better life out there for you. I promise.

I agree with Katchoo, completely.

I have a suspicion about who you are - feel free to email me through my profile if you need someone to talk to.

Have you got a friend you could confide in? Someone who could help you work through this?

None of this is your fault and I understand how scary it must be to admit that there even is a problem. ?

Please don't disappear from here - people are shocked and cross for you. And I have to say I posted without thinking - Clairy makes a very good point. Please don't think I (and I am sure all of us) want to make you feel worse than you already do.

Clairy, I understand what you mean, I promise I do. ?

[edited]

I just want you to know I'm not just saying "it's not normal, leave him" without conviction. I really hate the thought of anyone in our community feeling so lost and alone with a jaded sense of what is normal because of her husband's actions. It breaks my heart. The OP asked us to tell her what is normal and we have all just tried to do that in our own way, I don't think anyone would mean to be harsh.

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I apologise if my post came across as being harsh - it wasn't meant to be harsh to the OP, but harsh to her OH - I am so concerned and angry that anyone should have to go through this....

WKJXS, more succinctly than me! ?

Please, please listen to Mrs.Magic et al. I didn't get to read your OP in it's entirety but I think you said you were a regular. If so you'll have seen other similar thread and the subsequent outpouring of support.This has happened to a number of us to some degree and I know you are scared and ashamed (you shouldn't be).

This is not your fault.

This is not normal.

Someone you love is hurting you.

You are not alone.

Please call women's aid. 0808 2000 247

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