.

If civil ceremony - you could ask her to do a reading?

Or civil/church - she could be a witness?

Also, you could ask her to organise your hen or at least help your BM?

I would be totally honest with her and explain why you're not asking her - you might be surprised and she might want to pay for the dress - as she'll probably be paying for a new dress anyway! You could maybe split the cost too?

But all those things are things which are expected of a BM without actually giving her the title/honour and it feels wrong to do that to her.

I was really upset because on her wedding day she gave me a cuddle and a kiss and said 'I'm so sad I can't be there for you on your day like you have been for me' and I felt terrible. Money money money

In a church wedding, it would be unusual for the bridesmaids to do readings. Normally other close friends / relatives are chosen. We will probably have two readings plus another couple of friends doing the prayers. Four extra jobs that won't be performed by the best man or bridesmaid (I'm having just my sister too).

We aren't having a church wedding.

Im in a similar situation with my younger brothers but for different reasons. We are only having a small wedding (Ive still got 4 bridesmaids though!) and my OH said if he had them as ushers he would have to have a couple of his other good friends and there would be too many people in the wedding party and not enough guests! This doesnt bother me but their his groomsmen so....

I really want them to be part of the wedding so I have asked one to be a witness and the other to do a reading. We are having a church wedding. As far as i am aware and looking back at other weddings i have been to, bridesmaids have never done readings or been witnesses.

I'm not having a BM doing a reading at our wedding - didn't think that was one of their "jobs" as such? - we're also civil ceremony ?

It's such a dilemma. I don't want to ask her to pay for anything. She is currently living with her husband and in laws and saving up for her own place, I don't want my wedding getting in the way of that. She paid for my BM dress for her wedding but it was only a £25 job from eBay, I'm much more fussy and it would HAVE to match my sisters (at least in identical colour) because it's the same as the ties.

It might be just me, but her comment about wishing she could be there for you sounds a little manipulative.

Anyway, more constructively....

One of my BMs is getting married next year. She had a chat with me and said there would be no BMs because it wasn't her thing. It took me all of, ooooh, three seconds to get over it. I offered a spare pair of hands if she needed boring/grim/last minute stuff doing and she seemed quite relieved that I might still be on hand even to accidentally-on-purpose put all her votives in the wrong place, the biatch.

Just tell her it's all been sorted in terms of BM bridal party but you'd like her to do a reading/organise hen/something.

When I told my Mum she said the same, but I didn't see it that way.

I'm having a female usher and a best woman myself

I'm not having BMs. My best friend is acting the part though, she has helped me do a lot of planning, went to a dress fitting with me, is helping me design invites, will be there by my side on the day as I get ready, and will be seated in the front row, alongside family at the registers.When I asked her was she upset at not actually being the BM, she laughed and said she was just happy to be my friend, she had assumed it would be my sister officially, but she would do all the "stuff" because my sister is abroad.

A real friend will understand and work hard to swallow resentment.

But I am not having any, so maybe not really relevant.

If you want her to feel special but not a bm then my only thoughts are reading or witness?

I've got admit I thought the same as footlong when I read the bit about what she said on your day, it sounds a bit like it's said to make you feel guilty, you can still be there for someone even if you're not their BM and if she knew she wasn't going to be your BM, then it seems a weird thing to say. But you know her better than us, so maybe it didn't come across like this.

Just out of interest, how come you've only just thought about her being a BM? If you were hers what were your reasons for not having her before? Are you only thinking of it now because you feel bad for what she said or because you really wish you'd asked her?

If it's just feeling bad, then maybe offer her to do a reading (we're not having Bms or ushers to do this) or just involve her in your planning/ask her if she'd like to help with anything crafty you are doing on the running up or jobs on the day that your sister can't do (if she's said she really wants to be there for you it doesn't seem guilty).

On the other hand, if you're really regretting not having her, I'd find the money elsewhere and add her. Could you not just pay for your make up and ask them both to do their own? I decided just to have two and started regretting not asking a third that I'd originally not asked because of costs and I was worried it would cause problems in our friends group. After good advice on here I asked her - she was delighted and I wouldn't have it any other way now. So if you really want her go for it.

I really wish I had asked her, but I was so carried away with her wedding I hadn't thought much about mine until her day was over. Now I'm regretting a lot of the decisions I have made.

Based on this I'd ask her and find the money from somewhere, as it you really want her for your own reasons you may carry on regretting it. I'm really glad I asked my third bridesmaid and looking back I don't know why I ummed and ahhed about it for so long!

I have rarely (possibly never) seen a bridesmaid do the reading or be a witness, it's usually (always?) been different people. At my wedding my own sisters were my bridesmaids but my OH's sister was a witness and a friend did the reading which worked very well for us.

I'm also worried about offending my sister who has got it into her head she is the only BM. When I mentioned it to her earlier she kicked off a bit. ️?️

Hey lady! I'd say either ask her to be a witness (that's what I'm doing with one of my friends who I couldn't afford to have in the bridal party) or find the money elsewhere - maybe, you could explain the situation to your friend and see if as a wedding present she'd be willing to contribute towards the dress?

I'm sure your sister will understand (even if she's miffed to begin with) - it's only natural you'd want all the special people in your life involved with your big day!

I have been a BM-reader and a BM-witness (same wedding). We had a BM-reader and a different BM-witness at our own. I have also been a guest-reader. I don't think it's that unusual to have BMs do some of the other jobs.

I think I will just speak to her about it and explain that I want her to be with me but I can't have her as a bridesmaid and explain why. She has helped me with a lot of stuff anyway (more so than my sister has) so I'm sure she does actually feel a part of it all anyway.

You could make her a BM and upgrade your sister to MOH then they dont have to have matching dresses, just find one in the same color but cheaper maybe?

mismatched bridesmaids seem quite popular now too

My friend got married recently and there is a group of us 6 girls. She would have loved to have us all as bridesmaids but due to costs and logistics wasn't an option. She surprised us all with a button hole on the day, so we stood out from 'regular' guests. We also had a formal picture of us girls too. Was a lovely gesture and meant a lot. As others have said asking her to be a witness, or do a reading (if that is her cup of tea, to some that might strike fear into their heart!)

I'd say if you really want her as bridesmaid try and find the money if you can. If you cant, explain your reasons to her, I'm sure she will understand xx

I would never put readings and witnesses as 'bridesmaid jobs' - in the same way I wouldn't say they weren't bridesmaids jobs. I've never linked the two, if that makes sense?

Our readers were SIL (who wasn't BM) and FIL (who definitely wasn't BM). Witnesses were one of the best men and my other SIL (Not BM).

I would make her second bridesmaid to be honest. I don't know how long ago did you buy your sister dress but maybe you can return it and for the same money buy too the same in some online store. I personally know Evica.co.uk. For the money you have spent for one set of dress, ties etc. You could buy three from there. And the quality is really great as well as choice of styled and colours. At least you can try to match her dresses or ask her to do readings but being a bridesmaid I think will make her much more special.

Emma - The dress was £180 and a specific colour which I chose. The same dress wouldn't be an option for my friend due to the style and also the cost!! I also wouldn't get my money back through a return because it is kind of personalised. (the lady did explain this to me)

Understand... How about bridesmaid and maid of honour? You can either change your sister to be the maid of honour or ask you friend to be. The dresses can be completely different, just with some matching accents and you wont have to spend a fortune for new dress etc.

I have a MOH and a best woman. My best woman isn't wearing a dress as she's very self conscious about her weight and neither of us were prepared to put the strain of dress shopping on our friendship. She is still going to travel with the bridal party, will walk down the aisle first with the smallest flower girl, followed by the other 3 flower girls and page boys who will be in pairs and then my MOH. She is doing a reading during the ceremony and is in charge of rounding up the guests for the photographs. She lives locally which my MOH doesn't so is also helping me with a lot of the preparations and helping my MOH co-ordinate the hen do. I feel a little sorry for my MOH actually because she isn't get much of a look on, although on the day she'll have the pretty dress and will be a witness too.

You would put matching colored dresses in a higher priority than having your friend as bridesmaid?

9 months to go maybe this would seem logical.... 1 month before you will realise colors, matching things don't really matter it's about who is there on the day and what people have done for you.

What she said...

seems to to me like your making excuses! If you want to have her, have her! If you don't, don't...

Hey,

It seems like the first thing you need to do is weigh up whether you do really want her in the party or not...I know money and logistics come into it but you need to decide if you really want her there (don't let the thoughts of what she said change your mind).

The second thing you need to do is speak to her once you have made your decision. There have been loads of ideas here for how she can be involved - readings, being a witness, different buttonholes (we are personally having a best couple as we wanted my OH's BM involved but I couldn't afford more than two BMs). Once you have your idea and know how she feels, you can work out how to move forward...perhaps her buying a dress could go towards your wedding present?

I hope that helps!

Cat

Not sure why ou posted as every idea is shot down and it appears you have thought about the options suggested before posting?! the comment you made about it not being possible because of the style and colour of dress seems to me like you have made your mind up anyway. we all know the few other jobs people can do - reading or witness. so there is nothing else and at the end of the day she can be "there for you" help you get ready and do everything a bm would do on the day without the title of bm. if her being a bm is not possible, which you have already decided, then if she is such a great friend she would be happy to do all bm style things behind the scenes and without the label. if that's the case, then perhaps you can give her some thank you flowers in the speeches or something? ...