A friend in crisis. WWYD?

I don't think there's much else you can do, you've been a really good friend offering her a roof if she needs it and you're there if she needs support. She has to make the move to leave if she's in an abusive relationship.

Only other things you can do is get some numbers/addresses of people she can contact.

Oh my goodness your poor friend.

I have no experience or advice other than what you have already said that she can come and stay with you. Maybe you could look into local resources for her so that if (hopefully when) she leaves him you can give her some practical advice on where to go and who to talk to etc

How awful ☹️

How terrible and ? for you and her.

Have you thought about suggesting Refuge to her - they have a 24 freephone number she can call just to talk to someone, find out her options etc etc.

Their website also has some advice for friends of domestic violence victims that could maybe give you some info on how to tell with the situation? http://www.refuge.org.uk/page_l1-2_l2-161_.htm

Oh god, Ostrich, your poor friend ?

Her shithead of a H has an obligation to support her, the chicld and the new baby whether he likes it or not. Unfortunately though, the best thing for her financially at this stage would be for him to move out, and that's clearly not going to happen, so failing that she needs to get out and she needs to get legal advice.

The new baby complicated things a lot for her, of course. I do worry though that if she made a decision to end the pregnancy she would regret it bitterly in the future.

As for what you can do, sadly nothing, other than be there for her.

That's utterly sickening to read Ostrich, your poor friend ?

And as for her daughter's comment - what an awful thing for a child to witness.

You could probably call social services because her daughter is at risk too but I can't see you wanting to do that...

I think all you can do is repeat your offer, find her other forms of help, and be there. Short of hiring a man with a gun...

Oh gosh, how absolutely awful. You've listened and not judged, and you've offered support. I'm not sure what else you can do.

having been through this with my sister, can I just say that your friend opening up to you like this is a huge step in the right direction. The fact that she feels ready to "admit" what has been happening means that she must be gearing herself up to take action. Just be there for her every step of the way.

I feel so awful for your friend. And for you. It's awful seeing someone you care about go through this, and feel so helpless. I know with my sister, all I wanted to do was go round to their house and scream and shout and punch him...but of course, that would only make things worse.

Hugs to you and her. ?

I'm shaking in horror here and I'm so livid with her OH. I can just picture their little daughter talking to her daddy this morning. How sad that she had to witness that last night, I dread to think how many other times she witnessed similar. I find that so heartbreaking. I hate it when my own boys witness an argument between MrOs and I, which is pretty normal compared to this.

There's no way in hell the OH will move out, he doesn't even see that he's in the wrong. It's my friend's fault for winding him up and pushing all the wrong buttons. Pathetic excuse for a human being. My friend has a gash where her jaw/face meets her ear, a bruise on her left cheek and numerous bruises on her body. How can he look at her without feeling like the complete tosser that he is?

Thanks for the contact numbers - I'm making a note of them and will call her when she finishes work. My heart is breaking for her. I just wish there was something else i could do to help her.

Gosh, how awful. I totally echo what the others have said. Maybe look into what kind of financial support she would get if she left him. Can Refuge help with this kind of thing? Or CAB maybe? If you made the calls and asked the questions you can pass the information onto her. usually in situations where children are involved money and financial support are huge reasons women never leave.

? to you and your friend.

It's absolutely horrible , your poor friend and that poor little girl.

My dad regulary beat my mum as we were growing and we witnessed it every time , i was a very confused youngster my brother started to lose his hair at 12 , it affected him very badly even to this day he vies for my dads attention , it's sad. It took me a long time to understand how my friends liked let alone loved their dads.

We were never hit althougth i didn't like my dad and was scared for my mum all the time , i loved him still do. I went through a stage at about 12 where i blamed mum for not leaving , for not being stronger. I do still blame her a little although ultimitely i know dad is too blame. They are still together after 33 long years , he no longer hits her , i do think she's stronger now but when i ask her she has no explanation as to why she didn't leave.

I think you have been a teriffic friend , you must be for her to open up to you.

I really hopes he either gets the help he needs or she leaves.

That is utterly horrifying Ostrich. How sad, and what an utter cnut her H is.

The police no longer need a victim's statement to prosecute for domestic abuse, so there is always that route, but that is you taking the choice out of your friend's hands.

I wish I could find the words to express how terribly sad I feel about the whole story.

That's so awful!

I think you have to be prepared that she may not leave and may well, in a few days cover her tracks with it and be embarrassed at involving you. I'm not sure what you can do if that happens.

I say this as a friend of mine had this with her fiancee and she'd be all heat of the moment, move out and then a few days, maybe weeks later he'd slime his way back in and they'd be back together. She went on to marry him and now, finally, they are divorced but it was many years. I'd say that it's a really good sign that she has told you and maybe she's chosen you as you are a good friend but on the sidelines.

I think giving her the details of Refuge is a good one, so she can talk to people that are skilled and can give practical advice. The sooner she leaves the better, he sounds vile!

So, so sad about the little girl.

As others have said, all you can do is be there for your friend.

Offer the advice lines as already given.

Perhaps it's worth making the obvious point to her about her daughter now having a very odd opinion with regards to domestic violence and that it is shown that daughters from an abusive partnership often go on to seek out those sorts of relationships for themselves.

The police are great nowadays at dealing with domestic violence, though I would perhaps use us more for making the actual break rather than getting them involved if your intention is to stay IYSWIM.

Absolutely awful awful situation. She has my sympathies, but so do you because it's not a nice situation for you either.

It's very reassuring to hear that from someone who's experienced similar. I'm hoping that's the case here too. I think she must have reached the point where she knows she needs to get out, but she's obviously terrified because now she's pregnant again too.

She finishes at 5pm so I'm off to call her shortly. I'll come back with any update, I'm just hoping there will be one, that she'll get out of there.

Hmm, I am speaking from my own personal experience here, so I might be speaking out of turn.

If things come to a head, chances are it'll be when it's the middle of the night and she'll probably leave with nothing. If you want to do something practical, how about collecting a bag of your friend and her daughter's belongings - especially things like soap and shampoo, clean underwear, shoes, a change of clothes etc. That way if they ever decide to flee at short notice, they have a bag of their own things packed if nothing else. You could also hold some cash for her - I don't know, maybe she could save a bit every week, or sell some of her things without her H knowing and you look after the cash - basically a little cash fund, even if it's a couple of hundred pounds, so that she has something that is hers. Also maybe an old mobile with a PAYG sim with £20 on, a list of important numbers, some toys for the little girl, a toothbrush etc etc

I know when I was in an abusive relationship this is exactly what I wanted, and I would have felt very reassured to know I had my own secret getaway plan, however meaningless. I would have felt that little more in control. As it was, I didn't have anyone who could have kept this for me and my ex would have gone completely nuts if he had found it. I did a runner once, with my one year old, to Skegness (? I just jumped on the first train that arrived). I took a suitcase full of impractical stuff, all chucked in, winter coats and everything (it was August), the baby (obviously), a travel cot, the pram and loads of other stuff that was useless. Once there I couldn't even carry it, let alone find us any accommodation. We didn't even have anything to sleep in. I did (regretfully, in hindsight) go back home after a couple of nights, but it just reaffirmed my own self belief that I wasn't able to cope on my own.

The other thing to bear in mind is that she told you. Again, in my personal experience, when you stop covering up you are suprisingly close to leaving. Just having someone on her side is probably all the support she needs at this moment.

It must be shocking for you though, Ostrich ?

Is it possible to get pagers that with one press go stright to you/police? or would that be nuts?

I'm thinking that would be easier than grabbing a phone

L
xx

Yes it is, but I believe it needs to be installed in the family home. Getting this done with the H's consent is unlikely, I assume. I think it is designed more for homes where the woman has already left and fears future reprisals.

Ah, I thought they worked like mobiles and you could just have one thing preset in there or something

L
xx

I think Clairy's advice is excellent. This about the most you can do, aside from being there for her when she needs a friendly shoulder or a place to hide.

You should be prepared for her not to leave, though. Many don't. It's very hard ?

What a dreadful situation for your friend, I can only repeat what others have said, that it's good she has admitted it and spoken to you about it. You've done excellently she knows that you are there for her and that you aren't judging her, keep it up.

Practically, find information for her on refuges and womens services so it's there if she needs it, she knows that she can use you as a bolt hole which is a good start, preparing stuff incase she needs to leave in a hurry is a good idea.

You sound like a great friend, stay strong for her

Oh my god thats awful. He deserves a taste of his own medicine!

I don't have much to add practically but i would say the fact she's told you is a step in the right direction. I know when my last relationship started to get abusive i would have loved to have told someone and had them on my side.

Clairy's advice sounds invaluable so maybe suggest that to your friend. Other than that and collecting refuge numbers etc i think all you can do is try your best to help her whenever she comes to you.

I really hope your friend and her babies are ok both now and in the long term. She's lucky to have such a good friend as you.

He sounds like a complete scumbag!!!

I'd maybe even ring a refuge, explain the situation and see what they can do for her. Then you can explain this to your friend incase she dismisses the refuge idea without actually finding out how they can help.

Clairys advice is excellent also, this plus just being there for her is the most you can do. Its early days, as mentioned previously, the fact she's admitted whats happening to you is a massive step, so just go gently just incase she clams up.

Hugs to you and your friend x

I think that is amazing advice from Clairy. I'm just sorry that you had to go through it to know it Clairy. Other than that my experience as a friend is to stick with her even if she doesn't leave, even if it is extremely clear to everyone but her what she should do.

Excellent advice from Clairy especially re the 'getaway bag' - my Mum left my Dad in the middle of the night with nothing but what she was wearing and something like this (and a friend she trusted enough to confide in) would have made the world of difference to her.

I do hope she feels able to leave soon, before he does more damage.

? to you because this is a very difficult thing to be dealing with

.

WES - particularly clairy.

What a horrendous situation for your friend - and for you. My heart really goes out to you.

I have nothing else to add except to echo everyone else - speak to Refuge etc and I think Clairy's idea of the bag ready for her is an excellent one.

You are a very good friend for her to trust you like this.

Just a quick post to thank everyone for all your advice and support, particularly Clairy. I'm sorry your advice is based on personal experience, that must have been a horrible time for you. ? I've already started getting a bag together for her, obviously need her to give me some stuff of hers and her daughter's though!

I called her after work and she was on her way home from picking her daughter up from nursery. I told her I'd be walking in the park near her house with another friend later in the evening so I could pop in afterwards if she wanted me to. She said she'd give me a call. That was a lie actually, I wasn't walking in her nearby park at all - I just wanted to make it easy for her; I don't want her to think she's in any way a drain on me.

I didn't hear anything from her and didn't want to hound her (it's such a fine line. I've had my finger hovering over her number on my mobile most of this evening), but I sent a text saying I was just finished my walk and did she want me to pop over? I heard nothing back until about half an hour ago when she texted to say she was gone to bed, she's fine and she'll call me tomorrow. I've replied to tell her if she needs me, no matter what time of day or night it is, she can call me.

She must be feeling so low and miserable and confused right now. My heart breaks for her.

Your poor friend (and poor you) - sounds like you are doing all you can. I think the getaway bag and documents is a very good idea.

If she doesn't want to involve the police, I do understand, but she might regret this in future. Crass as it sounds if there is any way she is up to having photographs taken of her injuries then this could be useful in future. Also I don't know if it would be admissable but you writing down what she has told you about it while it is all still 'fresh'. I know this sounds a bit extreme but it is an extreme situation. What if next time he leaves her even more injured to the point shes in hospital and needs you to speak up for her? - at least you would have some information for the police.

Big hugs for her, her daughter, and you.

Oh and another thought - maybe you could agree a code word/phrase or something with her so she could phone you to get over there fast, but without alerting him?