Aargh!!! Is this out of order?!

basically no, i think its perfectly acceptable esp as your brothers been a bit of a nob (sorry, but seems he has!)

WSS

I agree with flowmojo, his behaviour hasn't exactly earned him the right to be a part of things and you're plenty out of pocket on his behalf already.

Definitely don't think you are out of order. People have been "fired" as bridesmaids/ushers for far less!

It's up to you and your partner who you have in the 'bridal party', not your mother.

Thanks Flow,

Am thinking it ok to no longer have him as usher, he will still be a weddig guest, still paying for his meal etc! My brother thinks by now resonding to calls/txt etc he thinks it will all go away and i will just carry on paying the bill and all will be ok, grrr...he's being a total turd!

Can't really see where my mother is coming from!! if he paid me the money (which at the beginning he was meant 2 be paying direct into my bank each month) he's never paid anything and is just gettin on with his life like nothing has happened!! If he paid up i would still have him as an usher! Families hey!

Are you still speaking to this brother at all, as you say you've no address for him and he doesn't answer texts? Personally, I don't think you're being unreasonable not having him as an usher anymore. I think he's lucky to still get an invite let alone anything else!

I think you've been really patient with your brother so far - and I can see why your OH has had enough, too. I think it is more than reasonable to ask him to step down as an Usher - particularly as you are showing your good will by still inviting him to the wedding. It seems like a very measured and balanced response to me.

I think you've been really patient with your brother so far - and I can see why your OH has had enough, too. I think it is more than reasonable to ask him to step down as an Usher - particularly as you are showing your good will by still inviting him to the wedding. It seems like a very measured and balanced response to me.

Here here!

Do I heck think you're being out of order! Your brother needs to grow up! And your mother needs to get a grip too and stop shielding him from his responsibilities!

Why would you want him as an Usher at your wedding when he has treated you so badly?

Maybe this will be the wake-up call he needs!

He is lucky to be still invited to the wedding at all IMHO!

xxx

Thanks guys,

I thought this was an ok solution, that he is no longr but still guest...thought family would see it like this also - but hey ho!

To answer some questions, no i've not spoken to said brother since just after xmas, didnt even know he had broke up with his g'friend and moved out until couple of months ago, last time we spoke (and he emailed me on FB!) he agreed to pay £10 per month into my account towards this bill - i've had nothing! now he doesn't ans txts or phone calls or emails regarding payment....

AM sure mother will calm down soon enough...but if she is that bothered...she can speak to my brother and get money of him, since she's the one who see's him! grr...

ok...rant over!

Ditto!

Sorry guys, just reading back through my responses...my keyboard keys keep sticking, so sorry if not everything is making sense!! grrr stupid laptop!!!

Thanks again for your replies...maybe i should show these to my mother! lol

I agree with everything everyone else has said.

I guess all you can do is see if he redeems himself in time. If not, it's his loss. Just because he's immediate family doesn't mean he gets this honour by default, he needs to earn it and so far he obviously hasn't. I hope your Mum understands this in time.

Thanks, i've been thinking of holding off asking my cousin to step in until end of this yr, i dont think by me telling my brother we no longer want him as usher will make any difference at this moment...but cant see things changing any time soon..my brother is one of those ppl who think if they ignore it the problem will go away (he's done similar things before with different fam members).

Really dont want to start a family divide or arguments etc by not having him, but on the other side dont want him to play the part of usher, pay for his suit, food etc on the day when he is ignoring me and not paying his own debt! grrr

Looks like i'll just have to put up with being the bad guy over this...

I don't think you are being out of order at all... you don't automatically have the right to a role at someones wedding, you earn it and he certainly hasn't.

I would be considering whether he deserved to be invited at all.

I can't believe that your mother is protecting him from the world in the way that she is, how will he ever learn to stand on his own two feet???

You wouldnt believe then that he's my older brother!!! he's 36yrs old!!! not a litte boy or anything...

Does your mother know about this guarantor arrangement and that he owes you money?

If so, why is she sticking up for him rather than supporting you, and more importantly, not getting on the phone and telling him that he needs to deal with his debt and to get in contact with you immediately.

Yep she knows, told her around xmas time, when it all kicked off, how mad i was etc...then told her that he had agreed to oay each month...ive since told her ive still not had any money from him regarding the debt etc and she just kinda shrugs it off, saying he's silly!!!! sooo annoying!

I just dont bother speaking to her about it now, i think she doesnt want to get on at him about it in case he falls out with her as currently i think she's the only one he speaks to. I didnt tell all the famly about it as didnt want to be seen as telling tales, making things worse, but both my parents know, as he has done similar things in the past, everyoe seems to just go along that this has happened, ive got the bill and nothing can be done about it, hence now am going to start looking like the bad guy, by bringing it back up and not letting him be an usher - and making a big deal about it!

Nope, not in the least! Stand your ground on this one.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Even without the issues surrounding your payment of his debt this:

makes me think he is totally unsuitable as a member of your wedding party. You need people you can rely on and who aren't going to add to your stresses by poor/non-existent communication. Your brother just doesn't seem to fit this.

The wedding party should be who you and your OH want it to be, it's not your mother's job to choose and I echo others in my bewilderment over why she is vouching for him instead of you. I wonder if she's just worried about people asking why he's not an usher and (if your wider circle don't know about the money issue) embarassed about it coming out?

Nope. See ALL other posts :-)

I think ur being more than reasonable. Its up to u to have thing the way u want them, not anyone else. If it were me, he wouldn't even be invited x

Good plan. And if by some miraculous chance, he should start behaving like a 36 year old you could rethink. However, you're being more than reasonable by even inviting him to the wedding as others have said. Your bridal/wedding party needs to be reliable and if he isn't repaying his debt to you or even bothering to reply to your texts, how can you feel comfortable that he'd turn up for suit fittings or even turn up on the day etc.

Being asked to be a BM/B'maid/Usher is an honour, not a god-given right just because you're family.

I am not sure my brother would get invited after that let alone be an usher ! He would have a brass neck after what he has done to you ! A mother's love and all that but I am a mother and even I would understand that ! If she is that bothered she can pay his bill !

ha ha, i know that's what i feel like telling her!

Just feel a bit bad that am the one looking like the bad guy with not letting him be usher, when everyone seems to have forgotton what has gone on and see it as, its happened now, leave it be sort of attitude!