Advice for Bonding with British In-Laws

It's not cultural to be downright bl00dy rude. Excuse my language. Your OH must be appalled at the way they treat you.

You can't force people to like or accept you so don't feel that this is all down to you to keep running around trying. why is a free lunch out a terrible way to spend Saturday? She wouldn't have thought that if she was visiting the dress shop of her choice in 'the village'.

I have read posts before but can't remember where you will live after the wedding?? The answer to that could be the key to their attitude maybe.

I'm sorry you've been treated this way. We are not all like this. They seem very narrow minded. Perhaps if you were from anywhere outside the village they would be the same. Ease tell me you're not moving to this village!

Oh blimey! It's not cultural at all it's just plain rude and they have given a pathetic excuse. Personally I wouldn't push the conversations as it sounds to me like you have tried so it is their turn. My OHs mum was the same with me until I gave up and sat in silence just smiling at the odd sentence. She soon realised I didn't give a damn anymore (I did but she didn't have to know that!) and started talking to me but the damage is done now. Are you moving to the UK or is he moving to the usa or are you both going elsewhere? I would try a different shop for the bridesmaid dresses and if his family dont agree then he needs to approach that with them. It's an awful feeling when the inlaws are like that as I have been there and we grew up a few roads apart let alone an ocean between you. Some people are just self absorbed and I hope they are just being naive and a bit daft and shake out of it soon. Where are you getting married?

I'm also an American married to a Brit. Its not cultural. they're just awful people. i got off to a bad start with my in-laws - my MIL thought all Americans were right-wing gun-toting religious nuts (the opposite of me), but she was always civil and inclusive, and they invited me to spend Xmas with them when I didn't go home for xmas the year I met my OH. Even when they weren't sure about me, they were civil and went out of their way to include me. as soon as we got engaged, "civil" turned into downright warm and fuzzy! his mum went out of her way to help with my pre-wedding freak outs and step into the mum role for the things my mum couldnt be there for. and now we email, whatsapp, where we didn't before.

Sorry, this probably isnt very helpful - but its not you, its not a US/UK thing, its them! unfortunately theres not much you can do - if they don't want a relationship, you can't force it. very sad for both you and your OH :-/

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I feel for your OH, that's just awful. You've done you're best to try and include them, I'd just not stress over it now. Enjoy the rest of your wedding planning without adding any more stress to it I say. Like the girls have said, were not all like that, seems to be just a family thing rather than a cultural thing.

Good luck with rest of your planning

Not that I want to make any excuses for them as there is no excuse but maybe the root of their problem is worry that you will both move to the US at some point. Quite honestly I wouldn't blame the pair of you. OH has at least given them a talking to and possibly that will start to sink in.

You should have the wedding you want and if his sister doesn't want to go to any other shops or wear the colour you want then she doesn't want to be your bridesmaid. I'm afraid I would put my foot down and not let her and his mum dictate your colours.

You could ask your friend to find dresses for the both of them and send one to her. Maybe there is someone in the village who does alterations. If you want to be nice she could try the dress she likes and send you a picture so your friend could look for something similar style in colours you want where there is more choice in the city.

Some mums don't like losing their little boys. The only way to deal with the MIL from hell is to ignore them. She will probably Come round after a while but probably won't respond until she is ready whatever you do.

She sounds a very narrow minded individual.

Sounds to me like they are afraid to cut the apron strings but they need to get over it. They are probably intimidated by your families education and again need to get over it. Knowledge is just knowledge not power and if they realised that they would be chuffed for you. I imagine they are worried you will snatch him away but if they carry on they will push you both away. Don't stress yourself trying. Hopefully in time they will come found but if not see them when you have to and just stay civil. Don't let it come between you.

I think you already know it isn't cultural because:

You say that his friends, who he chose, have made you feel welcome, and have been interested in you, whereas his family, who you don't chose, hasn't. I can't offer any advice as luckily hasn't happened to me, but really try not to let it get to you. Of course you want his family to like you, you are marrying into this family, and you want to feel part of it naturally not forced into it. Instead of this is MrP's wife, you want it to be, this is MrsP2be my daughter in law. Some people just are weird and won't accept any type of change to the way they think it should be. Can I ask something? Has everyone else including his brother, have they all gotten married in the village? That's just occured to me while typing. If everyone in their family has all gotten married in the same church/registry office, is it his family being put out that because you are American, you want to get married at home (totally on your side on that one) and so their friends won't see it happening and they instead won't have that ego boost.

It is a really crap situation, but, the more you force it or try to get them to like you, I think the more dissappointed you'll be. You have a lucky escape in being 20/30 minutes away so no surprise drop ins. Just enjoy planning as much as you can without them, yes it's lovely for them to be included, and have an opinion, but, it sounds like they'd rather not, so just organise it all with people who do care, and are excited for you. His mum, dare I say it, seems like the type of woman who will have no time for you, until something that takes 9 months happens, then I think you are going to have real problems if you two decide you want kids. So, maybe keeping the relationship fairly aloof and civil now, may not be a bad thing in long term.

I agree with the other comments... It's not a cultural thing at all... They would probably be the same if you were from the UK (particularly if you were a few hours away). They are just being rude... It might not necessarily be deliberate, but sounds like they are too absorbed in their own world (I.e their village) to show any enthusiasm for anything or anyone outside of it! I wonder whether they specifically wanted to go to the shop in their village because there would be a high chance of bumping into someone they knew, and they could have showed off about the fact they were going bridesmaid dress shopping? A sort of ego trip?

It sounds like you have already tried very hard with them, so not sure what to suggest. Personally if it was me I would stay polite but not want to waste any more energy trying to include them. It sounds like you won't see much of them before the wedding now (hopefully they will be delightful on the day itself) but maybe after you could try again, maybe even attend a village event lol

Do they travel or is their whole life in their small village?

My initial reaction is to say stuff them, you have tried to include them and I am sorry but your future MIL's comment on 'can think of better things to be doing on a Saturday' isn't her not knowing what to say to you and comments like that need to be addressed. How rude. I don't even know you but would relish the opportunity to go dress shopping lol!

It isn't cultural, they are just rude, this may just come from bitter experience but I would be pulling them up on it, it does work wonders when they realise you won't take any rubbish from them. So when they change the subject, bring it back around and ask their opinions (doesn't mean you have to use any of it, just makes them feel more involved), if they keep doing it I would certainly say that you feel they aren't interested which is strange when you have heard that they have moaned they aren't involved.

Fight fire with fire but with a really big sweet smile stuck on your face!

I don't think it's necessarily a British thing, just a insular, small minded, parochial thing. They are intimidated in a 'well, this village was good enough for us...' sort of way. I wouldn't want to bond with them to be honest.

To be honest, his parents sound like the kind of people we'd all have the same issues with. I doubt it's got anything to do with you being "foreign."

I think you should stop trying to please them and concentrate on people who are nice to you. There may also be class issues, but you will probably struggle to know what those could be or how to identify them.

Much as I agree with the others that his parents just seem to be a bit rude, as a foreigner marrying into a British family I actually do recognise some of these things. It might be a coincidence of course, I don't know, but even though my inlaws are absolutely lovely I also sometimes feel like it's hard to really 'connect' with them. My fiance thinks it may actually be because they feel a bit insecure about us thinking that they are boring, or something. Some British people can be a bit insular especially if they haven't travelled much, and if they're clever enough to realise that about themselves it can make them feel insecure (although that's probably true of every culture you're coming into as an outsider, not specifically British). Maybe something similar could be at the root of your problem and it's just coming out in a more nasty way. Anyway, since it seems you have already tried your best to include them and make them feel appreciated, I don't really know what more you could do about it though! At some point I guess you need to accept it and carry on. And definitely don't blame yourself!

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