Advice needed, Please?

My advice is: don't. Don't tell him, but let him know.

I was in the same situation, but I didn't tell my dad, he already assumed because I let him know, rather than told him directly. Rather than going in with the mindset of 'you should have this privilege but I'm taking it away from you because you're not good enough', take the 'you never earned this in the first place, so of course it was never going to be your job, and therefore I'm not even going to acknowledge it' approach. Casually drop into conversation that you plan to have your cousin do it, rather than saying, 'Dad, I don't want you to do it'.

My dad asked me who was walking me down the aisle (because he kind of knew already it wouldn't be him), and I replied honestly that I hadn't decided and was either going to go for my mum or walk with my H2B. We ended up doing the latter, but I made it clear from the start that it was never something I was going to ask him to do. I didn't, however, ever have the 'you're a sh*t father and I don't want you to do it' talk.

As I said, try to tackle it positively, i.e. "I'm going to ask [insert cousin's name]" - in a conversation in which you're casually updating him on wedding news. Don't voice it into a negative by explaining why you're not choosing him. If he then wants to ask you why, then you can explain in a calm way that you don't feel very close to him, and therefore the act of 'giving you away' is not something that you'd feel comfortable with him doing. Perhaps you can ask him to take on another responsibility if he really wants one. Maybe you could think up something else for him to do instead, before you even have the conversation.

As for the speeches, I think that it's unlikely he'll write one if he's not asked, especially if he knows that he's not walking you down the aisle, so I'd just avoid mentioning it. If you do have to mention it, then again, frame it positively: "We're asking [name], [name] and [name] to do speeches". Rather than "I don't want you to do one. He'll get the picture. If he doesn't, then I have a little anecdote that might help: My colleague told me of a similar situation in which the MOB and FOB were divorced. The MOB had a great, supportive, motherly relationship with the bride and groom, and the FOB was useless. He tried to do a speech at the wedding, uninvited, but was heckled by the groom, everyone cheered and he finished his speech pronto. I'm sure you don't want any potential conflict, but if everyone is aware of your relationship, they'll be supportive, and he'll pick up on it, no matter how direct or indirect they are.

Good luck, family politics are dreadful! I'm looking forward to a nice secure future family unit with my new husband, and none of this breaking up/rubbish father nonsense! I just wont have it!!

Mrs House