Advice on children (poss people who have fostered/adopted?) Long, sorry.

Oh goodness, what a difficult situation. Do you think it's likely that she genuinely wants your H to adopt him? Are you in a position to do so?

Your local council will have an adoption and fostering team- I'd get in touch with them in the first instance.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

Blimey, what a difficult situation.

The ex sounds mad in a 100 different ways.

I've no experience but there are people who foster or have adopted on BT so might be worth cross posting over there too.

Thanks for the replies - we're not really in a position to take him, no, and but H grew up in foster care and knows the damage it did to him and he would rather we lived in a shed and ate only baked beans than see his son go through that (which I understand obviously) Knownowt, I don't think she would want me to adopt him, no, H is named on his birth certificate so it would be H that had all the legal rights.

Zebra, thank you for making me smile - she's all shades of mental that one.

We took on my niece last year in very simillar circumstances. She had been living abroad with her mum and was apparently too much trouble. It turned out, the trouble niece had was because of her mother's behaviour.

The very first thing you must do, if you want to have him, is take legal advice on custody. He needs the stability of knowing that that's his home, and that's it. This has been our biggest bugbear and problem; without legal parental responsibility (which your H will have, but you won't), you can't talk to schools, take them to the dentist, nothing. And the kids can cotton on.

Be prepared for them to be angry at their mum one minute and worshipping her the next. Nomatter what his mother has done, he will probably love her and feel very responsible for her. It's hard and it's complex, probably different for everyone - but not undoable. And it does sounds like this boy needs his dad (and you) very much.

Let me know if you have any more specific questions x

Thank you for your reply, that's really helpful. You have brought up another concern of mine though - he's never been to nursery school or a playgroup or anything like that; I'm not even sure he's ever really interacted with other children.

He would get support at pre-school though, I'm sure; at his age in this country, he'd be eligeable for five free half-days and will start reception in September (I think). Kids his age can often appear disturbed, to be fair ? I think you won't know more until you've spent time with him.

I know, unfortunately she's lving in a foreign country in the back of beyond somewhere and he's not in anything like that at the moment - I guess my main concern in that aspect is if she decided he was to live with us too late, so he'd be too late to join nursery or anything like that and he wouldn't be able to go to school.

Hi,

I am an adoptive mum. My DD was in care so i don't know about adopting a step child. but you can get info on the 'adoption uk' website - just google to get the address.

It sounds as though your step son is a very upset little boy who is showing behavioural signs of the anxiety and disturbance in his short life. it wouldn't surprise me if he hasn't had the best start in life - witnessing arguements as a baby; mum moving to a different country and him having to learn a new language in order to interact with other people and (based on your post); no opportunities for socialisation and a mother who is not entirely 'mentally stable' who might possibly have been verbalising to her son her wish that he 'goes away and stays somewhere else'. If I am right about his life experiences then it is now wonder he is struggling to behave appropriately.

Adopting a pre-schooler isn't easy but you will find if she 'dumps' him you will be eligible for lots of support and additional assistance with socialising (eg surestart programmes) and it is a wonderful age where you can really get to know a little 'person' with their own personality and talents.

I would speak to your local 'children and families' social work team now - the number should be in the front of the yellow pages. Explain the situation, find out what the legalities might be if she comes back to UK, leaves son with you then goes off travelling again and can't be traced. Also got OH's Foster Mum to back up the story. Then I guess you have to sit down and agree how to manage the situation as, when and if it arises.

Wishing you all the best - however things turn out for you, your OH and your step-son.

Magenta x

Thank you Magenta, that's really helpful ?

Do you want to email me: **********@*******.**.** I work in this field and have worked on similar cases but can't really say too much on here because of confidentiality

Magenta put that so well. 3 1/2 year old boys are a challenge any way, but they respond so well to a stable, loving environment with adults who behave like adults. And pre-schools are so good at socialising them. Don't worry about the lack of contact before hand, my son had had a bit of playgroup action, but not much, pre-schools are so so geared up to easing kids into this sort of thing, and generally so supportive to whatever your needs are.

GOod luck x

Have no real advice for you unfortunately, but I have to agree with others that have posted; I think you'll find that once you meet this little boy, and give him a few weeks/months to settle in, should you take him on, he'll change completely.

Kids don't need the latest toys, clothes, etc.. The biggest thing they need is to know they're loved, and be able to express their emotions as well in a safe environment; a learning environment. Jnr Smith lives with his mum and we have Jnr and Stepdaughter down over holidays etc. While he's with mum he's a handful, but when he comes down to see us, he gets all the affection and attention in the world. Obviously the same goes for Stepdaughter.. But kids need stability, and love. The rest? Well, you can work on that ?

Good luck!! xxx