Advice on telling OH family no regarding inviting extra guests

Some people are shocking! Sometimes I wonder where this ideaof bridezilla comes from- from reading the posts that have been on hitched recently it shoud be guestzilla! What is it about weddings that makes people think they can act rudely and inappropriately?

you said you've only sent save the dates not invites yet. i think you should stick to your guns and tell them firmly they aren't invited. It sounds like you've been accommodating enough and they are just taking advantage and being plain rude!

x

I'd just reply to those who have booked hotels for non-invited guests, and say "I'm sorry, but as we previously said, these people are not on our guest list. When Aunt X couldn't come, we invited friend A instead. We are aware it is a big family, so to invite some aunts/second cousins and not others would not be fair, plus we would like our friends to be with us on the day. Sorry if this inconveniences you".

Oh, and don't even enter into conversation with FIL about this. At my first wedding, an uncle of mine threw a hissy fit when I didn't invite my cousins' partners (I see them less than once a year and had no idea they were in relationships). He said if they weren't invited, none of that family would come. I simply replied that I was sorry they felt unable to attend, but understood their reasoning. Uncle then told my elderly grandmother that I had been rude, and had upset him and a load of other manipulative lies. Cue grandmother being upset and telling my other aunt and my mother. Still, I stuck to my guns, the uncle and his family didn't come, and everyone had a good day regardless!

I think a polite but assertive letter/message to all concerned explainging to avoid any confusion that only named guests invited will be able to attend and catered for and that any non attendees will be replaced by a guest of your choice and not theirs.

This is the only way to deal with people like this especially when they know a place setting will not be there for them at the meal (if you are having sit down meal). I hate it when people spoil the run up to your day with their selfishness.

They are being very rude but I think you are making a rod for your own back by letting them (or your FIL) get away with it.

I absolutely refused to invite anyone I didn't want to. This meant that I only had a handful of cousins present, and furthermore, there were some people invited without their siblings being invited! I didn't care - my response to my Mum (who kicked up the most fuss) was "What are they going to do, stop inviting me around for Sunday dinner?" (because, of course, they never did anyway!).

With a max guest list of 80 (and I agree, declare this as your limit, not the budget), you can play the 40 + 40 card and say that you are already dropping close friends etc in order to accommodate distant family (and their temporary partners!). In the case of the cousin's daughter's boyfriend, I would contact the cousin and say that you are sorry to hear that his Mum (is that right?) cannot come but you are unable to offer the place to the boyfriend as you've already got family on your side that you have to include instead (if this is not the case, lie, as they'll struggle to justify their inclusion instead of your family, more so than instead of your friends).

But to repeat, you HAVE to be firm. You obviously cannot trust these people to be gracious about it. It's horrible to think that people are grumbling but really, do you care???

Oh dear. I think that alot of brides find the guest list one of the hardest things.

I am in a similar situation to you. I have a small but very close family, whereas my OH has a very large family who he never really sees. My FMIL seems to think that if i invite my cousins and their children (only two kids who I see often), then my OHs cousins and children (about 12 kids) should come too. It doesn't matter to her that we've never even met these children, and that my OH doesn't even know the names of some of his cousins. Its frustrated! I never wanted a wedding full of strangers!

At the moment we just keep telling her that the venue only holds 120 people and that we don't have an unlimited amount of money, so will see how the budget is coming along closer to the time. Its not ideal but I don't want to fall out with her.

Me and OH have fallen out over it a few times, because when we first did the guest list he agreed with me, but then when his mother complained he told me that "family is family." Grrrr! Not if you don't even know their names!

I think its totally wrong of people to decide who gets invited. I think that if your OH agrees with you, then he needs to man-up and tell his family. Its not fair to put this all on you.

I think that your being very reasonable and I completely understand your situation, but I don't know how good your relationship is with OHs family, so I don't know how you could go about telling them. But don't give in. Its your day, and you should celebrate the way you want. Don't compromise on the things you want to spend your money on, just to fit in the extra (unwanted) guests. (I feel like I should be following my own advice!)

Good luck, hope you sort it out!

Im by no means excusing this behaviour but given your MIL being recently deceased I do think this needs handled very sensitively and you need your FIL on your side. I cant imagine what he is going through & your OH as well. I think you need to cut your FIL some slack.

I think cousins wanting to bring their latest partner is a total no no. I am of the train of thought whereby if you invite first cousins that needs to be a consistent 'rule' - I know everyone agrees but for us it made things clear cut & we got on with it.

We didnt invite friends children - one asked if they could bring their child & I said no as if we opened up that can of worms for everyone it would be more a creche than a wedding & a route we were not prepared to go down. Friend was ok - at the end of the day there is no harm in people asking, even if they are pushing it a bit. But they shouldnt think that by having the audacity to ask that they should automatically get a yes. People refusing to come is stupid & they are the only ones losing out.

To be honest I couldn’t care less if any of my OH family came to the wedding but I know my OH would as he wanted to please his dad.

Originally OH only wanted to invite a few aunts and uncles and that was it, that changed when his mum died and he now wants to invite a lot to keep his dad happy.

I’ve had lots of drama with my mums family point blank refusing to come to the wedding if my parents are there and I’ve told them that’s fine if they don’t come as I don’t care.

I’d happily tell OH family that only people named on the invite is actually invited and no-one else will be invited or replaced unless we say so but as much as OH agrees with me I think he is frightened of upsetting his family and more so his dad. OH likes to please everyone and keep all parties happy but as far as I am concerned this is about me and him no-one else and its us paying for it.

I’m happy to be the witch on this occasion and phone or write to them and say that only the people named on the save the date is invited and that we will decided who we wish to invite and not them and that if anyone turns up who’s name isn’t on the guest list then there wont be a place for them and they will be asked to leave.

I know I cant go like a bull in a china shop as it will upset OH but I also know that he wont say anything to them even though he says he will and they will end up turning up.

OH family are very pushy and his dad can be rather controlling and manipulative although OH can’t/won’t see this he thinks they are perfect. Its been a constant power struggle since I met OH with them still thinking they control every aspect of his life right down to what he does and doesn’t spend even though he has lived away from home for almost 10 years.

I’m just not sure how to tackle this without upsetting OH. I’m not concerned about upsetting anyone else but I’ve co-operated enough with the guest list and I’m not doing it anymore. I simply don’t want someone at our wedding who I don’t know. Half of his family who are coming I’ve met maybe once or twice in the 7 years we have been together which is bad enough never mind people who I’ve never met. We only ever wanted close friends and family at the wedding and its now gone so far away from that on OH side and us not being able to invite close friends because OH has family coming that he never see’s or speaks to.

Were going to be going through the same thing once i send the invites out too

Our package allows 50 adult guests 3 course meals kids under 5 are free and under 12 are half price we can only fit 70 seated though so the way were working it is 50 adults theres about 6 under 5s and about 4 under 12s thats it im not paying £35 a head for any more adults!

OH has 5 brothers and sister all with kids and partners so that takes up most of his numbers whereas i only have 2 childless single brothers so im getting to invite cousins aunts and uncles which i know people are going to have something to say about but tough my wedding my rules!

Im also only inviting family who stay in scotland to the meal the rest are evening only and im even inviting a few aunts and uncles but not my grown up cousins

Oh my God, you must have the patience of a saint ! I don't however,and would be straight on the phone to the Hotel cancelling the rooms ordered by people uninvited to the wedding. I'd include a note on the invitation advising that due to restrictions only those named on an invitation will be admitted to the venue- you don't have to explain yourself. I think your OH should deal with his father- at the end of the day,let's not forget it's YOUR wedding. If your family were paying for it all,then they could invite who they liked. Why should you cater for people you've never met?

Its a hard situation, esp at the recent loss of his mum, BUT, you prob still wouldnt invite them all even if she was still here.

I'd make it clear that YOU will be inviting people to replace others that cant come. Thats just plain rude. What does your OH think of their behaviour? Why not show him this forum so he can get a perspective of what is considered normal/decent? If he is from that family, he obviuolsy thinks its normal to invite your own friends/family to someone elses wedding!

I had a similar situation when a distant friend of my nans wanted to invite her lay-about son, because he was driving her to the wedding. He stayed with us several times in the past with his entire family, not paying for a single meal, not giving even a small gesture of thanks nor repaying the gesture when we were staying in his town. He said we should 'peep the horn as we drive past'!!! Despite ending up with a spare seat due to a sick friend, I stuck to my guns & said no. He stayed in the hotel & entertained himself.

You shouldnt be put in such an awkward situation & yout OH should step up. Its plain ignorance & unfair to make you seem like bad one here.

I think you need to say that you have a reserve list and so if people are unable to come there are others that you are inviting so they dont think they can just swap whoever they like in. That's the point of save the dates and invitations and having a maximum number of guests - you can add more in if you get declines.

This behaviour is absolutely disgraceful. You should politely but firmly put your foot down about this. I know the loss of your MIL is making you feel guilty but you need to overcome it and handle it in the way you would normally - but sensitively at the same time. So what if they don't come to your wedding? I certainly wouldn't want people like that at my wedding. I personally have had it up to here with family politics and me and OH are standing our ground and have said NO to a number of things that his family have demanded and so far, they have backed down and it's ok for the moment. I had a similar thing where we have a 'no kids except for wedding party' rule but OH's Mum thought it wouldn't apply to her family - had to spell out to her that my cousins and friends had all been told not to bring their kids and that it wasn't one rule for their family and a different rule for mine! So cheeky!

I hope you get this sorted out hun x x x x

Thank you all so much for your advice, i've been mulling more like stewing over this since i posted.

I spoke to OH again about it and it turns out his dad has turned up the heat on inviting the guests and OH just wants to let them come and says that he will pay the extra.

To be honest I near had steam coming out of my ears. He is missing the point! Does he want to invite and pay for all of my family that I have told no they cant have a plus one or the family I havent invited because they are 2nd cousins?

He wasn't so keen on that one. I've been trying to be respectful to the loss of his mum and know his dad is still mourning but that doesnt excuse them trying to impose on our wedding.

As my dad told my aunt who moaned she didnt have a plus one its a wedding not a party where its an open invite. They are GUESTs and as such ought to be grateful they are invited and be more respectful to people.

OH bought me flowers to try soften me up to inviting who his dad wants and as much as I like the flowers its not changed how I feel and it won't change. This is our wedding and nobody has a right to be dictating who should and shouldn't be invited.

I know some people are going to think I'm an utter bridezilla for my attitude but i do not want to get married in front of a sea of people I dont know and dont care for. OH isn't close to his family and half the people we have been forced to invite to keep his dad happy OH doesn't even like!

I think as they say i'm going to have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. I wont be miss popular with my OH or his family after it but this is our wedding not a family party and i'm done with people trying to take the piss. We are paying for this wedding ourselves and have spent 3 years saving up for it so i'm dammed if I've been saving so hard and going without so someone I dont know can come get a free meal and some drinks.

Graceyfly, I'm taking a leaf out of your book.

I'm now feeling exactly as you describe, I have no interest in the wedding the excitement has now gone for me to the point I'm dreading having to do anything wedding related.

I told OH this last night whilst in tears and I think he finally got the message about just how much I didn’t want these people at the wedding and just how rude it is of them asking. He started off by going on about how I know the situation with the family because of his mum and I explained that his mum was the reason the guest list for his family was increased but we need to draw a line somewhere and that him and his family can't keep using that as an excuse to try get what they want and that the card had be played for the last time. I know its hard his mum won't be there but adding a million extra family members isn’t going to make up for that on that day and its unfair to put me in this position.

OH family know he is a bit of a push over because he is nice and likes to please everyone so they take advantage of that and try to manipulate him.

So the result is that his family are travelling over 170 miles to come to the wedding so I’ve told them they can come to the reception but I will not let me them be present at the ceremony or the meal and if they try they will be asked to leave. He then asked how would I know if there were extra and I just replied that I’d give my brother who is an usher the guest list and ask him to get people's names before permitting entry to the ceremony and if they aren't on it he won't be slow in asking them to leave.

Sound's harsh but I am deadly serious about it. My brother will have no problem taking names as he is giving out the order of service to people. I don’t think these people will bother to travel all that way just for an evening reception but even if they do provided they aren't in my ceremony or meal I don’t care.

OH has promised to call them tonight to tell them and he has been warned if he hasn't done it by the time I get home at 7.30 then I’m going to be doing it. I've also warned him that if his family ask for anymore people to come then the whole lot will be told they aren't welcome at all at the wedding and the guest list and numbers will be slashed drastically. He knows I’m serious.

Fingers crossed he gets the message through to them because I honestly can't take much more and just want to be excited about my wedding again not cry myself to sleep about it most nights

Absolutely this!

My mum is one of 9, my dad is one of 8..... If I had picked "Aunties and Uncles and first cousins" there would be people I wouldnt even know if I passed in a street coming. We chose people who we consider friends, aunties we socialise with, cousins we see regularly, great cousins we see regularly. In essence, their place in the family is irrelevant... if we like them and spend time with them by choice, they are invited.

So bit of an update. OH had spoken to his family by the time I got home from work last night. They weren’t in the slightest bit pleased at being told they couldn’t add on these extra people and said they couldn’t understand why if some of their family wasn’t going that other people in the family couldn’t take their place after all it’s a family occasion and family is more important than friends. OH didn’t argue with them but told them that if space came up they would let them know and that as we haven’t sent out the invites we don’t even have official RSVP’s yet so she said she would speak to him once the invites went out and that the extra family members will still be coming to the evening reception. I can’t believe they are planning to travel all that way for an evening reception.

I’m not happy with their response and I get the feeling that its going to start back up again in January when I send the invites out but I can tell you this now, no matter how many people tell us they can’t make it OH extra family will not be getting invited to the full event.

We have friends who we consider to be more like family and I’d rather have them there. I get the impression they will be pushing it but I’m not backing down. It is not a family occasion its our wedding and we decide who we invite.

I have decided to go with the guest list idea to make sure unwanted guests don’t sneak in.

I’d rather they got stopped at the door than in the ceremony. The venue only put out enough chairs for the number of guests so it wouldn’t be until everyone had arrived and there wasn’t enough seats that we would know and it would be harder to deal with and establish who shouldn’t be there. Sounds extreme but needs must to prevent the wedding turning into a circus show.

I honestly think weddings sometimes bring out the bad bits in people. Everyone seems to feel so entitled and forget that it’s the about the Bride and Groom and that the Bride and Groom are footing the bill not them.

I think its probably the calm before the storm of the official invites going out but provided me an OH are happy then I don’t care who gets upset or their nose put out of joint by not being invited or being told they can’t bring a plus one. They ought to have a little more respect for our wishes. OH family might be in a huff with us now but its taken the stress and pressure away from both of us and I’m glad. Provided they don’t try give OH a hard time about it otherwise I’m going to have to step in.

I'm glad to read your OH is finally starting to see thngs from your perspective (one I totally agree with). I think your solution is a good one. I hope you also have as many of your close family/ friends for the ceremony and meal as possible. Fingers crossed you got home last night to find all phonecalls made and everything sorted. I really hope you get back to enjoying your wedding planning x

Some people really are just rude... I can't believe they think this is ok. Madness! Hopefully by the time invites go out, emotions will have calmed down, especially with your FIL and his grief.

That said, I'm not sure you can refuse entry to a wedding - I thought that they had the 'does anyone object bit' so that anyone who did could come in and do so. Stopping people on the door with a list may not be possible..... Someone else will hopefully know if I'm completely missing the point.

You can stop people coming into the evening though. All the guests for our meal our going on a bus to the venue, and there will be a list to make sure nobody is left off (or tries to sneak on!), then all those guests are arriving at the evening venue before the evening only guests and the place already has a ticket only policy, where we have to provide each guest with a ticket and give them a guest list so there are no gatecrashers Not sure how it will work with people going out to smoke, though.

We are getting married and having our evening reception in a hotel so its classed a private function and we have exclusive use of the hotel for the whole day and night. We are also having a humanist service so there won’t be the does any one object bit included in the service we’ve choosen to have the whole thing personalised to us and have left a lot of the traditional bits out of it except the legal vows which we can’t get around.

We asked the hotel previously about people coming to the hotel who aren’t part of the wedding as we had exclusive use of the hotel and they stated they would be turned away because of the private function so the guest list would be an extension of that really.