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NickJ
Beginner

advice re a friend

NickJ, 28 April, 2009 at 16:48 Posted on Off Topic Posts 0 22

Argh this is frustrating me, i could really use alternative views please

i have this friend, lets call him A. he s good fun, a real raconteur, generous, great company. however, he played a big part in a section of my life which i didnt enjoy. he helped me through it to a degree, and was a mediator between me and another party. he told me some lies at the time, though i didnt realise that until later. nothing damaging to me, but to make himself look better, and to curry favour with (yet another) party.

when i was good friends with him, he d ring all the time, i mean ALL the time. every day at least, sometimes more than that, for ages at a time. because he d helped me i lived with it.

then i found out he d told an enormous lie about something and it really changed my view of him to the degree that i no longer wanted him in my life. the calls all but stopped, now its about 2 or 3 times a year, and during the call he always says he ll come up and see me and madam etc etc etc, but its never arranged.

he s called today and left a message. despite him being good fun, i dont want him in my life, but i dont want to tell him why as it may cause issues. i ve tried ignoring the calls in the past, but on occasion, he ll ring and i ll answer and i cant not answer the phone, yet, i dont really want to talk to him as these days it just brings back a whole bunch of bad memories.

i see my options as A, dont ring him, but then he will contact me sooner or later and i ll have to speak to him. B, tell him i dont want him in my life - but what to say and how to say it? or C, something else. I dont want to email him. if someone else asked this question, i would say grow a pair of balls and be straight about it. I cant do that with this guy for various reasons which are too long and rambly to go into, and not that important anyway. the crux is though that i cant be direct about it. any ideas?

22 replies

Latest activity by Mrs JMP, 28 April, 2009 at 21:23
  • Hyacinth
    Beginner
    Hyacinth ·
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    Could you put him off with some kind of excuse as to why you can't talk/ meet up a few times, to give yourself some space, and in the hope he might take the hint?

    Sometimes I don't see the point behind a big blow up and heart to heart, its not usually worth the stress and could end up involving other people. If you don't have to see him regularly he should be easy enough to cut out?

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  • Joodlebug
    Beginner
    Joodlebug ·
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    Could you write to him. I find it's much easier to say the things I want to in a letter than over the phone or face to face, plus it gives you a one-sided chance to tell him straight without having to answer his questions etc. You could say that you don't want to discuss it any further, but that the letter explains how you feel and your reasons behind it, then ask him not to contact you again...

    Other than that I reckon you've just got to front it out.

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  • Sairedy
    Beginner September 2003
    Sairedy ·
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    If you can't tell him face to face I'd go down the route of avoiding him as much as possible

    If you answer the phone and it's him be on your way out and busy when he suggests visiting

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  • emma numbers
    Beginner June 2008
    emma numbers ·
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    It depends on what's gone on but if it were me I'd probably not return calls and if I answered the phone to him probably either

    talk to him but not say too much about my life or be too interested in his
    or
    say I'm busy can I call him back and then not.

    Hopefully he'll think you've just drifted apart and get the message.

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  • Knownowt
    Knownowt ·
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    I think your options are:

    a. honesty, which you don't seem keen on;

    b. ignore him, which means he'll call back;

    c. call him back and be polite but distant (eg "nice to hear from you after so long- what can I do for you?" "I wondered if you fancied meeting up for a drink" "oh that's a nice idea. I'm a bit busy at the moment but will give you a call when I'm more free" blah blah)

    Not sure what's the right approach. In your shoes I'd try to be honest in a vague sort of way, making it clear what I was bothered about but not in a way that opens things up for discussion.

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  • F
    Beginner July 2003
    Fimble ·
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    If you really really can't tell him, you can either

    1. suck it up and be friends (worst option)

    2. don't return his calls, be as unavailable as possible (best option but still lame)

    3. tell him MrsNick says you're not allowed to be friends with him (not very believable)

    4. tell him you have joined a cult/have swine flu/are going to live in a secret commune with no phones (even less believable)

    oh or, just for you , 5. go onto facebook and update your status to 'NickJ doesn't want to speak to xxx ever again'

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  • P
    poochanna ·
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    As Jess said it's tricky without knowing the situation but if it's 2-3 times a year I can't really see the big need for a "cull". I'd have thought that avoiding him would work, surely you see his number come up on your phone so you know it's him? Is it someone you are likely to see via mutual friends? If not then I can't see a huge issue with ignoring him.

    My H has someone a little like this in his life and he started to become a bit of a pest. He now just avoids his calls and he's got the message and got bored.

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  • M
    MrsSW ·
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    You could bake him some fougasse that spelt out 'F*CK OFF'?

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  • NickJ
    Beginner
    NickJ ·
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    All those are plausible ideas. if i felt it would help to go into it more then i would, but i just dont think it would really.

    on balance, i think i ll go with the not call back, and when he calls again, be a little distant and take the busy approach if he suggests meeting.

    with anyone else i would just be direct but with him it would cause more issues that it would solve.

    thanks all

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  • NickJ
    Beginner
    NickJ ·
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    Well, i said all. clearly some arent, but the rest were until i posed.

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  • Old Nick Esq.
    Old Nick Esq. ·
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    Can you piss him off to the point at which he won't want to speak to/be around you without being overly obvious about it?

    For example, I speak to someone occasionally who always wants to meet up for drinks, I've no time for him in that regard, so I always offer lunch/dinner at the rugby club or some other rugby related outing. I know he has a real 'thing' about rugby being "classist" but he' never going to broach it with me... So it's a get out of jail free card for me.

    Depends how serious it all is I suppose.

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  • DaisyDaisy
    DaisyDaisy ·
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    Can you bite the bullet, invite him over, have some man to man time and say something along the lines of 'I'd like to clear the air, because I enjoy your company and don't want to lose you as a friend - but I'm quite hurt / suprirsed /whatever it is by X lie, and I thought I ought to tell you that tbh it's become a bit of a stumbling block for me'.

    Or is that just way too airy fairy for you Nick? It's what I'd do. Life's too short to hide from people. Honesty in a nice way is surely the most satisfactory plan - maybe he'll run away for ever as a result - even better, but your conscience is clear, no niggly feelings.

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  • DaisyDaisy
    DaisyDaisy ·
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    View quoted message

    Fantastically gay!?

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  • Lillythepink
    Beginner
    Lillythepink ·
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    What did he tell the massive lie about - something huge or something silly? Who told you about the lie - did they tell you the whole story, how do you know it's true? Why might he have told the lie? Is he hugely insecure?

    Point being - you know he lied about some minor stuff at a time when he was being quite a good mate. How do you know the "enormous lie" wasn't the truth, or that you were told the truth about it being a lie? (I think I@ve lost myself)

    Is the "enormous lie" the only reason you don't want him in your life? Or have you moved on and don't want him about because he reminds you of a sh!tty time (which is pretty harsh, considering you were mates and you describe him in quite charming terms, fun, generous etc)

    Anyway, all of the above aside, if you're not wanting to man up and ask him to stop calling, then you will have to just cull by stealth and hope he gets the hint. Not quite what I would expect from you though - you've always struck me as the direct type.

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  • Mrs Magic
    Beginner May 2007
    Mrs Magic ·
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    I have a vague memory of you having a mate who through his lie, knows something which could get you into trouble in the future so you have to keep him sweet in a way? I'm sorry if I've got the completely wrong person.

    Like the others, it's hard to say when we don't know the issue. I guess it's going to become a case of dodging phonecalls until he gets the hint, something I have managed perfectly in the past. The person is now in my life again due to a change in circumstances (this is my friend whose husband died) so it doesn't have to be forever if things change. It sounds like this mate was someone you really liked so perhaps non-official culling is the way to go, leaving a chance to have open channels in the future. If the lie etc was too big and you don't ever actually want to see him again, I think you're just going to have to be pleasant but firm with him about not seeing/speaking to each other. I didn't see my friend for years and although we're not best friends like we used to be, we're speaking again and I've seen her a few times., which is nice.

    I hope you work it out. ?

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  • Missus Jolly
    Beginner October 2004
    Missus Jolly ·
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    I have an ex friend who I was very close to for years but committed a major crime of friendship. We haven't spoken properly for about nine years but emails me every now and then with requests to meet up. Like you for reasons too long and dull to go into I can't go for the out and out cull. So I always make my excuses and always make them pathetically transparent in the hope that it pees her off. She hasn't called this year. Touch wood.

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  • NickJ
    Beginner
    NickJ ·
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    View quoted message

    the lie was something pretty big, it was a total breach of his previous integrity. insecurity possibly, not sure. i am 100% sure about it.

    and no, its not hte only reason, yes, i ve moved on and he reminds me of a time i didnt like and was pretty unpleasant.

    and yes, its not like me at all, but he is an incredibly difficult and bull headed person. it would definitely cause more problems if i was direct, which is why i m not going to.

    mrsm, youre half right. he cant get me into trouble of any kind, but he could make life difficult if he chose to

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  • Peaches
    Super January 2012
    Peaches ·
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    I don't suppose caller ID is an option? You can then field his calls. Not that it solves anything ......

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  • MrsB
    MrsB ·
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    Unless it really really stresses you out to the point of feeling you can't cope with it, I'd go for enduring the 2-3 calls. Eventually I suspect even he will take the 'hint'.

    Otherwise the only option is to make up some other excuse not to see him, which is nigh on impossible. Or tell him that you just can't go there because of awful associated memories, which might sound a bit wet/cause trouble anyway to the extent that you may as well have culled him like a man, rather than a sap like me ?.

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  • Mrs Magic
    Beginner May 2007
    Mrs Magic ·
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    That was my main tool, it's very handy when you try to cull someone!

    I knew I vaguely remembered something you mentioning before Nick but wanted to give you the chance to say "no, that's not me". It certainly sounds like something on a colossal scale and I really would go down the avoidance and "sorry, my diary is full that week but perhaps next time" or "I'm not getting into Manchester much these days, it's work y'know?" route.

    He can't be an idiot in the sense he must get the picture that you are avoiding him at some point soon. I hope it works out for you. ?

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  • Kazmerelda
    Beginner August 2006
    Kazmerelda ·
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    Hrm if I am honest I would face the issue head on, and just tell them how I feel if it was that bad a situation (I am either calm or irate in these types of things).

    In the absence of this, I would agree with the others and ignore the calls. i won't go into it but I have "friends" from a bad time who tried to judge the situation and got it very wrong. In my situation I tried to understand but in all honesty I can't and will not get past that. I have avoided their calls and facebook messages and although I miss them in some ways I don't eant to go back to that time and who I was. This is me being calm hehe.

    I hope whatever decision you take is good for you at the end of the day....

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  • M
    Beginner
    Mrs JMP ·
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    For me I think it would depend of the circle this person came from. Had it been an ex work person, I think I would just ignore them. If after a few years you had not seen each other than that peron to me has moved out of your life circle & I feel in situations like those, you can't have an intimate friendship when you paths have parted. You can remain friends if regualar contact is maintained, but can't force a parted path back together - I don't see the connection link (IYGWIM)

    If this person was part of a problem within your private life & could cause a problem in your current life circle , firstly if you certain that there is no skeleton s(like you snorted coke out of a hooker arse & MrsN does not know) then to be honest I think I would ignore the calls. Does this person have all contact numbers for you?

    Throughout MrJMP's working life there has always been people who seem to be like velcro, they are always in contact & you seem to live in each others lives & the next minute it changes. I would say out of theclose contact he has with those in his field & has known for 20 years, only 4 are true friends. 2 of those I have known since I was at school & then worked with them.

    I hope whatever you decide to do it leaves you in peace.

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