AIBU? passive aggressive response to my comment...

I think she is being vile - but is she always vile? Not that you should have to put up with it, but presumably you knew what she was like before you decided to stay for a while? I think, in the short term, while you are there, you need to make peace. Maybe after you move out is the time to resolve things ongoing.

It sounds awful for you though

L
xx

I should have said it sounds like she is being vile, not she sounds vile. Sorry.

L
xx

? that's ok - i knew what you meant!

she is being vile. she's also just stopped cleaning the bathroom mid way through to furiously tidy the cupboard of the spare room (where i am) and apologised every time she walked past me.

she was hoovering earlier, despite the fact H hoovered yesterday evening before we went out. she's doing all this to Make A Point that nobody else is doing any housework (i know this because she shouted it at my dad at lunchtime. even though i've been doing the housework all week as iv'e been in the house all day and the least i can do is make sure the house is clean and tidy for when everyone gets home.)

gah. i know i should apologise to keep the peace. but i don't want to grovel, which is what she expects. an "i'm sorry" never cuts it.

My Mum can be like this sometimes.

I find if I actually call her up on her behaviour then she stops it.

Would it be worth asking her why she is behaving in such a manner? I find if I notice it out loud and say something, she has to either pull her head in and stop being such a bloody nightmare about everything, or find something else (which can actually be quite amusing in itself).

If she's into passive aggression - then be assertive. It tends to throw them.

? as she sounds like she has some serious issues. Hope you find somewhere to move out to soon!

Thanks HH (and lois)

i don't know if i can call her on it tbh. past experience shows it just ends in arguments, and i'd rather avoid it. i have done this before, and it ended up with it being my fault for saying something that hurt her - i ruined christmas before - i stayed out all night from a work party a week before christmas. i admit that that was bad behaviour, and mother took to her bed for the week before christmas, spoke to me on the day only until after the christmas pudding and went back to bed. i had to grovel on boxing day for ruining christmas FOREVER. it was only a matter of time before i went for the birthday/anniversary combo too you know ?

am thinking avoidance may be the best thing at the moment though. gah - am i being PA now too? ? i know, i just need to suck it up. will do shortly.

but ? both for replying. i'm searching for rental properties as i type ?

You absolutely MUST NOT apologise. Passive aggressive people thrive on that - it gives them vindication and repeats the cycle (ie they do it again because they know it works).

Every time she says something hurtful, simply say "ouch! that hurt/that was cruel" and leave the room.

If she's doing PA cleaning, say, "is there something wrong mum; you've been cleaning with attitude all morning and you seem upset?" If she says no, say "oh well then" and go out/leave.

Treat her like a manipulative child: ignore most bad behaviour (ie pick your battles), challenge unpleasant or hurtful or manipulative behaviour, and be the better woman by being assertive and pulling her up every single time she hurts YOU directly. It won't stop her being PA, but it will make a huge difference to the amount of time she is PA towards YOU and yours.

I feel your pain. sounds very much like my Dad as much as i love the old guy.

I don't know how you could take that one comment about rejecting you before you rejected her any other way than deeply hurtful.

I can't really suggest what to do I'm afraid because i would feel the same way as you, why should you apologise when you haven't done anything?

But then again would it be better to do so to just keep the peace?which i have done in the past.

Hopefully you won't be there for much longer though which is a bonus.

Good luck finding a new place.

I suppose telling her to grow up would be counter productive?

For the sake of peace until you move out I would either apologies (not that you need to) or just smile sweetly and ignore her behaviour, getting on with whatever you need to do.

What Rache said, with bells on! What awful behaviour. Can you go out for the afternoon? Then when you get back, act as though nothing is wrong and thank her for doing some cleaning - tell her the jhouse looks lovely.

You poor thing.

? everyone.

i went downstairs as we were having The Grand Cutting of the Birthday Cake. i asked if she wanted me to help with the housework ("There's no point now. SIGH.") and said that if she wanted me to do anything during the week, just let me know, i was more than happy to ("SIGH. Just do what you think needs done.").

i'm not apologising - i'm going to maturely ignore the atmosphere and act as normal. i'm away for the night so hopefully by the time i get back tomorrow, something else will have upset her and the atmosphere will have cleared somewhat.

? all. rache - v. good advice, that's certainly something i'll bear in mind and try to do in the future.

Exactly what rache said.

Sorry your mum seems to be so horrible to you. I know how you feel.

It sounds like a rotten situation, and as one who has been on the recieving end of a parents hurtful comments, i can understand why you are upset.

I also agree with Rache,

but just one thing, the housework thing, it bugs me when my husband asks me what needs doing, just see what needs doing and do it? (this is a bugbear of mine).

Hope you get your own place soon.

Rache is very very clever!

I think you have to accept that you can't change your mum but you can change how you respond to her jibes. ?

Your mum sounds like an extreme version of mine - I hate the PA cleaning and my dad getting it in the neck when it's nothing to do with him.

I did almost exactly what Rache advised about 4 years ago after she ruined my son's 1st birthday. It worked an absolute treat. Baring in mind I live 500 miles away from mine and have done for 12 years! I still have to do it occasionally but the episodes are few and far between, are considerably shorter.My little sis is now benefitting from seeing how well it works and doing the same thing. And I genuinely think my mum is happier too. Things get nipped in the bud without things festering and her having to climb down from a great height which she finda impossible to do.

I'd suggest you employ this tactic now rather than later, you'll be so much happier. ?

Ouch!....what an awful situation to be in. I agree totally with Rach and BWC. Her behaviour can be equated to an attention seeking child, and the rule there is never give them the attention from that behaviour, but as soon as they do something nice, lavish attention on them then. I know its hard as its very upsetting, but try not to confront her and ignore her behaviour with pleasantries as has been suggested, and don't let her see how much its hurting you as it seems that she is thriving on this.

After reading this i suddenly realise how lucky i am to have my batty old mum who's only crime is to forget and lose things

Ouch, poor you ?. Another member of the passive aggressive parents kleek here! I'm finding it's best to deal with it by taking comments at their face value, when it comes to things like "no don't bother, I'll do it all myself then [SIGH]" I'll smile cheerfully and say "well, the offer's there" then go and do something else.

Rache is right about not dancing to their tune, it's fatal.

I totally agree with Rache. My mum can be difficult, although nowhere near to the same degree as yours! She enjoys rowing (or 'debating' as she calls it), and would often stage these big dramatic scenes/arguments with me where things would just be way over the top, and then afterwards she would ignore me for days/weeks acting all wounded and hardly done by until I apologised. She doesn't 'do' apologising. All v weird, but after a while I realised that I was feeding the situations by the way I was reacting, as my brother never found himself in these big dramatic confrontations. She'd play on my sense of guilt more than my brother. So I started reacting differently.

If she tries to start a row I don't take the bait - I just change the subject, or make pleasant excuses, give her a big kiss & cuddle, tell her I love her lots, and go home. If she tries to guilt me into doing something I don't let myself be. For example she decided she wanted us all to go out for Christmas lunch to a restaurant this year. However I am expecting my 2nd child at the beginning of December, and as we will have a newborn at Christmas we want to stay at home as it'll be easier (we've invited any family, inc my parents, to come over too). Upon explaining this to my mum I got much sighing and 'oh well, I understand. If you're not going to come out though then we won't be coming to you for Christmas. We'll probably just go away instead and won't see you at all.' My response was 'ooh, a little holiday, that sounds lovely! Why not do that then - what a good idea' and then I changed the subject.

It has improved our relationship no-end. It's been over 4 years since the last big argument, and we're very close.

?

Sympathies from me too. My mum used to be like this before she split with my dad and then she discovered she had depression, is that a possibility?

I think you are a saint for putting up with her comments.

Hope it improves for you x

Somewhere there is a thesis waiting to be written: "Housework as a tool for the Passive Aggressive" Both my mum and MIL (and to an extent my H) exhibit this behaviour and I definitely agree with others who have said ignore the bad behaviour but praise the good unrelated behaviour - its hard for them to stay in a nark if you are praising them!

Good luck

Red

? all - i came back late last night and the atmosphere had gone and she was talking to me again. avoidance works! ?

but seriously, i think i'll try and follow the suggestions here re: breaking the cycle.

in terms of depression - i think it's possible that she's been depressed for a very long time. and i know this is going to sound completely unsympathetic and unreasonable, but i think that part of her likes it. it means that she always has a trump card. about 10 years ago, she was signed off work with work-related stress. she somehow managed to turn this around into being my fault, and used this as a reason for being hurtful to me - this is despite the fact that i was living a few hundred miles away at the time. even now, she alludes to the "years" of insensitivity and uncaring behaviour i have shown her.

with the housework - i do what i think needs done on a day to day basis. but unless i do exactly what she thinks needs done, i may as well do nothing. i still do it though - i know my dad appreciates not having to clean the toilet!

? again

She sounds very similar to my mum. I think mine has been depressed for years and years, as has my dad, but neither of them are willing to seek any help so [shrug]. Mum needs to micro manage everyone as well as being PA about things, so as you say there's no point even trying to do the housework or whatever because it'll be wrong and another cause for martyrdom. Hence the face-value tactic and just not playing.

Oh my word, it's like reading what my life would be like if I moved in with my parents. Seriously feel for you, TB and I hope you find your own place soon. I don't find I can speak to my mum about her behaiviour either and tbh have given up trying. It's bloody hard work though. ?