AIBU - updated

I'm afraid taht while I completely understand how you feel, I do think that if your H is upset, it should be his place to say so to is family, as and when he wants and not because you are upset that your birthday idea has been spolied - I know that won't have been your sole motivation, but it has been the trigger and I think that's unfortunate.

I dont really see how the fact they give the other siblings money gives you the right to ask then for money for a present.

plus, you have not told us the full circs of t he other siblings, and why they give them money. lets have the full story.

Oh how hard for you. It probably isn't the right thing to do, but I think i'd do the same (and actually, I pretty much did recently)

Its hard to see your partners family treating him like crap. i see it all the time with MrH and its heart breaking.

Tricky and difficult for you to watch your husband hurt, but i can only see that email causing more difficulties

Hmm I can understand why he may be upset, I have been in similar situation myself. Thing is your OH can hold his head up and say he is totally independent and manages just fine without being propped up by his parents. To me that is worth more than money.

It's a tough situation. I often complain about the actions of one of my parents - but I would hate for Mr L. to relate it to them. Despite having known me for 14 years, I don't think he or anyone could ever really get the dynamics of our family and I am sure the same applies to most other peoples relationships with their families.

Unfair though it may seem, it's their money to do with as they please. You shouldn't have sent that email, it could make things terribly awkward all round, especially for your H.

Honestly, it's not any of your business, it's an issue between your H and his parents and it was not your place to send an email about it.

I am often amazed at how many people seem to think that the "deserve" money of their parents. From what you wrote in your later post it sounds as though your ILs are supporting their children through university which seems reasonable to me.

It may make you angry / upset to see your H hurting but I think you were totally out of order.

I think the worst case is that it damages you H's relationship with them.

I'd feel so awkwrd if Mr L. had a 'word' with mya parents on my behalf.

Well whats done is done now. It might hopefully have a positive outcome and might get your OH talking to his parents about the favourtism.

In my siuation it wasn't so much the money but more the attention. My father gave a lot more of his time to my two step sisters and pulled a face if I asked him to do anything for me ie take me on a driving lesson etc. I came to the conclusion that he who shouts the loudest gets the most attention, and I wasn't prepared to fight for my fathers time, he should want to do things for me/with me. As it turns out my 2 step sisters are now adults and cannot fart without asking for help on how to do it, useless feckers.

I'm a bit pissed off with my Mum for the same-ish reason.

She considers me "financially irresponsible", yet I am the youngest of four kids, and the only one who doesn't owe her a penny.

My sister asked Mum for a loan for her H's business - got it.
My brother asked my Mum to put money into his house so they could afford to live somewhere in London - got it.
My other brother pulled the same stunt with his house in the US. Got the money.

I am a little pissed off and mentioned this to my Mum, as they all have large cash lump sums and I have... well... diddly squat.

Apparently because I have "married someone who will clearly make something of himself" and the others haven't, I am therefore less equal to any of my siblings, and she feels the need to throw cash at their problems.

We don't have loans, we don't have debts, we just have a mortgage. So quite why she considers me "financially irresponsible" I don't know.

While I think that yes, your H is unfortunate, I don't think that gives you the right to blackmail his 'rents into giving you cash for a present for him. I think it's totally out of order.

It's really hard to get a perspective here without asking you exactly what you asked them for.

If your email said, I know you normally ask what x wants for his birthday and this year I know he would love x so if you would like to chip in 20 quid, then that's one thing, but if you just came out with it and asked for 50 quid plus then that a whole different story.

Under the circumstance, I wouldn't have asked for a bean. I'm not saying that they are treating him fairly, but that's really for him to address.

Yes I'd be miffed as well. However as has been said I think it's up to him to stand up for himself iykwim.

? Although saying that if I was annoyed enough I probably would have done the same in my H's defence [:I]

I wouldnt have emailed them either, I'm sorry but like others have said, it's his family and his issue, I'd be mortified if a partner did this and I remember my ex threatening to do this to my Mum the other year. I'm the oldest and I do get treated differently, but I'm more secure than my younger siblings.

quote:Originally posted by Very Angry
Email was along the lines of, as you know H's birthday approaches and, as you know, he really really wants xxxx. I've found it and it costs xxx. Unfortunately this is a bit much for me alone, but I am going to put in xxx which is as much as I can afford, so would you mind going halves on the rest and we can get it from all of us.

The amounts are less than half of what the siblings get for their birthday presents, and less than a quarter of what they get every month.

Not that I think it matters, but what he wants is an educational course where he can get a qualification.

id="quote">

You keep going back to what the siblings get. It's not relevant. If you ask someone for a sum of money then whether they are millionaires or not it is their decision whether they feel comfortable with the amount.

Whilst I can understand everyone saying 'it's not your place', I would probably have done the same thing.

As I see it, all you did was pre-empt their annual 'what does he want for his birthday?' question. And the gift, whilst it may be a little extravagant (difficult to know from what you've said!), it doesn't sound like it's expensive in terms of what they usually spend.

'Telling on' one in-law to the other probably wasn't a great move, but its too late to worry now.

With the contribution offered, could you afford the gift?

I can understand why you're upset but I'm afraid I also think you've done the wrong thing (not saying that I wouldn't have done it in a rage too though!). I'm mostly confused as to why you've sent it to the other IL and not to the one who has caused the issue? I'm afraid I find that pretty outrageous and I think both ILs would be forgiven for being incredibly Pi*sed off.

I don't have issue with you asking for money for his birthday though and I hate it when siblings are treated differently. Wish I knew how to address this one as my own MIL has given my step daughter more for Easter (not sure why they got Easter presents anyway) than my 2 sons "purely because she might want to buy a book". Like you I think that I will say something at some point - just because she's my IL doesn't mean that she isn't now my family and that it isn't my place.

I don't really think it matters if you're right or wrong in what you have done. As long as your H is fine with it when he knows, that is really all that matters. Personally, I think it's better that it is now all out in the open. And good for you for fighting your husband's corner.

My opinion is also based on the fact that you seem a bit like me - you take so much and then you go in guns blazing and damn the consequences - you go girl!! ?

I hope it all works out
x

I get this from my parents with my sister getting everything. She gets paid through Uni (fair enough) messes around partying and fails and parents pay for another year (although told her they would not). she gets a good job and then decides she doesn't like working so gives up her job and moves back into her old bedroom in my parents massive, luxurious house. Does some temping and pays my parents no rent, gets free food, lifts etc and then goes off travelling when she has saved her pennies. She is nearly 26 and I find it sticks in my throat when h and I work our arses off for everything we have with no assistance. However I try and keep my mouth shut and feel relatively good that I have made something of my life and that my parents are proud of me. I'd rather be me than her any day of the week even if it means I don't get a free ride.

So yes I would probably do what you did and think you have done well to keep quiet this long.

I feel your pain and know how maddening it is to see your H treated differently. (My SIL has always been the favoured child and for example, for Christmas she got a fridge freezer and a grand whereas H got 5 pairs of socks.?She earns less so the theory goes that she 'deserves' more. It's not about the money of course, it's about the huge bloody insult.)

Anyway, you're not unreasonable. But in your place, I wouldn't have written the email. In fact I'd rather cut my tongue out than ask for money, even if we didn't have a pot to piss in. Best of luck.

Thanks all for your comments and replies, both positive and negative. It has given me food for thought. I have deleted most of my responses as I am feeling uncomfortable about the level of personal info.

Eleda - I didn't see it as asking for money, just pointing them towards a birthday gift which I do every year. Also, it is a very sensible gift (i.e. an educational course) and as they are putting x through university I thought they would jump at it. It was the response of, we can't spend much on your H's birthday as we've spent too much on x and y, which upset me. I guess I always thought all siblings are created equal.

quote:Originally posted by Very Angry
Thanks all for your comments and replies, both positive and negative. It has given me food for thought. I have deleted most of my responses as I am feeling uncomfortable about the level of personal info.

Eleda - I didn't see it as asking for money, just pointing them towards a birthday gift which I do every year. Also, it is a very sensible gift (i.e. an educational course) and as they are putting x through university I thought they would jump at it. It was the response of, we can't spend much on your H's birthday as we've spent too much on x and y, which upset me. I guess I always thought all siblings are created equal.

id="quote">

I see what you mean. But now you know this, and how they've reacted, all you can do is decide not to do next. Personally I wouldn't take another thing off them, or give them anything, to remove finances as the currency of the relationship. I think it'd be quite satisfying to tell them to keep their gifts, and give them to the siblings. ?Perhaps only by highlighting how awful they're being, they might see where you're coming from.
(I got SIL in a tight corner with her and had a word about the MIL crapness and at least she acknowledged it was unfair.)
Fuck 'em.?

Very Angry,

I think there comes a time when you have to forget what the others get on birthdays and on a month-by-month basis, if only for your own sanity. Be proud of the fact you stand on your own two feet, don't help them out with birthday present ideas and have no expectations of them. Learn to expect nowt and then you can't be disappointed. Take a step back, live your lives and don't let it eat you up. As, Eleda I think, said - do you really want to be like them and expect it. Be proud that you're not like them. I understand your anger as it isn't exactly anything frivolous you're asking for.

To be honest - I think I'd now email them both and tell them not to bother. What H hasn't had, his heart can't grieve over. Get him something small and explain that you'd like to save a bit each month for his course.

Yep - feel angry but you can't change it so don't let it get to you.

xx

Thanks Eleda.

I was thinking of just buying the course on my own, but I thought that's just me having a hissy fit They have, at least, offered something.

I am awaiting the other in-law's email with interest, although H has just mentioned they are away so I may be waiting a few weeks. ?

quote:Originally posted by Eleda

quote:Originally posted by Very Angry
Thanks all for your comments and replies, both positive and negative. It has given me food for thought. I have deleted most of my responses as I am feeling uncomfortable about the level of personal info.

Eleda - I didn't see it as asking for money, just pointing them towards a birthday gift which I do every year. Also, it is a very sensible gift (i.e. an educational course) and as they are putting x through university I thought they would jump at it. It was the response of, we can't spend much on your H's birthday as we've spent too much on x and y, which upset me. I guess I always thought all siblings are created equal.

id="quote">

I see what you mean. But now you know this, and how they've reacted, all you can do is decide not to do next. Personally I wouldn't take another thing off them, or give them anything, to remove finances as the currency of the relationship. I think it'd be quite satisfying to tell them to keep their gifts, and give them to the siblings. ?Perhaps only by highlighting how awful they're being, they might see where you're coming from.
(I got SIL in a tight corner with her and had a word about the MIL crapness and at least she acknowledged it was unfair.)
Fuck 'em.?

id="quote">

Put so much better - totally agree with this. As a 39 year old with mad parents and dynamics (which took me years to accept)- this is great advice.
x

Fred&Ginger - We had already moved on, but it doesn't mean that H doesn't get hurt thinking he is third best. We generally ignore it though.

This has only kicked off today owing to the email I received (which even listed amounts paid to the siblings over the past few months as proof?). It's just brought all the bad stuff to the fore.

I should have said to Eleda, we can't remove finances from the relationship, as it is already not there. H doesn't get anything from his parents, other than as gifts on special occasions. However I shall never get involved in birthday/xmas discussion again.

quote:Originally posted by Very Angry
Fred&Ginger - We had already moved on, but it doesn't mean that H doesn't get hurt thinking he is third best. We generally ignore it though.

This has only kicked off today owing to the email I received (which even listed amounts paid to the siblings over the past few months as proof?). It's just brought all the bad stuff to the fore.

I should have said to Eleda, we can't remove finances from the relationship, as it is already not there. H doesn't get anything from his parents, other than as gifts on special occasionsid="red">. However I shall never get involved in birthday/xmas discussion again.

id="quote">


I hope you are going to return them in future, politely, firmly and very publicly!?

Eleda - No, but only because I HONESTLY think this will stay between myself and the in-laws. I really don't want him to know so explicitly that one of his parents very blatantly puts him behind the others.

quote:Originally posted by Mrs Jess
HaloHoney - you've said yourself, on here, that you're financially crap to the point that you can't trust yourself with a credit card... id="red">

Very Angry, it's obviously hard if not impossible for anyone on here to say whether or not you've done the right thing as you can't really say the whole story.

Families are complicated and it sounds to me like yours/your in-laws is particularly so.

I don;t necessarily agree with everyone saying it's not your place and it's not relevant how the siblings are treated. When you marry someone, some things become your business. And sometimes it is relevant how siblings/other people are treated.

Anyhow. I very much hope that you're able to resolve things, it all sounds very difficult.

And I might well email my H's parents if there was something I knew he particularly wanted that I couldn't afford by myself, and I don't think that's especially weird/unusual.

id="quote">

Yes, but in not having one, I therefore don't have a problem...

Very Angry, you have my sympathies! It has broken my heart recently to see my H treated so differently from him sister, and although I can understand or at least see the reasons why, it doesn't make them anymore sensible or true!

One lesson I've learned is just to stay out of it. I've barely even expressed the whole of my anger or opinions to my H and rather encouraged him to speak to his parents rather than ignore them after a fight. oh, and also refused any help they were eventually going to offer. Its made me feel better.

Its difficult though, I'm one of three, and although my parents obviously have some failings, they've never never made any of unequal in the treatment we've recieved, and for that I am truely grateful! But that makes it difficult looking in on H's family.