Am I asking too much? I can't believe this

You are not a failure so don't say that. I don't really know what to say about your H. Does he have any interests (apart from watching tv) that you can join in with? Also now he knows how much a holiday means to you is he willing to book one? I get that you would like to spend more 'quality' time with him but could you do with a break on your own for a bit? You seem to take so much on, a break (with or without your H) would do you good. I'll go with you if no-one else is free.

? No, of course you are not asking too much.

I'm trying to look at this from a different perspective, though. Why is he being like this? Has he always been like this? It sounds to me like he is placing unrealistic expectations on himself and then completely knackering himself trying to achieve the impossible, and ending up thinking that he (and therefore by extension you) doesn't desrve there to be anything in your life apart from work.

Does he know that this is threatening your marriage?

He likes faffing around on t'internet. Photography used to be ahobby, now it's a business I feel he doesn't like it any more. He took photos on holiday that I don't think he has looked at - that was early June. he doesn't really seem to have any hobbie,s he is happy to potter.
Thing is, we rarely go out, I feel like everything is driven by me. I love going to the cinema, he can't be bothered so much and the times I am available my friends are at work. It's like we have geared our lives up to be together, and we do feck all.

I am not sure ref booking a holiday. I mean, I know where I want to go - he doesn't. But nor will he think of somewhere else/give a toss if we go away at all. Some of it's whether we will ahve the money, some of it is that I seem to have to drive everything to happen.

You're not asking too much no. Probably way off the mark but he's not depressed or anything is he? Don't know what else to suggest other than choosing more stuff to do together (wine tasting/archery/god knows) but if he's just going to not do them than not sure if anything is going to float his boat?

Firstly - ?

Secondly - you are not a failure.

He sounds generally apathetic about everything - is it possible that he has been just as stressed as you have with both businesses, but handles it in a very different way? I know when I was at my most depressed i was apathetic about eveything, everything was too much hassle, all I wanted to do was stay in and watch TV, despite normally lving going out and doing things.

It might take a while to get back on an even keel now you are down to just one business. Don't give up on him yet!

You're not remotely a failure ?

When you talk about doing things together, do you mean something definite (like dance classes) or do you just mean hanging out. I don't do things with my husband in the former way but we do spend a lot of time just hanging around together, eg reading the paper, doing the crossword, I cook while he repots seedlings at the kitchen table etc (sad snapshot of our life, I know ? I'm just trying to get a measure of what you mean by not doing things together).

I know you don't like them but can i send you a ?? don't know what to suggest - apart from a slap for him - but does he realise how bad it is?

he has always been a little bit, single person minded, if you can understand that. But it has got worse, in that he used to suggest things or appear to want to do stuff. now there's really nothing. We are in an absolutely dire financial situation, although we are workig our way out of it, so it is all very stressful - a lot of that should be eased by the business sale. He isn't working at quite the frantic pace of me because that all distracts him, mentally, where it focuses me.

he should know it is threatening our marriage as I said today 'this is the kind of thing that kills marriages'. Or is that too ambiguous?

Gosh, I really feel for you. Some of our problems are similar. We ended up doing things together but then we were still apart or trying to be I think (and it was more things he wanted to do/people he wanted to be with than me). We are trying to work things out but my current tear hair out issue is the big one of communication. He doesn't like to talk about things and doesn't seem to feel the need to try to do it for my sake/our sake/for the fact I feel like I do my best to do things for him so having something back would be nice.

I'm going to relate and it really is helping to speak to someone else on the outside and I think H will be joining me sometime soon hopefully. Would it help do you think?

We don't really ever just hang out, tbh, although i meant specific things. Our lives are driven around work 5 days a week, and MIL and her shopping/dog the other two. We get veyr little chill out time. I have pointed out it is entirely doable for us to organise ourselves better so that we DO get to relax. I get a shrug. It would have to be down to me. But, I am really bossy, naturally, I am trying not to organise every little area 'we'll do x on Monday, so that on Friday we have 2 hours free time'. It seems mental to have to think things through on someone else's behalf to that degree.

I might not mind pottering/relaxing at home together if we went out/did something, sometime, had the appearance of any kind of shared interest or common ground

I think you need to spell it out in very plain language how much this is upsetting you and that you're thinking in terms of marriage failure, not just being a bit bored.

When my H gets like this (he often does things for himself, whereas I tend to think of doing things together or as a family), I tend just to get on and do what I want, otherwise I feel horribly cheated. If I didn't book holidays for us as a family, he would just do things on his own (he already goes ski-ing every year on his own, and has just spent a few days away learning how to sail - but in doing so, it keeps him happy, and more energised to do things as a family once he's got his "singleness" out of his system).

Maybe I could get on and do things I want to. tbh though, if I have a dream while i don't expect my H to share it, I expect him to support it. So if I have a dream destination, maybe it's not HIS dream destination, but so what? Would it kill him to go anyway?

Say he had a dream, like, oh, setting up a photography studio. I would support him, help him, because I would want him to be happy.

If we have nothing happening together, and I am off doing my own thing, he is off doing hi, then I am not sure I get the point of being together. At some point we are just two people who work together and share a house. I have said this today.

.

There's the key thing - it's ok to do things separately if it makes you both happy, but if it's not (which clearly it isn't), then something's got to change.

It does sound as though he's completely knackered by life at the moment, and actually probably needs a proper holiday (as do you).

I don't think you're asking too much and I don't think you're a failure; I need a lot more from life than work and watching TV and caring for MIL.

But if your H doesn't want more from life than this for himself and isn't willing to do more to please you, then you are in a difficult situation.

I think you need to be absolutely straight with him - no off cuff comments about things like this end marriages but just sit down and tell him that you aren't willing to live like this perpetually, that you need more to make you happy and ( if it's true), that you'll do whatever it takes to make you happy in the long-term be it with or without him.

?

This is really key I think. I said the exact same thing. We do both go off and do our own things (I write, he's in a band) but we have now made a point of finding middle ground somewhere and spend some time in the day to talk about what we've been up to then stop and do something together. That way there's no imbalance in terms of one seeming disinterested in the others projects and we don't feel like flatmates with feck all else to talk about.

x

I would get on and do the stuff you want to do with or without him. He may surprise you and buck his ideas up if you're out and about having fun. He might not but either way you won't be sitting around resenting doing nothing.

Zeb, it wasn't an off the cuff remark, it was part of a wider 'look, we genuinely need to sort this out' discussion. Which obviously wasn't important enough for him to stay awake for.

I realise he may be depressed, I have suggested this to him. He thinks that selling the business is the magic switch that fixes everything.

I get what you're saying but I can't see my family/firends and do stuff with them because my days off of Monday and Friday aren't that compatible with their weekends. I am not in a position to take weekends off on any regular basis, these are the days we make money. I feel like I have completely boxed myself in trying to do the right thing and, in fact, totally fecked everythig up.

If this marriage fails i will have no income, no assets, nothing. Yay me and the great life choices.

Hmmm, its a matter of what you're happy with, and clearly you're not happy.

I like doing my own thing - H does landrovers, I used to dance. None of us like the other activity. I actually like watching television alot - and i'm fed up of being ashamed to admoit that - so no more! I do other stuff whilst watching as well like beading. If i want to do something else i do it by myself.

But for you, its clear you need to do something more together - but there doesn't seem to be a joint activity. Is there no way you'd be content with just general pottering around in the same place?

This is a good bit of advice. I resented MrSun for having a life after we had a daughter. Instead of trying to stop him having his life I went and got myself one. We don't do many activities together, we can't easily with a child but we spend a lot of time together, just shopping, out for a drive, going places etc.

As for holidays, my goodness I don't think I could manage without something to look forward to, even if it's just a short break, it makes working so much easier.

What attracted you to each other in the first place? You must have had some common interests, things you would do together? Would marriage guidance be an option?

You can join clubs and classes on your own on weekdays. You can go to college/evening classes etc. You can meet people for lunch from their work place on weekdays then spend the rest of the afternoon exploring the area they work. Isn't there walking as well as running groups about? In fact there is, I just googled and found a ramblers group near you. Go on holiday by yourself. It might not be ideal but it will be better than feeling like your life is running away with you. I speak from experience. Feel free to mail or FB me if you want.

Ouch, I misunderstood - I think I'd have smacked him awake at that point, you're nicer than me!

The business selling is almost over, right? I think I'd see how he reacts to that, if anything changes, and then re-start the conversation if nothing does.

The problem with these sorts of issues is that it's totally different for everyone. For instance, H and I share every little in common when it comes to hobbies and social life. My H would be happy to never see another person again and I love going out. H loves the outdoors, camping, walking etc and whilst I don't mind it it's not my idea of fun and I also have the issue of a really bad grass allergy. H can't fly and I'd love to see more of the world, so you can imagine that we do a lot of things separately. This really doesn't bother either of us in the slightest and (this is very much my opinion) I think it's unrealistic to share the same interests. I also don't like the idea of making H do anything that he really doesn't want to do, there's no point as he'll just be miserable.

I do get that you need to do some things together and w do go out at least once a week either for dinner or to the movies. We also walk the dogs each evening together.

This may sound really stupid but H and I operate a "veto" system. We each have 7 vetos a year and they can be used however the person chooses. So H mostly uses his for weddings, parties etc and I use mine on seeing the MIL. This works for us and when the vetos have run out we have to suck it up and go along. Would something like that work for you? I also at this point suggest the "grump hat" ?

I think for your sanity you need to start doing a lot more things on your own and don't wait around for you OH to want to do things. I know how hard you both work and also what a nightmare year you've had and I think that will take it's toll. I have to take control of pretty much everything when it comes to time management so maybe you also need to do the same. I think you are in danger that if you don't control the time from the off set the extra time you've gained will just get swallowed up and disappear! I know from previous posts you always had a Friday off and it sounded like you did good stuff, what's happened with that?

If this trip is really important then you need to speak to him again, find out what the problems are and if he really doesn't want to go, go with a friend. I'd leave it for now and wait until the business is sold and then chat to him again. Before you do this you need to be very clear and what you want and the things you want to be doing. There has to be a common ground, I'm sure.

I realise this is gong to make me sound horrendous, but quite honestly I don't want to go out, joining clubs, meeting new people. It is my idea of hell. I meet people all day, every day in my working life, sometimes I am sick of them, lol.

I have another issue, and I know it is mine, but if I organise going off to do things, H will work. I will then feel guilty that iwas 'having fun' and he was working, like I have made him do it. Argh, I think I am going mad. Pooch, I would live in the fecking grumpy hat. the other thing is, I don't want to have sex with someone I don't feel remotely connected with. I would have thought that at least THIS would get him interested, but I don't think he connects lack of sex with any other problem.

I would have no problem doing stuff separately if there was anything going on together.

I am lying, obviously - we do have our Mondays and Fridays still. We take MIL shopping or get her shopping, spend time with her and walk her dog (I usually do the dog walk bit as H doesn't enjoy it)

You definitely aren't asking too much. ?

I don't know what to suggest but I just wanted to say you are very lovely and certainly aren't a failure. ?

Ok, so here is the problem. Your leisure time is spent running around after someone else. I know she's just had a n op, so is this a short term thing? By shopping do you mean supermarket? If so, arrange to get it delivered and take that pressure off yourselves. Can't she hire a dog walker, although if you are walking your dogs anyway I guess it's not so bad.

Has your H always been like this?

This has been the prpblem for months, pooch. First MIL was awaiting op, so needed help. Now that she's had the op, there is a long recovery period. So this has been going on since the end of March I think so far. We are discussing that when we don't have t'other business, we can do her shopping on different days, and generally spend time with her, without the whole day being taken up popping in for shopping list, having cup of tea, doing the shopping, taking it back and unpacking it and having cup of tea etc

I am trying to think of a way round it that doesn't sound like we're trying to avoid helping/spending time with her

Do her shopping on internet and go and help her unpack only (obviously spending a little bit of time with her then)?

I had very similar problems but since I stopped hanging round the house waiting for the OH to suggest or agree to do something and got on with it myself we're both a lot happier and do far more together. What's worse, the thought of having to talk to/hang round with new people or the thought of moping around your house doing nothing?

I am sure I can find things to occupy me that don't require pther people, if I try hard enough! It's just that I do resent not being able to see my family, when i seem to spend so much time with H's. Which is mean because MIL only has us.
I will see what things are like when we have more time, post business.

Can you visit your family on Sunday evenings and leave on Monday mornings? Or visit them for lunch on mon or fri?

Running is a good thing to do by yourself. Gives you time to think and makes you fit and happy and confident ...

My parents both work so i can't see them Mon/Fri. I work until 5ish on Sundays and then would have to drive 1 1/2 hours to mum (2 1/2 + hours to dad) , who would then be getting up at 5am on Monday...it;s not practical really.

My mum is taking a day off to come out for a meal with me just before my birthday. I need to arrange more stuff like this and now expect H to want to do anything. I also need to find a way to get rid of the guilt if he then works while i am doing something else