Am I being completely unreasonable?

Hmmm, tough one. Traditionally the bride's parents pay for everything, but it's not unreasonable for the groom's parents to be asked to contribute in these new-fangled modern times! ? My H's parents contributed to ours, but my parents gave us three times what his parents gave us. We didn't think this unfair in any way - we were just grateful that they both felt they could help us. I don't think you can reasonably dictate what she contributes. It's fair enough for you to say, "We need £x, please let us know if this is possible," but I would say you are being unreasonable if you are expecting her to give the same amount as your parents. Regardless of how much money you think she has (and having 15 flats means a lot of it will be tied up, not available for spending), it is up to her how much she feels able to give you. Be grateful for anything she gives you and remember that the wedding day isn't about all the money you spend - it's about saying, "I do" and meaning it.

Money is so hard to talk about- espescially with families!!

tbh i think that if you have decided to get married, then its down to you!! obviously if parents from either side want to help out- then thats a bonus!

even if you go down the traditional route- its brides parents that would pay.

sorry if sounds a bit harsh, but thats what i think! we decided to get married, budgetted it ourselves then booked. both sets of parents have since offered to pay for certain aspects of the event so we see this as a "bonus" the savings this means that we can up the budget in other areas (but we had budgetted for) ie Honeymoon, we can now look at going a bit sooner after the wedding and a bit further afield!

hth

Thanks for being honest with me! ?

I know you are right and that I shouldn't expect it and that it is up to them how they spend their money but I still can't help feeling that if she can wants to give him a £25,000 present then why wouldn't she want to contribute a fifth of that amount for his wedding? I know you are right, though.

I would be happy marrying H2B anywhere and I don't really mind if it is our 'dream' wedding day or not, I just wish she'd let us know an exact figure rather than dancing around the issue! ?

We didn't expect anything from either set of parents , they both contributed , H's parents more than mine , i never thought or expected either set of parents to give as the others did.

I think it's the expecting her to give the same thats a little unreasonable imho , regardless of her money.

I know you need to know how much but if you don't expect anythings a bonus.

I think Melancholie is right in that there are two sides to this firstly it is acceptable to ask for a certain amount of money if thats what you need but sometimes its better to expect nothing and anything on top of that is a bonus.

Although dream weddings cost money, whatever your big day includes and how ever much you spend its guarateed that your wedding day will be the best day of your life.

I know its stressful but it will come together in the end.

Ok i've rewritten this post about two times already - tbh you do sound like you are expecting your MIL to subsidise your wedding, and in turn, sound a bit like a spoilt brat (your words). by the sounds of things your MIL does sound like she might be able to contribute more, but why should she have to contribute anything at all?

i am very lucky in that my parents are contributing a massive amount towards my wedding, and my FIL2b has also contributed some money. but we never expected anything from either of them as it was *our* decision to get married, and not theirs. if we had been the only people paying it would be a very different affair, but that's what would have happened. but we also would never ever have said to them "we plan to get married here, and if you don't pay up, we won't be able to have this wedding' cos if i'm honest, that sounds like emotional blackmail. maybe you need to rethink where you get married/your budget?

sorry to be harsh - i know it's not what you want to hear.

Thank you all so much. Honestly, thanks for all your opinions, I really appreciate being able to come here and bounce ideas around without being judged (well, not too much)! ?

I've just had a phone call from H2B and it looks like we're not able to have our 'dream' wedding so to plan B I guess! I just needed someone to remind me that it's all about us saying that we'll be together forever and nothing else.

Hi there,

I agree with Bluewater, and I do think you are acting a little out of turn.

As everyone else has said it is your choice to get married. When I told my parents they immediately said we will contribute £x amount towards the wedding and you can use it for what you want. We have found a lovely venue but I ruled it out initally on cost - but they came back to me with a cheaper package - and my MIL is contributing a little to help.

At the end of the day I don't think you should have started booking your venue until you knew exactly how much ££ you would have - as otherwise where do you start! It is awkward, speshly when you have an idea of how much someone has, but it is their choice as to how to spend it. And she may be thinking of contributing elsewhere.

Perhaps you will have to rethink your venue and as someone else said, wherever you get married, that'll be right for you.

SG

Sorry, I hadn't seen your message when I replied. I never said 'we plan to get married here and if you don't pay up then we can't'! I'm not a monster! I have loads more I could say but I'll leave it at that, thanks for your response.

Oh, and my MIL2B had already said she'd contribute the same as my parents and is now backtracking so we didn't book anything before we knew what our budget was!

Ahhh you didn't say that in your original post! Where are you looking to get married anyway - perhaps some of the Hitched ladies can help you find a venue?

ah see that's a completely different matter. i *would* be pi55ed off if that was the case.

Ah, sorry, you're right I didn't say that in the original post (thought I had, sorry)! Yeah, when I told her how much my parents had offered us, she said that they would also like to help and 'it may well end up being the same amount as your parents' were her exact words. So she didn't exactly say that she'd pay the same, but she inferred that they'd pay at least close to that amount. Now she's saying she's not happy about it!

Sorry, I tend to type just how the thoughts come into my head so my posts are a bit all over the place (dunno what that says about me, lol). My first post sounds like I'm pissed off that she won't pay up when in fact I'm pissed off that she won't pay up what she suggested she would.

But bugger her, I'm still going to marry her son (the paranoid part of my brain thinks this is all because she doesn't like me and doesn't want me to marry her son)!

I'm not sure yet, just waiting for H2B to get in from work so we can discuss it. To be honest, I don't want to wait any longer than we have so we may just have to sacrifice our 'ideal' venue. I just want to marry Kenny at the end of the day so if it's a question of which is more important: having the perfect wedding but waiting 4 years or getting married in 2010 then I'd pick 2010! But will have to wait and see what H2B's thoughts are!

I would be pissed off too actually - I don't think you're being unreasonable then if she implied she'd match your parents contribution.

As Tinkerbelle said - what are you going to do?

Don't worry MIL's are notoriously difficult, the only time I've EVER argued with mine is over the wedding, and she's lovely normally.

It would have been helpful to put that in your original post.

Regardless, yes I do think you are being a touch unreasonable. Particularly when you say she own 15 flats and is therefore minted. I don't think you can make that kind of assumption given the current climate. Whether she bought her son a £25k watch is neither here nor there, if she doesn't want to or simply can't afford to contribute then then that's her choice.

Regarding the venue you've seen, is there anything you can do to bring costs down if you've set your heart on it? Perhaps cutting your numbers or having a late ceremony and then a straight into a buffet rather than a sit down meal?

Hmm its a tough and sensitive subject, if MIL2BE is going back on her word, then no wonder you are p****d off.

My parents are going halves with us, no word from inlaw's, thats the way we planned it, so any contribution would be a bonus to us.

I agree with weddings causing all sorts of probelms, it seems to bring out the best and worst in people in my opinion!!

CountDuckula- Yeah, my first post was just an angry rant at my MIL2B to be honest! ? I am sorry that I didn't explain myself very well!

Those are good suggestions, thanks, I will think about ways to possibly reduce the cost!

Well, it's annoying, but better now than later. My cousin's MIL promised them £10k towards their wedding, an equal amount to my aunt & uncle. My aunt & uncle paid all the deposits, but then with a month to go when it came time to pay the balance on everything her MIL backtracked and refused to give them anything. My cousin and her now husband ended up having to take out a £10k loan.

Actually, just a thought, but if the wedding of your dreams means so much to you and MIL2B won't contribute, why don't you sell the £25k watch?

I thought the same thing Mel, sell the watch.

Regardless of who is paying for what, people are very lucky when they can get contributions. We are paying for everything ourelves, (like many here) bar the dress, which my mums kindly paying for and I have to keep that a secret so I dont upset my father or OH's parents.... I darent have asked for anyone to contribute.

hope you work something out jen.

That's fine, you can think I'm being unreasonable if you want! I don't think you've been properly reading my posts, though. I have said numerous times that we will have to adapt our wedding now so we are trying to tailor it to our budget (as you suggest).

Again, you are right- it is absolutely not my right to have her money, but I feel it is my right to be pissed off if I want to when she promised an amount of money, we fell in love with a place off the back of that, and now she's refusing to give us anything.

Haha, I wish he would sell the bloody watch but it's his pride and joy!

And having the 'perfect' wedding is not as important to us as I seem to have led you to believe. Like I said, I want to marry him. I don't care where or how, I just want to be his wife.

Clear enough for ya yet?

I've mentioned it over three times throughout the whole thread.

Please don't resort to name calling, I never lowered it to that level.

I have to say I agree with lp on this one. We paid for our wedding ourselves. Every last penny (bar the odd donation of £100 quid from each of H's parents, which was lovely as they really can't afford it).

My parents were absolutely nothing but trouble when it came to our wedding, and didn't help out at all (unless you call insulting/critisizing/patronising every single thing about it helpful). Although the fact that they didn't contribute financially wasn't the problem, it was all the other stuff. I never once expected them to help out or contribute, and tbh, I'm glad they didn't. They pressured us enough about doing things their way (which we ignored ?), so i can only imagine what they'd have been like if they'd have been throwing cash around too! And as lp said, it was sooooo satisfying seeing everyone enjoying themselves and hearing all the lovely comments people had about the day, especially as it had all been down to H and I.

The point is, i suppose, whats more important to you? The money to get married, or the fact that you're getting married in the first place? Maybe it is a harsh way of looking at it, but thats what it boils down to, isn't it? Besides, the way i see it, it isn't the best idea to theoretically spend money which isn't physically available to you. whether it was promised/implied to you or not, you can't rely on it being there.

Sorry if I've offended.

Why are you being a cow to someone you don't know and have never met over the internet? Seriously, what are you getting out of this?

My first post I was angry and it was an unfair rant (which I've said numerous times). So stop being judgemental about my relationship when you know sweet FA about me.

I think perhaps Jen has got our point - that she was being unreasonable and not to spend money before you've got it.

We've all had rants about our MIL's too.

I'm not sure how the name calling is really helpful here so why bother?

maybe she's run out of money? have you considered that? how long ago was this gift?

sorry just so you can read it...

maybe she's run out of money? have you considered that? how long ago was this gift?

a lot of people are fretting about the recession maybe she offered without thinking?