Am I being selfish?

I have had a similar thing happen to me. Friends who were engaged for a while but didn't make any wedding plans at all until I got engaged. They now seem intent on turning everything into a competition! They have said things to me like they are getting married the day before us!

At first it made me angry but after a while I thought about it and decided that our wedding will be ours and their wedding will be theirs. I want the experience of planning our wedding to be fun (we are on a budget and paying for everything ourselves too) and I won't let petty and childish people ruin that for me. At the end of the day it boils down to jealousy and I pity them more than anything.

Don't feel bad about not having everything expensive. If she wants to try and outdo you then let her get on with it. At least on your wedding day everything will be your own and not as a result of trying to outshine someone else.

Good luck x

I had something similar happen to me last year. My friends got engaged in July 2010, and were planning their wedding for July 2012.

Literally 3 or 4 days after I told him that we would be engaged soon (Nov 2010) and were planning to marry in May 2012 (plenty of time apart I thought, and we have different styles and budgets), they said that they'd changed their minds and were doing it in July 2011. Then started the battle of the weddings, with me being told exactly how much everything was costing, and having stupid FB statuses whenever I posted anything (I put a "year to go" status and my friend's (now) wife put "in 2 days it'll be x weeks to go!" one). All very petty.

They had a lovely wedding, and although they spent over double our budget, it was no better than how ours will be (or vice versa) as theirs was perfectly suited to them and ours to us. Their wedding had a classic, formal style, whereas ours is going to be relaxed, country garden.

PS I might giggle a bit when my friend tells me that he's still paying for the wedding 6 months on, and I have all of my wedding savings in my account now!

Does it really matter?

Some people have more money to spend on their wedding/house/car/holidays. That's life.

Focus on YOUR big day.

Honestly, just ignore them.

Your wedding is going to be lovely and special. You don't have to spend buckets of money on a wedding celebration just because its got the word wedding in it! Feel proud that you're paying for it yourself, its an achievement.

Personally I thinkt hat the weddings where people have thrown money at it to get all the .must hav' things can seem all singing and all dancing and amazing - but actually they lack personality, the best weddings I have been to are the ones that just perfectly represent the couple - you can see them in the decisions they made about the day.

I get why its hard to ignore - I find myself refusing to tell people about things we have chosen to retain the 'wow' factor of things being a surprise, don't like the idea of people 'stealing' my ideas (althogh I am sure they have almost all been done before!). Weddings just make us slightly crazy!!

And please don't gloat too much about having all your savings already - I am feeling a little anxious as we will probably be paying for ours (and honeymoon) for a year after the wedding - in parth that was to make it so we could have all thepeople we really wanted around us, and in part so we could have a honeymoon straight after, and in part because we bought and started renovating a house a few months after we got enagaged and ended up spending some of our wedding fund to make it habitable in time for when our rental lease ran out!

Just enjoy your planning, knowing how personal your day will be because you have thought through every decision and put so much more of yourselves than money into it!

Sorry if it came across that it is about the money - thats not it at all! I am really looking forward to what is going to be MY perfect day with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with! it is purely that she told me starting with 'i'm not trying to steal you thunder... but'

i wouldn't usually let things like that upset me but i know it is something she does a lot - i thought this time she would be different.

i dont want it to ruin our friendship but i am finding it difficult!

its good to know she isnt the only person doing something like this and im sure i only feel this way because it is quite fresh.

I completely understand where you are coming from. But try not to worry - your friends wedding will be how they want it and yous how you want it

Having lots of money doesn't mean their wedding will be better than yours

S x

Oh no, I didn't mean it that way either! just I know that sometimes when you see people doing a similar endeavour to you but they can just go buy x y and z fabulous things (the designer dress, the swanky venue etc etc) that it can seem disheartening - but in my mind the more thought out and usually more budget weddings just speak more to me!!

Think of it like this:

yes she is spoilt & has ma & pa to throw money at her...but does that make her a better person!?!

in my opinion no, and by effectivly rubbing your face in it that just shows shes not a better person.

if i were you i would pity her sad existance because she will lose sight of whats important (shes marrying the man of her dreams) and it will be more about "oh well i've got this over on sophiaamy". thats not a nice way of living.

your wedding will be beautiful, personal & everything you & your OH want

I definately understand where your coming from, i woul definately be the same! It seems she's doing it out of pure jealousy, but let her get on with it, your weddings first which she probably isn't happy about!

Its your day, about you two, no one else xx

Sorry DM, I didn't mean to be gloating. It's just that my friend and I have similar salaries, but have gone about our weddings in different ways. He spent about £25,000 for wedding and HM when his budget was £20,000, which is fair enough, but during his planning he kept telling me how much he was spending and was shocked that I wasn't doing the same. He also said when talking about someone else's day that £15,000 is a small budget, when we're not even spending that. I was made to feel pants about my "lack of budget" for over 6 months.

I have worked hard to save money for over a year and am pleased that we've got what we need now, so any extra savings is a bonus. We're hopefully moving house this year and are saving for a deposit too, so have decided to cut a few things from the budget and aren't having a big HM until 2013 (hopefully!)

Try to ignore her, she probably boasting and trying to out do cos shes jelous of your relationship! hers might be crap...

Ohh I work with someone who was enganed (now not) and all I get it christ you doing wedding crap AGAIN! How boring! Dont you have anything else in your life blaah bllahhh blaah

Ive decided to be the bigger person and rise above her green eyed jealousy .....

or stab her with my biro!! ?

x

My oh's niece, who is also my old school friend is getting married 2 months after us, i recon there budget must be 3 x ours. we had been talking about marrage for a while when they got engaged and we got engaged a few months later, they set there date due to planning time and we set our date because that is the soonest we can raise our budget.

not once have i felt like her plans over shaddow mine, or like her wedding will be better than mine, even though hers will have a lot more cash thrown at it, if people marry at the same time, then theres a big chance you will be having a baby around the same time, then your 10, 15, 25 anniversary partys around the same time, then your kids weddings, thats alot of bad feelings and competitions have you really got the energy for all that!??

The fact is if the other bride is a nice person and a good friend to you, then you wouldn't feel like this. if you feel like she has set a date and is flashing her big ideas at you to make you feel bad then she isn't a good friend in my opinion and you should try and limit what you say to her.

on another point, if shes been engaged for so long and could have got married at any point as her parents will pay, it says alot about her relationship i think. her and her oh were clearing jumpstarted into planning there wedding by the fact you were, I think thats called getting married to have a wedding! she must be very jelious of you!

I wouldn't worry about it. No one has the same taste and your wedding will be what YOU want. You might not even like the stuff she's throwing into hers to 'out-do' you.

Maybe it's because I'm not in the least bit competitive, but I would just laugh it off and just be happy with my plans and super excited for myself. I'd also be excited for her, because in the end you're both going to have wonderful days. Hopefully you two won't let it spoil your friendship. She's the one who cares about out-doing people, not you, so why should it matter if she tries to? I'm sure you're going to have a lovely wedding, and probably feel more like it's actually yours as you've provided everything together with your OH, instead of mummy and daddy shelling out cash.

This exactly. We can't afford chair covers (PiL don't want to pay for them because they think its a waste of money which is fair enough), We won't be having an expensive cake with an expensive hand made cake topper (I was quoted £80 for a pair of ducks the other day!) There will be minimal bling apart from on me! We are not having fresh flowers anywhere, we simply can't afford them.

However, I'm praying that instead of people thinking 'how awful they couldnt afford all that stuff' they will think 'wow, its so THEM.' I want our wedding to be full of our personality. We are having lots of photos of us and our family as decoration, we will have a few lavender plants in pots on the odd table if we can get hold of them, we're having rubber ducks as a cake topper and lots of other bits and pieces that shine with our personality.

If people recognise that in your wedding then I think you can say its a success. Don't worry about this girl and all her stuff. That is her. Not you.

Just a thought, but maybe she's sharing her wedding plans out of excitement, rather than trying to outdo anyone.

Exactly WNYRS. Bit harsh of people assuming she lives a sad existence and is spoilt.

True. i take back the selfish bit...just ging by OP about the mummy & daddy cash bit.

yea looking at it again...she's prob excited to share her details of your shared experience.

To be honest, she probably doesn't realise she's doing it.

My sister got engaged before me, and when she started planning her wedding, it made me realise how much I wanted to marry my OH too. So we got engaged and we're now planning our wedding. My sister doesn't have a lot of money, and they're on a very tight budget.

When we've been discussing things, I've been telling her the stuff I've got and vice versa. Tongue in cheek, I told her my OH had given me the card for the wedding fund and I could spend as I wished. (Obviously, I don't just do this, it was a flippant remark). Anyway, she thought I was rubbing it in that we have more money than her, but it wasn't that at all. Her wedding is going to be just as fabulous as ours. For her, it'll be more fabulous because it's HER big day.

My guess is, your friend is excited about her wedding and likes the fact she can talk to you about it. I'm almost certain she doesn't realise she's upsetting you.

Just brush any comments of hers off. Your wedding will be amazing.

I am very happy for her and when she is happy to just sit down and talk about things that are general as such - like dress, venue, food etc I am loving having another wedding friend. BUT there are times when she is sending me messages that can be seen as being a little bit rude/nasty. I am sure that she doesn't mean it but it makes me feel a bit

I am so happy with all my wedding choices, small, cheap-ish (as cheap as a wedding can be) and with just close friends and family and I actually don't think that anything is going to spoil my day at all, and like you all said it will be OUR day the way me and OH want it and it is so us

Thank you for all your kind words, they do make me feel better and sorry for ranting just had to get it off my chest.

Sophie

We won't be having chair covers either... and I am doing everything like cake toppers on a budget too

As a guest I would rather go to a wedding where the bride and groom have done some work themselves than paid someone to do it all for them. My cousin's wedding was a budget wedding, but you could see the effort they had put in. My wedding wasn't big budget, and we did loads of stuff ourselves. Both were great and didn't feel cheap at all. My H and I have been invited to a wedding later this year that will be BIG budget, and it will be interesting to see the differences.

If your friend wants to share her spending with everyone let her - there's no need to feel you're being selfish. If your day is what you and your OH want then cash doesn't matter.

I don't think the amount peps spend on a wedding is really thats important.. I wreckon you and your OH love for each other will totally out do whatever this girl has spent... what is it they say.. money can't buy happiness!!

So, if you spend a lot of money on a wedding it means you don't really love each other?

I understand how you feel because it is really annoying!! But its not what you have its about what you make it and the people you have there to make it special xx

I think if she is doing it out of spite, then people will see through her. Enjoy your planning with you partner, family and friends. Restrict what you tell her so she cant try to out do you.

for me?? what i mean is it shouldn't matter if you spend 1k or 100k your love will always out do the money spent if your meant to be.