Am I being selfish?

Aww that does suck.

have you spoken to your dad about how you are feeling?x

No, I don't think you are being selfish. I think you need to have a proper talk with your dad, just the two of you.

Whenever I have conversations concerning her he just gets on the defence so I avoid it now but my sister has said she will speak to him for me so hopefully that will get resolved. If it doesn't I will speak to him and I feel like giving her a piece of my mind. It's the fact he's even considering it, putting her first on my wedding day. I feel like iti's just not important to him and he's treating it like any other day☹️ xx

No I don't think you're being selfish, I think your dad's partner is. She shouldn't even be considering your dad taxiing her about on your wedding day and she should have just said that she'll get a taxi.

I would have a serious chat with your dad and just say that you know he's only trying to help out his gf, however you would really appreciate it if he was there to have a drink with you throughout the day and that he sticks around all evening. I would even offer to pay her taxi fare so that he knows how much it means to you.

If he still doesn't agree then I'm not sure what I'd do but I'm hoping he'd put you first on your wedding day?

WSS

I don't think your being selfish at ll. I hope your sister can make him see sense. I think the girlfriend is the selfish one x

I don't think you are being selfish either. I think your dad's gf should grow up and get a flipping taxi home. How much would it actually cost in a cab?

I kn ow your sister has said she will talk to him, so make sure that he understands how important this is to you. I know he should already realise, but men are sometimes too easily led and your dad's gf sounds like a royal PITA!

Thanks guys. Selfish doesn't even begin to describe her but she means nothing to me and I'm more upset with my dad for not thinking about us in the first place. We sent the save the date cards out last June and it wasn't until we sent the invites a few weeks ago that he actually went online to look at the venue. I know he's got other things on his mind (his sister is really poorly) at the moment, but this is the most important day of my life and I just feel like he's not bothered.

True about the men thing! I'm sure it wouldn't cost more than about £20-25 on a Sunday night. And depending on what time she's planning on leaving then she could have shared with other family who aren't staying over but that doesn't seem to have been an option so far. I just wish she wouldn't come at all and problem solved! Next issue I'm expecting is when she finds out she won't be sat next to dad on the top table!

Maybe then she wont come? ?

Definitely try and get this issue resolved before you tell her this. The feeling I get is she may try and manipulate your dad even more once she finds this out.

BTW - I think it's perfectly acceptable not to have her on the top table. We don't even have the best men's other halves on there and we like them!

lol. I was kinda hoping to leave it until we get there and she sees the table plan because there's nothing she can do about it then, there won't be room to move her and if she wants to go off in a strop then she can **** off!

Good idea, plus on the day you'll be too busy having fun to care about her! I feel sorry for whoever is sat on her table!

If it were me, I would arrange a car company to drive her home. Then I would call up my dad and explain to him that I had paid for a car to have her taken home because that cost is nothing compared to the what it means to have him around for the whole special day. It's a great way to be the bigger person and at the same time highlight just how selfish that woman is being.

If she makes a big fuss THEN, well, hopefully your dad will see just what a brat she's being. But then again, hopefully it will make everyone happy and you'll only be out a bit of money and not the whole sad debacle of your dad having to leave and come back. Heck, your dad might even insist on paying for the car, too. Who knows. Just don't let this get you too upset- there are ways around having your dad leave to drop her home!

In fact, SHE should have thought of this. Ugh! Selfish!

Thanks venart. I wish I could afford to be the bigger person, but we're saving ridiculous amounts every month towards the wedding with barely any spare cash for a social life and it's already costing me £75 to have her there for the meal, so I simply begrudge spending money on her that she wouldn't appreciate at all, and that I could put towards a night out with OH that rarely happens anymore lol. xx

Oooh, I didn't even SEE this before I posted.

She's going to have a fit! I don't even know her, but I can see it now! When my brother got married, our step-sister was sat at a table separate from the family, with some of their friends around her age and she flipped out, left the reception and went back to the hotel. She was almost 40 years old at the time, and even though she's our 'step-sister', our parents had only been together 10 years at that point, so we were all adults by that time and we hardly know each other! I can imagine a scene almost exactly like that with your dad's girlfriend!

Ooh, but somewhere deep down, I could just see enjoying watching the fallout. Until of course it upsets your dad. That would be unfortunate. Oh no, he probably really would be torn at that point, especially if it's left up to the last minute to find out! Maybe it would be a better idea to let your dad know ahead of time and let him try to break the news to her? Because if you're doing the traditional top table, there's no place for significant others, unfortunately.

She sounds like a t!t. But I personally wouldn't leave the top table issue to the day. Just in case she does flip out in the middle of your wedding. You really don't want that.

I think you should perhaps allow your sister to have a talk to your Dad. Or can you write your Dad a letter explaining how you feel about this & how upsetting it is for you? A letter may work wonders as he'll have time to read it fully & take it in before he responds in a knee jerk way by defending her.

I would go with your sister and tell your dad exactly how you are feeling. Just say that you appreciate hes really fond of her, but you are his daughter and want him there for you, and she is invited so its not like he wont see her at all. Say that you feel like you cant see him as much and miss him. (Butter him up!) then suggest why dont they stay over night so they can enjoy themselves without having to leave early and then he can drop her off the next morning. Just tell him you want to spend time with him and his gf (Take a big breathe and cross your fingers at that time! even though you wont mean it!) and that should stop him from being defensive (Hopefully!) I would drop it in conversation lightly about staying over and not demand it, because then he would immediately say no.

If she does play up at the wedding she will only show herself up the most and everyone will see her for who she is. After the wedding if she has got her own way, even if you ve spoken to him, then I think you ve every right to tell him what you think of them both!

Could you speak to her separately after you ve spoken to your dad? Just tell her its really important you want your dad there and stay the night? or get a taxi? I hope she is a reasonable person, she sounds very jealous and insecure!

I would def suggest that they stay over, if not get a taxi. You cant really do any more than that i dont think.

Hope you get it sorted.

I regretfully disagree about the letter. Some people think of getting a letter as meaning that you either don't care enough to talk to them in person, or it gives them time to extrapolate all sorts of things you don't mean and they don't have your tone of voice or facial expressions to guide their interpretation. Talking in person is always best!

Broaching the subject with a bit of caution and wording like, "Dad, I love you, and it makes me so happy that you'll be a part of my big day," and then outline the background of the head table, and how while your parents are split up, it still would mean the world to you that you have only biological parents at the head table. Mention all the thought you've been putting into the table plan and how you've sat the GF at a table you think she will really enjoy (even if it's BS, it sounds good). If you make it sound like you've spent a lot of time trying to accommodate her you'll probably fin there's less of a chance he'll defect to another table. Hell, it's only for 1 meal!

lol, i think of worse words to describe her but we'll go with t!t! The only thing with a letter is, if she got hold of it and read it I think she would love the fact that she's causing me upset and it would be any excuse to try and get sympathy off other members of the family by telling them about how spiteful I am being. She has already told anyone who will listen how she thinks I don't like her and I would hate to think she would try and turn people against me. Unlike her, I don't go telling everyone everything. What does my dad see in her!!!! All I keep saying to myself is "he's happy, he's happy"

The fact is she is obviouly insecure about the situation. i have to say i don't know of anyone who would be happy with arrangement of being with someone with children and them being compleatly excluded from all family events out of respect of theres ex's feelings. your mums partner really is an exseption. if my oh put his ex's feelings before mine i would not be on this forum in the first place thats for sure and it would be the same the other way round! The only way you will resolve this issue is speaking to his girlfriend and dad alone and explaining how you feel, that your dad toasting your wedding and being there the whole day is so very important to you and ask that she could stay at the venue and go to work from there in the morning or get a taxi home by herself. if they don't agree to that then i would talk to your dad by himself, but i would talk to them BOTH first.

Maybe you should have a word with her and ask her? Say why do you keep telling people i dont like you? then you could fib a bit and say of course you like her (This might help you get your way with your dad!) and that it means alot to have them both there on the day. Also it will say to her, that you are being told what she says.

It could go either way, but at least you would have tried to get on with her! but take someone as a witness who can back you up. maybe go with your sister or bm for a drink with her or lunch? (thats if you could stand to?!)

With all due respect emze, you don't know the circumstances of my parents separation which i'm not about to go into but this arrangement worked for years and managed to maintain a good relationship between my mom and dad that meant we could celebrate mine and my sisters birthday still together as a family without anyone feeling awkward or uncomfortable.

I think i'm just going to be a wimp and let my sister deal with it. I don't want to be even more hurt by any responses my dad may come out with, and I'm not sure I can be in the same room as her at the moment, nor do I owe her any respect by providing her with an explanation.

Sorry, I'm getting more and more wound up the more I think about it! Proper throwing toys out of the pram moment lol xx

Don't be sorry, I would be the same and I wouldn't be throwing toys, maybe bricks?

Honestly, I'm sure in the end your dad will do the right thing.

Haha why not bricks indeed!! ?

I dont know how far away your dad lives (which is good coz i would go and punch him in the face for being stupid!) but could you go and see him today & try and talk to him today? this wouldget it off your chest... and would get it out theway so not to ruin your weekend xx

SHE's always there though! And to be honest I am scared about what his response is gonna be. If he comes out with anything harsh or upsetting, I know my sister will filter that bit out when she tells me afterwards and my relationship with my dad has already taken a severe knock since she's caused so much upset in the family (I won't go into further details but £ is involved) so I don't wanna end up falling out and feeling even more hurt xx

ahh i can see your point there....right so you have to (bosy boots over her) go the other way. leave it you sister who will as you say filter it through. you have you lovely mum & loving sister & awesome OH (yes i know them all well) your gonna have an amzing day. you dad will be there... as will the troll. HE will regret it a lot more if he lets this come between you because he will miss out on his little girls biggest day of her life.it is upsetting and infuriating....but think positive. *HUGS*

i didn't mean to cause offence, i was trying to give you the likely view of your dads girlfriend and its clear your dad eather agrees or is just going along with her view point, if you don't fix this and your dad ended up going home and you ended up hating her even more as this would only make other family gatherings worse for you.

? Thanks. And you're right they are all lovely and wonderful, with the exception of the "troll" lol! That's a new one, witch was getting a bit old! xxxx

No angel you haven't it's just families are so complicated aren't they and everyone's circumstances are different. We just managed to achieve "normal" and now this spanner (quite literally) has been thrown into the works. I hope your daughter doesn't have to put up with this sh** of feeling second best all the time. I love my dad to bits and lived with him for 7 years after parents split so we've always been really close but feel like that's been taken away from me now. As she likes to regularly remind my sister "your dad said he's the happiest he's EVER been since he met me" which made us feel like sh** for a long time thinking our childhood memories meant nothing, until my sister confronted dad who said he had never said such a thing! Not really the sort of person you want to celebrate birthdays and christmas with, let alone the happiest day of your life! xx