am i being stupid....i just feel soooo low!

My parents divorced 20+ years ago and my mum still calls herself a Mrs with her married name.

I can see where you are coming from - but there is no "second Mrs XXX", you are HIS only Mrs XXX, whatever happens. I'm sure there are plenty of other "Mrs XXX" in the world unless he has a very strange or unusual surname.

She is definitely not competition - there is usually a reason most ex's are ex's - so don't compare yourself to whatever she might be. He's going to be yours in 11 months and 21 days according to your ticker, so concentrate on that and don't worry about her. As you said she's kept out of the way and there's no reason she shouldn't carry on doing that.

My ex wife (10+ years now) went back to her maiden name as soon as she had the opportunity, so I guess there is no real hard and fast answer.

Thanks ajdown, it just seems so odd that ill be married to him yet his ex wife also still has his name, i know its silly and trivial but I just cannot get around the fact that she has never changed her name back!

lets hope she gets married soon then her name will change anyway! thanks for your words though, they do make a lot of sense!

I can see why you're upset. No one wants to think of themselves as the second wife, or have anyone else think of you that way. But unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. Its the ex's choice if she changes her name or not and you and your OH can't make her change it.

Concentrate on the fact that you're going to be the NEW Mrs XXXXX and thats so special. He loves you and the ex having the same surname means nothing to your marriage. You can't erase his past, any more than he can erase yours.

I think you are overreacting - but just a little bit. Is you OH's mum also Mrs XXX? Does he have brothers or cousins whose wives will be sharing your name? It's just a name after all, there are loads of people all over the country who share surnames without issue.

I changed my name as soon as possible when I got divorced. My sister has kept her married name to avoid confusion with her kids. It's personal choice, not every woman changes back.

Whats more important is that she is keeping out of the picture and not giving you hassle.

I know its very rare for anyone to agree with him, but WAJS.

I can understand why you might be annoyed, but she isn't part of either of your lives; she will just be someone, somewhere, who happens to have the same surname as you.

But hopefully she will remarry soon and get a new surname ?

My parents are also divorced and my mum has kept her surname and still goes by Mrs. She said it was just because she'd been Mrs X for so long that that was who she was, my Dad not withstanding.

Don't get me wrong, I'd prob be peeved if I was in your situation, but maybe think of it as being the only Mrs xxxx your H2B cares about, and there's someone else out there that just happens to have the same surname as you both

your so right! I suppose i just had no one to ask advice on this and needed to hear a answer, he seems to think im angry with him and I am not just upset i suppose, but all your advice is right and I should just focus on the wedding and marrying my man!

thanks all....and sorry for the silly moan! xxx

thank you tinnut.....you have hit the nail on the head.....its just a name!

it still feels wierd though, but there is nothing I can do, and at the end of the day I am with him so thats all that matters.

Perhaps overreacting just a little, she probably thought it was a bit of a faff to change all the records back as they charge you to change passport etc its taken my mum 3 years to change her name since getting married but she kept her previous name because she couldnt be bothered to do the paperwork. xx

Does he have any childrenw with her? That was the only reason I kept my Ex'x name so I still had same surname as our daughter.

I have to reply. I do know how you feel. I'm going to be my OHs third wife, and I will also be the third Mrs S. It doesn't bother me that his first wife kept his surname, they have two girls. But I have to admit, I do wish his 2nd wife had changed her name. But she didn't, it did bother me a little, but I'm past that now.

I've decided to look at it in this way, I am one of hundreds of Mrs S... in the UK, as my OH has a fairly common surname, I think that's the way you have to look at it also. However, there will only be one Mrs T.... S..... - ie. me (in 2 weeks time)

His ex wife probably hasn't gone back to her maiden because of the hassle of having to change it back, it is the same for a lot of people, inlcuding my mom! What's in a name???? x