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Beginner May 2014

Am I being unfair? Need Advice!

Platinum17514, 5 April, 2012 at 18:24 Posted on Planning 0 11

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Me again

I have this friend (Girl 1) who I think is struggling to accept that I am getting married ! We have been friends for 18 years and we have always been really close! When I first told her that my OH had proposed all she said was "Well if I am not Bridesmaid, then I don't want to come". She has always been like this, and it really upset me, but I thought she was joking!

So anyway talking to my OH about Bridesmaids etc I had 2 definate ones and my third BM was between this girl and another close friend (Girl 2). After talking to my OH and my mum, we decided that 'girl 2' would be more helpful and I can't have everyone! So I organised a meal with everyone include a couple of my friends who weren't going to be bridesmaids. At the last minute Girl 1 cancelled, so I went ahead with the meal anyway and asked the bridesmaids and we celebrated and drank lots.

To cuts a long story short, a couple of days later Girl 1 text me and said "Who are your Bridesmaids?" and I told her and she said "Charmin!" I said well I can't have everyone and you should just be happy that I want you there as a guest because weddings are expensive and she said "well I have know u longer than your OH, so I should be worth all the money in the world!" and I said "well what has that got to do with anything? I still want you there as a friend, you cant just expect to be a bridesmaid!" and she said "if its that expensive don't invite me then!"in jest I said ok, well that cuts my costs down (with a smily face)

Anyway I didn't hear from her for 5 days and then last night she text me, normal convo and then she just came out with "I didn;t mean that the other day about the bridesmaid stuff, I was joking" I just thought to myself that shes only saying this because she has realised that she is wrong and its her way of getting out of it" and then we are going to a wedding fayre on sunday and I invited her along and she said "no because weddings are boring and not my thing!" so I said ok thats fine. really inside I was soo angry because she made this fuss about being a bridesmaid! then she said "I just don't understand why you are getting married I can't get my head around it" and I said "what do u need to understand?" and basically said that because she doesnt know my OH very she can't be excited for me? and everyone else is really excited but there is no way she could have not to know him better because I met him at uni and she met him a couple of times? and that without her knowing him very well she can't decide whether he is going to hurt me (because her parents split up) and that all she has seem from marriage is hurt and destruction (but me nor my OH have seen it in either of our families). and i said "surely I should just be enough for you that I am happy" aannnnnnyway (LOL) I left it saying that it was meant to be a happy time for me and she was ruining it with her petty comments trying to upset me and I didnt understand why she couldn't be happy for me and hat If she didn't have anything nice to me to just not talk to me and then she started saying that I was talking to her like she was scum and I treated her disgusting and I have always thought that I was better than her! I just didn't reply because I dunno what to say, as this isn't the case at all!

I just want some advice on what to do next? I think I am in the right aren't i? She has really upset me over all of this and I just cannot understand her motives for saying these things to me? She hasn't shown any excitement asked about any of the plans or even asked to see my ring or anything like my other friends and family have! I just don't know what to do! I need some serious girl advice, has anyone else experienced somthing simillar?

Sorry for going on abit, I just dont want to loose a good friend

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11 replies

Latest activity by 3d jewellery, 7 April, 2012 at 08:42

Beginner August 2013
LilMissBusyBride · 5 April, 2012 at 18:32
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Personally I dont think you are being unfair and she seems to have her own issues that she needs to sort out. Give her some space and maybe avoid talking about the wedding to her until she gets her head around it. Definitly seems a good move not to make her a BM. Good luck!
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jules40 · 5 April, 2012 at 18:40
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First of all its natural you are excited about getting married but you have to realise that not everyone is going to be as enthusiastic, weddings bore some people, and maybe she is a little upset, she may be jealous, anxious she is losing a friend and also she may consider you a closer friend than you do her, and not having her as a bridesmaid has in her eyes confirmed she is not as important to you as she thought. Texting is never a good idea, smiley faces or not its difficult to tell when something is said in a light hearted manner or is serious, so I would leave it off for a while and try and meet up with her to clear the air, dont mention the texts and concentrate on your friendship . As for the "you think you are better than me" well maybe that is in her head and in her eyes confirmed by the fact that you went to Uni (and I am guessing she didn't) , someone wants to marry you (and nobody has proposed to her yet)
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Beginner May 2014
Platinum17514 · 5 April, 2012 at 18:46
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This is why I have ended up igoring her messages now! She also went to uni and she has also been with her BF for 3 years! So I have no idea where this "I think i am better than her has come from"
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Beginner January 2001
*Funky* · 5 April, 2012 at 18:49
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I agree you are in the right and she is being out of order, but just bare in mind that although its your wedding and a really exciting time for you other friends might not share the same excitement as its not their wedding needless to say if they are true friends with excitement or not they should be there for you to support you when you need it refusing to go to a wedding fayre because weddings a boring is not helpful or supportive.

I would give it some time and then speak to her about how you feel if she kicks off again i would be asking myself do i need such a friend?
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Beginner
Wicket · 5 April, 2012 at 20:02
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I would give her a bit of space for the next few days just to let things calm down then give her a ring or chat face-to-face just to clear the air a bit. Weddings do funny things to people. If you definitely don't want her to be a bridesmaid, could she do a reading for you? That way she'll still be involved and it's sort of an olive branch.
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Beginner September 2012
xMissyLoux · 5 April, 2012 at 21:36
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I agree with O.B!

To me it sounds like your friend was being jovial in response yo your engagement and showed she wanted to be your BM and after being close friends for 18 years you then choose not to make her your BM. I think I'd be put out if I had a close friend of 18 years who then decided to not make me a BM!

I think what followed is a bit half a dozen of one, half a dozen of another!

Your friend clearly has some issues regarding marriage and also I think she's probably feeling upset, worried about losing you as a friend etc

I think you need to sit down, face to face and have a proper conversation about how you're both feeling and clear the air!

Hope your sort things out! x
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Beginner December 2012
mrs0brien2b · 5 April, 2012 at 22:32
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I think she's jealous! x
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Beginner August 2013
jessica_jayne · 5 April, 2012 at 23:17
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I think a wedding can put a strain on friendships if you let them, friends you expect to be really excited sometimes aren't and people you don't expect to be that interested in, really are.

Is there a reason why you couldn't have both? Both me and my OH have a sister each and then I have my oldest friend and a friend I'm really close to but known her alot less. I knew I couldn't pick between either because I really wanted them both to be, so had both, said I would pick cheaper dresses if it meant I could have them both.

My oldest friend already presumed that she would be one anyway, maybe like your friend, so it could be why she has acted as she has if she is a little hurt by it.

I know it's the brides decision but if my friends got married and had friends as bridesmaids and I wasn't asked them I would feel upset.

She might be a little bit upset/jealous that if she has been with her partner for 3 years and might want the same.

I know your probably trying to include her with the wedding fayre but in her eyes if she's not included in the wedding process she might not want to go. I know I wouldn't.

I would definitely meet up in person, don't let this end a 18year friendship, she probably just needs reassurance that she still is a good friend to you xx
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Beginner May 2013
ButterflyChild · 6 April, 2012 at 05:10
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Hey

I am a firm believer that a a good friend will always be there for you and be understanding. They may not necessarily agree with you but nevertheless, should be there for you. She may be a friend of 18years but that doesn't mean that she should assume she will be a BM at your wedding. You didn't choose her and I think that if she is in any way decent then she should understand.

From what you said, she hasn't had a good experience of marriage - so to a certain extent it is understandable that she has reservations about marriage and worries about you getting hurt. This is where you step in. You MUST reassure her. Explain that just because she has had this unfortunate experience it does not mean that every marriage/person should be tarred with the same brush. However, if she doesn't accept your reassurance and persists with the unruly behaviour then it maybe time to let her go. But, this would be last resort! Don't give up on her without trying x
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