Am I being unreasonable?

I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't really see why it matters if he wears a kilt or not. I know it's a Scottish tradition, but the nephew is from North England right (?), so he might really be embarrassed at the idea of wearing a kilt. (no offence to any kilt wearer's out there!)

Also I've been bridesmaid several times and I will always wear what is asked of me. But I'd like to think that if I really didn't want to wear a specific dress my thoughts would be listened too.

I think it's unfair to say that he's a child and should just be told what to wear. He's 15. At 15 if someone told me I was a child and should do as I was told, I can guarantee I'd be doing the exact opposite.

To compromise why can't you get him a tie or waistcoat in the tartan?

Yes and no.

It wouldn't personally bother me if someone in the bridal party didn't want to wear the same as everyone else as long as they looked smart. I can imagine a 15yo feeling uncomfortable about being in a kilt and having everyone looking at them dance etc so in that respect I'd just let them get on with it.

However, you feel like you've made a lot of compromises and don't want to make more which I can understand. I'd personally be picking my battles, advice I give myself when dealing with my toddler! I'd work out what's important to you and fight for those things and let the small stuff go.

..and breathe!!!

I reckon so far as the ex goes, she is an ex for a reason, and if her and the best man have made it this far they probably have a fairly steady relationship now...if anything she probably feels awkward that people know she dated your OH first, and a bit of a tw@t for acting how she did at your engagement party.

My OH's mum passed away about 18 months before our wedding, so I can relate...we had a few guests who we invited because it was the right thing to do and his mum would have wanted him to keep in touch with them, invite them, etc. - I'm afraid I think just suck it up for this part.

The nephew, is he refusing to wear the kilt and refusing to dance? If I've picked that up right then fair enough, 15 is a really awkward age and I know a lot of teenagers who feel very self-concious at this stage. Being a member of the bridal party should be a mutua decision, not enforced - if he isn't interested or is embarrassed or whatever then fair enough...let him sit it out.

I can see why all of these things would upset you, but I think on some of them you just need to relax and let go. Especially regarding the nephew - he is a stroppy 15 year old boy, and if you tell him he's "a child" and should "do as he's told" that will only make him dig his heels in more. Does it really, honestly, matter if he wears a suit instead of a kilt, especially if he's not Scottish (I know this upsets some Scots)? And would you rather he was dragged reluctantly around the dancefloor or that he sat out while the rest of you enjoy yourselves? I'm not sure I've ever heard of a "customary" bridal party dance before, so I don't think too many people will mind if he's not involved. I think the more you try to control him and panic he will screw something up, the more likely he is to do something just to spite you, so I'd relax on that front.

Regarding the BM's gf/your OH's ex - completely agree she behaved appallingly at the engagement party, and I'd be pretty pissed off with her. If her relationship with the BM has lasted this long though, it would probably cause more problems not to invite her than to include her. And once again, I would recommend just letting her do her thing - YOU will be the centre of attention and SHE will be the one looking stupid if she tries to play games.

With all due respect this bit sounds very silly and definitely unreasonable. Also you saying the nephew won't be part of the wedding if he doesn't wear a kilt is pretty unreasonable.

I think the main thing here is that you need to stop stressing yourself out unnecessarily. Hopefully on the day you won't be concerned with these things and you will have a lovely day no matter what happens.

I don't really understand the kilt part of this. If the whole family is Scottish and they don't mind wearing kilts then fair enough, but to force a 15 year old to wear one when he's not even Scottish is, I think, unreasonable. Even if he is Scottish, it still should be something he is asked to do, but allowed to say no to. My OH is half Scottish and is considering wearing a kilt, but his BM who is English and my brother, who is giving me away and is Welsh, will never be expected to wear one. I would say to let that one go and just let him wear a suit and try to reason with him, saying if you let him wear a suit will he at least join in some of the dance, for you, because it means a lot to you.

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone so important so close to the day, but I think I would've stood my ground a bit more on adding extra people in. I would've sat OH's dad down and explained that we were already pushing the budget as it is and could he maybe contribute a bit towards some of these extra guests if he's so insistant that they be there all of a sudden. I don't fully understand why his wife dying means extra people should come to your wedding anyhow, but maybe that's just me.

I would also be more worried about my OH's ex being there than somebody not wearing a kilt. I suppose it depends on how the relationship ended etc, but even if she was now married to his BM, she still wouldn't be invited after what went on in the relationship and most of OH's family couldn't stand her anyway. I'm not a jealous person so this has nothing to do with it, but if I had caved and let her come to the engagement party and she behaved like that she would've known a long time ago she was 100% NOT invited to my wedding and would be asked to leave if she turned up, and forcibly removed if she refused.

To me you seem to have picked the most unreasonable battle to make the biggest pain for you. You have already caved on the extra guests and OH's ex, so I would say to save yourself the stress, just let the kilt thing go. He'll be happy on the day and when you're walking down the aisle towards your hubby to be you won't give a crap if he came wearing dungarees and wellies xx

ps sorry if any of this sounded harsh x

I don't think this is reasonable. Most men, 15 or not, will not want to wear a kilt, especially if they aren't Scottish. It's one thing asking your bridal party to wear a cravat colour they aren't keen on, a completely different matter to ask them to wear a kilt. I could speak for my Boy when I say he'd never do it - it's not his thing and he has no "right" to wear one.

I have to agree that I think you are being a bit unreasonable, I know how self conscious I felt when I was 15, and I can imagine most 15 year old boys would not feel comfortable wearing a kilt (especially if they're not even Scottish). I wouldn't force any of my bridal party to wear something they're not comfortable in, no matter how old they are.

To be honest it sounds like you're trying to claw back a bit of control after having to make other sacrifices, but I think you need to pick your battles with this one.

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I wouldn't dream of making anyone wear a kilt if they weren't comfortable so yeah I think that's unreasonable (not to mention it annoys me when people wear kilts willy-nilly, to me it comes down to history and 'clan' not fashion!)

I would however be annoyed about the extra guests (I would probably refuse that one) and as for the ex...well, yes, she is an ex and shouldn't matter but if she really is that rude (and if your fiancé notices) I would insist on a foursome catch up pre-wedding to see how you get on without loads of others there, if she's still off then I'd probably consider talking to the BM or getting your fiancé to. No way should you feel awkward on your day because someone is being rude. If no one else has noticed she's off with you then have fun with it, place her beside your most outspoken friend who will keep her in line!

From your post I think it sounds like the BM and girlfriend are the main issue but the numbers and kilt are just adding to it and probably things you would overlook if they weren't all coming together.

I think it's unfair to make someone who isn't Scottish (if I have read this correctly) to wear a kilt, least of all a 15 year old boy, who would probably find it embarrassing. To a fifteen year old English boy, a kilt is essentially a skirt (I am not saying I agree with this but I am pretty sure if I think back to that age, the boys I went to school would never have worn a kilt!).

You've dealt with (what I think) are more difficult issues, I think you'll be better off letting this one go.

I can guarantee, that on the day, you won't care one iota what the nephew is wearing on his bottom half!

I'm scottish and mentioned to my OHs best man the other day that I had thought about asking for the male bridal party to wear kilts. The BM is one of the nicest and most accomodating men I have ever met and is usually well up for anything, but he basically told me there was no way on earth he would have worn a kilt. I was quite shocked, and asked not even for the biggest day in his best friend's life and he said no, and he would hope that I would never have asked him to do anything to make him feel that uncomfortable. So I'm not really surprised that a 15 year doesn't want to wear the kilt TBH. I've never heard of the customary bridal party dance either, but I can understand why most 15 year old boys would not want to do that either.

I can understand how you feel, I spent ages convincing h2b that my brother should wear a suit as our witness and so that he was part of the bridal party, got myself really worked up over it until h2b finally caved and said he could. Then when I asked my brother and he point blank refused to wear one as he'd rather wear his own and doesn't want to look the same as everyone else! Well, after all that I was absolutely gutted and phoned my mum in tears! But I think I'd just wound myself up so much about it, it had become a much bigger deal in my head than it actually was. A few weeks on and I'm totally fine about it now. I think we just feel so much pressure from planning this one perfect day that we become totally over-sensitive to everything and little things build up and become blown totally out of proportion. Don't let it get to you, none of it will matter on the day x

Thanks for the replies ladies, I've calmed down a bit today, yesterday was a really bad day for me with work and then the wedding getting on top of me. I think I've made it a bigger issue than it is because of the other thing's I’ve compromised on. I spoke to OH last night and discussed getting his nephew a suit and just matching the waist coat and cravat to the rest of the bridal party so OH spoke to his nephew who said he would wear a suit but wouldn’t wear a waistcoat or cravat and especially not in our wedding colour which is purple. So now he I feel like he is being awkward when we have tried to accommodate him. I suggested to OH letting him sit out of the bridal party as he obviously isn’t keen but OH is desperate to have him involved so I’m stumped now.

I think what I’m most upset about is really the issue with the BM & OH's ex. The BM and me have never really gotten on, I thought he used to take advantage of my OH (borrowing money and not giving it back and talking about him behind his back) but OH would never see it and then the final straw was when the BM started screaming in my face one night in a club because I was talking to a friend who was also his ex and it went down hill after that he would be abusive to me anytime he saw me however always clever enough not to do it in front of OH. I honestly think he was jealous that he didn’t have his single friend to go out partying and drinking every night. As far as the ex is concerned when I came on the scene she was abusive to me non-stop for months until OH stepped in and told her to back off and that they were definitely over, it only properly stopped when me and OH moved away.

I'm going to talk to OH about the guest list too. The more I think about the extra people and how it has meant a whole extra table to be included because my OH wants to accommodate his dad I’m not happy. We couldn’t invite friends to the wedding who we see regular because of numbers and budget and I understand his dad wants’ family there but we need to draw a line somewhere especially as we are both paying for it. We aren't even talking about immediate family here we are talking about my OH's mum’s sisters kids, kids, kids (OH parents had him very late on)

I drew a line for my family and said I would only be inviting my dads brothers and sisters and their kids and that’s it not their kids kids.

I'm glad you're not stressing so much now. It's such a special day for you and so much work that it's not surprising though, and I'm glad you're standing up for what you want. I wouldn't be asking now, I would be telling my OH his nephew is not involved. He's just being a stroppy teenager for the sake of being a stroppy teenager. What's the point in having him in the wedding party if 1. He doesn't want to and 2. He's going to stick out like a sore thumb and look like he just decided to walk down the aisle willy nilly.

You're a bigger person than me letting the ex come. She sounded bad enough before but now I think I would've *** slapped the crap out of her a long time ago. My OH's BM wouldn't have even got with her or would've left her if he knew she'd treated me like that and was obv still hung up on my OH. I don't care how long they've been together now, I've known someone stay in a relationship with their ex's best friend just to still be a pert of the ex's life and always tried to 'scare off' any new gf's.

If invitations haven't been sent out then hopefully your OH will side with you on the numbers. His dad will still have family around and the extras could always be invited to the evening only. If you're having a buffet there's always loads of food left to feed extras so shouldn't cost you any more. I lost my dad when I was 1 and will be having a locket with his picture in so he can still, in some way, walk with me down the aisle and we're also going to have a little table set up, maybe next to the guest book or cake, with a candle and a picture of him so he's with us on our day. Maybe you could suggest something like that to OH and his dad xx

This sounds really tricky for you all. Personally, I think it might be safer to try to meet up beforehand and iron out old issues, rather than have you stressed and risking fireworks on the day. I don't know if you and your OH could arrange this?

As for the guest list, maybe you could meet up with your OH's dad and discuss money/numbers issues with him. It must be a tough time for him, facing doing this without his wife, but it's better that he knows why it's difficult for you to accommodate him than that you both resent each other.