Am I over reacting?

I'm sorry, but I'm the type to agree that this is overreacting. Is she intentionally trying to upset you? If so, she's a b!tch, but if you you need to move past it. Actually, you need to get over it no matter what, or you'll just be miserable. If they got engaged only a few days after you, chances are she either knew of expected it was coming and was excited, thus talking about her future wedding. What was to stop you talking about yours in tandem? I've had so many conversations with friends about my wedding that have also been almost entirely about theirs or their dream weddings. It's a way of trying to relate, even if it's a bit 'me monster.'

Is there a reason she wants to involve you mom in her plans? What's her relationship like with her own mom? How long has she been with your brother - surely it's just that she considers your family her family as well and wants to be inclusive. What was to stop you asking your mom to go see things with you as well? If you invited your mom and she turned you down simply because she had been to venues with your SIL, then fine, your mom was out of line. As for 'stealing' your ideas, no wedding idea is truly unique, so if you have a few of the same things who cares? The weddings will still have completely different feel to them.

If I were you, I would focus on being happy for my brother and his bride to be, as well as focus on having the wedding I want even if it has some of the same things as theirs. It doesn't matter, it's not a big deal, and I don't think it's fair to blame her for being excited about her wedding even if you're not feeling excited. Weddings are happy times and a reason to celebrate, so be happy for both yourself and for them.

I genuinely "feel for you" whilst people may & are in this case i think tagging onto your ideas, maybe just because they are good!!! Even though what their doing is in fact copying it doesn't always mean the upset they are causing you is intentional- inconsiderate maybe. But I would say this is going to far. I think you have done the right thing postponing. Let her get married & then you will have the opportunity to witness her wedding & make your even more fabulous!!! If that's how she wants to play it!!!! So there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!!But really have your own time to shine, as opposed to sharing the limelight.

With risk of sounding rude, do you get on with your mom/brother? Please just look towards your fiancé for support as I'm sure you will find times from now until her wedding, when you are greatly upset. It's only my opinion, please accept my best wishes for whatever you decide. X

I think postponing the wedding because of what someone else is doing is ridiculous! No matter if she even is stealing your ideas stick your own personal touches to your wedding and watch it all come together and no one will even notice. Just stop sharing your ideas if your worried. At the end of the day your wedding should be about you and your OH and what you want not everyone else. I think you need to get a bit of perspective and stop throwing your dummy out.

...

Never underestimate a little girls enthusiasm for being a bridesmaid or flowergirl. All of the dressing up and excitement and none of the responsibility - they can't get enough of it. My niece has done it four times and is gutted no to be able to do it for me (her Mum won't let her - if you're really stressing about your FSIL let me tell you about my exSIL sometime and she suddenly won't seem so bad).

You can't ask if you're being unreasonable and they say you're not spitting your dummy out. If you don't think you're being unreasonable then why ask?

That said, like most "dilemmas" on here it sounds like you just need some clear communication. Does she know she's copied you? Or did you both want the same thing? My sister isn't engaged yet but likes to join in with my wedding talk by telling me what she would want and at the moment it's almost identical!

If she does know she's copied you - tell her! Tell her you're annoyed. If your mum knows you were having "your" venue (was it booked?) and now your SIL has announced she's having it, has your mum said anything? Or does your mum not mind that both weddings will be at the same place? Are your nieces your brothers nieces too? If so you can't moan about that - they aren't yours and like the poster above me said, they'll love the chance to do it more than once.

I do get where you're coming from but I don't think you're dealing with it in the most effective way tbh.

You asked for opinions if you was over reacting. Based on the information you gave I think you are. Even based on the new info I still think you are. Unless you both get married on the same day your relatives will still need to travel twice. Maybe have a grown up conversation with your brother and his partner. Or maybe you should have just played the game better and got there first, after all, weddings are about who did it first.

My brother is getting married three weeks before me, there are certain parts if the wedding I haven't told my mum about just incase, I also asked my mum to refrain from telling my brother and fsil certain details about my wedding. We have still ended up with similar venues, flowers, bridesmaid dresses- but they're wedding will be there's and ours will be ours. Why don't you talk to your mum and explain that you really need her help and involvement. Tell her you feel that she isn't paying you or your wedding enough attention and that you want her to go to everything with you. Book the dates and appointments in now and make it very clear that if she ditched you in favour of doing something with your SIL on the same date you will take it very much to heart and feel unloved and second best if that is the way you feel?! In other words spell out to them all how you feel. People are not mind readers and, when it comes to weddings can be very blinkered!

In my cabbage I would just let fsil get on with it and focus on ur own wedding. Just don't tell anyone apart from oh your plans and then there is no danger of anyone copying you!

You ask if you are over reacting and I think you may well be? Read your posts back to yourself, they are written in a petulant manner.

Is may be an obvious question but have you actually spoken to this girl about this? Have you explained that she has upset you or that you feel a bit pushed out? If not then you are not really letting her have the chance to rectify things?

Post gone... I blame mini

Most people do.

Yup mini's fault, drunk on wine again and dispensing bad advice whilst neglecting her hubby and making herself feel less bitter by ruining everyone else's chances at happiness by sticking her oar in! ;-)

Mini strikes again! ?

I'm not sure how what I posted was any different to what the others put but clearly my reputation precedes me.

I hadn't even read the opened the post and I knew Mini would've been in here doing her work! :-)

I hadn't even read the opened the post and I knew Mini would've been in here doing her work! :-)

I wish I could read the posts from the OP.

I've settled down with a nice spritzer and some nibbles and want some entertainment.

I read the op first post before it went .... Seems I missed the drama !

X

I guess I made an assumption that this site may have been occupied by ladies who could empathise with my struggles not see them as potential 'entertainment'. I guess since I'm a counsellor I take the ability to empathise and enter others frames of reference for granted and it can be frustrating when others try to tell me that my feelings aren't valid, I guess that frustration has been mistaken for petulance. But I guess I asked for it by posting on here, I didn't come on here to be slated and to have my feeling dismissed. Everyone's experiences are different. I shouldn't have assumed that a silly post on here, which was written in a moment of distress, would have offered me any comfort or support.

When I say entertainment, don't take it personally seeing as I didn't actually see your post - as noted in my own post.

When people ask for advice and are given it but seemingly don't like the advice it's amusing to others who've seen this over and over.

If you ask advice you'll get honest answers here. That's the whole point.

As a counsellor I'm surprised you seem to be unable to see things from your SIL pov, unable to take feedback when you've asked for honesty and unable to communicate clearly with those around you. I'm only a student counsellor but they're just basics?

As I said in my post before, I can understand why you feel the way you do, I really can, but I don't think you're dealing with it as an adult. It looks like it's touched a child-like part of you - understandable but it's your responsibility to acknowledge that and deal with it as an adult.

Hey princess!!! Read between the lines I AGREE with YOU!!! I DON'T think your overreacting!!!! No not because I to have been in a similar situation just because to me it's clear what's going on within your family is unfair. Not sure as to why your moms allowing it??? Also I think it's really really absured, ok weird that adult siblings should HAVE to keep secrets from those closest to them. This sort of predicament shouldn't even arise, you should be able to enjoy your planning with your brother & his fiancee & YOUR mom. Them tagging onto your ideas isn't the "bad" part. You've had a great idea and they've copied, it's what's happening after that's somewhat malicious.

Non of what I have said provides a solution, rather just saying what I make of this situation. I'm really sad that you have been made to feel even worse by the "hitched ladies". I have managed to interpret that you feel somewhat belittled by some of the comments you received. Yes i can understand people, voicing their opinions. If it comes across as hurtful then it's not useful so why bother??? Girls will be girls I suppose!!!! I apologise genuinely if any of my comments have been hurtful. That to I understand, just thank heavens you didn't know any of us at school before we had the common sense to be "sensitive" & "considerate " to the feelings if others. Getting exited over negative comments was not my intention.

There is some good advice tucked into some of these comments, so reread see if you can use it to your advantage. As the one thing you are incredibly guilty if us NOT talking it through with any of your family. So on the job and let me know how you get on.

As a student counsellor, I'd be questioning why I'm so keen to be offering advice so keenly, whilst also telling people what they can / cant do, isn't that completely the opposite of what it should be about? It seems rather analytical of you to say it seems this has touched a child like part of me, I guess that doesn't sit well as I'm person-centred in my approach. I am self aware, as a practising counsellor I place a huge importance on this. I was clearly very upset, not in a great place yesterday when I posted and the first to say my head wasn't that clear at the time, I didn't explain myself well at all. I'm not sure how I don't see things from her perspective either, how did you come to that conclusion?

Thank you! How nice to feel heard and understood. I only have my mum to do all this stuff with, I only have brothers and feel very much on my own in all the planning, its been really tough. I have dreamt of my wedding for yrs, my perfect wedding, it just really hurts to see someone else take all those little details from under me, especially family. I guess I couldn't do that to anyone and find it hard to comprehend how she could take that from me. I only wanted to vent on here as I don't want to cause any ill feelings with my future SIL, I will pull myself together eventually and move on from the wedding I truly wanted and enjoy seeing that for my brother. I will just have to suck it up and plan a different wedding for myself. Thanks for seeing it from my perspective Dizzygal x

Hey your very welcome, we must be odd as no one seems to see anything in the same way as us guys!!! But hey like I say to me it's clear to see why your upset. If in my opinion you were being "child like" you would have blurted out and threw a strop!!! Instead you have been a "lady" held it in & still you are thinking of others & yet to complain to those whom deserve it. I'm sad you were in such a bad place, but I just thought you were being reasonable and natural in your response. Gosh have you seen the effort they go to on Gypsy weddings to avoid telling relatives anything- mmmm maybe not the best comparison!

Keep calm and carry on you will be teally glad its gone the way it has. You can have a MARVELOUS wedding which will still be about "you" the only difference is any thing you will have been to a wedding and you can use this as "work experience" to make your day even better. Not meant to be malicious at all!!! Just Useful, I went to a wedding at my venue it was really useful. I had a great time and they were great people. But there's lots of things I had the opportunity to witness and say I won't make that mistake!!!No spite intended-perfectionist that's all.

It's a great opportunity!!!X

I still think you need to talk to your MUM about it. Have the wedding you want, unless them having the same things makes you not want them, in which case you won't want the wedding you want. I do know it is hard, I have said before my brother is getting married 3 weeks before me and I have had plenty of temper tantrums about it early on in the process. I think I made my feelings very clear to all my family about it. I calmed down once they found a different venue, after I threatened to cancel mine which was already booked and elope, my mum and dad had to sort that one out, but they found their own venue in the end. We have all over reacted to things along the way. That said if you don't stand up and start shouting this isn't fair, you stole all my ideas, you stole my venue and now you are stealing my mum! Then it won't change. I'm not suggesting you use those exact words! You are letting this happen to yourself because your not actively telling the people involved how you feel about it. Unless its vindictive then they might not realise its upsetting you and if it is vindictive then you won't need to worry about ruining the relationship with them as its already ruined. And if you don't tackle this you may end up bitter and resentful towards your brother and SIL and that will ruin the relationship anyway. If you choose to do nothing about it then yes you will have to just suck it up and get on with it.

Vintagedreams, did mean to say your advice is one of those to reread - you have experience in the field!!!! Just read your most recent comment like it your advice is "best of both" reasonable & yet you admit to throwing a "wobbler" at times. Hope it helps you a little Princess.

Who hasn't thrown a wobbler at times?! I know I have in the past and have been told so too!

vintage echoes my point though- op if you don't tell anyone how you feel then they won't know? People can be blissfully short sighed sometimes and your mum and this girl probably have no idea at all they gave caused any upset. Either way keeping quiet is not going to help you.

I just think that the question shouldn't be am I being unreasonable- we all are at times, as my brother told my mum at the time I 'had no right to dictate to him when or where he had his wedding!' This was true and the reasonable side of me agreed! Unluckily for him my unreasonable, angry, spoilt side won and I had my massive paddy and won- I'm not proud of it, but it did in some way solve the problem of the two weddings. It took a bit of time to get back on speaking terms, but in my eyes at the time they were 'stealing' my wedding and making it less special. I think I was unreasonable about some of it.

The question the OP should have asked is not am I being unreasonable as what is unreasonable to one is not to another, but more ' this is happening, its upsetting me, I want to do something to stop it from keep happening, what can I do?'

I was responding to your post as a student counsellor the first time (nor the second, I just thought I'd explain my perspective as you had). I work in a fairly integrative way with a shot of TA thrown in for good measure.

I can't refer back to your original post to clarify my post as you have deleted it, but my post was not intended to invalidate your feelings at all. I can understand why you feel the way you do, but the tone of your original post was very me-me-me. You've now explained you weren't in a good place which makes your post clearer but I find it the way you have responded to the replies given to your OP quite insulting. We can only go on the information given to us and give honest replies and no, it's not a good idea to expect this to be like therapy - nowhere is like therapy except therapy!

yup, have to agree with this. I think that would change the tone of the responses altogether.

It is true if you don't say how will they know? But some families don't talk, even if the person speaking up has a valid point. Maybe she doesn't want to cause family "issues" & is bearing the brunt herself. She may be appering to tantrum on hitched, as she had nowhere else to vent without causing "problems" Brave girl I'm sad Princess feels she can't speak up.