Am I over-reacting? Need advice re: stepkids

Would the school tell your H if the children had been absent?

C-L

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Could you call their local hospital(s) to check if either of them have been admitted? Has your H expressed his anxiety to his ex in his texts/voicemails?

Hi C-L,

No, I don't *think* so... as far as their schooling is concerned, the ex decides everything, goes to all the parent evenings etc, and then if there's anything going on, she will pass it on to H.

As it happens, I've managed to find the ex's dad's home number on 192.com so I've suggested H calls him now, just so we can get reassurance, you know? But oh no, he insists on waiting til the morning..

Oh how different the world would be if women made every decision!! ?

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I think we could do that, just not sure if they would talk to H really, as he's "only" on Jnr Smith's birth certificate, you know? He has expressed the concern, as far as I'm concerned anyway

xxx

In the past has she been reliable at letting you know of any problems / crisies in a timely fashion?

TBH, i would just text again to say you're worried and is everything OK rather than calling hospitals and police etc - which would be somewhat over reacting.

Chances are that if something big had happened you'd know by now. Send a text, see what tomorrow brings and then maybe call her dad if you don't hear back by tomorrow eve.

Hope all's well.

Thanks for the advice Hubble... It's just so tough because she has a tendency to do her own thing.. When she was with dad no.3 the man used to be physically and emotionally nasty towards the kids, and there was nothing we could really do, as we didn't know the full extent.. I guess I'm just very worried for the wee ones, as I know they're not in The Best environment they could ever be in, lol. But that's beside the point.

A little update: H has just sent another text saying that he's worried, and that he's going to have to stop the cheque we sent up for maintenance unless she gets in touch soon as we're worried something's happened to her, etc.. She's just replied with "Sorry you can call tomorrow night. We've just been busy"

But really - how busy do you have to be to ignore all phone calls both on mobiles and landlines, as well as texts? Is it really tough just to reply with a "You can't call tonight, we're busy" or whatever?

God I'm sick of all the logistics! ?

Could the mobile reception at her Dad's be utterly useless and unreliable?

I am sure it is possible to start periods at 9 but I do feel sorry for your stepdaughter having all those 'extra' years of periods!

Sorry to hear that there's been probs with how the kids have been looked after

but -

eh?

Why would you stop the maintenence cheque? Was that just a tough line to get her to contact you (in which case, cheap shot imo) or do you mean that in case she wasn't arround to cash it... but ...again... eh? I mean, it's a bit (very) far fetched to stop a cheque - and rather assumes that you're being utterly paranoid that she's been mugged and someone will steal her mail and open a bank account in her name and nick the money and therefore a stopped cheque was in everyone's best interest - OR you use your kids' maintenence money as a controlling leverage - which is wrongity wrong.

Sorry. I just found that a most peculiar way to conduct the matter.

I may have spectaularly misread that though, in which case 1000 apologies.

Its 100% possible your stepdaughter started her periods at 9. Thats when mine started.

Also i have to say i agree with LP, not really sure how that can be taken as concern for their welfare by threatening to stop money. I understand you're worried but its a bit of a cheap shot if its an attempt to get her to contact you simply because you know she'll need the money.

It also doesnt sound like you have much reason to be concerned that she wouldnt get in contact with you, you said yourself she normally lets the kids speak to your OH, and keeps up to date with school reports etc. Maybe they were very busy but thats not to say she shouldnt have just dropped a text or message saying that.,

All that said, i really do hope the kids are ok and i apologise if it does seem that i have the wrong end of the stick.

Hi all,

thanks for your honest responses - sorry I went to bed shortly after my last post...

Looking at it from an outsider's point of view - I have to apologise, as the whole maintenance cheque thing isn't about trying to be controlling, but basically (not sure if I'll lose you here!) the ex doesn't want any money going in directly into her bank account, so she's asked us to send cheques in dad no.4's name. This in itself is fine, but last night I think I just had a paranoia-trip and believed that, maybe, he'd done a runner and left her and the kids high and dry, or something had happened to her, leaving the kids on their own, if you see what I mean?

The ex is normally very keen for H to speak to the kids pretty much everyday, because she finds them so much of a handful. So he will spend a bit of time on the phone with them, talk through what school's like, or whatever. I'm not entirely sure myself. Basically it's just to cut her some slack, and that's why I was worried that we'd not managed to get hold of her. When she was with dad no.3 we could never speak to the kids unless it was pre-planned that they would be over at the ex's best friend's house, and H would call the best friend. Since then, H has got rid of her number, but otherwise I would hope that he'd've got in touch with the best friend to see what was going on.

But then again, I don't know what her side of the family are like; I don't really know them at all, the only thing I know is through the kids, and obviously you can't necessarily believe everything that a 9 and 7 year old say..

But yeah, after all, H managed to get hold of her last night, and everything's fine ? I think the issue lays with me more, in that I get too paranoid with other people.. It's really made me think, and made me realise that yes, in fact, I was over-reacting and being unreasonable..

Who'd've thought that 3 years on of being a stepmum to the kids I'd still struggle!! ?

Thanks again

If the ex chooses to ignore the calls & texts the threat of stoping the cheque certainly made her wake up! Nice one!

A little bit off topic, and tell me to mind my own business but your husband is opening himself up to be set up regarding this maintenance cheque arrangement. What would be stopping her taking your H to the CSA it 2 years time saying he hadn't paid her a penny maintenance. I only mention it as I know someone who was similarly shafted by an ex in these circumstances.

Regarding the contact with the kids, woud it be worth getting the child a mobile phone with outward calls barred, just so your H could get in direct contact with the child- Im sure they would find time to speak to their father rather than having to go through the ex.

With regards to periods at nine years old, my friend started at nine.

x

I was only just thinking the same thing.

Same here, I'd at least question this with someone like the Citizens Advice Bureau. She could well turn round and say she hadn't received a penny!

Not sure how co-operative the ex would be but my friend's ex insists on receiving the maintenance money as cash, he makes her provide him with a signed hand written receipt as evidence that she has recieved the money.

Well, presumably the cheques are crossed so they have to be cashed in a bank account held by the ex - surely that would provide proof.