Another bridesmaid question!

I don't quite understand. Are you saying your mum has decided she doesn't want you to have your friend as a bridesmaid?

What's the question?

Yeah, mum has decided she doesnt want her.

And now im stuck telling my best friend that "I" dont want her as my bridesmaid!

Who is getting married here, you or your mum? It's not her decision to make, tell her to butt out. Seriously, are you going to just go along with this?

She is paying for the dresses, so have been told if i want her as a BM I will be paying for all the dresses and extra bits.

Basically if i dont go along with her i have to pay!

At the minute I cant even afford the church, so if it comes to it there might not even be a wedding!

Or it would be in a registry office

Right - the salient points seem to be:

1) She's your best friend.

2) She had to cancel due to work commitments but has offered to reschedule.

3) You're the bride!

4) You want her as your bridesmaid.

If it was me, I'd explain to my Mum that in the current economic climate - probably she couldn't turn work down as it might endanger her job!

Also I'd remind my Mum that although I value her input, it's really down to me who I have as a bridesmaid - and having my best friend there would mean the world to me.

Hope you can get it sorted out!

Ali x

I hope so too!

I have to say (and this is just my opinion) that there's no way I would be held to ransom like that. My parents are paying for pretty much everything but I'd have no hesitation in politely declining their offer if it came with conditions like that. I'd rather compromise on my budget and venue by paying for it myself than have that.

Any chance she is just calling your bluff?

I dont know, but i kind of dont want to try, as and i mean NO OFFENCE to anyone, but I cant stand the idea of a registry office wedding!

We went to look at one and I hated it! Didnt look nice, feel nice or anything, I want to get married in the church i have gone to since i was a little girl!

OK so first calm down - the cost of church should not be offset against a bridesmaid dress as they should be quite different! You should economise on reception costs rather than the ceremony as the Church is so important to you.

Could you not explain the situation to your best mate and ask if she could pay for her own dress, or if you could split the cost. Then your Mum wouldn't be paying for her. You could economise by getting a BM dress off the high street that she could wear later so it doesn't seem like a big deal.

Perhaps it would help to get everyone in a room to discuss so that you don't feel stuck in the middle

I know some registry offices can be a bit grim and clinical but there are some lovely ones around, are there any others in your area?

It's your choice, personally I'd put a good friendship above my desire to marry in a particular venue. This could blow up spectacularly, I wouldn't be very impressed with any friend who told me I wasn't going to be a bridesmaid because their mum had said so. Are you willing to risk losing your best friend?

Obviously I don't know your mum - but this does seem like a bit of an overreaction to me.

Have you tried reasoning with her?

There is no way i would be held to ransom by my mum like that. it's your wedding, even if they are contributing towards costs. i would politely turn down the offer of financial help if my mum continued to act in that manner.

i can understand why you would want to get married in the church you have gone to since you were young, but really, what is getting married all about? is it having the big white wedding in the big white dress, or is it getting married to the man that you love? i am very lucky in that my parents are contributing, but if they couldn't, i would just have what we could afford, and if that meant getting married in an ugly registry office and not having everyone i would have wanted there, that is what i would do, as it is about me and h2b becoming husband and wife.

sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

The biggest and nicest one around here is about 15 miles away, and would only seat 44, which would also mean halfing the guest list.

I would not want to lose her as a friend, but to be honest getting married in a church is very important to me!

I have asked her if she could pay something towards it, but she is saying she cant afford to as she is a student!

Your mum seems to have over reacted here. any chance she may have had a change of heart? quite frankly, i would put my friendship first. Yes, its your wedding day, but its more about getting married, than where you get married IYSWIM

Its getting so bad that i have to ask my dad to intervene!

She is a real mumzilla sometimes!

I see... I guess a registry office wouldnt be so bad

Slightly left field suggestion - but as the church is so important and you obviously have been going there for a long time - could you maybe have the church and get your bridesmaids dresses from the sales, then scrimp on the reception a bit if your Mum is adamant?

That way, maybe you could fund it yourself?

When is your wedding? Do you have time to save up?

Where is your reception? Is it possible to have the ceremony there?

Are there not other areas you can cut down on if you really want a church? You could get high street bridesmaids dresses for about £50 each. Cut back on favours, flowers etc? My church charges £500 for a wedding, I'm not sure what it is for a civil ceremony but surely you could save the few hundred pound from other areas?

Oh you poor thing, thats a pretty awful way of your mum handling things. At the end of the day its your wedding, and everyone is correct in saying you have every right to have who you want as a bridesmaid.

Try sitting down with your mum, maybe with H2b and explain its upsetting you and i dont know when you are due to get married but i am sure its not the end of the world if someone has to pull out once from a shopping trip. I know your mum holds the purse strings but its unfair for her to use that as a dangling carrot - she is either paying or not regardless of what happens along the line!

hope it all works out for you.

Thats another problem, we have sorted the reception, music, fod, venue, even ordered Pimms!

The church is £475, and the dresses are £160 each, then we still have £275 to pay on my dress!

I dont have a job, and on my OHs wage we cant afford food, let alone saving up!

Im in a total mess!

Re reception - is this all finalised and set in stone? Can you not ask them to cut back on things, perhaps a cheaper menu?
Have you already ordered the bridesmaid dresses?

Surely the reception doesn't need final numbers until closer to the wedding. As others have said can't you look at cutting back on numbers for the wedding and reception to try and re-coupe some money.

We have gotten the food down to £5 per person, which has helped, and we are providing the drinks for the bit as you walk into the reception, and yes, we have ordered the other 2 so would need this one to match as she is not CM!

We could do, but its not that cost of everything that she doesnt want to pay, without sounded like an idiot, they have plenty of money, which is why i dont understand why the are making such a fuss over one dress!

I want my best friend to be there

Then you need to say that to your Mum.

Say that one of the most important things is for your best friend to share your day with you.

Maybe remind them of some time that she's been there for you or something?

Surely it's possible to reason with your Mum.

I have phoned her and dad and arranged to go round tongiht for a chat, me, Hubby, mum and dad!

hopefully we can achieve something

This might be a bit controversial, and I really don't mean to be harsh, but realistically - if you can't even afford food, is planning a wedding the wisest thing to be doing? I accept that your parents are paying for it, but personally I would want to have a little bit of financial stability (or at least a steady wage) before getting married - especially given the current climate.

I hope you don't take that the wrong way, and I'm certainly not saying don't get married, but maybe it would be an idea to postpone it until you're a little more financially stable, and that way you wouldn't be relying so heavily on your parents - which is surely a good thing, especially if she tries to dictate things as much as you've suggested?

Hope you sort it either way.

I have thought about cancelling it, believe me, some dayd i still do, but who knows how long it will be before someone takes me on!

We're not suggesting you leave your fiance for goodness sake! just maybe tailoring your wedding to a budget you could afford on your own if needs be.

Right! We have reached a compromise!

Dad phoned mum to tell her to be nice and listen to me!

So if mate will buy her dress she can be BM

Feeling better now!

Hurrah!

Good old Dad!

Glad it's a bit less stressy now!

Ali x