another ranty one sorry- my mother

Aw I know what you're going through...my mum was exactly like that and it was both upsetting and annoying but please keep focused, it's YOUR big day and don't let anyone spoil the excitement with the planning. On our actual day, my mum was a little sad during and straight after the ceremony but as the day went on, she loosened up and started to enjoy herself. I found out later than she was sad because she felt left out of the big decisions and she thought she was losing a daughter through marriage. Since our big day, my mum has spoken highly of our wedding, saying how lovely / different the venue was, how great the food was, how all her guests loved it etc etc. Also, she has come to realise that she has gained a son-in-law. Anyway, I hope your mum comes round...in the mean time, chin up x

As hard as it is you just need to try and ignore her negativity. unfortunately weddings can bring out the worst qualities in people, but ultimately it is your wedding and should be about you and your OH.

My fiances Mum has been quite difficult- not showing a lot of interest at all apart from to tell us who she thinks should be there! We've also had so called friends telling us they wouldn't do it our way and they wouldn't have chosen the venue we have, etc etc. As annoying as it is to hear it, it just makes me more detemined to do it our way as it's about us not everyone else.

Try to not let your Mum's comments get under your skin- it's your day!

So sorry your Mum is being like this, we're so excited about our special day we want everyone else to be as excited as well, especially our Mum's.

My Mum was very strange towards my forthcoming wedding and to be honest was putting a complete dampners on it. I'm only going to be getting married once (have been with h2b 8yrs, have a child and house together and only now plucked up the courage to get married) want to enjoy the planning stage. So I took the bull by the horns and asked her why she was being like she was. We had a big discussion and were very honest about it all. I told her how important it was that she was involved in the planning and that nothing was going to change once we wer married. She is now on board and has even bought my wedding dress.

Do you feel you can have a frank discussion with your Mum? You are only going to do this once, so please don't look back with regrets thinking if only I had spoken to her about it. You may find she is being over sensitive and feeling pushed out (not that you are pushing her out).

Yea please speak to your mum. you dont want her being like this to put a dampnered on your plans and people have said it may be she feels a bit left out.

similar (not the same) when i moved house (not out from home just house to house) my dad was really funny about it & because he was like that i didnt ask him to help me move & see the house....and he didnt offer. it turned out that he was being funny because i was buying with a boy & that he felt he was losing me and then i didnt ask him to help & felt pushed out.

not the same at all but parent feelings kinda things

x

OMG I cant explain how happy I ws to read your post - HURRAH its not just me with the mum from hell!

She has complained that we have picked the wrong dress, venue, colours, flowers. Shes moaned that I'm getting ready at MY HOME - should I continue?

I want to talk to my mum but I think she will only take it the wrong way and it will cause a big argument! But after seeing her on Sunday I wanted to cancel the wedding

Don't feel that you can't flash, we love "out there" weddings too!

Get some of your planning pics on here babe, I love a good way-out wedding! That way we can do all the gushing at your fabby details and it wont matter so much if your Momma frowns at you :-(

You will find though that not everyone gets excited about weddings, your Mum prob thinks she knows best, as afterall, she has already been there!

Thanks all. It's hmm reassuring to know I'm not alone, sorry about those others who have the same though! It's all very well that she may be feeling pushed out but it's hard to want to involve her when she has actually said, for example, if she did help with say the flowers, she would actually go against my wishes and do it her way. She actually bought a FG dress she liked and I didn't, for my daughter, without asking, I just told her to take it back. Also I'm not only doing this once, this is my second time, which has added to her views that it should be modest... I feel like I should just leave showing her any more of our stuff cos it does neither of us good. She can have a sulk about it on the day if she wants but she's not spoiling any more of my planning, at least. We have always disagreed, but this is a big thing which is why it's upset me. I have tried talking to her and persuading her round but she doesn't really agree that it should be done our way, she thinks we should just stick to all the traditions. I have had feelings like that shellsworth. We're just going have to chin up and crack on for all the other guests who we know will be happy for us and take us as we are. Oh and ourselves of course! I think I'd regret it more if I bowed to her.

Hi,

I think reading these posts has made me appreciate our friends and family all the much more! Our families have been supportive offering help advice and money without ever pressurising over anything. Our friends are so excited that we are doing the day 'our way' - on the surface it may look like a 'normal' classy wedding, but deep down it certainly won't be!

I just wish I could send some of my people your way - sounds like you need some happy supportive people!

But please do flash - I love a kooky wedding. To me people at your wedding should be there and think 'huh, that is just totally them!'

DM x

I'll have a share with you guys later when kiddies in bed- not very good at posting pics, takes me ages! I'm quite lucky in that I have had my best friend to share things with, who has been more positive, but as she's the only one really, I feel like I'm 'burdening' her a bit with it when she has personal problems of her own. Thanks for your support.

well we certainly wont see it as burdening...a) we;'re all very excited about wedding & loves weddingness and b) lets be honest..noesy

WSS

Yep!

Hi there, i was reading your post and thought have we got the same mother?!!

Mine is exactly the same! She was arguing against my choices and especially telling me i cant have anyone else to go with me, only her, to choose dresses....i dont think so= major row! She has fallen out with family recently (they are horrendous and i stopped seeing them years ago!) and she had had enough, so told them so. which is fair enough..we have been taking the fallout, so i told her so! she seemed to back down for a very short while and then told me that i was to invite her friends who are life long mates, she hardly sees them and bitches about it! and also some family we dont see, so it balances her side of the family up! we argued...again...so the jury is out for now on that one, i said i'll see.

So i dont tell her anything else untill its bought or decided!

She has also said that she will buy my dress, i said well its my decision what to have and she agreed, (I was actually shocked no comment!) untill i tried one on the other day and showed her a photo, i changed my mind about it and she asked why, i said i just wanted a bit more bling, then she made the comments well you did look hippy in it. as in FAT! luckily i was on the phone and she couldnt see me!!! So im now going with my CBM to look at dresses in half term, so i know i will be happy and have some fun. if i went with my mother, i would be miserable and stressed! Ive come close to moving to Australia cos of my family here, but chickened out and then met my OH.

Im actually dreading the day itself TBH, i know mum will be stressed trying to sort my nan out and family that are coming, ive tried telling her that my uncle and aunt can do that for once and family who are coming from afar can sort their own rooms out when i send invites out with details of the hotels that THEY can book! but no she seems to think its down to her! Whatever! im just letting her get on with it and doing my own thing! So her being stressed will really get on my whatsits! cos there will be swearing, moods and things thrown and arsey comments! I can see it now, as ive seen it a thousand times!!! My OH is worried about that too, as he knows i get so wound up by her. My dad on the other hand, is the opposite!

Ive said i want a smaller wedding, as ive been married before, and this time she is worse!! but OH is his forst time and wnats close family and friends, im not totally happy about it and have come close to cancelling it also. But alot of my friends are getting married and i can share ideas with them and tell them of my horror stories, i seem to be the only one with the mother from hell! which we can giggle about and it makes me feel better! Bless her. She works hard and has given me a good childhood and i really appreciate everything she has done for me, but she just wont let go and tries to control everything!!! and wont learn!!

So you re not alone!

Also, look forward to seeing your posts!

Definitely not alone in this!!

Altho, I do have to say, mine has surprised me. She has spent all of my life telling me everything I've done/decided/worn etc was wrong....but despite this has been trying to get involved with things. Much as I would love the help (I have no friends or anyone else to help me, so been doing all this pretty much on my own!), I've been frightened of letting her get involved for fear of it errupting into an enormous row or me feeling walked over on my own special day.

I have also just ben upset by an email from my dad - I suggested taking all our parents and their partners (all 4 of them are seperated!) out for a meal, instead of the usual stag/hen night - i don't have bm's and he doesn't have a Bm - so i thought it'd be nice for all the parents to meet. But he has now said he wouldn't be comfortable with his gf in same room as my mum and isn't keen on sitting to dinner with strangers!! THAT'S THE POINT OF GETTING THEM TOGETHER!!! (apologies for shouting....!)

My mum doesn't like any of my ideas either!!! I think its a mother thing!!! Unless I go with what she picks she refuses to then talk about that aspect of the wedding!

She has picked my invites because to be honest with the stress of everything else and the amount of arguments we have had (only booked a church and venue) I had no energy left to stand up to her.

An interesting theme came out of this for me - the idea that if it's not your first time, you should do it quietly.

That's exactly what my mum said! In fact, she's gone as far as to say that we shouldn't get married at all but should just continue living together. Weird that, I always thought that mums wanted you to the 'right' thing! lol

For me it's actually third time (widowed first time, betrayed and divorced second time) and unfortunately people don't seem inclined to let me forget that fact (not that I have). So everything from the fact that we didn't disappear abroad to do it quietly, to me not wearing a grey roll-neck dress to anything which might suggest having a bit of a 'do' rather than something very very low key seems to be a problem - and not just to her either.

But my H2B, who is not known for his social confidence or party lifestyle, has been adamant that we have nothing to hide, we are stronger than most couples, we have absolute belief in our relationship and a lot to celebrate. So that's what we're going to do. And we're not doing it to suit anyone else, only ourselves.

It's been a hard thing though, flying in the face of such lethargy. I don't doubt that people are happy for us but they're being very guarded about it and have shown a distinct lack of interest thus far. So we're ploughing on with our planning and hope that on the day people will get caught up in the magic and realise why we've done it our way. Plus, we've made it very clear that anyone who doesn't genuinely want to be there is very welcome to decline an invitation. I would rather have fewer but supportive guests than any number of people who are there for a free dinner! lol

Wouldn't it be so lovely though to just have the confidence and comfort of knowing that people are really onside and not harbouring their own niggles? If you haven't had the stuffing knocked out of you by a previous partner and you still believe in marriage (not weddings, but what comes afterwards) then there is no reason not to celebrate. You can have a good time, do it your way and make sure you have the wedding you can be proud of for years to come because it's memorable for all the right reasons. That's what I'm hoping for anyway!

I think it's rare to find a mum without some strong opinions about their daughter's wedding day. In a sense I'm glad my mum's way back in Canada and thus can't have as much input, but she does still chime in with things that sort of put a damper on the whole thing.

I get the sense that your mum isn't a keen believer in the whole 'if you can't say anything nice, you should say nothing at all' approach. Well, I have to say you have two choices that I can see: bow to a few of her suggestions (ones you don't mind compromising on) just to appease her, or if you think she's being too negative all the time, just tell her you are not her and don't involve her with anything, not even letting her know what you picked. She can see it all on the day of the wedding, when she'll be too happy for you to complain (hopefully).

The only nagging I get from my mum is the constant, "that sounds expensive," and "you need a job to pay for this, you know." To which I constantly reply with, "it's not that expensive," and "I'm temping, mum, and applying to every job in my field! it's a *** economy!" But then it happens all over again our next skype call! Sorry, I just wanted to add my two cents on the mum rant front.

Good luck with yours. Who's normal, anyways? I'm sure not, and I don't think I'd want to be, really.

Totally agree with you PhoenixAngelic. I keep getting my previous marriage thrown in my face too, I swiftly change the subject. It really agitates me to think people still live in my past! move on! i have! and stop comparing, it drives me nuts!

An update, we have a photographer coming round tonight, its the third and hes come recommended, the first one is crossed off our list when he emailed on saturday asking whether we have had thoughts regarding our wedding this august the 2nd. we were both annoyed he hadny bothered to note that its next august the 23rd! he said it was an error, he shoukd have checked!! hes too laid back for me, shame as i had liked tha he does a website and i liked the album he showed us! I was getting bad vibes tho. And 2nd, im trying on a dress i really like like the look of, Sottero and Midgeley dress called Katelynn. This will cheer me up! sorry to change the subject!

I know how you all feel! However, at the moment we're not doing too badly.

As others have said i'm including her on decisions that have already been made, not that i think she realizes.

The only sticking points so far are:

- She wants to add some more people to the evening reception. [We're already totally about 130 inc the day people!]

- She says we need to have sugared almonds as favours, because they have a special meaning yet couldnt tell me what that meaning was. I'm hoping she'll forget and i'll just buy what i want!

- She wants me to have fresh flowers, but as the colour scheme is royal blue I think artificial is the way forward then she can keep one. Again, we might be able to compromise on a mixture of real with artificial!

- She added some stuff to our invitations, probably very traditional stuff which we'd over looked.

I know it's our day as the bride etc, but i don't want to spark a huge fallout. I know, despite the pain she causes, she means well deep down! My OH and I are basically, having a good giggle about it and humouring her. Out of the list there's nothing majorly bad yet or anything that i massively disagree, with it's just personal taste. Also, with 1yr 6mnths to go nothing is entirely set in stone - so mum thinks!!

Bless your big heart!

my mum is the same! shes had to pay out for my sisters wedding( this june) as their savings got eaten up in bills and morgage payments. she has a say in everything and is controling my sisters wedding saying who is invited and what flowers they have(although TBF my sister is so embarassed at my parents having to pay she just keeps choosing the minimum and cheapest and my mum is trying to get her to raise her expectations) But now the wedding has turned from an intimate wedding into a bigevent, right up mums street but my sister and her OH are both shy and quiet people who dont like alot of fuss made! mum doesnt listen to my sisters ideas and instead goes for what she says "is for the best" !! i keep trying to reign my mum in for my sisters sake but as i moved away a year ago its hard to get the time to travel up north to see them!

all i keep thinking is i hope to god she doesn't try and control my wedding! i love her too peices but she will be getting the stern word!