Any advice Please? x

Did you say at the outset that they would have to pay?. If not, i can see why she would be a bit annoyed. Her earning more than you is irrelevant.

traditionally, if you ask someone to be BM then you pay for their outfit. If you didnt make it clear when you asked her then i can see why she would be a bit miffed tbh

WCS - I wouldn't expect someone who i'd asked to be bridesmaid to pay for their own dress. I know some bridesmaid's offer but i think if mine had then i'd have said no anyway. If i hadn't had been able to afford to kit out my three bridesmaids with outfits then i wouldn't have had three bridesmaids.

TBH I do think you should be the one to ask her it being your wedding. I wouldn't think of it as her making you beg just that if you are asking someone to pay for something (as claires said would be traditionally paid by you) then it would be better coming from you.

I can see what you are saying but I planned to pay for them from the start and that is why I did not mention it.

But both our parents have asked our sisters to pay to help us. As I say H2b sister said fine, my sister....

So you intended to pay, but now cant. Thats not really your sisters fault.

sorry, i know its not what you wanted to hear but still.....

I must agree with others - the fact that you said you would pay first makes it bit hard to go back on that offer.

Could also cause otherproblems as if you sister is "difficult" at times and both are paying for their outfits- will it be harder to get something they agree on esp if not a traditional bridesmaid dress but something they could wear again!!

Myabe you should bite the bullet look in sales and get bargain dresses that you can afford for them!

Sorry, what?

As I said before I can see what everyone is saying, but I have never said to anyone I would pay in my head I would have paid. My intention has always been to have my sister and friends little and just 2 bridesmaids. This I could have affored with sales dresses or ebay.

I was encouraged or persuaded (hope I have spelt that right) to have my h2b sister, with the statement she would be happy to pay for her dress from h2b mum. I had to have my h2b nephew as something because he is only small, and it was seen as the done thing. On this my Mum suggested my sister should pay for her dress, on which I said do you think she would mind. As this would help us greatly, on which my mum said she can afford you can not.

Payment of the bm dress has been my Mum suggestion all the time, to help to keep costs down and receive family support. I am very grateful to all of them and they are happy with what I decide on I am trying to find something in the sale or have it made ie 2 piece dresses top can be worn again and skirt can be shortned.

I thank you all for your advice it is appreciated.

paying for a BM dress is also the done thing. If you cant afford to pay for things then you shouldnt have asked so many people to be in your wedding party. I dont see what it has to do with your mum, or how she knows what your sister can afford.

To be fair, she hasn't saidshe can't afford it. She said it would help if her sister paid, not that she can't pay. I paid for the dresses and alterations for my three bridesmaids and for their hair. I was happy to do it. If, however, they had paid it would have helped. We'd have been able to have an extra three or four days on honeymoon, for example.

The op said - As I said before I can see what everyone is saying, but I have never said to anyone I would pay in my head I would have paid. My intention has always been to have my sister and friends little and just 2 bridesmaids. This I could have affored with sales dresses or ebay.

i assumed that to mean she now cant afford it. sorry if i misinterpreted what she said, but she also said that she always intended to pay. If she isnt now, then i, again, assumed she couldnt now.

I am not trying to say you have no money etc Fiona, i am trying to give the advice you asked for

Fiona - just an idea but couldnt you get all your BM's together for a coffee (and a cake) and ask them if they would mind helping you with the cost ie maybe a small contribution like £30 towards the dress or ask them to buy their own shoes as long as they fit in with your colour scheme?

I dont think you can ask them to pay for all of it, but I recently asked my BM's to help with costs if they were in a position to and they were really nice about it and offered to each pay £50 towards the dress and do their own make up and hair instead of me getting a pro in to do it. I had been worrying but they were all so lovely about it. Thats £150 that I can now put towards their shoes/dresses/accesories etc

HTH x

Thanks girls,

I apologise if my explanation has caused confusion. It would be a struggle to afford to pay for them, but I would if needed to. As I said I only ever wanted 2 bridesmaids, I have always known I would have my sister as I only have 1. I was pushed and encouarage to have h2b sister, don't get me wrong I get on with he very well. But h2b mum said I should and she would even pay for her dress. So no body would fall out with me I agreed I would ask her to be my 2nd adult bm. As I am close to my mum and talk to her about most things, she suggested my sister should actually pay for her's if h2b sister was paying for hers. As if she was a guest she would be buying a dress anyway and yes she can afford it and myself and my mum know's she can.

With out being funny my sister is a very intelligent person she would not be in the position she is in if she was not. But I always say the more intelligent a person is the less every day common sense they have, I admit I am not as clever as her that is why we are different. I am very subdued and she is very highly strung. If somebody ever asks me to do anything I always offer something or all of it that is me and as I say that why we are so different.

I know she would not hesitate to offer if it was one her friends in this situation! Me and my mum, h2b and step dad know this. It is because I am her sister she likes to make a point of being awkward. An example of this is she lives 2 roads away from me, to contact me she texts or emails I know its the modern world but we are sisters I always call round or ring. As I said we are different, thankfully we all are and that's what makes the world a more interesting place.

I am buying things from ebay and we are searching for cheaper options where we can. My friend spoke to me last night before I could say anything she said we are going to pay for her daughters tell me what you want. We are arranging to look in the next couple of weeks.

As I said I am extremley grateful for there help, and your opinions

x

Fiona - it appears you are trying to please everyone else here. If i were you, i would stick to the 2 BMs you originally wanted. Its your wedding, but yours and H2Bs parents seem to be running the show

Sorry Mel,

I type with out checking if you get my meaning, My sister is awkward basically. I will ask her because I need to I know that, but when I do ask her it will be Yeah Mum did tell me that. But she will never offer, which is fine. But it would nice if she did I suppose.

I'm sorry but unless you said to your sister from the start "I would like you to be a bridesmaid but I'm afraid you will have to pay for your own dress, is thaat OK?" then it is your duty and responsibility to pay. It is nice that other people offered to pay and very kind of them, but the fact that they have offered does not put your sister under any obligation to offer. To me it's a bit like inviting someone around to your house for dinner. Unless you make it clear from the outset that you would like a contribution towards the cost of the meal then it is perfectly reasonable for them expect you to pay for it and to present them with a bill or expect them to pay would be downright rude.

The argument that your sister would have to buy a new outfit anyway is IMHO irrelevant (unless you are going to let her have completely free reign to choose her own bridesmaids dress). If she wasn't a bridesmaid she may choose to wear something she has worn before, she may buy something new but something she knows she can wear again many times, she may borrow something from a friend. She wouldn't be obliged to wear a certain style or a certain colour or to consult you or involve you in anyway in choosing her outfit.

I also think the fact that she earns substantially more than you is irrelevant. As I said if you want to her to be your bridesmaid and you want some input into what she wears you pick up the bill, and if you couldn't afford that you shouldn't have asked her. Unfortunately pretty much everyone planning a weding has to cut back somewhere because of finances. Sometimes people will offer to help out and that's very kind of them. But you have no right to expect it or to request it.

If you want an honest opinion of what you should do, then mine is that you do not ask her for the money and you do not get your mum to ask her for the money. If she offers that's great and give her a huge "thank you" but if she doesn't then I'm afraid this was your mistake not hers and if needs be you will just have to cut back in other areas. Sorry

Thanks Sara,

I never thought of this it's a really good idea just to clarify things and ensure they are happy and if are they willing to help.

x

I don't get the problem. You were only having one BM originally and can afford to buy one dress.

You are now having more, but the extras have volunteered to pay.

So you're still just paying for the original one, aren't you?

If you're saying it's not fair that they pay and your sister doesn't, then I see your point but your only real solution is to insist on paying for all of them.

Alternatively you could tell your sister that they are paying and ask her not to mention that she isn't as it won't seem fair, this could lead to her offering but if it doesn't then that's the end of the road.

I think TillyFloss idea is really good - clever and subtle at the same time !!!

Yeah it is, but all the money is coming out of the same pot then h2b will be like my sister is paying for her's why not your's! Back to square 1 Sorry I just hate asking people to help me with money.

You would not believe I actually work as credit controller chasing money for a living.

Thanks again for you advise, of look at dresses next week my sister is coming 2 so will talk to her then.

x

I always thought that 'traditionaly' bridesmaids always paid for their own dresses? Thats seems to be how it works up here in Aberdeen....

My sister and best friends are paying for their own dresses (I never asked them to thats just how it is)... And I'm paying for my bridesmaid dress when my friend gets married next year. Never really thought anything of it.

Don't really see what the big deal is - they would have to pay for a dress anyway? Maybe you should agree on a budget before you go dress shopping tho?

xx

Hiya,

Just been mums for lunch, said to her maybe if I asked to contribute a small amount, she said all or nothing. Also just what you said as they should pay for it, she never paid for her bridesmaids and that was 37 years ago. I also know that h2b mum has also paid for sil bridesmaid dresses when she was younger.

Will talk to her next Thursday when we go looking at dresses, with mum there to support me. You will hear the bottle blowing were ever you are lol Wish me luck!

x

So i was right, your mum is running the show?

I would like to add that I have plenty of common sense whilst also being very intelligent ?

Seriously though, if you have decided that you want the BMs to pay then just tell her. All this fannying around isn't constructive and will just end up making a mountain out of a molehill.

No further from the truth, allot of things have been booked and organised whilst she was away which are both my and h2b choices. It is our wedding and she is there as a support to me not the organ grinder.

She just know's my sister and know's how to deal with her when she gets one on her. As I said my sister is a 1 off mold, and even though I am older than her she knows how to make my life hell and questions my choices and decissions on all that I do. Even when we bought our house, but as I said we all have faults and she is my sister.

Thanks again, I know what needs to be done and I will let you next week

I would like to add that I have plenty of common sense whilst also being very intelligent ?

Sorry no affence meant I go of my sister actions which are quite interesting on occasion. She blows up at everyone (worst one my mum), does not it account for feelings or everyday situations

No offence taken whatsoever.

It sounds like someone needs to stand up to her. In the nicest possible way, I really do think you need grow a pair and stop letting her trample over everyone. This obviously isn't just about asking her to pay for a dress, it sounds like there are some other issues going on. If she constantly behaves like a spoilt brat then someone needs to give her a reality check.

You got my sister down to a t, my h2b says about time some one gave her a reality check. But on occasion it is really not worth the hassle afterwards. On occasion though I have had to much and I know when we where younger 2 good fights lol When she left home I was still there for another 18 months you know there where no rows unless she called round!

x