Are we being rude?

Your opinion sounds about right to me, how can they concentrate on the event when taking care of a child is a full time thing.

If you aren't having any children at the wedding this becomes a little easier, you just say: sorry no kids, plus you both will have a full schedule for the day anyway.

If you are allowing children it's a bit trickier, but if you're paying your friends wife to take the photos just state the fact that you want her full attention on being the photographer since that's what you're paying her for. If she's doing it as a favour you could kindly offer to help her arrange childcare or give her something towards a babysitter.

But yes, for the photographer at least, tell her you want her full attention on taking the photos and that it's inappropriate to be caring for a small child at the same time.

Few questions:

• is she a paid photographer or just doing you a favor?
• is it a child free wedding?
• was the child invited?

I can understand the worry about people leaving early and a proffesional supply should not bring their family and if she wasnt invited or is child free then they cant just self invite her but im wondering why they are bringing her

but I dont think bridal party should have many 'duties' they are honorees not workers so theres only really the getting ready or ceremony time that might be hard having the child and if the wife is a guest with a camera rather than a proffesional then you cant really ask or expect anything of her

so I think it really depends on your situation

No it isn't a child free wedding, but given what they're doing for the day we didn't expect them to bring their child. Everyone else has agreed with us.

she is doing the photography as their gift to us, but just because they are doing it as a gift doesn't mean they should risk the photos and best man responsibilities, surely?

Its not just that, it's the whole top table placement and then we were planning on staying in the cottage in our venue grounds and we don't think this has a cot or anything, so it's not ideal.

i can see where you're coming from but we just don't feel comfortable with it.

I can't understand why they would want to bring her when they both have such important roles to play! Have they given any thought as to who is going to look after her when the photos are being done or is she just going to be left to run about on her own?! (Can they run at 1 years old?!) It's a bit much if they just expect all the guests to coo and ooh and ahh over her while they're doing their duties! Plus that might not go to plan anyway. She might cry and want her mummy and daddy. I'm not a fan of kids and wouldn't want to be entertaining her while her parents are not around.

Hi,

I think this is tricky situation. If this is your OH best friend then I can understand why they would want to bring their daughter to your wedding however I can also understand that you want their attention to be on your wedding day.

Have you spoken to them and just asked what their plans are for the day? i.e. who will look after the little girl when everyone is getting ready or during the ceremony.

Most photographers I have spoken to during planning our wedding have said that they don't tend to take photos during the meal or stay too late into the evening as people just want to relax so maybe there wouldn't be too much of an issue during the meal or reception. I think maybe you need to speak to them or have your OH speak to his best man just to ask their plans and maybe explain your concern around who will look after their daughter at certain points in the day i.e. when everyone is getting ready, the ceremony, 'photo hour' or during the speeches.

Personally, if it isn't a child free wedding I don't think you can expect them not to bring their daughter if other people can bring their children. You might have to come to some sort of compromise

I hope you get it all sorted out

I don't see how I could possibly shoot a wedding with a 1 year old in tow, how will it work for bridal prep shots or will the child be with the lads getting ready, when I shoot a wedding I am moving a lot and move fast, camera gear, thinking of the shots that are needed, keeping an eye on the weather, and then also looking after a 1 year old's needs would be a bit too much, yes the best man doesn't do all that much in the day apart from a speech and he is the first on hand for any extra things and is involved in more photos than other guests. But generally speaking the kids tend to go for mum if they are upset.

I like to take shots in between the courses as quite often the bride and groom go on a walk about and visit tables which gives me an opportunity to get some extra candid shots.

What about saying to her you want them to enjoy the day and not have the responsibility of having to work, and then you can hire a separate photographer.

The issue is she is not a 'photographer' really, she is a guest with a cemera and I think the OP has incorrectly high expectations of what she is likely to get from this offer

I use to be a photographer (NOT wedding, I mainly did partraits although shadowed a few weddings) and I have offered to do some pictures for a few friends/family who could not afford a wedding photographer however that does not suddenly make me a wedding photographer and does not mean they are going to get 6 hours + editing and £1000s of photography for free like you would from a paid pro

as a guest yes I would take my DS if he was invited and as im only helping out I would take a few ceremony pictures, the signing the register, a few posed pictures, attempt group pictures (I hate huge wedding group picture, so hard to co-ordinate so unlikely to be great) and maybe a few from the reception then put some into a photo book as my gift but I would not suddenly be a free slave all day with lists of pictures to take etc... as a guest doing someone a nice favor so they dont have 'nothing' you really cant push their generosity, comfort or even what they can physically actually do

I think the OP is taking a huge risk and if she is expecting a full wedding package of photography she should hire a proffesional who is paid to work all day not expect a guest to do it all... I can see this is going to end in disappointment already

FYI, my photographer is a professional. She has her own business and does both wedding and portrait, and we both used to work at a photography studio together, so she knows what shes doing.

Plus it was her choice to offer it is a gift, regardless of whether or not she's a friend, I would still expect the required attention as a photographer for my special day. I don't think that's asking too much.

I would suggest from your reaction that you don't really want to know if you are being rude, you really just want people to agree with you.

I think if these people are your friends then you should have their child there. Especially if you would like to continue your friendship. The key thing about a wedding is celebrating love and you think that your friend will take their 'duties' seriously when you have told them not to bring the person they love most with them... I think maybe you should think about love more and duties less and your wedding will be a much nicer day for it imo

Hmm it is an awkward one and I can see both sides. I would maybe broach the subject by having a chat about the logistics with them, go through the day and ask where the child will be and who will be looking after her, especially during the key moments when you would like photos taken or you're hoping for the best man to be doing something in particular. It'll either put your mind at rest if it does seem to work out, or it will flag up to your friends that it's maybe not very logical. I think in order to protect your friendship it might be best to take the logical approach and talk about practicalities, and not focus too much on the emotional side of things.

Hi

No offence meant but I totally disagree with this comment. I think how sticky a wicket you're on depends slightly on how you have worded the invites. This is my second time around - in both this and my first wedding we were specfic as to who was invited i.e. naming the kids if they were invited, and not if not. Plus we mentioned in our booklet 'sorry no kids except close family and friends'. Irrespective of how 'fair' it is that some people have been allowed kids and who haven't, this, in my mind is just blatant cheek to assume your kids are invited - you should check, it's common decency and etiquette. At the end of the day, it's also an additional mouth to feed that you have to pay for - nice of them to assume you had the budget for this...what if everyone else took that attitude?

Not much I can advise that hasn't been done already, but hope you get this sorted without too much fallout.

And by the way I agree that she will be too much of a distraction for the parents....might be different if Daddy wasn't best man.

Why not throw a nasty curveball such as "I'm glad you've been so understanding about uninvited kids not coming" and see how she reacts? If she's still adamant that little one is coming, then say "Well I will have to get another photographer then as your mind won't be on it with little X running about". If she then states Daddy is performing the parent duties, maybe throw in a "Well who's going to be looking after X whilst he's best manning and your shooting photos?" - that might make her realise how selfish and assumptive she's being

M

I didn't mean to come across rude and I wasn't being rude. I did however think that their reply was rude though and some comments weren't necessary. I can see where everyone is coming from and it's definitely a tricky situation. We haven't told them that they cant bring their little one, we just asked how they're going to manage with what they're doing and they've ignored our message.

I guess we'll wait and see if they come back with a plan that will work, otherwise still not comfortable with it.

Thanks for all the replies!

This would backfire royally if you pulled it on me because I would say 'ok book a photographer then' and you then wouldnt be getting any free photos

the guest is being nice, a gift is not required and working the wedding for free certainly isnt... I have had loads of people offer to help then drop out am I mad? no because the offer in the first place was nice and they didnt/dont have too

no guest is going to offer you £1000s of pounds worth of profesional photography, she probably meant she would do a much smaller option and the OP has the wrong end of the stick on what shes getting, she has very high expectations and she going to be disappointed because I garantee the friend is not offering to work all day for free and then spend day/week editing 100s-1000s of photos as a gift

I totally understand your viewpoint, and personally I think that if you want lots of fantastic professional pictures then you should probably hire a photographer who isn't also a guest and who will be being paid to focus on your and your day.

It might be a sensitive thing to discuss with them but if I were you I would approach them and explain that I was a bit concerned because I've had my heart set on lots of pictures and I wouldn't want them to have to stress about splitting their attention between me and their baby (because frankly, if their baby didn't win I would question their parenting!), so I've decided to book a separate photographer etc etc, and position it that you wanted them to be able to enjoy the day as well rather than having to stress about capturing all the key moments while looking after a little one I'm sure they'll understand.

At the end of the day as well, this is your WEDDING, it's a massive day and you'll only be doing it once in your entire life! You want the best that you can get and you want as many memories as possible to be captured. I personally think that, and not worrying about whether somebody else's baby could mar your wedding day would be worth the extra expense.

Good luck anyway, hope you manage to get it resolved!

I wonder if your friend thinks she's doing you a huge favour by taking the photos for you so she may think as she's saving you a lot of money (and herself by not having to buy you an actual gift) that she's perfectly entitled to bring her wee girl along on the day.

The two parents are doing you a FAVOUR - being a best man is a FAVOUR to you it is a HONOUR for you to have him as your best man equal to him as it is for him to be your best man. The photographer is doing you a favour - you dont mention paying her? so I assume a favour. So indeed yes you are being rude. Sorry!

I can see it from both sides but if I had offered to take my best friend's wedding photos as a gift to them I would want to do the best job I could for them and not be distracted by my child while I was doing it. Her husband who is also the best man is pretty much going to be in every photo so while the woman is taking the photos and the the man is in them where does that leave the child?! Running about riot potentially causing havoc, maybe even looking for her mummy and daddy, not understanding that they have duties to carry out, maybe even running in on the photos! I actually think it's quite rude and selfish of them to bring her when they won't be able to give her their full attention and expect other wedding guests to look after her or entertain her while they're off doing their duties.

I wouldn't have went with a friend for a photographer. Main reason being a situation such as this! This could cause a real rift in the friendship if it all blows up.

But on a more positive note, does she use baby carriers? I could easily have worn my children on my back at that age and they would be perfectly happy (& out of the way) and even had a nap or 2 while on my back. Maybe she has intentions of doing similar? Do they have any friends also attending your wedding? Maybe they have asked them to help out with their baby?

I hope it all works out well for you in the end.

Perhaps a conversation long the lines of..."H2b and I were thinking, since you have saved us money on hiring a photographer, we'd like to pay for childcare for the day/ceremony/whatever suits, so that you two don't feel stressed as BM and photographer whilst trying to look after your little one?"

If they aren't keen on the offer of childcare, then perhaps say you want them to be able to enjoy the day and commit to booking a different photgrapher?

Is there a mutual friend at the wedding who could look after their little one?