Asking for money rather than gifts??? How did you go about it, eek!!

We wrote on all the day and evening invitations:

Please can we have money as a gift? Many thanks.

Without spouting my opinion on this topic again, I personally recoil at those poems in invitations. I received my first invitation that included any mention of gifts/money recently and it was a straightforward, unfussy request.

Not "All guests will be required to pay an admission fee of 50 smackers"?

seriously?

That was on the Save The Date cards...

Regular topic, usually gets very heated as many people have strong opinions on the subject. Most seem to agree on disliking money poems though.

We'd rather have cash or Argos vouchers to help us get things we need for our home (or indeed if it's enough, towards a home in the first place), and thought that people are more likely to give smaller amounts we can club together rather than one person buying us a new £200 fridge freezer, for example.

We put the following wording in the back of the invitation booklet, in small print.

"The biggest and most enjoyable present you could give either of us is your attendance at our special day. However if you would like to contribute to either our deposit for a house or some Argos vouchers to help us furnish it once we get it, we will be delighted to accept your gift."

Nobody has phoned up to ask what we want as they don't just want to give cash, so I assume nobody is upset about our request. I'd much rather know my gift is going to be appreciated and used for something the couple want, rather than them writing another awkward thankyou letter through gritted teeth after opening their 15th toaster.

I think if you're up front with people and say "this is what we would prefer, and this is what we're going to do with it" rather than not really specifying what you want to do with it, it will be appreciated.

If you want it as honeymoon spending money, why not ask for gifts in the currency of where you're going instead? For some reason giving $100 doesn't feel as awkward to people as giving you a cheque for £50.

Lizzie - we put a line in our invite that said this -

It is your presence, not your presents, that we would like on our special day, however if you would like to give us a gift, money to make our honeymoon unforgettable would be greatly appreicated. with thanks, the Bride and Groom.

we didnt want a poem as i think if youre going to ask just ask - not worth dressing it up. However, i have had poems in invites before and its never bothered me. In fact i would be surprised now if i got an invite without any gift information in it.

Quite a few people on this forum dont like the idea of asking for gifts, so dont be surprised if you get a few less serious answers.

Thanks! Currency is a really good idea!..I have no problem about being asked for the money when I go to a wedding, it's just hard deciding the most appropriate way to go about it (I've been to a wedding where they put their bank details in the invite and asked for money which I thought was a bit off but at least it was what they wanted!). I totally agree, most people want to give something that is going to be appreciated and I feel like if I set up a gift list for somewhere I'd just be picking things for the sake of it as we don't need anything. I equally wouldn't mind if people didn't give us anything but know the majority will so best to say what you want!

Always a contentious issue anyway!........

The good thing about "holiday spending money" is that any left over at the end of it can be turned back into sterling on your return

Thanks! Another good idea...

Yep, I thought there would be some people who don't like the idea of asking for gifts, each to their own!

FWIW I agree that currency is a nice thing to ask for. We asked for honeymoon money (i.e. will be spent on excursions etc on honeymoon as it's already paid for) but I since wished we'd asked for dollars.

We wrote something along the lines of:

We do not have a gift list, but any presents will gratefully received. The most appreciated gift of all, however, would be a contribution to our romantic honeymoon in the USA.

We put it as the last bit of info in our info sheet and made it small print. I also told mum to tell my more old fashioned rellies that we put it on there for info only and it does not mean we expect anything, or indeed that it should be cash.

There are, particularly the traditionalists, although "proper etiquette" is incredibly confusing.

On one hand, guests expect to give the couple a gift, yet it's apparently considered rude to guide them in what you actually want. It's also considered rude to put a printed gift list (or some other form of request) in the invitations yet it's fine to put a link to your website where the gift list is shown.

On the basis of you can't please everyone all the time, we just did what we felt was right and stuff anyone that whinges!

I'm not sure that "good etiquette" would dictate that a web link is "fine", simply that it might circumvent the far worse etiquette of an outright request. I believe the formal line is that neither would be acceptable in the strictest sense of good manners.

I would also add that "proper etiquette" is not particularly confusing (to me, at least). What confuses people is how much to push those rules

I did not give any info out but if people ask myself or any of the parent we have said money or John Lewis vouchers. If i did not recieve a list or request i would assume people wanted money.

We did 2 gift lists & included a card in our invitation. No item was over £120.00.

We have 175 guests & thats not including evening do guests, well wishers etc.

We only put things on gift list that we want ie nest of tables in next, decent cutlery set etc. Weve lived together for 2 years so have kitchen table, sofa etc but we want to do house up properly now ie put in a pot belly stove, do the upstairs bedrooms up etc.

It appears our lists were not big enough - weve had numerous complaints from people saying there wasnt enough on the lists/ all picked over etc. These people have told us they are giving us money.

So my advice - do out a bit of a gift list so those who prefer to buy gifts as opposed to giving £ can buy a present & it will be something that you want. The rest will give you money or use their own initiative & put thought into a gift.

Hi we have asked our stationary designer to put a very small insert onto one of the cards i think on guest information simply saying your presence is all the present we require however if you wish to purchase a gift a contribution towards our honeymoon will be appreciated our day guests are family and very much our best friends so they already know that we do not want a gift list and my aunt already said she wanted to contribute to our honeymoon, not sure how we are planning to do it yet still got 9 months to think my friend did hers through travel finders a website set up to make payments, she got £1700 on website, $1000 and £70o cash, she was in complete shock at the generosity of everyone she was in tears bless her xx

In most other cultures it's not only normal but expected to give cash only as wedding gifts, and in many places it's actually a big part of the proceedings, I can't remember where but one country guests pin envelopes of cash to the bride's dress at some point during the day.

It seems to only be us Brits that have hangups about asking for or giving cash.

Tghis is what we have put

For those guests who have enquired we do not have a gift list, however, if you would like to give a gift, Argos vouchers or US dollars to spend on our honeymoon would be very much appreciated.

Not seen that prefix used before. I like that phrasing.

OP, I don't think anyone here (regardless of their position on gift lists) has any issue with the bride and groom guiding a guest as to their preference. The issue lies in when and the way that information is given.

I'm a firm believer in waiting to be asked what you'd like, rather than asking for things (regardless of whether that's a gift list, cold hard cash, or even a donation to charity). You are then sure that someone wants to spend some money on you and that they want to ensure what they give you is useful.

When we were asked, we suggested that our guests might like to buy us precious stones. We then sat them (and adjusted their wine quota) according to the grade of said stones and, for those who went off piste, the generosity of their gifts.

Personally, I think the poems are a bit tacky. We didn't mention gifts in our invitations, but it's on our website and we're upfront with anyone who asks - we want a new kitchen so IKEA vouchers or cash is good, we even have a PayPal link on the website!

I got an invite through a couple of weeks ago where the wording was something along the lines of:

"The most special gift you can give us is the pleasure of your company... however we would appreciate a contribution towards our honeymoon. Account number **** sort code 01-02-03 bank HSCB"

Which I thought was a tad brazen...

We're being totally honest and putting this message into our invitations, because after having worked it out we will be a bit short on spends. Not so clever seeing as we're going self-catering!

'If anyone is wondering why we don't have a gift list, it is because there is nothing we need. However, wedding planning has not been cheap and it has left us a little short on money for our honeymoon. If you would like to contribute then some Euros would make the perfect gift and be much appreciated!'

Thought it seems much better than putting it a naff poem that half the people will look at and discard immediately on principle!

?

Reminds me of the bride who said she was going to print off her gift list on the morning of the wedding so she'd know how to speak to people on the day!

What will you do, KV? Make a contribution through gritted teeth, buy them a gift, or option c of your choosing?

This example is why I absolutely HATE reading on here 'oh, well, no one has said our request was rude' - just because people have had the good grace not to point out something might be rude, cheeky or however you grade things, doesn't mean what you have done is socially acceptable. Gah! Punch your pals in the face for me, will you?

#Feelingtheragetoday

To be completely honest, until I starting planning our wedding i never gave it a second thought. I wouldnt have noticed if I got an invite with gift information in it or not...I really wouldnt worry about it too much! Its only when planning your wedding and asking for opinions that you start thinking about the minutae.

Just go with what you feel! x

Your day, your choice etc. But I'd respond fairly, erm, negatively to this. Not only are you asking for money (which is your personal preference) but you are obligating me to contribute so that I don't feel guilty about eating the dinner you have provided. Sorry to be blunt.

The thing is, I don't mind people asking for money in invites, I really don't...

what I thought was funny about the that invite was the fact that they say that they don't expect anything, then give their bank details which is totally contradictory.

We had 2 invitations last year with something along those lines in (inc bank details) and I didn't think anything of it. However, both of these brides were relatives of mine, so maybe my whole family is a tad brazen ?

To the OP - have any of your guests been married recently? I was embarrassed about asking for items from our gift list until I remembered that most of our guests had included a gift list or request for honeymoon money in their invitations when they got married and so they were unlikely to be offended by me doing the same.

Times 2.

Don't care about what anyone thinks really. We're not having 100s of guests for the sake of it and inviting every tom, d*ck and harry we know. Everyone coming we know very well and it's nothing they wouldn't expect. They know we have a tiny budget and the fact that the 'dinner' they will be eating is a greasy finger buffet included in the £300 all-in reception cost is testimony to that.

Good for you. Was just thinking if the bit about going over budget (the second sentence) was necessary? Why not just ask for honeymoon money?