Awkward Bridsmaid, should she be a guest?

Wow she sounds like she's being very selfish . I would just say to her obviously you really don't feel comfortable with the whole bridesmaid thing . I would much prefer it if you where comfortable and just came as a guest to the day x

Wow! Sounds very selfish to me! If i was in your position I would say to her you obviously have no interest in being my bridesmaid therefore I'd like you to be a guest instead!

Hmm it's a tough one because if it is money then just paying for her to attend the hen do she'll still need spends.

Also did I get from that that she is buying her own dress? personally I think that's a bit out of order but I'm of the opinion that if you ask someone to be your bridesmaid you should be paying for their outfit etc.

I think you need to talk to her about it. Unless you've been in the boat of being short of cash it's difficult to understand just how tight things are

I don't think asking someone to buy their own dress is out of order. I did for my sisters wedding and my sister and my other bridesmaid whenever they've been bridesmaids in the past have always bought their dresses.

I've told them to but what ever they like, i'm having no input. I've told them to buy what they'd wear again. I'm only going shopping with them as they are worried about getting the wrong colour which again I don't really care about. I've been told I'm being too chilled about the dresses and need to give them more direction (although this hasn't come from my bridesmaids) but to be honest if i'm not paying (which the other two are fine about, I was upfront when I asked them all) I don't feel I have the right to tell them what to buy. The £60 dresses they are looking at are their choices not mine.

Surely if she had to be 'talked into' being your bridesmaid than it is clear she is not comfortable with it? I would speak to her and say you realise that she is feeling pushed into it and that you will understand if she just wants to be a guest. As for her girls being flower girls, I am pretty sure that most flower girls don't have their mums as bridesmaids as well.

The stuff about not coming to hen do is disappointing but maybe it is to do with the fact that you have not listened to her feelings? I know I would not want to put myself out for someone who appeared to be ignoring my feelings. (even if they did offer to pay)

I hope you get it sorted,

It does sound like you are expecting a lot from her money wise from that original list, and if you had to convince her to say yes in the first place it seems as though any decisions regarding money will be difficult.

I would focus on actually having her there for the day, which would wearing a dress and turning up on the day. I wouldn't have expected my BM to buy her own dress but as you have said this seems common in your circle. All the other things you mentioned sound expensive, even if you were to pay the £200 for the hen, there would be other costs associated with it, and if she is already stressed about it will just seem worse to her.

I would keep her as a bridesmaid, pay for her dress and only ask that she be there to support you on the day. If you downgrade her to a guest this could spell the end of your friendship.

Are you expecting as your bridesmaid she pays for not only her dress and hen do (I also disagree witb buying your own dress, no matter how un-bridesmaid it is I would never wear it again as to me it becomes bridesmaid dress) but she also pays for the hotel even if discounted, the meal and the spa? I think if this is the case then you are out of order. I didn't expect anyone to stay in the hotel with us as it was expensive and a taxi is usually always cheaper. The wedding is about the couple its not a priority to everyone else you can't dictate how people spend their money.

Also as someone who has been a bridesmaid 4 times I really enjoyed finally being able to go to a wedding as a guest. Maybe she just doesn't want to do it. In which case you need a grown up conversation so as not to ruin the frfriendship.

In regards to the things that cost I'd be happy for her to do the free things like get ready with me in the morning, or get on the mini bus with the other bridesmaids so I at least know she is at the venue. I'd even settle with a few drinks with me in the hotel room the night before, just something to show she cares its my wedding like i'd care when its her's.

In regards to the hotel she lives in Yorkshire and I'm in Bristol where the wedding is. I forgot to mention I offered her my house for free to stay in as I wont be using it. She turned me down and said she'd perfer a hotel, so I used the wedding card and got her a cheap family room in the same hotel (not the one I'm in) that all other guests are using. and believe me with Bristol prices I've got her a good deal. She still hasn't confirmed the booking and they asked for no deposit, just confirmation she would be using the room. This was arranged 4 months ago.

I feel I'm offering everything I can to make it easy for her. I get SPA's meal etc cost and no I don't expect her to do everything but just something would be nice.

I think the dress is a matter of opinion.

Dont want to seem rude but she clearly doesn't want to be your bridesmaid... you had to talk her in to it then she probably felt bullied into saying yes, everyone saying she is being selfish but if she said she didnt want to then forcing her is selfish - shes letting you know she does not want to so it would be better for everyone to just let her off the hook

Hi, From the sounds of it, she would prefer to be a guest. It's awful when money is tight and it wouldn't be fair to expect her to pay for a hotel at discounted rate, hen do, or dresses etc, when it sounds like she is trying to be sensible and save her cash for important things eg, heating, food, school uniform etc. She has two children to think of so I totally underatsnd her pov. I think she would thank you for being so thoughtful if you speak kindly to her and ask her if she would prefer to be a guest instead...you can ask her to a reading if that would be appropriate, so she could still contribute, just not with her money.