Better off dead? (Sens)

I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation. 50s is so young.

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What Zebra said. ?

That's so sad, and noone could blame you for thinking like you do...i bet any of us would feel the same if it was our parent. ?

Your thought process sounds anything but cold you sound like a very distressed daughter who loves her father very, very much. I think that in trying as hard you you have to see him through rehab and loving and caring for him as you clearly do you are doing your very best. Although your dad is not outwardly responding he may well still feel and know this. I hope that you have some good support for you and your family.

I felt the same with my father and he wasn't as bad as you describe. He'd stopped being the intelligent, witty, loving man he'd always been and basically lost his mind at the end of his fight against Prostate Cancer.

I felt he had 'died' long before his body stopped working. I can completrely understand the guilt involved in wanting the suffering of someone you love and respect to end.

I can't give you answers about what you can do but for what it's worth, I've been where you are and, in my opinion, the way you feel is natural ?

?I think how you feel sounds completely normal and not at all cold. You don't want to see your father suffer and you want to ensure he has a good quality of life. It's so difficult being in that situation, you're also suffering and you feel selfish for wanting it to come to an end. You can't mourn someone who's still alive but at the same time they're no longer quite the person you knew.

Do you know what the prognosis is? I'm sure your father still knows you love him even if he can't communicate it right now.

Does he need to be in a hospital or can he go to a nursing home? Nursing homes can be much nicer places than hospitals, he will still be fed / changed / washed but it may be possible for him to sit out in special padded wheelchairs which will give him added stimulation.

Has he seen a dietitian about his weight loss?

is he turned in bed regularly to prevent pressure sores.

One of the things you can do for him is to keep talking to him, when you run out of things to say then read to him. It may seem like nothing is going in but even if there is a small chance that there is, then surely that's a chance you need to take.

Is he having physio in bed? Just moving his arms and legs to prevent them seizing up.

I do understand how you feel, although I'm on the nursing side. I have looked after people and told them that it's ok to let go and stop fighting. It's heartbreaking for staff so must horrendous for loved ones.

You don`t sound cold at all. my dad went through a similar thing (he was 55), and when he woke up blind one day (retinal detachment), that was it. It was the thing he`d dreaded the most, and it was just horrible. He died over 4 years ago and I still have nightmares that he`s still alive and still stuck in the hospital, blind and paralysed and I wake up relieved that its a nightmare, so it`s perfectly normal to not want someone to suffer. thinking of you ?

I understand where you are coming from, and I'm so sorry for what has happened. I'd recommend getting in touch with the Stroke Association, they should be able to put you in touch with more specialised resources and support.

Make sure that you get some support too, its so difficult to watch a loved one go through anything like this

Thinking of you x

I'm so sorry CV, how devastating for you all. The strokes sound catastrophic.

There's a cliical trial due to start this year in Glasgow assessing the benefits of stem cells on stroke patients - I don't know if your dad would be eligible or if it's even something you'd consider, but the details are here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7795586.stm

Hi Cherry Valance,

I know exactly how you feel, my father had a stroke when I was 16 (15 years ago). He was paralysed, lost his speech and exactly as you describe couldn't do anything for himself. The most frustrating thing was he knew exactly who we were and what was happening around him - he just couldn't do anything.

Fortunately he only last 52 hours after that. I say that because I couldn't imagine his life after this. He loved the outdoors, walking the dogs & gardening and also playing the piano none of which he was able to do and he knew that. I do believe if he had survived he would have wanted to die because of sheer frustration.

I miss him terribly and not a day goes by without me thinking of him. But, I'm glad he didn't survive for his sake.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't feel guilty for the way you feel. You are normal in not wanting him to suffer and feeling frustrated for him.

If you want someone to chat to just drop me a line ?

Please have a ?

Not at all the same, but my grandfather has just died (simply of old age) but the whole family felt so helpless towards the end watching his pain and suffering. I know that, although it sounds awful, my mum and grandmother were wishing him a speedy death as it's unbearable to see someone you love suffer like that.

As others have said, there are support organisations out there, so please don't feel totally despondent (sp?) and I'm sure what you're feeling is a normal and natural reaction.

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I completely agree with Keef. I think I'd feel the same if it was somebody I loved. I'm glad that there are other people on here who have been where you are* (I haven't.) Please take support from knowing that what you're feeling is totally natural, and there are people that can help you. ?

* - Glad that there are people who can give better advice than me. Sorry to anybody who has been in this situation. I can't imagine how horrible it must be.

My Grandad had a stroke a couple of months ago. He was always a very active man, and very independant, he was only in his 70's. As soon as my dad heard about the stroke he left England to be with his father. Like your dad he was left paralysed and unable to speak and for him (grandad) that was unbearable. He refused to stay in the hospital and the whole time he was there he was miserable, to the point my parents took him home 2 days after the stroke. Unfortunately my grandad died 2 weeks ago, but in the words of my dad it was the best thing that could have happened. My dad said that he'd wake the whole household during the night screaming in frustration and crying and my dad would cradle him as though he was the child and try to comfort him.

It got to the point he was unable to eat and was tube fed, so when he got a chest infection he wasn't able to take antibiotics. As he was being cared for at home they tried crushing the tablets to give to him with water, but he was unable to keep it down and bought it all back up. The next day he was gone. I think he just gave up and like my dad said, it was the best thing that could have happened. He was such a vital man that there's no way he could have continued to live the way he was.

I hope that this can help you in some way.

? I know exactly how you feel. My grandfather (kind of like a dad, as he looked after me when i was young as my dad was seriously ill in hospital) had a stroke 4 years ago, he was laid in a bed not being able to move for 3 years. They didnt know if he could see or hear, he smiled every so often. He was just a body after his stroke. Unfortunately he survived for 3 years after it. My grandmothers life was put on hold while he was ill and it dragged her health down with it. I hope you are ok, and i want you to know that you aren't the only person to have thought that it may be better for him to die. I hated visiting my grandfather as i knew it wasn't really him. My grandfather eventually went to a nursing home which was very (ridiculously) expensive, something that he could afford and we wanted the best for him, but knew he would have gone mad if he saw the bill! The only thing we did that made his 'life' better was by sending him to the best home there was. And to not only visit him often and touch him, but to be there for my grandmother. After all she is the one who was really suffering.

I hope that you don't remember him as he is now, but remember him as he was.

? ? ? I'm here if you ever need a chat. x

? I know exactly how you feel. My grandfather (kind of like a dad, as he looked after me when i was young as my dad was seriously ill in hospital) had a stroke 4 years ago, he was laid in a bed not being able to move for 3 years. They didnt know if he could see or hear, he smiled every so often. He was just a body after his stroke. Unfortunately he survived for 3 years after it. My grandmothers life was put on hold while he was ill and it dragged her health down with it. I hope you are ok, and i want you to know that you aren't the only person to have thought that it may be better for him to die. I hated visiting my grandfather as i knew it wasn't really him. My grandfather eventually went to a nursing home which was very (ridiculously) expensive, something that he could afford and we wanted the best for him, but knew he would have gone mad if he saw the bill! The only thing we did that made his 'life' better was by sending him to the best home there was. And to not only visit him often and touch him, but to be there for my grandmother. After all she is the one who was really suffering.

I hope that you don't remember him as he is now, but remember him as he was.

? ? ? I'm here if you ever need a chat. x

I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad.

My OH had a massive stroke at the age of 47. If he had ever regained consciousness, he probably would have had no quality of life - he would have been that badly brain damaged and pretty much like your Dad is now. Even though I miss him with all my heart and will never stop missing him, I would not have wished that existence on anyone. You don't sound cold at all, it's heart breaking seeing someone in that state. You just feel so helpless. I think that all you can do is try to give him all the love you can, make his existence as comfortable for him as you can and let nature take its course. In your mind you can hope that (for his sake) he doesn't last long (and he won't know that you think this way), and to be honest, if he's bedridden like that, pneumonia may well be one of the things that may be round the corner. And I hope that I'm not being insensitive by saying this. I don't mean to be and its now been nearly 18 months since my OH died and I have enough distance now between it happening and now to be able to think coherently (for at least 30 seconds).

Hope you're OK. Take care. ?

Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to reply. I am in work and getting very upset so I wont give a full reply now,but will check back again.

Thanks again.

((((hugs)))) from me too. My grandad had a stroke when I was 21 (13 years ago). He was 80 but had still been working 1 or 2 days in the week or so beforehand. He was very independent and the stroke paralysed him down one side. It broke my heart to see him like that, and even more so when he cried out of frustration that he couldn't speak even though he knew what he wanted to say. During the week following his stroke he did start to improve, but then caught pneumonia and died 2 days later. To be honest, I really think it was best for him. He would have hated being dependent on anyone. I too felt horrible for thinking that, and still do a little bit I suppose.

All the best for you, your Dad and your family. It's a very hard situation, but try and be reassured that how you're feeling is normal. X

Dear C-V,

My dad died almost 2 years ago from cancer and his last few days were spent pretty much in a coma as he had to have so much morphine to relieve his pain. The last time I saw him conscious it almost broke my heart, he was an incredibly active man and it has taken me this long to get rid of the picture of him in my mind reduced to a husk of a human being sat in a chair unable to even take a drink on his own and to remember him as he really was. We spent the last days of his life hoping that he wouldn't last long, not for our sake but for his.

I think the only thing you can do is speak to your dad's doctors and find out realistically what are his chances of any kind of recovery. You don't want your dad to die but you don't want him to suffer and that isn't being cold that is being human.

Just make sure that you tell him that you love him and talk to him as much as you can - he may not be able to hear but there is every chance that he can.

My heart goes out to you and if there is anything I can do, even if it is jsut be at the end of an interenet forum, please PM me.

A