Big bridesmaid problem please help!

It's a difficult one really. I think bridesmaids should be at the hen do but if its £70 for accomadation there must be other costs as well? Travel, drinks and food, daytime activities? Or is it all included in the £70. For the girls attending my whole weekend it is only costing them £65 for the hotel for 2 nights and race tickets, but once u add on the spending money it will be nearer £165 or more if the spend a lot on drinks.

I had mine split into bits so people are coming to what they can afford. I can also kind of understand that people shouldn't have to put their own lives on hold to save for my hen do.

I think you have to be prepared for the fact that if you unbridesmaid her the friendship is probably over. It might be a better option to talk to her about how it has made you feel. I went through a phase with one of my bm's where we grew apart and I was regretting asking her, but we sat down and hashed it out and now we are really close again.

The role of a bridesmaid is not to go to the hen do.

if she can't arrange her life so she can go then its her loss. She will be alienating herself. £70 is not a silly amount of money.

Try to let it go and have fun.

Dont kick her off being a bridesmaid that's harsh.

Sit down have a chat with her face to face tell her you want to come and then leave the ball in her court.

Did your BM say yes to Hen do/costs/location etc before you booked it? That is so important.

I'm organising my best friend's hen do for 17 girls. and made sure each girl knew the costs of accommodation for a weekend, and an estimate of activities cost, food costs etc, so that each hen was aware and so able to make an informed choice.

This is clearly upsetting you and I can totally see why. But at the end of the day, she is going to miss out on a fab hen weekend so try and see it as her loss and just enjoy the weekend with your other friends who are making the effort to save and go.

Yes she was aware of the costs, but she says her situation has changed. Which again I understand. I'm trying to replace her on the hen do to minimise cost exposure for me. This will soften the blow.

It's just really hard I think because of the pressure I am feeling from my friends and family. It is so easy for them to say bin her, but she has been one of my best friends for years and I don't want to lose that.

Thank you for your replies it has really helped me. I have decided she is to remain. What she has done regarding the hen do I think is out of order but that wasn't the reason I asked her to be a bm. I have text all the others but I am waiting for a reply. I just hope they will understand.

I am trying not to be a bridezilla at all and be understanding of everyone's situation. I like to keep every happy as that makes me happy.

again thank you. Having people who are not involved discuss the situation has been just what I need. I hope I can help you guys if you ever need it.

If she was aware of the costs, and she said yes, and then has changed her mind, leaving you liable for the costs, then I think that is a really poor friend/bm. Even though her situation has changed, she's willing to let you potentially pay her costs? I think that's pretty awful of your friend. No wonder you feel very badly let down.

I have had the same problem and I think it's completely out of order. Take away for a second the fact that it is your hen do, or mine, and you were just organising any kind of trip for a weekend away. If someone knows the cost and still says they were in, they should be liable for any costs even if they pullout. Why should you have to pay? That said, what your talking about is a long friendship being lost for seventy quid. If someone is a good enough friend to be BM perhaps just give her the place, especially if you can't sell it anyway. I did that with mineand she still knocked me back, so I'm fuming.

What did you do?

i agree she should pay the £70 but I know she can't. And the change of circumstances is something that should have been expected . It's not horrible or emotional.

Just found out she went out drinking last night. She lives in London so go figure on the cost.

i don't want her to not have a life and I don't believe lives should be out on hold but I am only going to do this once. I suppose I'm just dissapointed.

My other bridesmaids are still saying I'm wrong and should get rid. The reason they don't like her is a fairly serious one but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt.

She's my FSIL. I've got to suck it up, I can't be falling out with the FIL. I think it was her Mum and Dad that told her to pull out anyway so she can deal with her debt problem. Just wish they'd done it three weeks earlier before I'd booked it.

Is something else going on with her? Has she fallen out with someone in the group? Is she having second thoughts about being your BM? Does she feel neglected by you in the midst of all your wedding fever?

It strikes me that this might well not really be about the money. It might be that for whatever reason she doesn't feel comfortable any more, and the money is an excuse. Can you get some of your other BMs to do a bit of digging and see what's going on with her? If she's part of your group of friends I'm sure the others will all want her to be there too!

I am sure it must feel horrible to see her prioritising other things, but I would suggest not going too hard on her or sacking her immediately, and try to find out what exactly is going on.

For me, if a friend was content or indifferent to leaving me liable for £70 on her behalf, after she had let me down, I would think that they could not be a true friend. I wouldn't do that to anyone, let alone a friend. I probably wouldn't bother trying to ascertain if there is anything wrong, but I have extremely limited patience if I think I am taken advantage of, financially or otherwise.

I was unable to afford a hen do when I was BM. It was all the other costs along with the main amount. However the bride booked it knowing full well and I wouldn't have left her out of pocket. Have you spoken to her directly about any potential issues that might be underlying?

I have to agree with claire, she sound like a lousy friend to me. i wouldnt put up with it at all

I can completely understand why you would feel miffed, because it feels hurtful when you think someone has let you down. But as someone who has been away for 3 friends hen-dos, and knowing they would NEVER do that for mine (each cost me about £1000 in the end), I have to say that I think you should let it go.

It's her money and if she wants to spend it another way and not on your hen do then that's up to her. You cannot resent her for that. The fact that you want to go away for your hen do is your choice, and not hers. Why should she have to give up her own little luxuries that she enjoys in life for your hen do?

She will be the one missing out on it, and not in the photos etc. That's her choice and her cross to bear. Just smile sweetly, and say that it's a shame she can't come, but that you understand. Do you really want someone there who you know is resenting every penny spent? Probably not. Take the higher ground, and safe in the knowledge that she isn't talking about you behind your back saying how unreasonable you are making her spend money and do somehting she doesn't want to. You will feel better for it, and will seem like the better person.

And rem=ember when her turn comes if you have children, or other financial commitments, you can safely say that you don't have to go to it, or spend an excess of money if you don't want to with absolutely no guilt whatsoever.

Hi ladies! I thought I should come and give you all an update.

thank you all for your messages, it really has been a tough one. I have taken on board everything from you and the people around me and I decided this weekendto ask her not to be a BM. Basically she has no money (I believe her - the other BMs don't) and my wedding isn't going to be a cheap affair. I have told her I still want her to be a massive part of the day and we will ensure she has free accommodation at my parents and the money I would have spent on her hair, bag etc will go behind the bar for her and I am going to cover her share if the hen do with the dress. She understood and I hope it was a relief to her not having to worry about the duties of a BM when she clearly has enough money worries as it is.

I know this may seem very harsh and you may judge me for my decision but I believe I have done right for me. I did for about a week decide she would continue as a bridesmaid, but this didn't make me happy. I'm not saying her not being did, but I felt a weight had been lifted.

i love this girl to bits but I appreciate there is other stuff going on in her life that she needs to prioritise, but this year my wedding is my priority. I still inted on making her a special part of the wedding that does not cost her or put her under pressure... Ad does not cost me.

i understand it is likely this issue is not over and after a number of drinks it will probably rear it's ugly head. I am ready to deal with this face on and prepared to accept the consequences of my actions.

pagain, thank you so much for all your help and advice and I hope all your weddings are special and amazing as you all deserve. I hope one day I will be able to help you too... Although I don't wish a problem on you lol!

Hi ladies! I thought I should come and give you all an update.

thank you all for your messages, it really has been a tough one. I have taken on board everything from you and the people around me and I decided this weekendto ask her not to be a BM. Basically she has no money (I believe her - the other BMs don't) and my wedding isn't going to be a cheap affair. I have told her I still want her to be a massive part of the day and we will ensure she has free accommodation at my parents and the money I would have spent on her hair, bag etc will go behind the bar for her and I am going to cover her share if the hen do with the dress. She understood and I hope it was a relief to her not having to worry about the duties of a BM when she clearly has enough money worries as it is.

I know this may seem very harsh and you may judge me for my decision but I believe I have done right for me. I did for about a week decide she would continue as a bridesmaid, but this didn't make me happy. I'm not saying her not being did, but I felt a weight had been lifted.

i love this girl to bits but I appreciate there is other stuff going on in her life that she needs to prioritise, but this year my wedding is my priority. I still inted on making her a special part of the wedding that does not cost her or put her under pressure... Ad does not cost me.

i understand it is likely this issue is not over and after a number of drinks it will probably rear it's ugly head. I am ready to deal with this face on and prepared to accept the consequences of my actions.

pagain, thank you so much for all your help and advice and I hope all your weddings are special and amazing as you all deserve. I hope one day I will be able to help you too... Although I don't wish a problem on you lol!

I had a whole reply ready to type whilst reading this thread, before I saw the update. Too late now...but one word of advice for you would be to think long and hard as to exactly why you've chosen the girls you have to be your bridesmaids, what you expect from your friendships, and that your wedding is just one day and is pretty low down on most other peoples list of priorities

I think you are right ravioliruby. It is unfortunate and I have been so upset by the situation. It's made harder than she lives 300 miles from me, so I can't just sit down and have it out has to be over the phone, which isn't the same. I am going to move on and hope we can both carry on with out friendship, however I have concerns.

wow they are very lucky! It must make your life easier too

I'm a bit late to this and it sounds like you feel you've done the right thing which is good.

I'm curious though, what are your bridesmaids paying for that she won't have to pay for as a guest as you mention the dress, hair and makeup were paid for?

Jewellery and shoes. And the others want to come up for a dress fitting. I've not said the girls have to wear any specific shoes or jewellery or that they have to come for a dress fitting... But I think she was under a lot of pressure from the others to have the same as them. They have also said they will come up a few days early so it will save her having time off work. I know all this isn't much but it does add up and it removes a lot of stress and worry from her I suppose