BIL's Girlfriend **BT**

You can't. Bare minimum of politeness coupled with narrowed eyes and a patronising smirk.

Wow she sounds horrific.

If it's just him coming round then I guess you just need to listen to him. Whilst what is happening may appear to be a series of stupid choices they are his stupid choices. All you can do is get ready to pick the pieces back up. I'd state my concernst to him but don't push it if he doesn't want to hear it (very possible if he is excited about a potential baby). With her, well I would probably avoiding seeing her unless absolutely necessary and then just do the bare minimum to get along.

FTLOMB has a good point re Jezza.

Good luck and yes we are here if you need to vent.

I have no advice. It sounds horrific but can you please put 'BT' in the title of this thread? Thank you.

She sounds a charmer.

Well, there's not a lot you can do about their relationship. But I'd say cut her a little slack - she came from an abusive relationship and is probably desperate for some validation. Faking illnesses (and as someone who's had a miscarriage, it's hard to understand why anyone would want to fake that) obviously comes from a place that's starved of attention, and in using violence she's probably copying the way her ex controlled her and stopped her leaving. When women engage in misandrist behaviour like being violent towards men, they're pretty much just aping their oppressors. It's difficult as you're not in a situation to encourage her to get help, but that's clearly what she needs. Maybe if you paint it that way to your BIL he will realise that she's not in a good place emotionally, rather than going on the defensive cos he sees it as just you disliking her (I suspect he'll be blind as to the good reasons you have!) I dunno what he'll want to do, but..it might be a start.

This!! And she does sound like a stoater!

So, he came round last night and we had a chat.

Ive been pretty honest with him and told him that I dont know how I feel about it all but that if he is happy, then im happy for him.

He also brought round a scan picture and the dates do tie up so I didnt mention my concerns about it being his.

Ive told him that I'll stand by him on any decisions that he makes but I may not be overjoyed by them

My H2b isnt so calm (not sure thats the right word, because im certainly not calm) about it all but understands that if he doesnt go with it, then he'll risk falling out massively with his brother because it seems that if BIL had to choose between her and us, he'd pick her.

Now I've just got to deal with seeing the GF, which I dont know when we'll happy. I think this is going to be the hardest bit of all.

Thanks for your replies ladies and support. Yes I do think she needs help but its not for me to say, I spoke to BIL about him saying something but aparently he's tried and shes not listening.

Of course she's not listening. If she can do all of that to him and he still goes back to her, she's got him wrapped around her little finger.

It's not easy seeing someone you care about being treated badly but all you really can do, as you've said yourself, is be there for him. Keep contact to a minimum and don't let her ruin yours and your OH's relationship with him.

What does * BT mean?

Baby talk

Baby Talk...not everyone wants to see / read / discuss babies here (thats what mumdrum is for) and it might upset people reading it without being forewarned.

She sounds like a looney and your brother clearly want to see the good in her...we all have to make our own mistakes in life. But its harder when theres a permanent link like a child involved. You just have to put up with her whilst letting your brother know you are there for him no matter what.

Def agree with DNA test suggestion!

A ah thanks x

If he's happy to go back to someone who's lied to him and is violent towards him, do you think he'd be open to the idea of a DNA test? Somehow I doubt it.

Rereading the replies (including my own), I can't help thinking that the advice would be far stronger were the sexes reversed. If this was a female subject to extreme emotional abuse in a violent relationship, I think we'd be recommending Womens Aid, logging with poluce and so on.

That's so true. But you can't make the victim do anything either way - if they don't want help you can't make them get it. Someone recently said to me about the fact I didn't report my assault (which was 9yrs ago): "well just report it now then." If only it were that simple - they knew nothing about my feelings or the situation at the time. I had my reasons for not reporting (and continuing to see the perpetrator in social situations), even if looking back they weren't particularly healthy.