Bit of a MIL2B-related rant

Tell her yes and then 'accidentally' forget it on the day ?

What does your H2B think about it? She emailed him so while obviously you make the decision together, he needs to be the one to field this.

Are you having a bogstandard DJ? Is it well known to your MiL to be whether specific requests like this are feasible in practical terms? I ask because you could easily just brush it off with a non-commital "Well, we'll see if the DJ has it" then just "accidentally" forget as you have so much to think about with the wedding, it slipped your mind. Oops.

Haha great minds, Saisi ?

Normally I would say yes, but I know she won't forget it!!!! And yes, it is a bog standard DJ.

Yes, I think my H2B should be the one who responds. I feel I want to make a point to her now about it being our day, because like I said, this is certainly not the first thing she has done / said!

She is also like this in our day to day lives, and I know she'll be the same when we have children, so I want to make it clear to her now, using this example, that we need to live our own lives, and whilst we very much want them in it, we need to make our own decisions etc. I already put a song on the evening playlist that I know her and her husband love, so whilst I don't REALLY want to placate her in any way (as she'll be all smug about that too), I suppose we ought to mention that when we tell her we don't want Elbow played as it's no skin off my nose. x x x

Obviously we're only hearing about this one thing, and on its own it doesn't sound like a huge imposition. Lots of people request songs for the evening and there's nothing stopping her walking up to the DJ in the evening and asking for it.

Just tell her you've put the request in with the DJ, whether you actually do or not is up to you, requests can always get "lost".

Tell her to request it from the dj on the day. Then tell the dj that if he plays it you won't pay him! lol

Hi

One thing my friend said to me when I got engaged was "Pick your battles" and believe me I now totally understand what she means.

I have been told "no" to so many suggestions and it's really frustrating. Not only that but when I have made suggestions I have been told "Yeah it's nice but how about this instead". Sometimes I just want to jump up and down and scream "WHO'S WEDDING IS THIS!!".

I think you should talk it over with your other half and if he doesn't think it's a great idea he should just say to his mum something along the lines of "ha ha that's a bit odd, dedicating a song to my dad on my wedding day....surely I should be dedicating a song to my new Mrs" and brush it off and change the subject. Either that or he can just go in with "I think it will offend the other parents if they don't have songs dedicated to them as well" or "it's not really in keeping with the upbeat music we wanted played" or "Maybe at the end of the night when things are winding down but we were going for party songs rather than slow dances"....

Hope this helps :o)

Yes, Vintage84, I know it sounds really silly on its own...and I would be more than up for song requests, but I find it odd that she wants it played for her husband...why not pick a song my fiance loves and have it dedicated to him?! She LOVES to make things about herself. I am completely up for somg requests, but that song is really slow and depressing, and it's purely about herself. I realise I am coming across terribly, so please don't judge me for this, she just pushes my buttons! x

I understand it annoying you if its just another thing out of a whole pile of issues.

I would actually do this request. Its not that big a deal & honestly on the night itself I doubt you'll even notice whether it got played or not. I remember giving our band a list of songs I wanted to hear & I remember hearing some of them but others I didnt - I was maybe at the loo, talking to someone leaving in the lobby etc.

ETA

If she actually wanted it formally announced ie ' this is a song for the grooms dad' I'd tell her where to stick it. Its one thing wanting to hear a song on a day that is also special for them but not to make it about them.

Honestly, I think you're overreacting a bit about this particular thing. It's a song, and there is nothing to stop her requesting it herself on the day.

I think you should respond telling her if she wants it, she can ask for it on the day.

I don't think you are over reacting at all - it's a really slow first dance type of song, and i agree that the only slow songs that are played should be ones that are special to / chosen by the couple. No dj in his right mind would put that on during the dancing, it would totally kill the mood. They must have heard it on the olympics closing ceremony last night and decided to ask for it in the wedding, but I personally would tell them politely to get lost!

(This is actually one of my favourite songs by the way, lol! We're having it during the ceremony though)

I don't think your over-reacting. I would honestly tell her that it's your special day, and she had the opportunity to request it at her anniversary party.

I don't think you are overreacting either, the music is so important at a wedding and sets the tone for the whole day. I would just say outright that it is too slow and you do not like it! She sounds like she is being a bit pushy and selfish. I would be mad too!

Thank you girlies...I know it must sound semi-pathetic, but it is a principle thing because she has done many selfish things and I'm worried it's going to set a precedent. You're all amazingly helpful as ever. x x x

Couldnt you just say 'No I hate that song'? Thats what Id do!

I'm all up for telling your mil to butt out but do be careful, after all she's going to be around for a long time!! I wouldn't lead with "no you can't have Elbow and by the way you're being really interfering" because she'll think you're nuts. I think youve got to have a long conversation with your oh & tell him how you feel. If he knows what his mum can be like then he needs to start speaking up!! I'm lucky, my mil2b is an interfering,20 questions a minute type woman but my oh keeps her "in check". She got really put out when I said she wasn't invited on my hen do & my oh just chimed in "for gods sake mum, dad isn't coming on my stag do, so why should you go on her hen do!!"

Can you say that, while it is a lovely idea, you really dont want to play the song on your wedding day as it will remind you both of him which will make you feel sad that he is not here to celebrate with you x

I don't think the OPs FIL2B has passed away, the MIL just wants to play him a song at their wedding ?

Personally I'd be a bit miffed. Me and OH have spent hours trying to get our perfect playlist, with some space for suggestions from others, but we'll be doing the suggestions via our "gettingmarried" website beforehand and will choose the ones we want, rather than letting the DJ take requests on the day. We're very adamanent that the whole day will be about who we are as people and as a couple, so someone dedicating a song to their other half on my wedding day would annoy me! I'm only planning on doing this once, so call me a bridezilla but I want my day in the spotlight!

I think you should talk to your OH and see what he thinks, and then talk seriously and openly to your MIL. At the end of the day, it's your day your way, and she needs to understand that!

It's one 6 minute song. 6 minutes out of your WHOLE wedding day. Is it really that big a deal? I would play the song and think nothing of it.

Vintage, yes, have had that problem too with the hen party...she assumed her and her 3 sisters and their best friends would all be coming on my hen party...it took me weeks to pluck up the courage to say I just wanted it to be me and my friends, and even THEN she still emailed me the next day and told me she was very disappointed in me, but that we would have a second hen party to make up for it. A second hen party I REALLY dom't want because it's certainly not for me, it's all about her.

Samwiches, you are correct, FIL2B is definitely still with us...of course if it were in someone's memory then that would be a whole different kettle of fish! But like you say, someone dedicating a song to someone else on another couple's wedding day seems a bit weird.

Figs, I know what you're saying, but it's so much more than that. She is the type of person who has NO humility whatsoever, and is SO smug....let's pretend their surname is Smith...all I ever hear is "We know everyone, us Smiths" and she brags and brags and brags. This would just be another thing for her to brag about. And it's not like she didn't have the oppotunity to have it played for him just 3 months ago at their own wedding anniversary party.

She is also miffed that my FIL2B doesn't get to do a speech at any point (she WON'T stop going on about that)...they told me that they were going to give us £X amount of money and that my parents SHOULD match it. I just think they are very dominating and bossy.

One final example: as it transpired, my parents ended up contributing 5 times the amount his parents have, and whilst I am HUGELY grateful, she makes me resent it because of comments she makes. So the other week we were in a group talking about a Greek wedding someone had been to, saying how amazing the pinning the money to the dress tradition is, and OH's auntie said "Oh aren't you Greek, Kelly?" (as a joke, insinuating that we could the money-pinning tradition), and MIL2B piped up with "Huh, with the amount of money WE'VE given them, they won't need that"...it makes me want to give it back to them.

If you want a direct comparison, think of Pamela from Gavin and Stacey!!!! Thanks again everyone. x

OMG that's sooooo rude. Talk about make EVERYONE feel awkward. Not the best.

Having thought about this Kellsbells, picking a fight over a song seems petty when that's all you talk about. I'm sure if you went up to your H2B and said "tell your mum to eff off about that song she's driving me mad blah blah blah" he'd be thinking, where has this come from?! If you are going to talk to your H2B, don't attack his mum (we all know how we'd feel if our OH's started attacking our parents) but just explain that you were upset about the comment about the money and that you'd really like your day to be about the two of you, no one else, so can he just tell his mum no or else you're going to start getting upset with her.

As far as i'm concerned a wedding isn't about the bride and groom, it's about two families coming together, bite the bullet, play the song and don't let her grind you you down hun, make sure everyone has something they want played by the DJ, I say this as if I had free reign of our play list my guests walk walk out in horror ha ha and it will take the shine off her demands.

Like the earlier hitcher said "pick your battles", if she is as pushy as you say you will need all your energy once you are married to keep her at a reasonable distance.

She is losing a son don't forget - you've already won, don't let her Mrs Bucketness wear you out.

Good luck xxx

You're over reacting I think. What if she wants it playing for her and her husband because she is so looking forward to the day and thinks (to use the lyrics) 'one day like this a year would see me right'.

Plenty of people will probably request songs on the evening, pick your battles and let this one go. You might really enjoy dancing to it on the evening. I know for a fact my cousins will request time of my life from dirty dancing because they had it at their wedding, another of my friends has requested a tale as old as time from beauty and the beast because its 'their' song. its not my cup of tea but i put it on the list because the party is just as much for our guests as it is for us.

I agree (sorry!)

Even if it's not as much as your parents - she has contributed money to the wedding which she didn't have to do, she wants to be involved in your hen do - why is her offering you a 2nd hen do making it all about her? Sounds like a nice thing to do for someone to me!

It is her son, - if your mum asked for a song thats special to her to be played in the eve of her daughters wedding would you have posted this about her...? I'd just play the 6 min song & keep the peace...if you really don't like it you can always go to the bar or toilet while it's playing!

Sounds to me like you just don't like her....! ?

It's one song which isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. We chose our exit song because we know H's parents loved it, in fact they had it at their wedding. Is it that much of a problem.... really?

I don't think I am conveying the type of person she is well enough! She isn't thinking of me when she organises this second hen do...she doesn't like to lose face, so this will be her way of being able to tell people that she came on my hen do. She was completely offended that I just wanted to do something with my friends. In my experience, you have one hen party, not two. I'm not even allowed to pick where we go - she is deciding that, so it has nothing to do with me. She can't bare to miss out and it's nothing more than that.

The difference is, my mum would never ask me to play a song for her or have it dedicated to someone else - because she thinks the day is about H2B and I, not about herself. I am more than up for requests, but a slow song like that will kill the atmosphere. I have already put a playlist together and put her favourite song on it that she likes to dance with FIL2B to, so to say I don't like her is unfair, I am just getting irritated by her trying to make everything about herself.

As for the money, I am hugely grateful - the point about my parents contributing more was to demonstrate that her comment was especially needless and completely over the top. I think if you give someone a present, you give it graciously. Unfortunately, I think her comment was very undignified and ungracious.

I still stand by the fact if this song meant THAT much to her, why not have it at their wedding anniversary party?? It clearly doesn't mean THAT much to her.

Sorry wasn't my intention to offend you at all

What does your H2B think about it-does he want it played or not fussed?

It's me not explaining myself properly. I totally get that it seems pathetic and silly in the grand scheme of things - it is most definitely a small thing that is part of a much bigger problem. Sorry for seeming like a whingy old bat, I'm honestly not normally like this, she has just done a lot of unreasonable things recently. x

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I totally agree with you, I know I've already said but just to say it again! The only slow songs at a wedding should be during the ceremony, first dance and last song of the night IF this is what the couple wants and they should all be songs that are meaningful to the couple. Any requests from guests should be songs to dance to only. We're not having any slow songs at all at our evening, our first dance is going to be a faster one. I'd be really annoyed if someone requested a slow song and the dj played it and ruined the atmosphere.