BM dresses - how to get them back

I'm BM for my sister on Saturday and have had my dress and shoes bought for me. I am given to understand that I will be given jewellery as a gift on the day.

My parents paid for the dresses and shoes and I had assumed all along that I would be able to keep them and have made comments down the line about wearing them again etc. But I wanted to be sure very recently, so I asked my mum if she wanted to sell the dresses afterwards. She said no, but that I could sell it if I wanted to (I don't - I'll be able to wear it to a wedding again). I am, however, expecting to keep my jewellery as that (so I'm told) will be my gift for being BM.

I would drop comments into conversation about wanting to sell the dresses, perhaps light-heartedly something like "be careful that you don't spill your dinner down your dress or I'll never be able to sell them".

A BM shouldn't expect to be able to keep her stuff but, especially if they've never been BM before, they might need it clarified so that there's no embarassment on or after the day.

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i think its quite rude actually!! i was BM for my best friend last year and in her own words she tried to pick a style so 'it can be worn again'....if she then asked for it back, well!!

Must admit if you were worried about the overal cost of the dresses in the first place then i wouldnt have spent so much on them. Just my opinion.

Hmmm bit of a tough one to broach if it hasnt been outlined like that from the start, I and I would expect my BMs assumed they will be keeping their dresses, they dont fit me and i wouldnt make much selling them on as they are high street and I would assume unless told otherwise that if I was BM I would keep the dress. I think it would be a little strange to ask for them back

I dont think it is rude at all - if you've paid for the dresses and you want to sell them on afterwards, thats up to you. If the BMs paid for the dresses themselves (like mine have) then I would expect them to keep them and do what they wished with them afterwards - if they wanted to sell them on ebay etc, then as they've paid for them, thats their choice! Same thing would apply if I had paid for them and wanted to sell them on afterwards.

Tricky one... I have been a bridesmaid twice and both times kept the dress. I just assumed this was the deal though so I hope this is what the bride had planned ?

I think you would have to make it clear that you would like the dresses back afterwards. Perhaps you could word it carefully though. Something like 'Here are the dresses/shoes etc for you to wear on the day. I can come round when we're back from honeymoon to pick them up.' That way you don't need to explicitly say that you want them back, you just make it clear that that's the deal. I don't think there is anything tight in wanting them back; I'm sure they won't mind.

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Figures for reference only, not worried about the cost. But - knowing that they won't wear them again, I think I'd be annoyed if they flogged them for themselves

Also, to add, this thought has stemmed from the fact that I put one of them on last night and liked it soooo much, I decided I wanted one for myself...

If i was BM i'd assume i'd be keeping the dress unless it was hired

My BM's are keeping their dresses for me it's part of the whole BM package

Shoes, jewellery dress iykwim

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And the presents I've also bought them...?

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In my case the Jewellery is their gift, I'm sure your BM won't mind handing over the dresses,

i'd make it clear what my intention were just so they dont assume iykwim

Aye, and I completely know that the approach of "Make sure you don't put your foot through it because I want to sell them afterwards" would be fine for any of them. Just wondering what "expectations" might be. I've never said they could keep them, I've never said that I was buying something "they could wear again". I was BM for one of them last two years ago and she told me I could keep the dress but that was all I was getting. Confused. I know if there was ANY chance they would get use from it, I'd feel differently.

My bridesmaid have never been told if they can keep their dresses or not but they have both said "oh we can wear this for another occasions" so they have just assumed that they can keep them - It is a good job I suppose that they can have them.

If I was a BM I think that unless I was told that they are rented I would think that the dress was mine to keep.

It is a difficult topic to try and deal with but if my BM's wanted to sell on their dresses I would not mind - because like you said its not about the money - you had the enjoyment of having your BM's in them dresses with you on your special day so why would you ask for them back?

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Lol, because I want one!!!!

How about: I'll stick all the dresses on Ebay and we can use the money to go out for a posh dinner? That would be more useful to us.

I'm normally very cautious about assuming anything at all, but if I was a bridesmaid (and when I was!) I would assume I was to keep the dress unless told otherwise to start with.

I've always assumed that they would just keep them, as I always have when being bridesmaid.

That said, I do really love our dresses, and they could be worn by me on honeymoon, and one of my BMs is the same size as me... If I wanted it back, i'd just ask - assumably these are the people who are your nearest and dearest and will understand the financial constraits your under.

I think most people would expect to keep the dress. I would feel uncomfortable asking for them back unless I had expressly told then it was my intention before they'd been bought.

When it came to my bms, I asked them to chose dresses they would enjoy wearing. I wouldn't dream of putting them in something they didn't like, and would not have a further use for. That's just what worked for me.

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If I was a BM I'd love this!

(As a BM) I wouldn't have assumed I was keeping the dress unless I'd been told, or the bride had said something like "I chose these ones 'cos you can wear them again". But I've never been a BM and not been to a wedding in years so I'm aware this is an out-of-date/minority attitude!

Mine are keeping theirs as I specifically chose them so that they could wear them again if they wanted.

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Have they said they won't wear them again? As if you tried one on and liked it, I'm assuming you would wear it out so they may want to as well? (ignore this if they've already made it clear they won't). It's tricky, although your idea of flogging them on Ebay and getting dinner is fab!

My BMs are keeping their dresses and shoes, especially as they're ASOS so I can see them wearing them out afterwards.

I haven't tried my BMs dress on, but I do love the style, now I'm tempted...

Hi

I think that usually when you are a bridesmaid you assume that you will keep the dress. I have been a bridesmaid 4 times and always kept my dress. Saying that I don't think I have ever worn them again and they are just sat in my wardrobe.

If you want then back, I would just be really honest with your bridesmaids and say If you don't plan to wear the dress again do you mind if I have it back as the wedding has been expensive and we would like to sell anything we can on ebay afterwards.

I would definitely have this converation though as I'm sure they will assume they're keeping them.

Steph x

Hmmnm, I always thought it was assumed that the dresses would be kept by the BMs unless otherwise specified.

I would mention it as soon as if I were you (definitely before the wedding so they can take extra care of them if you are selling them on).

I would say something like, "would you mind if I took the dresses back after the wedding? I was thinking of selling them." or something like that... you know, ask them rather than tell...

I've bought my BM's dresses too and assumed they would be keeping them. One has remarked that the style of dress we've chosen is one she'd wear again anyway so I'm happy enough with that. I'd actually never given any thought to asking for them back!

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Nor had I until this thread...and now im thinking, well theyre unlikely to wear them again so whats the harm in asking if they mind? I've paid for them...so they wont be losing any money...And i could re-coup some of the costs that way too.

I was BM last year and kept my dress, but i paid for it. So I am actually considering selling that now....will ask the bride first of course...but im highly unlikely to wear it again...so why not?

I've got a BM dress from last year that really is a very lovely dress and, teamed with a little cardigan would be lovely for a summer event, but in order for me to wear it again I'd have to stay the exact size I was for that wedding!! It took months of dieting and walking 4 miles a day to achieve and and it's fair to say that that's not my long term plan for life LOL

I'll probably be able to fit into it again before my wedding, and hopefully at some point it'll start looking a big big on me but again it won't last!!

The dress was about £175, it's a Dessy, and it's such a shame that it's just sitting in my wardrobe - I didn't have to pay for it which in a way makes it worse for me - someone else paid out all that money just so it could hang in my wardrobe forever after the day. If someone told me they wanted they dress back afterwards I don't think I'd be too bothered unless I really really loved it and knew I'd wear it again, I'd probably offer to pay for it then though, but it might make me a bit nervous on the day in case I snagged it or spilled anything etc - I'm a bit clumsy and I'd be on edge all day!!!

ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown - did you end buying your dresses on the high street? Im still not having much luck find any I like in baby pink yet.

I can't believe some people on here think its cheeky to ask for them back! You paid for them, and they're getting a free meal and a present. These few obviously have bridesmaids for the sake of it rather than as they're close to them if they feel they couldn't ask for them back. If your bridesmaids are friends or family of course they wouldn't have a problem with you selling it on! And I would like to think that the whole point of being a bridesmaid is because you love the couple and want to be a part of their special day, not for a free dress!! I know of a few people who have sold their bridesmaids dresses. One put the money towards their honeymoon. Not unreasonable at all. Wdding costs can be ridiculous so I am sure they would rather you start married life relaxed about money than regretting paying for all their clothes. You could always suggest if they want to keep them, they could buy them off you at a cheaper price, or instead of a present on their next birthday! Groom suits are often hired, brides dresses are quite commonly now sold on, why should bridesmaid dresses be any different! Sorry for the rant! ?

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I'm sure my bms wouldn't mind me asking for them back but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. I want to treat my girls to something pretty to wear. If I felt I couldn't afford to do that, I'd have waited until I could! My bridesmaids have been amazing and I feel the least I can do is treat them to some pretty things as a thank you!

As for saying that 'these few obvioulsy have bridesmaids for the sake of it rather than as they're close to them', it's unfair and derogatory to suggest that of the people who've posted above.

Its great that you feel you can treat them. I'm not asking for my bridesmaids dresses back either. JuI just feel that if people wanna sell the dresses on they have every right to as they paid for them! Its purely one's opinion. Its great that you can treat them; I too want to do that after all their input, and I am doing with gifts too, but not everyone can afford to or may want to. Lets be fair, some bridesmaids are useless and don't deserve a free dress haha!

My comments were not intended to be 'derogatory.' I just feel that someone asks an opinion and for someone to reply so harshly ''No you can't do that!'' is a little unfair! And I'm sure you can appreciate that there are a few people out there who do have bridesmaids, or particularily flower girls purely for aesthetic reasons than for sentimental.

She was getting so much negative fedback I just wanted to give a different opinion, and as we all know, free speech is one of the great things about hitched ? No insults were intended!!

I solved this problem by buying myself one too...hate feeling left out lol. However my bridesmaids dresses are from marks and very wearable again. Did not think about asking for them back but then again they did not cost hundreds.

I am having five bridesmaids,four of which will wear the same dress,as i bought them about a year before the wedding and two of the bridesmaids are losing weight i have got an 8 and a 12 that will defiantly be used and a 14 and another 12 that i think will be used and perhaps taken in a bit,therefore i will keep the size ten for myself

I've not bought mine yet, but have said in conversation, if we go down the route of getting proper BM dresses from the likes of a wedding shop, I would be thinking of selling them on afterwards if a) the girls didnt want to keep them, if they werent going to use them again and b) if they were ok to sell on afterwards - i.e. if something gets spilt on the night, no worries. But on the other hand we are also looking at high street, so if we buy from the high st and the girls can wear the dresses again, then they will be keeping them - and if i really like the dresses i would but one for myself and then sometime after the wedding we could all get dresses up and have a "bridemaid" party and wear the dresses again! he he

I'd like to apologise to For The Love Of Mrs Bro for seemingly turning her forum into an argument. Not my intention I assure you ?

In response to your message Lynnie-Peeps I feel I must defend my 'random' comment. I was not saying that every bride who has bridesmaids is doing so for attention or anything! I myself am having 3; my sister, my cousin and my best friend. I almost asked another friend just because I have known her longer but then realised that was a poor reason to. I was merely saying that some people think 'Oh I don't really have many close friends' and then feel the need to fill their bridal party with H2B's 2nd cousin or work collegues, etc! Rather than actually doing what they want, doing instead what they feel is the norm, and thus leaving them unable to afford dresses for example.

Its great that if you thought you weren't going to be relaxed about money you'd make sure you saved in advance, but as I'm sure you will understand some people may instead choose to think 'I'll buy them now and then sell them on after.'

There is no right or wrong in this situation. If someone wants to purchase their bridesmaid's dress as a gift then that is a great and lovely thing to do. If someone wants to have bridesmaids share their wondeful day with them and then sell the dress on after, then that is also fine as that is their decision! As long as everybody is happy I don't think it really matters?! I think my point has been completely taken in the wrong context by everybody, not just your self Lynnie-Peeps, though that is neither my fault or your own. Lets just draw a line under this and go back to what we hitchers do best... oohing and aaaahing over lovely wedding details and messages ? xx

If they are peole that love you , which frankly they should be , then they shouldn't be offended !