BMs crisis!

Hello and welcome! Congratulations on your engagement.

I am only having 2 bridesmaids so I can't give you any advice from personal experience but there are a LOT of threads here about BMs who have turned out to be disappointing for one reason or another. So I would suggest keeping it to the people you are closest too and that you know will be reliable in the lead up and on the day. Are you close to your OH's sisters, or is this just being done as a nice gesture? If you are not close, I would suggest don't bother. They won't really need a role on the day besides being the groom's sisters, although you could ask them to be witnesses if you wanted something for them.

As for your other friend you mentioned, without fully knowing the circumstances, if it's unlikely she will even make it then I wouldn't ask her either.

On a practical note, you will want to consider your budget and how much you can spend per BM? Eg, will you just be buying their dresses, or will you also do shoes, jewellery, hair and make up? Plus additional bouquets. Just a few things to consider.

I think it's in your favour though that you are thinking about this now before asking anyone, rather than getting too caught up in the excitement and asking everyone and regretting it later

I was kind of in the same boat; if I had everyone I wanted as a BM, I'd have 5 - my SIL, cousin and 3 friends. In that case; however, my other cousins and another friend would be (potentially) hurt and upset, so I've decided to only have one, my SIL. Thankfully we're quite close and my friends will be willing to help out with things if I asked them.

Re. your OH's sisters, could you ask them to help with the hen party? Or have a girlie weekend with them in the run up - maybe go shopping with them for their outfits? I.e. they're still semi-involved and you're spending quality time with them, but they're not part of bridal party?

How old are they? Maybe you can be explicit with them and explain?

PS. Congratulations on your engagement, btw!

Thank you for your replies! I think if I am truely honest with myself then I suppose it is only 1 sister I am close with and talk to every day, so would like her to be BM, but not as much as I do for my 2 sisters and friends. His other sister really.. well I didnt want to ask one without the other, and I do genuinally like her; she is the one family member that really made an effort to make me feel welcome when I was first introduced to the family.

I did think about the witness thing, which I do still think is a good idea, but I hadn't thought about going shopping for their outfits ect. I was also trying to think of a way of asking them if they would like to get ready with me beforehand without them feeling left out when surrounded by other bridesmaids, but I'm not sure if one (the one I'm least closest to) would mind not doing that as she has two children that she would need to get ready. This sister is around.. 26? And wouldnt be a diva about the whole thing, but the younger one is currently 17, so will be 18/19 and may feel a bit bummed out if I left her out.

I guess Im just trying to please everyone!

And as for the friend who may not even come, here is a bit of background on her.

So best friend (lets call her CR) and HTB used to be very close friends; I actually met through them two. OH used to have a slight 'thing' for her many many years ago that never developed in to more than lots of texting and a few drunken snogs (we all have a past, I excepted this was a very small part of his). But as that wore off and me and him became closer.. well you know where that led as we are now engaged!

CR and HTB continued ti be close friends and we even gave her somewhere to live on very cheap rent for 6 months when she was struggling. But this is where things started to go wrong in my opinion. HTB seemed to go out of his way to irritate CR and their habits started getting on top of each other. HTB also didnt like seeing me in a bad mood when me and CR squabbled (we are almost like sisters in a sense, and the squabbles were petty and sorted within a day). I'm not quite sure why things spiralled out of control like they did but it all came to blows at CRs birthday party when HTB said some not very nice drunken things to her and they havent spoken since.

CR still passionately hates HTB a year on, even after an apology, and claims he doesn't treat me right and Im not happy with him but am clouded in judgement so think I am happy blah blah (all utter nonsense, he's perfect for me in every sense and I'm marrying the daft ***) so now she said she isn't sure she can be there to support me in something she doesnt believe in. So while I want her to be there because she is a huge part of my life.. the BM are supposed to support you and be happy for you, and CR clearly isnt

I would have loved to have had two of my close friends be BM's as well as the ones I have but I felt that having too many adult bridesmaids looked wrong with a small wedding. By the time you had included the Best Man/Users plus bride and groom the bridal party was almost as big as the guest list.

Cost was also a factor, as someone else has pointed out its not just the dress, its shoes and flowers and hair and presents etc!

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't ask your OH's sisters, they will always be his sisters and will have a natural part to play in the wedding. I also wouldn't ask your friend where there are issues. I have read enough of these threads to be able to guarantee you that will not end well (although I would obviously invite her to the wedding).

You can involve them as much as or as little as you want as its gets closer by asking them to help you make things or visit wedding fairs with you.

x

My advice is, if you've only been engaged a short time, wait and see. You want people who will take an interest in your wedding, who will be reliable and who will support you in your decisions. So see who comes out of the woodwork to ask how things are going and offer help, once the engagement excitement has died down.

I chose my 3 bridesmaids immediately, in the post-engagement excitement without giving much consideration. It didn't take long for one of them to become a giant pain in the ass. We've since fallen out, and I can't see things being sorted out - and although it wasn't directly related to my wedding, I do wonder if things would have worked out if I hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid.

Its difficult to back out once you've made your choice so choose carefully. Remember that you can also give other roles to people who are important but not bridesmaids - they could do a reading or be one of your witnesses?

Waiting and seeing seems sensible.. I'm just not a very good waiter! I think you ladies have helped me see that it isn't the end of the world to not have his sisters as bridesmaids, and I can just find another way for them to be involved, particularly the younger one as she has asked to come and look at dresses and has researched a few venues for me; she seems like she wants to help us rather than just wear a pretty dress and have BM status. So without them, and without the awkward friend who will probably decline BM invitation I would have 4 BM, which at a wedding of around 50 day guests isn't too bad I don't think. I just need to stick with this decision now as I know guilt will get the better of me for his sisters!

I agree with Sunnypink, I was in this same position as you and I thought I would wait which I did. I decided 18months before the wedding and by the time I got to 12 months before I already knew I had made at least one mistake with the 4 BMs I had chosen! Choose a venue and date first then look at your budget and then decide. If you can try to push BMs from your mind for a few months and you will start to notice who is there for YOU not just the wedding. That's the person you want standing with you on your big day Best of luck with your planning

I have 7 bridesmaids! FSIL and 6 school friends. I have no siblings and these girls have been like sisters to me. all pitched in with wedding planning in various ways. I set a budget at the very start and made it clear what I could / couldn't pay for. I think you should have whoever you feel comfortable with. I couldn't imagine walking down the aisle without them.

Congrats on your engagement!

I echo what others have said: dont rush into picking people now, things change over time and the cost of the wedding WILL be more than you expect. As a basic, price, £100 dress, £30 shoes, hair/make-up each I'm guessing £30. Thats nearly £1200 and doesn't include the cost of cars to get them all there, a gift each, bouquet each etc etc.

Does your OH have an idea of how many best men he wants? It doesn't need to match the amount of BM you have, but would look a little unbalanced in photos if he only had 1 best man and you have 7!

If you really want them involved, there are other things they can do to be involved- be an usher and help guests to their chairs, hand out confetti etc. Do a reading or help in another way like with the invites/cake/centrepieces etc.

Congratulations! Just to add that I am not having the groom's sisters as bridesmaid. One is signing the register, and we have ordered buttonholes for them. You could arrange for a corsage or wrist corsage to be given to them so it gives them a bit of status, and people can sort of tell that they are related to the bride and groom.