Boyfriend's ex has stopped contact :(

If he's such a sh!t dad then why specifically just the next four weekend?! Sounds like she just does what she wants when she wants.

I'd urge him to seek some prefessional advice about this. He may be awarded a little less time with his daughter but it'll be very difficult to randomly break contact and have him over a barrel in the way she is now. Yes she may be angry and stop contact in the short term but that should go against her if it came to court. She has no right to do what she is doing.

You have my sympathies, I've seen friends go through similar and it is heart breaking.

x

I don't understand how she can specify a 4 week break due to her mistrust in him? Is he going to become trustworthy in that time all of a sudden (not saying he isn't)

I'm not sure of his exact rights, it may be worth searching the net for access rights etc but I do feel for him. I've been on both sides, having partner who's been stopped from talking to his children (but only for a short period hence no action taken) and being the mother of a child. I'd never dream of stopped my ex seeing our daughter as it would be her that suffers for it.

I can have a chat with my friend if you like who had to take it through the courts to get access to his children and see how he started the process?

Ahem, right, where shall I start?

First of all does he have PR? How old is the daughter?

I would advise he seeks advice but don't waste your money on solicitors just yet, get him to join www.fnf.org.uk He'll find a whole bunch of guys in the same situtation or others who have made it through the other side.

You ask if he should turn up for contact when it's next due. I would say yes. However take along a third party to know at the door / collect daughter so that your partner doesn't upset the ex. The last thing you want is an injuction against him. If ex refuses just step away and leave. Possibly try the next day and so on, never be seen to be giving up.

Document all texts, emails, phone calls. Dates child is whit you dates child goes back. Calendars, family planners etc to show a pattern of how often he has had his daughter over however many years.

What do you think has made her take this action? Something said or done at the last weekend with daughter? Money trouble? anything at all....?

My H was has been in a similar situation. This website is excellent for knowing where you stand and for support https://bothparentsmatter.org.uk/

The crux is that his daughter has a right to a relationship with both her parents (unless there is a good reason not to) and the courts will always put her rights first. I'm afraid I can't really give a hugely postive end to my H's story as it seems the law doesn't really have an teeth when it comes to the parent with residency not allowing access, even with a contact order in place. In theory they can put them in prison, but then that's not in the interest of the child.

However dispite the efforts of his ex my H has managed to build a strong relationship with his son, after not seeing him for years. So don't give up ?

I am no legal expert but can only tell of you our experience.

H's ex stopped contact when he reduced the maintenance he was giving her as she was receiving four times the amount she was entitled to.

He wrote down everything she did - texts, calls, visits in the night, acting up in front of the children.

He reasoned with her that she is denying their children's right to see both of their parents and in the long run that will negatively affect them. (This did seem to carry some weight as it was shortly after this and the letter below she changed her mind).

We got a solicitor to send her a letter explaining this - children's rights to have access not mother's or father's - and if she didn't reconsider we would be taking further action. The letter cost £50.

In the end, I actually think the main reason she gave in was because she realised she would be tied down every weekend and not be able go off on weekends away/nights out with her new boyfriend.

I hope your OH's ex changes her mind soon too.

Thanks everyone..

KB3 - Yes he has PR, his name is on the birth certificate. It was originally registered with just the ex's name, but has been re-registered with both (after they split). Daughter is 3, 4 on the 28th. We don't know what's happened. She's said it's because his daughter went back poorly, which is true, daughter had a temperature and tummy ache on and off over the weekend. She's now saying that daughter only ever gets poorly when she comes to him, which is rubbish. It was only a few weeks ago that she said his daughter couldn't come because she had bad earache.

Apparently there's a family friend who has said something to imply he's a bad father which is rubbish because (A) there's only one mutual friend and she doesn't get on with the ex and (B) he is a bloody amazing dad - there every weekend, so patient, so loving.

*sigh*

? Hi Mousie, we are waiting for our day in court right now, won't be long and then hopefully OH can finally see his LO unsupervised for the first time ever. It is a long slow process and very difficult, the moter in our case is basically insane, promises the earrth and then can't meet him cos she's too busy/packing to go away on holiday (which only LO went on)/too hungover/he's just not important enough/she has to go to her grans/the time she arranged is actually LOs naptime so it's pointless.....

Seriously, I don't know the whole procedure, but in our case a solicitors letter usually buys him one contact. It's getting expensive so we've bitten the bullet and are going to to court... But enough about me, se a solicitor his LO has every right to see his daughter, and she has no right to decide he's not fit. Don't try to use money as a lever, it looks awful, even if you don't need to go to court, trry and get a formal agreement drawn up with a solicitor so everyone knows where they stand.

The courts aren't great but from what I've heard they are getting slowly better. Good luck! xx

OK he has two choices. Carry on as is without any agreement in writing or legal standing so the ex can pull this stnt whenever she feels like it. OR get a proper contact order drawn up.

Courts really should be the last option as lets be honest, they don't always favour the NRP. Would he consider mediation? He needs to be seen to have exausted all avenues on tryuing to reason with the ex before taking it before a judge. Look into mediation centres near where you and the ex live and try to make an appointment. These people are trained in trying to work out any problems that arise and they can draw up an agreement.

If mediation doesn't work then court it is. As he has PR he is a step ahead of many. Like I said, make a diary or every time the daughter has been in his care. From day x to present. From now on make a note of attempted contact, calls and texts. Document EVERYTHING.

As the daughter is nearly at school age I advise this gets sorted as soon as because no doubt once she starts school mum will throw that into the equasion and contact could become less due to interferring with childs school life.

Has you looked at FNF yet? It really was invaluable in the advise and support it offered ti MrKB.

He ex stopped contact back in 2006. Many court hearings he won shared residency. Then after more feck ups from the ex the girls now live with us. Sole residency was awarded in Feb this year.

PM me if you wish.

Hi

just wanted to say that ive been in the position of having to stop contact due to my children not being looked after properly and my ex not being a good dad. I would say that the route of going through the court system could be helpful as they will talk to both parties and could also refer to mediation. they did this with me and my ex and this proved what a rubbish dad he was as despite him starting the court process he then didnt bother to turn up to hearings and the case was dismissed.

in my opinion although it was stressful at the time the court was the best way to sort this out as they are impartial and will look at both sides and the ex will also have to stick with any arrangement made and will give your oh more rights.

good luck with everything and hope it all works out

Not necessarily true. Only as of December 2008 have enforcements been put onto any court orders. Penal notices etc have always been there but really are they going to send a parent to prison for not allowing contact? No, it's not in the childs best interest. Now the RP may be liaible for a fine if they don't adhere to the court order but I'm yet to learn of any caselaw where this has been enforced.

KB3 - Yep, and I've sent the link for FNF over to G as well. He's called the solicitor to make an appointment with them, and I've suggested that he gets a letter sent over to J to remind her how important it is and to suggest mediation if necessary. I'm sure G would go for mediation, I just don't know if she would. He showed me her texts last night and she is just vile, explicitly saying that he's a shit father, and that he's stupid for not understanding her texts which made no sense. Apparently she's said he can't see E this weekend, the weekend of the 30th and the weekend after that, but nothing about the weekend of the 23rd, with no other explanation than "She won't eat and I can't trust you to look after her properly". He has sent her further texts asking her to clarify but she's just ignoring him now.

I want to get all fishwife on her and start reminding her that he is there every weekend, he doesn't smoke like she does (E's clothes and hair often smell of smoke when she gets back with us, bleugh), that she has sent her with dirty/too small/torn clothes before, that she's the one that punishes E for crying and sends her to her room because she doesn't want her dad to go home. I wouldn't really do it of course but my god she really gets on my nerves. He is such an amazing father, it makes me so angry that she criticises him. She doesn't know how bloody lucky she is. RARGH. </rant>

He's said he's going to text her tomorrow morning and say that he's still going down, and he's taking him mum with him. He has said though that if she replies in the morning telling him not to bother then he wouldn't actually go down there. I'm of the opinion that still going down there, peacefully, would be a good idea, but I don't want to be telling him what to do. It's like walking on eggshells a bit ?

How did you manage to get shared residency? G would give all four limbs to have E living with him. I think a contact order is the way to go to be honest. It's been ok up until now but it seems that with me on the scene, she's not going to be quite so reasonable. We booked a holiday for the 5 of us (me, G, E and my two boys), which J was fine with, and even said we would have E for an extra day, so 10 in total. She's now said E can't come at all (after we've booked, grr!). I'd imagine it's only get worse when G & I decide to move in together, and I just don't trust her anyway tbh. I've only been doing the stepmummy thing since January and it's already getting on my wick that she thinks she can just dictate how this is all going to go.

Oops, ended up ranting again! Sorry for the long and jumbled post, everything feels all over the place still. Thanks for helping ?

You've just answered one of my earlier questions Mousie. She's causing trouble now because she can. It disruptes YOUR life. If she's anything like the ex in our case it will continue. 8 years I've been dealing with her sh!t. 8 years. Earlier this week she even ruined the surprise of me telling my step daughters I'm pregnant. How fecking nasty can you get?!

Please ensure that your partner (G?) is recording all of these text messages she is sending. Document them. They are vital evidence. He also needs to document the ones he is sending in response otherwise it's just one sided. Time date, from number and content. I can't tell you how important it is to diarise everything. Go back over the past however many years and draw up a document of every contact he has had with daughter. Also any receipts or bank statements to show child maintenance being paid.

My husband managed to win Shared residency back in March 2007Instead of applying for a contact order, he applied for Residency but was seen to be happy to accept Shared Residency at the final hearing. Cafcass were involved drew up reports etc. He remained child focussed at all times whereas the ex was all about what SHE wants not what the children want. We were advised that if youapply for contact order only you are admitting that as a father you are a second class parent. Whereas applying for RO or agreeing to SRO shows that you are a committed EQUAL parent. That is the key here EQUAL. It was a lengthy battle and he didn't see his kids for about 18weeks at first, then on and off while the ex played silly buggers. But in the end he won. Then as of february this year he went back to court for a Full Residency Order as the ex is a total and utter fruitloop who chose her druggie child beating boyfriend over her two beautiful daughters.

I totally understand the feeling of walking on eggshells, it may get harder but just be strong for him. If he wants to shout let him but he also needs to remember that you are on his side ?

Eugh, that sounds bloody awful ☹️

I'm not sure if there's any point in G applying for a SRO - his ex is a PITA but I don't see technically does anything wrong really - there's no abuse or anything, she's just effing horrible. I mean, I have children myself and when they come back from their dad's house, I am always, without fail, pleased to see them. Big hugs and kisses, I love yous, glad to have you home etc. When G drops E off, she cries because she wants G to stay or take E back with him, so J just shouts and swears, sends her to her room, and slams the door at G. I'll talk to him though. I think it's worth a shot, if nothing else to show that he's serious about E, and that he really would have her all the time, but would settle for an SRO because it does work best that way - she's with her mum who doesn't work in the week, which is better than childcare, and then gets 1-on-1 quality time with her dad every weekend.

He is keeping all the texts and will keep a diary of contact and everything else. Maintenance is paid by standing order so that is documented by bank statements already. She gets as much just for E as I get for my two from my ex, so I don't think that's a problem.

Really, really thank you - it feels so much easier talking to someone who has been there. ?

KB3's right about going for a SRO. Chances are it may not be awarded but the fact that he applied for it works in his favour with the court. Sadly with family court proceedings like this it's all about perception. Is he perceived to want equal care of his daughter (regardless of whether it's practical or likely to happen). I'ts kind of like starting off at a point for negotiation - go in high and it's more likely you'll get what you'd actually be happy with. And the point being that it doesn't matter if she technically does anything wrong because it's not about her ability, it's about G wanting to ensure he's a significant part of his daughters life.

x

An SRO doesn't have to mean half care, split down the middle. It could remain as is, with mum during the week and dad at weekends or whatever the set up is. What is does mean though is that G is seen as an Equal parent in the eyes of the law. Doctors, Dentists, schools etc regard him as a parent rather than a weekend father. I know of guys who have SRO and see their children every other weekend and one night for tea in the week. However both mum and dad have equal footing, there is no bitching over who is the better parent. No power struggle as such. I'd base the case on equal shared care parenting being recongised by others in society and try to keep the same arrangement if it works for you. rather than wanting a contact order set up.

Have spoken to him about the SRO, and he's got an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow (I'm going with him), and he's joined FNF.

He's written a letter himself, but is waiting to see what the solicitor says about it all before sending it or going down there tomorrow.

I'm struggling to feel hopeful about it all at the moment. She's exactly the type to make stuff up so that contact is stopped legally and G would have to fight to have it reinstated, which would just be dreadful. He's in bits already, as am I. I'm mostly managing to be strong but it's all got to me tonight and I am filled with rage that I don't know what to do with. GAAAARRGGGGHHHHH. ☹️

Mousie, the way you are feeling is normal. It's venturing into the unknown. YoOu just have to remember he is a good father and his daughter knows that. The ex can make up as many allegations as she wishes, if it goes to court there will be a finding of facts hearing and she will have to PROVE her allegations rather than him having to prove otherwise. The reason it's good to document everything is because if she does start causing trouble like this then he can prove up until now there hasn't been any problems, the ex stopped contact for no reason, he started legal proceedings and BAM! suddenly allegations come into play.

We found the legal route far too expensive. We spent about £5k over a period of 8-10weeks and got nowhere, so decided MrKB would go LIP with the help of a McKenzie Friend. You can read up about these on FNF. They are invaluable.

I'll be more than happy to help and advise where I can, just give me a shout. Good luck ?

Thanks KB3. Just got back from the solicitors - she's going to send J a letter.

J sent a text to G while we were on our way there saying that G can have E this weekend if he wants her (again, no reason for the change of mind). He asked about the other weekends and she called and said she was waiting to hear from her mum (again, no idea what this is about) before she lets G know whether contact will be reinstated. The holiday is still out the window it seems ☹️

I'll have a read up on LIP/McKenzine Friend as well.

So relieved E is coming this weekend. I love her to bits, she's an angel. I hope this all blows over for her sake as well as ours ?

Fab news that she is coming this weekend! How random that her mother is changing her mind and needs to check with her mum though.

I ahev a feeling this will all blow over for you, but I'd be very cautious about the future. Does he want to be waiting on tenderhooks everytime she changes her mind?

What will the letter say roughly?

All change again. Another text has arrived to say E has been sick so she won't be coming at all this weekend, but he can have her next weekend. Which is great, except the solicitor's letter will arrive at some point next week so no doubt she'll kick off about that and start messing about again. I am so angry I want to cry. Argh.

I think G is going to get everything sorted properly. Leaving it would be a really bad idea IMO, I think there will be more instances over the next few years.

The letter will say that contact needs to be reinstated and consistent. They are making an offer so that G has every weekend apart from the first weekend so that J and E have quality time together rather than just the "routine" weekdays, but that G would still be more than happy to have E every weekend - he just wants to accomodate J & E's need to spend leisure time together. It will also suggest mediation, and I think will mention court action if things don't go as they should. I'm not entirely sure but that was the gist I got anyway.

I need to find myself a place that I can go with all the selfish feelings I'm having about this or I'm going to explode! ?

Mousie all this talk of a family friend makes me wonder if she has not got herself another fella who is stirring it so that your OH does not have access to his ex or daughter - could this be the case?

She sounds like she's yanking his chain, Mousie. ☹️

Oh Mousie that's not fair. Just because E is sick why can't she be with her father? Is her illness contagious? If not I'd reply thats fine I can look after her too, just let me know what medicines etc. It's excuse after excuse.

Be prepared for a full blow out next week if the letter does go out on time. Ours were always promised to be sent then not.

If you need to offload, you know where I am. ?

WT - She's remarried. She has four children with four men - the last being her current husband. The two first dads aren't on the scene (E is number 3). It's highly likely that J wants G off the scene so they can just be a normal family.

It seems to be the same illness as last weekend, some kind of general tummyache - she's not eaten much since last weekend, don't think she'd eaten anything until late on Wednesday from Sunday. God knows why the stupid cow hadn't done anything by that point - she's now said she'll take E to the doctors next week. *rolls eyes*

G seems to be feeling a little better tonight. I have a horrible feeling it's all going to get worse before it gets better though. *sigh* And thanks ?