Bridesmaid doing my nut :(

If you really don't want her to be your bridesmaid then tell her, just be prepared for the possiblity that you may loose her as a friend.

That is a super difficult conversation to have. Would it be better to sit her down and ask honestly if she still wants to do it, and if she says yes, then tell her that you need her to be more involved? Maybe she doesn't want to do it, and that's why she 'forgets' about the shopping trips - that would give her a way out.

My sister in law sacked one of her bridesmaids a couple of years ago. At the time l thought it was funny but a bit harsh. Now l have planned my wedding and hen do then l can see why! I don't actually have any bridesmaids due to the type of wedding we are happening, I had 2 in mind,1 in hindsight would have been a mistake. You need someone who will help and support you not a passenger..,

As some on here may remember, I had issues with one of my bridesmaids... I was stupid and didn't take Hitcher's advice and kept her on as a bridesmaid hoping things would get better. I also think I was just clinging on to the friendship in hope.

Fast forward to just under a month ago and it all came to a head and I've spectacularly fallen out with the girl who is not my bridesmaid and no longer my friend. I don't want her anywhere near me & is definitely not the kind of person I want at my wedding let alone standing beside me on the day!!

Ive asked someone who I wish I had asked from the beginning but didn't because I thought my older 'friends' would be offended. It's been a bit of a mad panic to get things sorted but the difference between the two girls has been immense. One couldn't care less and just slagged off my wedding, the other (new BM) can't do enough to help!

My point is that if there are real issues there and you really feel that they won't get better it's better to tell her sooner rather than later... Then you don't have so much stress!!!

Exactly this!

YES! Do it before it is too late...I wish I had.

I had one bridesmaid that complained about everything. She didn't like any dresses, or shoes. All of the other bridesmaid were going with whatever I liked, but this particular one wasn't having any of it. I had grown up with her but didn't really spend time with her like we used to. I thought she would be really perfect to help on my day, how wrong I was.

she never asked if I needed anything, and didn't come to my dress fitting because she 'forgot'. She didn't come on my Hen Do which had been planned for months, because she had to work. Ok, sometimes you can't get out of working, but having months to book time off, and then telling me the week before? I just felt so let down, after all the drama with the dresses and shoes as well.

To make matters worse, on the day of the wedding, she said she wanted to do her makeup at home. I didn't even bother objecting to her wanting to get ready alone. She then turned up to my house with the biggest false eyelashes on you have every seen, dolled up to the max, and completely overdoing even my makeup. I felt out-shined, which is not how any bride should feel on their day!!!

I feel like she rubbed off onto my other bridesmaids too, as non helped me out during the day. I had to ask them to help carry my dress, which I nearly pulled and ruined trying to get out of my house. Even the photographer's assistant had to shout them all to come back and help me!! All ended up being more interested in how they looked than helping on the day. My MOH even forgot to hand me back my bouquet as my husband and I walked back down the aisle. I was so upset!.

Anyway, I suppose what I am saying is, it is YOUR day, not theirs. If you aren't happy, tell her. And make sure that they know they are there to help you, NOT JUST STAND AND LOOK PRETTY.

From a let down bride x

Thanks everyone

I saw her and said I need help doing things, she was good for a week or so but now it's all about her again....

She came to a wedding fair with me and moaned at the lady at the door because I got a goody bag and she didn't, then spent the whole time we were there telling me how she had had a massive row with her bloke about why he wont ask her to marry him!!!

H2B and I bought our first house last week, so excited to tell her and I just got grunted at about that till she could tell me waht a bad week she had been having.

Seeing her this weekend and i'll have to out right say "you are a pain in the ass, help & support me or bugger off"

Thanks again, good to know it's not just me who feels like this!

Late to this but wanted to wish you good luck with your friend!

This is hilariously bad.

Sounds like you've found your answer.....she's obviously not happy with a few things in her life and is resenting how yours is going.....you can't change that and unless she wakes up to how she's being she's not going to change enough to be a helpful BM to you. Difficult one to deal with. I feel for you. If you decide to take her off BM duty it will effect your friendship, no doubt. So I think you may have to evaluate what the friendship is worth and either put up with her being useless but have the friendship and maybe when her life gets better she will be back on track with the friendship or potentially lose the friendship by taking her off BM duty.

Hello ladies,

I've come to this a bit late but I'm having bridesmaid problems. I now how 3 out of 4 bridesmaids that I don't want to be bridesmaids anymore. They are constantly telling me how they feel and what they think but when I tell them I think they are wrapped up in their own lives it has turned into a huge row, with 2 of them telling me they need space and don't want to talk to me, and the other just ignoring messages.

My BMs got to choose their dress, their hair and make up, but with this argument their true thoughts have come out.... I'm not lenient, I'm very specific and a pain in the arse basically, we previously had an issue about shoes, which was another huge argument! they make No effort with me, I always have to message them and make arrangements to see them, In the whole year they could only do two dates for a bridesmaid meet up - the first date got turned into a firework party at one of the girls houses with a number of other people and the second which was this Friday turned into a fake tan party for the 3 of them for their work parties.

My maid of honour was my best friend of 14 years, although I'm not her best friend and I barely see her or hear from her, the other two were long term friends. Well anyway I'm now hoping that they decide they don't want to be bridesmaids anymore as I don't think I have it in me to "sack" them, but also a m worried about regretting my decision, but at the same time I'm just goin to feel that no the big day, they won't really want to be standing beside me and wouldn't have enjoyed the experience leading up to the wedding! they have drained ever ounce of fun and enjoyment out of the planning and bridesmaid side of things for me!

I'd really appreciate any advice xx

Let me get this right - you have 4 BMs; 3 out of the 4 BMs are saying that you are a pain in the arse, but you don't think that you are a pain in the arse?

Have i got that right??? I think if 3 of my close friends told me i was being a pain then i would hopefully consider whether they could in any way shape or form be correct. chances are they are.

I think you need to bear in mind that your wedding is the most important day of YOUR life, but that other people have a life too and have things to do. Wedding talk can be immensely boring for people who are not getting married and you need to make sure that you still have other things you talk about.

Have you asked how they are getting on in their lives lately? Had an evening not doing wedding stuff with them? To be honest the fireworks party sounds fun as does the fake tan party. I'm not sure what you wanted to do with them but it seems to me that they do want to hang out with you, just not talk about weddings constantly.

Sometimes brides have huge expectations of their BMs and frankly all that will lead to is disappointment.

I'm going to be frank with you. If someone told me they sacked 3 of their BMs I would assume they are a humongous bridezilla.

I had some BM issues too, largely related to a fight between two of them and not, thankfully with me so I was able to let it blow over.

But I will say that I find this whole "my BMs aren't doing enough" thing a bit baffling - my sister, who is MoH has helped with a few things, but generally speaking I've done all the planning myself. The only thing I can think of where I'd draft BMs in is if we were doing crafty stuff.

The attitude that BMs must be around for everything seems to me to come from American films more than anything??

But then again, all this may just be me and my lack of delegation!

First AJ - welcome to the forum. I'm not sure why you have added this as a reply to another bridesmaid issue as yours should be a stand alone topic. For the main reason that original post is more than 8 months ago and will now be receiving emails regarding this link which has nothing to do with the OP. In this situation you would normally open a new topic rather than tag onto an old one.

And then I agree with this>

What exactly are you expecting your bridesmaids to do? I think the cloying idea of suddenly everyone gushing over you just because you are getting married purely comes from American films. If you didn't have that kind of relationship with them beforehand suddenly making them your bridesmaid will not magically transform your relationship with them. Sounds like you have had unrealistic expectations of what them being a BM would mean to them and what it would do to your relationship with them.

I have two best friends who I used to be very close to. But now we all live in different cities and see each other infrequently. However, I don't feel resentful about it although I do miss them as I am realistic about how friendships morph over time. If I was a needy person it wouldn't work as they just don't have the time they used to - and neither do I!! But we are all flexible and get together when we can and so we are still all good friends. Me getting married is exciting to them but more so because it hasn't created an unnecessary tension or expectation that they couldn't fulfil.

Yes often asking someone to be a BM highlights flaws in the r'ship- but it doesn't create the flaws - the flaws are already there you just didn't see them. What matters now is how you react to that. If 3 out of 4 are saying you are being a pain in the arse you may need to adjust your expectations and think hard about the type of relationship you have/had with them. Yes this could permanently damage the relationship. Do you want to continue being friends with them? Are you happy with the way the friendship is or do you need more even when you aren't wedding planning? It sounds like you feel resentful of the fact that you do all the chasing anyway and this has just highlighted this. So have a think about whether you want them in your life on the new terms or whether it is time for them not to be friends at all. If you decide you don't want them as friends if they can't be like it was before then by all means tell them you don't want them as bridesmaids. But be clear that doing so will mean they are no longer friends.

I was BM for a friend of mine who was pretty demanding time wise throughout the year of planning. And not only that but she lives an hour away from me so along with time came petrol costs - but I was happy to help make her day what she wanted it to be and I never grumbled to her or any of the other BMs about it. The main thing I wanted was to help make her wedding as perfect as possible.

The other BMs - not so much. She had lots of trouble with them not liking things and not making themselves available for dress shopping etc. But I think at the same time she lost sight of the end goal a little bit. I understand that it must be very stressful organising a whole wedding but in the grand scheme of things....does it really matter if one BM wants to do their own makeup? Or not stay in the wedding venue the night before?! (not me on either count BTW) Maybe it does feel like the end of the world when you are ridiculously stressed about everything and all you want is to get your girls together to spend some time together before you get married. But looking at the bigger picture maybe she could have stepped back for a second and took a deep breath and not got so worked up and stressed.

Anyway the whole experience has helped me to see what kind of bride I want to be and how much I will ask of my BMs - not a lot because I have decided it is much better to just have one!! lol. I am having my sister and her two little girls as flower girls. One friend is doing a reading and another is a witness. Hoping that this limits the stress a little for me with trying to sort them all out. Plus all of my friends are interested in my plans at the moment - but I will try my best not to pester them if they are not interested down the line. Still a long way to go (18 months) so it is unrealistic to expect them to be as interested as I am!

Really hope that those of you having problems sort things out - would be interested to hear an update on how things are going

xxxx

I apologise for replying on this thread but I'm very new to the forum and not quiet sure how it all works! I can see your points, I don't know what to say tbh, I always contact them, see how things are with them. I just wanted some time with my bridesmaids, not to even talk about the wedding, just to be in their company and have a laugh... It's not that they aren't doing enough just for the wedding but In general, I'm the one always contacting them. Trying to arrange meet ups and stuff.... I guess it's always been like this. I just hoped the wedding would change it, and that I would be as important to them as they are Me, not as a bride but as a person and friend.

I guess I am a bad bride after all...

Ah I don't think your a bad bride. Some of the responses have been very honest...not incorrect but quite blunt. I agree that brides shouldn't expect too much of their BM and try to keep a perspective of how things appear out of 'the wedding bubble' (fingers crossed I manage this!!!) but by the sounds of it you were hoping the wedding word bring you closer and are just sad this hasn't happened.

A wedding won't make a flawed r'ship better I don't think...BUT it might be a chance for you to sit them down and explain how you feel. Tell them how important they are to you and that you want to spend time together for fun...not just for wedding duties!

If after an honest talk things don't improve maybe it's a case of coming to the realisation that the friendship won't be how you envisioned. I really hope tho that you manage to bond with them over this!

Good luck xxx

Sit them down and tell them that you want to spend time with them and care about them. BUT be prepared for them to want to do things you aren't fond of (e.g. fireworks party and fake tan event). Try to be flexible about those things. If they see you are compromising they'll probably volunteer to do what you want at some stage. The best you can do is lower your expectations! Weddings don't magic away problems. Most people on here will tell you that they had problems with someone or other as a result of the wedding.

Just because you are getting married your relationships with them are not going to automatically change for the better. They are still the same and you are still the same. If there were cracks in the relationships they will come out. The good news is that this might be a good opportunity to mend them. But you need to accept that you are not necessarily in the right here and they may have some reason or other to be upset with you. It's unusual for 3 friends to say the same thing so you need to think about what it is they are complaining about.

If your chat doesn't get you anywhere with them at least you know that you're not so close anymore. The good thing is that you've still got 1 BM you seem close to so you can still do bridesmaidy stuff with her if that's what you want to do.

The good thing about this forum is that people are honest with you. You might think it's harsh but sometimes - and especially when wedding planning- we all need a kick up the proverbial to get perspective on things.

Good luck!