Can anyone offer advice? Re being unable to move on.

You have mentioned her before havn't you?

From what i have read i think you are a fabulous friend and are doing all you can. It must feel rotten to feel 'useless' for want of a better word, but with all the will in the world, you can not make a change for her, only she can.

So, my advice, carry on doing what you do best, just being there, however, please remember you in all this, that you also need some support, hopefully you have other friends who are able to give you reciprical support? This friendship sounds very one sided at present and that can feel draining at times i would imagine, so please look out for you too.

Sorry that i have no words of wisdom really. I can imagine that her anniversary is a horrid day, i know mine was when i had split from my husband, worst day ever, but it was not as bad as the thought of it was, if that makes sense. Here's hoping your friend will also see that.

JK, I mean this in the gentlest possible way, but if she won't help herself to move on, you can't do it for her. I speak as someone who has had to watch a friend take themselves to the brink of destruction - after a certain, indefinable point, no amount of support was going to help, we just had to let her hit rock bottom.

It's awful and hard and unfair, but she has to want to move on and therefore seek whatever help she needs - until she does, I'm afraid there's very little you can do.

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Many thanks both. I was thinking it might be time to refuse to be a partner any more in this. I can't do it for her.

Cheers m'dears.

It's that whole thing of acceptance isn't it? - you know, 'In acceptance lieth peace' or somesuch. CBT might help, but she needs to want it.

You sound like a fantastic friend btw, I hope you can find the best way through this (I've tried to put that better, but it just sounds like rubbish).

You do sound like an amazing friend JK but to be honest I think you've done all you can.

Does she have any family that could perhaps sit with her tonight?

Firstly, I do think that by this stage she should be getting it together, and there'd be no shame in leaving her to it. In fact... In some respects, it might be the right thing to do.

But, if you can stand it... Get the wine out, lots of it. And do a post-mortem.

Kill or cure.

Oh, JK, I saw the thread title and knew this was about your friend.

I hate to be flippant, but has she dated at all? Slept with anyone else? It honestly sounds to me like she is in danger of walowing and needs distraction. I got through the six months after I found out about cuntface's affair by shaging everything that moved - I do regret some of my behaviour <cough>, but just throwing myself into displacement sex really did help.

Is she still hoping on some level that he'll come back? Is she, for want of a better word, eligible?

Sorry to hear about this JK, it sounds like you are a great friend to her. I wonder have you suggested she calls the Samaritans - it might help her to speak to someone who will just be able to listen and not judge her at all, they are well trained to support people who are feeling suicidial.

Gosh, how awful for you.

I'm afraid I must be a terrible friend as I think I would have lost patience with her by now and told her to pull her socks up. But then, as a bitter soon-to-be-divorcee, I probably have a skewed view.

I think Sophie may have a point when she talks about other men. Not necessarily shagging them, but getting out there and being in contact with men, almost to revalidate that there, to use the cliche, more fish in the sea. If your friend is late 30s+, she may be feeling somewhat 'left on the shelf' and that she's never going to be able to find anyone else (I'm 33 and have felt like that in the last year since I split with my soon to be ex), but getting out there and getting some male attention, even if you're not going to take it further, makes you feel hopeful that there could be life after divorce - does that make sense?

I think you've mentioned before that she's still sorting out property etc? That could also make her feel like her life is 'on hold', and hearing that her ex has moved on (quite literally) must feel like a body blow to her.

People probably haven't mentioned the anniversary because they don't like to - especially if they can see she's not coping too well.

Also what someone else said (can't remember and can't see, sorry!) - you need to be careful of yourself in this and not allow yourself to be emotionally drained.

Is she the type of friend you can get drunk with? Why not suggest that she makes tomorrow the first day of the rest of her life, get drunk, make plans, let her cry as much as she wants to but also encourage her to look forward. Perhaps even get her browsing some dating websites, not to seriously 'look' but to have a bit of a laugh and make her see that there are plenty of other people out there in the same boat?

I'm not a fan of counselling (having had a bad experience in the past) but there are divorce support websites etc that she could try.

I hope that things start improving - for both of you - soon ?

Ah - sorry, I missed the bit that said she was feeling suicidal. Best ignore me then!

Aw thank you all, it's so helpful to have another perspective. It's not in me to dwell in the same way, so I was wondering if I was being unkind in thinking it was now time to move on.

Sophie, she's had a brief and catastrophic fling since, which has made her determined to never try again. My mum says she's in a cycle of self-pity and she's not sure I'm helping. I think she might be right.

I've spoken to her just now - she's sad and sighing, but alive. I'm trying relentless upbeatness as my new tactic - I'm hoping if I ignore it, it might die from lack of 'food'.

Gosh i was getting frustrated Reading it, I can't imagine how you must feel.

However, i do think sometimes its hard to realise you're wallowing- you need someone to tell/ show you that there is a normal life you can get on with, but YOU have to make some positive action to participate in it. that if she spends any longer focused on this she will spend the rest of her life focused on this (we all knwo how 2 years become 4 become 8 become 20 don't we?)

Is there any chance a chat would help. i'm sure you've tried it though...

She is lucky to have you

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I think the only way now for you is to not indulge the wallow (that sounds harsh. I know she is devastated but it can't carry on like this indefinitely, for either of you)

I do think displacement and chivvying in the nicest possible way - I don't recommend telling her she's wallowing (will make her wallow more, I think)

Poor you and poor her. I think gentle but firm. EG it's not up to his family to be loyal to her anymore - they of course will always be more loyal to him - might be worth pointing these things out to her.

If someone takes away the comfy cushion, one tends to sit less on the hard chair, IYSWIM...

I reckon she isnt ready to move on. 2 years really isnt a long time on from when something that you werent expecting to end ended.

Her wedding anniverary, although since they have split up wont be important to most people, will still be important to her, so it wil be difficult for her just now.

If the anger hasnt moved on, then counselling may be a good idea. However, she has to be ready for that.

I am exhausted and probably coming across all wrong here, but I think in her own time until she is ready to seek other help, you have to just be the great friend you have been, and listen to her. The step of going for help is a big one, it just sounds to early yet for her.

You are doing the best for her being there, it may just be that she needs that for a bit longer. x

Has she had any counselling of any description? Because if not she sounds in desperate need of it.

The problem is JK you can't help her unless she helps herself so no you are not being harsh. All you can do is keep suggesting that she sees a counsellor and seeks some help, but until she is ready she won't listen... I htink youa re right not to feed her and to not let her wallow when she is with you and just hope that she sees sense in the end.

Hi JK

I can't do a detailed reply, but I do know what you mean. My dad has taken more than 5 years and was just as bad three months ago as he was the week after mum left him. Very very difficult, and we've all had to put boundaries up and let him find his own rock bottom. Very difficult not to Do Something especially as a medical person as that's what we're trained for, plus when it's family (or as good as family) you feel you ought to....

Do you know what's helped dad - getting a dog. Total displacement. The dog has saved him. He was up at the weekend and it's the first time in 5 years i've seen more than the barest glimpse of the old him. He's totally obsessed with the dog to the point of madness, but we're so thrilled with how he is after such a long time not getting better. I finally have hope. (the dog's cute too)

Is there anything completely intense that T could take on or undertake that would completely distract her? Is she still in the marital home (did that get sorted?) - should she move out? - change job, get a pet, adopt a granny, train for a marathon, anything to take her away from herself.

Hmm, I'd agree with Rache that she'd benefit from A Thing to take her in a different direction. It sounds as if she's very stuck at the moment.

Dear JK

Your situation is so tough, and your friend is really lucky to have you around. As one who has been supporting her friend through an awful year, I know a little of what you are going through. I have been my friends support 24/7 and know all the nitty-gritty, every last detail. My friend definitely wallowed and for a brief time was suicidal.

I am at the point now though where I dont know what to do, and finally I asked her what it is she wants from me. How could I support her and how could I (or couldn't I) help or encourage her to move on.

This made us both take stock a little and agree a clearish way forward. I will continue to love and support her and offer her whatever it takes; she has agreed to seek some therapy and to try and look forward and not dwell on the past - but to take it one step at a time.

I know with my friend, everyone rallied round, decried her ex as an absolute twunt and allowed and encouraged her to wallow and relive every single last detail, last conversations, moments etc. My friend has now decided that that cannot continue and that yes, she will get upset, but we should just carry on.

Its taken a year and a bit of her being at rock bottom, but this is now her decision. I have agreed I will be there, but unless I can help, ie, she says can you do X, I want to talk specifically about Y and get an outcome, then I am not going to "indulge" her in her woefulness. Its a huge step for her, and I absolutely forsee setbacks, but at least she has a plan and she knows that I will be there.

Good luck with your friend. You are being simply marvellous.

I can see what Smiley is saying - if her H had died, then I don't think anyone would be keen to put a time line on what would be reasonable for her to grieve, and it sounds like she is grieving for her marriage. I know not the same but I think there's parallels.

That said, I don't think that means you have to continue to help her "wallow" in her grief, there's a limit to how much support one person can give anyone and it's not healthy for your relationship with her in the long-term.

I think what Rache says about her finding something else to focus on and what others have said about finding counselling may all be useful. And what Tillybean says about being honest with her and asking her what you can do to help her move on.

I'm so sorry to hear your friend's in this postion though, it must be horrible for you too. ?