Can I make an exception to the "No children" rule?

Could the dad take the two children off somewhere during the ceremony (the bit I expect you're most worried about child noise) and then them all come back for the drinks reception and dinner but then dad takes them off for a walk during the speeches?

Maybe they could all stay after that as well?

Brutal honesty? I think it's extremely dodgy territory to make an exception I could accept a 'no children' rule if it was strictly enforced, but if I went to a childless wedding and had made other arrangements for my kids, then found other kids there, I'd feel really put out and also a little hurt... Sort of a 'why aren't MY kids special enough to have an exception made for them' if that makes sense.

However, I also doubt anyone would actually SAY anything to you at your wedding if you did allow your friend's kids to come so as long as you're not going to worry yourself excessively over it, then go with what feels right to you!

My cousin had a wedding a couple of years ago when she said no children but there were a couple of children there that she had made an exception for. She had given people plenty of notice (18 months) to arrange childcare, but obviously during that time, there were babies born, and they rang before the ceremony to see if an exception could be made, and she did it as she wanted those people there.

So I think if you are happy to have the children there, then I think you should be fine.

Tracey

I tend to agree with this. I think it would be extemely difficult to make an exception for one, no matter how valid the reason is.

Firstly its your day so you should do whatever you want. We had a no children rule apart from my sister and brothers chilldren who are all flowergirls/ring bearers etc, and we also invited my bridemaids daughter who is also flowergirl, I know that having her in particular (as she wasnt family) peed off one of my cousins who rang me to say I should have invited her son over friends daughter but you know what its my day so Ill do what I want thank you very much, (freind and daughter are travelling 200 miles) imagine how hard it would be to try and please everyone. If you want her there children and all then have her there and the people that you are close to who have children you could just explain to them the circumstances and I am sure they will understamd and if they dont then they'll get over it.

First of all, what a lovely thoughtful friend you have! I think some parents might be a bit peeved, yes, particularly if they've had to pay for childcare or make other costly/inconvenient arrangements. So, yes, people may well be peeved, but the question is - do you care? Especially if they're only there for a short while and will leave before the dinner, if anyone is rude enough to ask, you can say that they are only stopping by.

I don't think I'd be too impressed if I had to fork out for a babysitter to find others were allowed their kids there! No, I wouldn't *hate* you but how am I supposed to "realise" what the circumstances are? How am I supposed to know she's had to travel to the wedding? For all I know she lives down the road and could have just left a couple of pre-made bottles at home for the evening? Then why would the toddler be allowed? Are you going to go round and explain to all the parents who couldn't bring their kids?

Just read through that and it sounds quite aggressive. I'm sorry. I understand it's tricky for you! On the other hand, it's you're wedding. If you want your friend to be there (and that means with her kids) then so be it! After a few drinks no-one will notice the kids lol xxx

I too would agree with this....some friends who got married a few years ago had a strict no kids rule but a friend had a 4 month old baby so they made allowances for her as long as she wasn't present at the ceremony......it depends on how many other people you are inviting in the same boat really. If everyone else who is invited has older kids then I can't imagine it being too much of a problem, but if a few others also have tinies then prepare yourself for some dagger looks!

Being brutally honest I totally understand that she can't leave the 6 month at home, assuming they don't take expressed breast milk, but why can she not leave the 2 year old behind with a baby sitter / family or even her H for the day?

If I had kids, and i'd been asked to leave my 2 year old LO at home, but someone else had brought theirs,, then i'd be very miffed indeed regardless of the reasons for it. What would you do if anyone else said they couldn't come if they couldn't bring their LOs?

I think the baby is fair enough, if she is still breastfeeding - which will be evident throughout the day to other guests, as she won't be drinking and will either be feeding at the event or disappearing off to a quiet room to feed (depending on her preference).

I think the toddler is shaky ground, and it would be best if perhaps the daddy and toddler could go off to a nearby zoo, park, other attraction thing, etc. once dad has dropped off the baby after the ceremony.

But...at the end of the day it's your wedding, your rules ?

My CBM had to travel 3 hours to the wedding of a very close friend. She was told under no uncertain circumstances that her kids weren't allowed to be there. So her hubby went down, stayed int he hotel with her 4 month old and her 3 year old and she had to keep going to her hotel room every so often to feed the baby. Doesn't sound like much fun, but she did it.

We've said no kids because almost everyone we know has babies and toddlers and it would mean there being 20 or so under 6's.

The only kids that will be there are my H2B's 9 year old, the flowergirls and their siblings (5 kids in total). I am sure someone will have something to say about the fact we've said no kids yet there will be 5 there but it's our call at the end of the day.

I know this phase gets repeated a lot on Hitched, but it's not strictly true for everything! You do have to consider your guests to some degree as well.

Agreed. Although I suppose you could do whatever you wanted as long as you didn't mind having fewer friends after your wedding!

Well of course you do but you dont have to for everything. We have made lots of sacrafices to accomodate our guests but there has to be a line, and you cant please everybody, I learned that with my own planning.

Thanks for all the responses.

Including the couple in the original post, if we were to invite all children, we have 6 couples with 11 children between them, all above 18 months old (apart from my friend's new one). Three of those couples (accounting for 5 of the children) have responded "yes" and, as I know them well enough to make a bit of a call on it, none of them have problems with babysitting/leaving children/positively looking forward to a grown up do.

The problem here is that if all were to attend with children, we simply wouldn't have enough room at dinner. I don't know whether to contact those with children and say "If you preferred/were struggling to find babysitters, we could have the children during the day but simply can't fit them into dinner/evening - it's up to you if you just want to attend the daytime parts with children"? I don't have any problem with children during the ceremony/daytime, no matter how noisy they are (although the Mums would definitely whip them out ASAP if they cried during the ceremony). But as everyone has to travel to my wedding, we couldn't really separate children between day and night so felt it easier to exclude them altogether.

I don't often get stuck in making decisions but this is really perplexing me.

Hmm.. to be completely honest I think if I were one of the other guests (and I have two children) I would be very peeved at this exception being made for one person. I would need to find and fund childcare for both of my children and therefore coming to your wedding would cost me a days worth of childcare for two children which is not cheap. I would feel very resentful that I am paying this while one of your guests clearly has her children with her for some part of the day. As sammyjay said, I wouldn't actually say anything, but I would definitely not be happy about it. Just giving you my thoughts.

However, on the flip-side.. one of my partners friends invited us to their wedding a couple of years ago. The wedding was about a 2 hours drive from where we live and our daughter was only 3 months old so they made an exception for us because we said we couldn't come without her and OH didn't want to go to a wedding on his own where he wouldnt know anyone else. So they made an exception, but we only took the littlest one with us, the older child stayed with childminder for the day. Not sure how this made everyone else feel tbh, and I'll never know, but we either came with the 3 month old or we didn't come at all.

What about contacting the other parents and just saying "just to give you a heads up, I know we said no children, but we've had to make an exception for my friend who has a little baby. Didn't want you to arrive on the day and think we'd been unfair to you!". If they're close friends, I'm sure they'll understand and appreciate being forewarned and having the situation explained. I'd be much less miffed if someone had gone to the trouble of talking to me about it before the day.

Its so inconsiderate of people to have kids isnt it!!! hahah! I wanted no kids at ours as frankly they dont understand what is going on & some venues wont even give you cheaper meals! We are having fiances niece and nephew I think age 4 & 6 and then 3 very close friends of family children to reception. We were worried about peoples reactions but as a all his friends are travelling they are actually really pleased to have an adult weekend away without the children! The breastfeeding issue is different I know and if people cant see that the baby is too young to be left then so what!? Its your day & most people should be happy for you whatever you decide & if they're not give their invite to someone else!! haah! I find a lot of things we worry about is stuff people aren't bothered about we just think they will be!

I would agree with all of this, and also the person who said to ring up those with kids and explain you've had to make an exception for a breastfeeding baby and you hope they understand (sorry, have forgotten who it was).

If I attended your wedding having got a childminder for mine and saw your guest with her children I would assume there was a good reason for it and it is your choice. I am assuming those guests who are parents and have accepted your invitation are coming anyway and if childcare was an issue they would have declined the invitation.

I only have 4 guests with 7 children between them. As my venue charges 75 pounds per head regardless including children unless our minimum number requirement was exceeded I have given the guests the choice if they wanted to bring them along. As it is a weekend wedding they all said they would rather not bring them and would treat it as a weekend break as a couple. (PHEW!!)

Maybe I was an awful mean bride but I never thought much about this. If I knew the family and had met the children etc before we invited them all as a family. If I hadnt ever met them, didnt know the parents brilliantly etc we didnt.

We didnt do a 'no children' or 'children welcome' rule, we just kind of invited them like any other guest. The parents made the decision- same came without invited kids anyway, some didnt because we hadnt invited them but to be honest you cant please everyone.

At the end of the day, it is your wedding, and it is your decision as to who you invite.

We are in the same position, we have about 90 guest and half of those have up to 3 children so do the maths, way too much expense and although we have 2 of our own we don't want a lot of kids running around. Most of the people we spoke to said they wouldn't want to bring the kids anyway and are looking forward to a day/night out as couples.

We did however make a couple of exceptions and invited my 3 yr old daughters little buddy to keep her company, but she will be leaving shortly after the evening starts, and 11yr old boy who has special needs so has to come in order for his mum and granny to attend, and my 11yr old daughters friend to keep her company.

Like you we were contacted by one of our friends to say that his 1yr old is still breastfeeding and his wife really wanted to come so could they bring her, so we've made an exception there also. Although they have said they won't bring their 3 year old.

I think that if our friends had wanted to bring their 3 year old also I would maybe have had second thoughts as unless it is a genuine reason why someone has to bring their child, if you have not specifically invited children then that means those children are not invited. x

Well, here's a cat amongst the pigeons (Sammyjay)... Have heard on the Mum grapevine that my cousin is struggling to find a babysitter for her two. Mum asked discreetly what the deal was and she said she didn't want them there and if necessary, hubby would stay at home with them. Hmmm. I am still prevaricating and haven't made any 'offers' to anyone yet. Damn.

Ah that is a tricky one FTLoMB.

Did you give your friend a final decision as yet?

Not yet, and am at the stage where it's beginning to look as if I am ignoring her. Need to sort this out.

What we have decided is for my friend to have her two there for the day (if she wants that), then to approach the other parents about this situation. The others can be broadly divided into two sets - friends and family children.

All the (other) friends with children have replied "Yes" and not mentioned about any difficulties with the "No Children" rule. As they are my friends, I feel comfortable laying it on the line: "Sorry to be a bit rubbish about this but (friend's name) needs to bring her very tiny baby with her, to the day only. I know you have all made other arrangements for your own children already. But if it would be easier for you to do something similar, let me know. Really sorry but we still couldn't have them for dinner/evening".

The family will be trickier, mostly because I haven't actually had formal responses from them yet so am somewhat preempting problems. But something like: "Hello. X and I have realised that the "No children" rule could be problematic for you. If this might the only reason you couldn't join us at our wedding, please let us know and we will try to arrange a compromise e.g. daytime attendance with (children's names)? It would be lovely to see you all there for the day."

Thoughts?

That sounds like a good plan!

TBH, I think you're making a lot more work for yourselves, and also that if you give people the choice then many will choose to bring their children. I would allow the baby as the mother is still breastfeeding, and ask her to make other arrangements for the toddler. Nobody will object to a babe in arms being there, they will understand the reasoning behind it.

I see & fully undertand what you are tryin to do here & i think your guests will appreciate it.

What we have done is invite family children - out of 2 babies / toddlers only the 1 is coming - the rest have made other arrangements - PHEW!

We have 3 friends with children - & we didnt put their children on the invite - we know they want a day out. However if they contact us to say babysitter problems etc we will let the child come. But we havnt put this 'out there'

I would be inclined put the feeders out amongst family & friends that a friend cannot attend unless she brings her breast feeding child. And leave it at that. If anyone else contacts you with similar probs (ie your cousin) I would let them bring their child as well.