conflicting religious views

Tell your OH to stand up to his father and say you shall be having the wedding that two of you - the couple - decided. It's got nothing to do with his father.

ditto this 100%. It is your wedding, no one else's and you have to do what's right for you. FIL2B has no right to expect you to have a church wedding. He has the right to ask, but you (as a couple) have the absolute right to say no. At the end of the day though it might come down to how strongly you feel about not getting married in a church over potentially not marrying your love if he is nor willing to support you in this. You will likely find though that as it is a catholic church, if you are honest with the priest about your views, chances are he wouldn't marry you in his church anyway

Its your wedding, not his fathers. Does he somehow think that if you don't get married in church, that it won't be legal?!

Stick to your guns, if you don't want to get married in church, you'll hate every second of it & will regret it for the rest of your life. Your OH needs to grow a backbone & stand up for the two of you & what the two of you want.

Or.....& I don't want to cause any proroblems but is it your OH that has decided this?!

Everyone else is right. Your FIL2B can't insist on it. If your H2B has changed his mind and genuinely wants a church wedding too, you have a tough decision to make. Otherwise his family will just have to butt out.

Just for background, I am a practising catholic and had some tough decisions to make regarding my wedding and my faith. Due to reasons I won't go into here, I could have had my previous marriage annulled and so had my second wedding in church. However, my h2b is also divorced and atheist so we made the decision to have a civil service.

Your OH has to decide for himself where his priorities lie, what is most important to him and how strong his faith is. He needs you to be understanding and supportive of his decisions regarding your wedding. He also needs to speak to his father and let him know that your decision as a couple is one of the foundations you will build your relationship on.

I sympathise deeply with him as it is never easy to stand against your parents and he may have to do that but I suspect he feels very torn in two right now.

Whatever you decide, it needs to be a joint decision and if FIL isn't paying the bill, then tough - he has no say.

Sending hugs xxxx

Seeing as you can have a religious blessing after the registrar has left, surely that is a happy compromise and FFIL will be happy with that?

Bit of a far-out suggestion, but how about eloping? Then having a religious blessing for all of the family?

I feel very frustrated for you, that someone has to dictate where you should get married, especially if you aren't religious, that is not fair. That is like denying a Christian a church wedding. I really really hope that FFIL will compromise. But I do agree that your h2b needs to speak his mind about it all to his father too. He can't physically force you to do anything. Yes it may cause a rift, but surely not a permanent one!

Please don't let them make you do something you really don't want to do. Just remember, if it causes a rift, you can take comfort in the fact that it is his fault, not yours.

Maybe your FIL2B is worried about what his relatives will think? Is the whole family very religious?

To be honest your OH will just have to stand up to him. If getting married in a church means nothing to you, it would seem strange to do that.

Perhaps OH's dad didn't understand that you would still have a blessing? It's odd that he's done such a u-turn after seemingly being quite relaxed about it all.

Hope you find a solution.

This is the most helpful reply, but thank you to everyone so far.

As stated, if it is what my OH really wants then I will respect that fully, but as it stands I know that it's not the case. If he changes his mind, fine but again I know that at this point he hasn't.

Lets not forget that family relationships can be very complicated and are never black and white. So it is not black and white to say his dad has no say.

Then best solution will come but I am so hurt at the moment that I wasn't even consulted or considered in his dads thinking.

I was speaking to his sister after and she said that his dad didn't realise that we could have a blessing after (even though that was explained). She told me that she did reiterate this to him and he understood but then still said it has to be a church.

Thanks, I know we will find a solution but I needed to let it all out :-)

Thank you for such a great reply. :-)

I thought that was a great compromise to be honest. but seemingly not.

Eloping would never work for us because we want all our family and friends there to see us get married. I wish we werent so family orientated haha

When I know I can articulate this in a constructive way and I am less upset I will talk to my OH about it again but I know he will be feeling super stressed about it. Because we can approach this as a team, or my OH can approach it with his dad but I know that I couldn't. I know his sister agrees with us.

How about a celebrant? This means hymns can still be sung and the readings can still be religious, yet you won't have to do it in a church setting (with a celebrant you can do it absolutely anywhere), and you can have your normal music and un-religious readings as well... Kind of a mix between the two views.

Would that be a possibility I wonder?

Hmmm... that's a bit odd. It all sounds like a misunderstanding to me.

Maybe he thinks you can only have a Catholic blessing at a church (he may be right for all I know)?

I'd go and see the priest and work out if he can do the blessing for you. If it's good enough for the priest it'll have to be good enough for the sheep ;-)

If you are not baptised and explicitly state you are an atheist, the Catholic priest may refuse to marry you anyway. Just a suggestion if they do try to push you down that route...

What is your FFiL threatening that has made your OH change his mind so suddenly and definitely? Try to work this out with him. You also need to think about how you will deal with religion if you have children - the Catholic church and your OH's family may well expect them to be baptised Catholics, which could cause more trouble for you if you don't nip this in the bud now.

This is a difficult one as I can see both points of view.

I mean absolutely no offence by this AT ALL, but the way you describe the conversation with your OH it sounds like you talked him out of the church wedding a bit. If he was umming and ahhing about it he may have decided to go along with it for an easy life as he knows how you feel about a church wedding. Then when his Dad raised it with him it maybe changed his mind back and made him decide its something HE really wants? Have you asked OH if this is something HE wants or just something he feels he has to do for his family? If its for his family then I agree with you, but ifs its something HE wants I think you should consider it.

Me and my OH are having a church wedding, my OH is not religious at all but I was raised as a Catholic. Since leaving my home town and going to Uni (10 years ago now) I have not been a regular church goer but early on in the planning I mentioned that I would like to get married at MY church in our home town, its where I was baptised, had my first holy Communion and confirmation. OH understood and said that all he wants is to marry me, the where and the how doesn't matter to him as the end result will still be the same so he was happy to go along with what I wanted but we decided that if the priest was not happy to marry us there then we would have a civil ceremony as if it couldn't be MY church then I didn't want just ANY church. Luckily the priest was happy to marry us. We have had to jump through a few hoops like going to a pre-marriage course and getting dispensation from the bishop for marrying a non-catholic and I have had to go to church regularly (your OH would have to go but not you necessarily as you do not have to agree to convert or anything, your OH will just have to make a declaration to try and bring up any children in the catholic faith).

I will say though that our priest has been really nice and has let us have the ceremony exactly as we want, we are having a non-religious reading as well as a religious one and you can really tailor your day as much as you want.

Good luck with everything, I think you both just need to sit down and discuss it rationally and maybe go meet the priest at the church you would want to marry in and see what sort of vibe you both get? It may help make a decision either way?

I think it's a bit unfair to say OP 'talked him out of it'. To me it sounded like OP pointed out that he'd have to jump through some hoops and attend regularly and that put him off, which indicates he's not that committed to the idea.

I do agree that the most important thing is to find out what OH wants. If it's important to him that do think about it. if not, then don't do it for your FIL.

I agree that family relationships can be tricky and are never black and white. His dad can have his say but ultimately it's your wedding and he cannot insist you marry in church. He may voice his opinions and tell you his preferences and let you know what he would like you to do that would make him happiest but his son and you are both adults and can make your own decisions. I think he's being very unfair.

I hope when you've had a chance to speak to your OH properly about it, you guys can come to a decision that suits you both and that his father will understand and accept what you decide.

Just a head's up, unless things have changed (which they may have!) - there'd be A LOT of hoops for you to jump through to be married in a Catholic church.

When my parents married in a catholic church (Dad was catholic, Mum wasn't) the priest insisted that my mum attended Catholicism classes and converted before he would marry them. My mum went along with it because it was so important to his family but it wasn't as simple as just going 'oh ok then' so if you both feel strongly that you don't want to marry in a catholic church then this may help you justify that, not that you should have to.

Like others have said it's a personal decision and nobody can make it for you (not here or family!!) but I do think it's important to sit down and discuss it again, and if needs be your OH needs to stand up to his dad.

So did your fiancé's father make this decision that it had to be a church wedding or is it what your fiancé really wants himself? If it's the former, why are you even involving his parents? You're both grown adults and I haven't even discussed with my parents the ins and outs of the ceremony we are having. They are in for a shock when they realise it's a full pagan ceremony complete with blood oath but that's our choice. They can like it or lump it. I don't understand why they are even involved. Are they paying for it?

If it's what your fiancé wants, if it's really important to him, then you will have to work out a compromise. It's his wedding as much as it's yours.

This is it here. There is only one person who can move my OH and that is his dad. I may not be religious but I do know that it's not as simple as us saying lets get married in a church and then doing it.

I wanted him to be aware that even though he liked the idea of it, it would mean recommitting to his faith (as well as making me pretend to commit to a faith I dont believe in). I don't want to do that if he is not 100% serious about it, but likes the idea of getting married in a church.

I really appreciate everyone's advice. It is a conversation we need to sit down and have again and really establish what he wants to do. He knows and has known since we met that I am not religious but likewise I know he has grown up in a religious family.

It is going to be a long road to a solution we are all happy with. Luckily we have 2 years to sort it.

I just really needed to get out all my thoughts.

You are a supportive lot, aren't ya!

As I said, if that's what he wants then we can find a compromise. In fact we did and he was happy with that. Read back and you will see I have said all along If it is what he really wants then I would do it.

You shouldn't be 'pretending' anything, regardless if he is serious about it or not. Going along with it because of him (although I know he's not decided), is very insulting to people do belong to the Catholic faith. I'd like to think that the Priest would see right through you and refuse to conduct the marriage anyway.

You commented before saying that family relationships were not black and white so I had no right to say it wasn't FIL's place. Well unless you are marrying him, then no, it's not his place. Yes it's complex trying to please everyone, but ulitmately you and your OH are the most important people. This is forgotten so many times during wedding planning!

Your compromise and original plan sounds brilliant, and the best compromise. Have you considered a Humanist ceremony? My friend who is Aethiest recently married her husband who CofE. They had a humanist ceremony and it was totally lovely, all parties thought so. The next day they then had a blessing in his faith. Both of them found the middle ground and respected the other's wishes in this way - without either having to pretend anything.

It's not your FIL's wedding.

The decision lies with you and your OH, not his family. Don't just go into things to make them happy. It has to be a joint decision between the two of you. Also, where will it end? What about when you have children, will they insist they're baptised, go to a catholic school? The wedding is just the start! Think about it. Your views matter too, religion does not trump them.

Nowhere did I say you had no right to say that, what I was saying that it is not always as simple as saying they (the family) don't have a say.

This is an open forum and I put my post here for views, so why would I then say you have no right to give yours?

I apologise, you did not say I had no right to say that, I worded it wrongly. Regardless of 'not black and white' family relationships, I still stand by my original reply, it's not his place. I'm surprised that's what you found to pick up on from my post though!

As a few people have mentioned it I would like to point out that this is really not the case in all Catholic churches! My OH has not had to convert, he came along to a couple of masses to meet the priest afterwards but other than that he hasn't had to do much. In my experience it has been much more work for me as the catholic. You will need dispensation from the bishop but that is more of a formality I think as long as the priest is happy to perform the marriage. If the non-catholic partner has been Christened (of any Christian denomination) it is slightly more straight forward.

We had to get permission from our local parish priest where we live and also permission from the priest from our home town who will be marrying us (and dispensation from both bishops). We have done all our preparations with our local parish and the ceremony planning has been with the priest who will be marrying us. Both of them have been extremely accommodating of OH and have not pressured him to convert.

Sorry OP not really relevant to your original post but as this is an open forum I thought I would mention this just in case anyone reading is considering a wedding in a catholic church.

This is really helpful to me and actually makes me feel less apprehensive. If through open dialogue we find that the best thing is for us to get married in the church then I will make sure we try and have a situation like this.

It all seems so open and in favour of both people in the relationship.

Thank you

lol cos that was the only thing I disagreed with.

If I thought it was as simple as "pretending" then I wouldn't need to post here. I think I mentioned earlier that I would feel a hypocrite getting married in a church.

We talk about compromise though and that's why I say if my OH wants it and is ready to commit to it then I will for him. it won't mean I suddenly believe in god but as LRsoontobeLH pointed out, there are potentially ways it can be done without me having to convert. His happiness is very important to me.

Some people are mentioning our children. If he wanted them brought up in the Catholic faith that would be fine with me. It is me who doesn't believe in god. I can't disregard their beliefs or deny them the chance to teach our child about their faith.

All churches / priests are different, that advice is obviously correct. But I'm presuming in the case of the poster who gave you the advice, her OH wasn't openly Aethiest?!

Just to clarify, no he didn't go in shouting that he thought God was a load of old hooie or anything like that. He was respectful of mine and the priests beliefs but said that he himself had no religious beliefs and had not been Christened.

There is a way to be respectful without having to "pretend" that you believe something you don't. You just need a balance and yes all priests and parishes will be different so it would all depend on the decision of the priest of the church where you would like to marry. All the priests we have come across in our preparations have been extremely accommodating but that is only our experience.

Good look specialee85, Im sure you will have a wonderful day whatever you decide to do!

I will want them to learn about all faiths. I went to church as a child but was never christened. I formed my own opinions as I got older.

They can learn about all the different faiths and and decide what they want to believe as they grow and form their own opinions as I was able to.

If I have no issues with religion and what people chose as their religion. I want a child who knows about all of them and then if they decide to follow one in particular then they are more than welcome.

If my partner felt like he wanted them to have the catholic faith then he would be the one to teach them, but they would also be taught that if that wasnt what they believed in then that's ok.

Thank you.

I agree 100%.

I never thought I would be here to be honest because religion (or lack of) has never been an issue for me and my partner. We definitely need to manage the expectations of his parents now rather than later.

Ouch... that's a bit harsh.... I don't think OP said she was going to pretend anything. It doesn't sound like his faith is a large part of OP's H2B's life, so it's no surprise that OP is caught unawares and is just considering her options. She sounds like a considerate lady to me so I'm sure she'll be honest and act with integrity.

OP - it's great that you want to keep your future husband happy and compromise is always the word. From what i've heard so far I'd say go for your initial idea of having a blessing.

Do bear in mind that if you have to sign a declaration that you will bring up your children as Catholics that would require commitment to at least share the premise of the faith and not just a 'stand back and watch' attitude. Are you comfortable with that? Is your OH comfortable with that?

You said you would speak to your H2B and really find out what he wants to do. That is the best thing to do and I hope you have a real heart to heart about what you both actually believe in. You seem very clear about what you believe, but OH might not be quite so sure. That's completely ok - we work these things out at different times in our lives. Maybe he's just realised that it's more important to him than he thought.

IF H2B does want to have a Catholic ceremony I would suggest that you meet a priest and perhaps find out a bit more about H2B's faith. Just to be clear I'm saying that knowledge can give you a better understanding of your OH/his family and why they do things a certain way. I'm not suggesting that you convert. Perhaps the marriage prep course is a good start? you could get to know the priest and even if you decide not to go ahead you've done something to strengthen your marriage. That's assuming that your church provides a decent marriage prep course by the way. I think they vary a bit. Our's was fab and is run at quite few churches so if you want more info feel free to message me.