Could you ever sympathise with a cheat?

It's funny because if you removed all mention of the cheating behaviour and left the gender of both parties undisclosed, many would say that the behaviour of the wife is emotionally abusive and certainly would sympathise with him being tempted by affection from elsewhere.

In a nutshell.

Yes, I do sympathise to a certain extent. But why hasn't he left if things are that bad? A child is not a reason to stay together if you are that unhappy, especially if that unhappiness leads to cheating.

That's always the stumbling block with me - I understand people being unhappy in relationships and I understand falling in love with someone else and starting a relationship with them but in my view the two should not overlap.

You word things so well!!

Exactly this. Nothing she has done would have prevented him from ending it with her first IMO. And I would say the same if the sexes were reversed... and have said the same in fact.

I can understand why he would WANT to find affection somewhere else, BUT don't understand why he didn't end it first. He was clearly unhappy enough to cheat so the relationship was not working for him anyway.

No I don't sympathize, he had a choice to stay with her or leave, he should have been honest with her and left, not go behind her back for three months especially when they have a child together.

They've been on and off for the last few months, she kicks him out and he has to go back to the 'rents then he begs to come back or she begs him to come back and round and round they go. I think he has stayed because of the baby, they each have a child from a previous relationship and one of his fears was having to be a "weekend dad" again so has tried to make it work. Some might say this was why she had the baby in the first place but that's a whole other topic...

Excellently worded.

No excuse for cheating at all.

If you don't want to be with the person you are with, then get out. Don't go sh*gging around because you don't feel loved in that relationship.

I would also like to point out that I do not agree with cheating. However, to expand on what Arquard very excellently worded and perhaps to play a devil's advocate, there is a chance that he felt so beaten and downtrodden that he may have been scared to leave or felt so worthless that he didn't think he was worthy of anything else. It sounds like an incredibly mentally abusive relationship. I like to think that if I were in a mentally abusive relationship I would simply pack my suitcase and walk out immediately but I know it sometimes isn't as easy as that. Perhaps he just found comfort in that someone took an interest? Perhaps it went too far but I think I could see how it would happen. I think. Or could he be scared that she could try and stop him seeing the baby if he left? Again, I just want to reiterate that I do not agree with cheating at all - just trying to throw a different perspective on it.

Not perfectly put at all but I hope you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean Enjayee. The sad thing about it all is that she has been such a monster to him thinking it would somehow keep him, I don't think she realised just how awful she was being. She rolled over and took crap from the last bloke and he binned her off so I think she's expected this behaviour to work. She's beyond devastated that he's gone but I suppose it's too little to late.

Funny you should bring this topic up, as the book I've just finished reading is about cheating, and I actually found myself rooting for the "other man" instead of the characters' husband. More than that, I ended up feeling hatred towards her husband, even though he was the one being cheated on.

Oi! I'm a secretary ?

Yep, when he was popping up to pick the kids up, he was popping something else up as well!

Ha.

I was all ready to come on here and say no, no way, cheating is unacceptable in any which way. However, reading the background, I can see what's pushed him to do it. She hasn't treated him fairly, he should have left rather than cheated which would have been fairer all round, but I do sympathise a little here.

Also, I would like to say that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. I've perhaps looked like a mardy ar*e when put with H but noone saw the sh*tty behaviour before we left the house....

Other thing I remembered is about how men are wired to be 'action led' rather than mentally. So actually doing the action to spilt the relationship works in their heads. A lot of mme would be insulted by this theory I'm sure. But it was interesting. Wish I could remember more substance to the theory actually now ?

I sympathise with his situation but not with his response to it. He has a mouth, he should have used it and said he was unhappy/it wasn't working etc. Grow a pair.

No excuse for cheating, they is always some underlying cause so just deal with that.

None of us know what really goes on in other people's relationships, so whatever my general thoughts and reaction I wouldn't like to judge. It's too easy to be "black or white" about things like this, and I know I can be so deliberately stand back.

Not really no, I think if you are unhappy and are willing to cheat you shouldnt be in that relationship.

?

I sympathise with his situation completely. It must be awful but I don't sympathise with his reaction to it. I can understand he maybe felt trapped and needed affection somewhere but that doesn't make it right.

Although this sounds awful for him, 2 wrongs don't make a right and it should've been spoken about before it got so bad he seeked affection elsewhere. However, saying this, I don't know them and maybe they did talk and she didn't change, who knows.

I guess the background indicates that the cheating is a sympton of a bigger illness, but of course it's not morally right. But if I was in that situation, and kicked out, treated badly etc, I do not think I would feel much loyalty to the person doing that to me.

But as others have said, you never really know what goes on in a situaiton like that. Of course you *should* end things first before starting something else, but maybe you don't care about doing the right thing by somebody who treats you badly.

Oh are you reading Anna Karenina?

Beautiful put as always. Totally agree.

I know someone who cheated on his wife, and I can honestly say I don't blame him. She was nasty, violent and a complete bully. He had to have multiple operations on his knee after she flung a plate at him on holiday in front of us because she and my mum got back from the spa and my dad and G hadnt made the tea. He stuck by her for 30 years but couldn't take it anymore. He fessed up to cheating because he felt guilty and she forced him to stay (threatening to top herself etc). 2 years later he cheated again, and finally left his wife. He is now married to the other woman.

There are some situations where I can sympathise, though ideally you should always leave first purely out of respect for the other person.

There isn't an excuse for cheating, just mitigating circumstances. I have cheated (not current OH) and know it was very wrong of me to do so. The first relationship was very mentally and emotionally destructive and led to attempted suicide. The second instance was an immature reaction to not being ready for a relationship and then screwing it all up anyway. A bit like the 'action into effect' theory.

I learnt from those and for a while thought that a boyfriend would one day cheat on me - karma I guess. So far I don't think they have so I am lucky. I now hope that I would voice my concerns/leave the relationship instead of cheating.

No.

There are no excuses for cheating. Don't be in a relationship if you want to cheat.

Work through or at least attempt to work through issues. There are two sides to every story.

I've seen too many people devastated by behaviour such as this, even if the relationship had run it's course the pain that was caused could have been minamalised.

I would say the way she treats him is unacceptable, but thats no excuse to cheat. If you are unhappy, you leave! Perhaps my view is too black and white, but no, there isnt an excuse for cheating.

No, I can't. I could sympathise with him if he had just fallen in love with someone else but hadn't acted on it. As soon as he acted on his feelings all rights to sympathy were lost because his sins are now far worse than hers. He should have left her if he didn't want to be with her, whatever the situation with the child is. Staying with her but cheating on her is not beneficial for the child.