Could you Forgive & Forget?

I'd forgive. Obv you're hurt and upset (and rightly so) but to me, it seems a small incident to throw a good relationship away for. That said, you need to have 100% confidence that it was a drunken one-off to be able to move forward.

OH and I differ on this issue wildly. For him, it would be over if I did that.

I hope you work it out ?

Hmm I'm probably not best placed to give advice but I think the reason behind it would be the important thing. If he was genuinely very drunk and not sure of what he was doing I think I'd be needing reassurance that he didn't get himself in that position again.

Do you think there is more to it than being very, very drunk? Would counselling help do you think?

Personally, like you I probably would have gone slightly crackers at the time, but I would forgive and forget. There are a lot worse things than a drunken snog that neither party remembers.

There is no way he would even consider this as a option and i dont think i would benefit from it

Yes, I would forgive but I'd think it would be important to look at ways in which you could prevent this happening again.

No way. I understand that it's all a bit raw at the moment, but that will fade given time. Unless you have any reason to believe there is more to this than he is letting on, I think a second chance is probably in order. Heaven knows I've done things when drunk that I still cringe about 15 years later.

And for me personally I think it would be something I could forgive but I'm not sure my H would do the same. I think you do really need to talk about and work out whether it was just the drink or some underlying problem and if the former I think it would be more of a case of him assuring you he won't get himself in such a state again.

Also, part of me would find it funny to go out again with said mate and OH and watch as they both sit there desperate for a fag but terrified to go outside...but then I'm an evil cow!

WHS

I've sort been this soldier although I didn't actually see it and it wasn't a friend - more an acquaintance. H told me he had been caught by his friend snogging a housekeeper in the hotel where he used to work (this was about 6 years ago). He only vaguely remembered it as he was so paraletic and to top the night off he had lost his wallet (he's usually v careful with that so it was another indication of how pished he was - I reckon the woman nicked it as she's rough as mince)

I went mental and was so hurt at the time but with reflection he could have done soooo much more - he was punishing himself so much he didn't need me having a go. H was the one who told me about it as well - he didn't have to do that. Anyway, 6 years on we're married and its not happened since.....I still pass the housekeeper and wonder how she spent the £50 in H's wallet.....

Maybe you've answered your own question with the line above. I would also be extremely upset over this and I'd be inclined to think a)if he really couldn't remember or know what he was doing and b) if there was any other times when he did something similar and "couldn't remember".

However marriage is for good times or bad, and til death do us part, and I'd really be working things through and talking things over with my partner before I wrote my marriage off.

It must be terrible for you, I hope it works out well. ?

thats the other thing.......... there is no way that we can all go out together again!

I do beleive he is sorry and i really dont think there was anything behind it.

I think i can forgive, i certainly wont be forgetting in a hurry and i think that it were the other way round i dont think he would forgive me

thanks for your replies, i am pleased some of you have said you would forgive.

I asked 2 of my IRL friends and they all said there is no way they could forgive and i was beggining to think everyone would think i am a complete mug if i forgave

Sorry x posted. I understand it is still so raw but I do think it's definitely worth trying to forgive and forget. I know how drink can make you do very silly things ?

I think that situation i'd forgive. Your H was drunk and so was your friend, and i have had situations where i have been so drunk i couldn't remember what had happened.

My H snogged another girl on his stag do! I forgave him as i saw the state he was in when he got home, he was paraletic. I have to admit for some reason it didn't hurt me to know he'd done that and i always thought it would, maybe it's because he told me it was her that instigated it rather than him, i don't know but all i do know is that i forgave him.

Give your H a chance if you know that deep down he loves you and he generally wouldn't go out of his way to hurt you/

You must be feeling crappy. I'd be feeling crappy. But as others have said: They were drunk, they're both sorry and embarassed. It's not worth ending a good relationship over though. If they'd slept together, then it'd be another matter.

Forgive. Forget (Eventually) and move on.

Hope you feel ok.

x

I would also like to join the Forgive camp. I'ts a very upsetting business and you must be very angry, but in the great scheme of things I think it is a forgivable offence.

Good luck

WSS

I'd probably forgive, eventually although i'd find it extremely hard. And I agree with Sophie, you need to make sure it doesn't happen again, he should know when to stop drinking rather than getting himself into a state where he doesn't know what he's doing.

I couldn't throw away a marriage over it, however, I would be extremely gutted to know that drink could make my OH lose his inhabitions to the point he would have kissed my friend.

Lads night out, and someone coming on to him, hmm, different IMO

I would be wondering if I hadn't caught them, would it have become a regular occurence? Why did he feel the need to kiss someone? Why didn't he automaticaly think of you?

Good luck with sorting everything out. I hope I haven't been too negative ?

That is a really dangerous train of thought and one that is almost guaranteed to make sure that the OP gets totally screwed up and it ruins their relationship! There's no value what so ever in thinking about "what ifs". The OP knows what happened, it was a silly drunken kiss and no amount of dwelling on it will help the current situation.

In answer to the question i would move from it. As others have said, they were drunk, it was silly and they've both apologised. I think you need to set out some boundaries with your OH and then just move on from it. I would also forgive my friend as I think my not doing so you are creating a bigger issue.

Where you also drunk? If so, i think these things are always worse when you are drunk yourself. My H kissed a friend, I was very, drunk and TOTALLY overreacted, I am ashamed of the way I handled the situation and it was actually some great advice from NickJ that made me see sense. If I had been sober I'd have laughed it off, my being drunk made the whole thing distorted.

It's been 2 weeks, you need to let go of it before it really does damage your relationship. You also need to not dwell on it and don't wind yourself up net time they are together or he goes out alone. One drunken kiss doesn't make him a serial womaniser.

I have to agree with Sophie here. It will be hard as you have been betrayed. You need to talk to your H and see how this won't happen again and there is nothing more in it, or has there been before? I have been through my H having an affair and we are still together, its tough at times but you can learn to forgive.

? talk to your H, hopefully he will be honest with you and you both can move on together ?

Actually Poochanna has posted some v good advice. Don't dwell on it, I have been there and it does you no good. You need to move on. ?

WPS

I think in reality if you'd never have caught them neither of them would have remembered in the morning - no harm done. Please don't go down the what if route.

A friend of mine came up to me a few months ago with a similar dilemma - only in this case her OH (her first boyfriend) and her were due to get married. The circumstances seem pretty much identical - it was a drunken one-off between two people who temporarily forgot themselves thanks to alcohol, and there was no evidence whatsoever that it was any more than that.

My advice was to forgive - and they were married a fortnight ago. I found out later that I wasn't the only person being asked for advice, and "forgive" won hands down.

And I'd say exactly the same to you.

Forgive - don't throw a good relationship away for the sake of a drunken kiss.

I would forgive, no question.

However, I would probably be concerned about how drunk my OH was getting. Heaven knows, I love to drink and have made a tit of myself on zillions of occasions, but I think to be so drunk that you snog your partner's friend is quite extreme- I'd have to be almost unconscious, I think. Of course the extreme drunkeness may also be out of character and if so that's fine, but otherwise if I were your OH I'd consider it a sharp wake-up all that I was drinking more than I could handle. I'm not suggesting a drink problem or anyting, just that he needs to know his limits.

This is what I was getting at, really. It's not like snogging someone you shouldn't is an inevitable consequence of getting drunk, like a hangover - it's not something that ought to happen. I don't think you need to analyse it to death, and there's no question that I'd forgive, but I think he needs ot be aware in future that he has the potential to do very destructive things when there's drink taken.

Something similar happened with my ex, only he went home with her and slept on her floor. Apparently.

I was never able to get past it. For a while him touching me at all made me feel physically sick and much as I wanted to forgive and forget, I never really did, it was always there niggling at me in the background, especially when he went out with the mates who "let" him go home with her.

There were problems in our relationship though, it was by no means perfect and while it lasted another 18 months after that, that was probably more staying together out of habit and convenience than anything else.

So obviously this sort of thing is a major sticking point for me, but not for many other people. Good luck sorting things out. I sincerely hope you can get past it. ?

Over a drunken kiss that isn't remembered I would not be prepared to throw away my relationship. I would forgive and forget. Don't let yourself get drawn into what ifs is my only advice deal with the here and now.

I would forgive. It'd take a bit and things would be different for a while, but I wouldn't let it destroy my relationship if it was really good/perfect otherwise.

I'm not sure I could forgive the friend though, but that's probably just me being a bit odd.

I am really surprised that everyone so far has said forgive. i certainly wouldn't. i don't think i could trust him again.

I dont know whether i could, i would like to think i could, but i do think i would have problems trusting him if he were to go out and get drunk again or if he were ever in the company of the friend, but that is just me.

i agree with julz that i would also have trouble forgiving the friend

could you talk through your worries with him and hopefully sort things out?