Dad Dilemma

Tough one. I really don't envy you the decision. Even though you know the bad behaviour and insults etc are the illness it doesn't make it any easier to deal with or not be upset by.

I personally wouldn't want to deal with that or be on edge all day waiting to see how his behaviour will progress through the day on my wedding day. It's a shame there aren't any meds that will stabilise his behaviour??? Sooo I think I wouldn't invite him. Add to his illness that your relationship was never all it should have been even when he was well and that your godparents basically brought you up that not adds to the decision for me.

Hopefully the family will support and understand whatever decision you make but either way this had to be your decision and not theirs.

I would love to know what you eventually decide and good luck with your decision. Xx

His meds should stabilise him but sometimes he doesn't take them and lies about it. It's an ongoing problem that we're trying to sort out with docs and social services. ☹️

I should have clarified that when I was growing up and he was well, I was very close to my dad. He's done some wonderful things for me. Prime example he sold a car and bought a cheaper one to pay for me to go to the performing arts college I wanted to.

My family, In-laws and friends are being incredibly supportive, especially H2B. He's basically said what you've said Jayne to be honest, but has also said it's my decision and he will support whatever decision I make. I'm a very lucky lady to have a wonderful partner in crime! Thanks for your advice x

That's a really tough decision to make and I have nothing very helpful to add other than to ask if your Dad is getting the correct help/ medication- does he have a psychiatric 'Keyworker' who sees him regularly to monitor his well being? If not, ask him to get his GP to refer him to the local community mental health team as he's unlikely to be getting the correct support and possibly unlikely to be getting the correct medication *just* from his GP.

As to your decision... it really does have to be YOUR decision... it's not one I envy you having to make as potentially you could regret it either way.

When you've imagined your wedding in the past, presumably without worrying about your dad's illness, who did you think would be walking you down the aisle? I think I might be led by that, but on the other hand, if you think it's likely that your Dad will potentially completely ruin your day, I would be inclined not to even invite him, sad though that will be.

Good luck whatever you decide x

Hiya

a difficult situation! I think if this was me, I would sit Dad down and tell him you would like him to be involved but only if he takes his meds and is stable. I would be honest with him and say that I would be worried there would be drama and explain no bride needs that on her wedding day! If he can't promise to keep stable then I wouldn't invite him. Which sounds harsh I know but he is in control, or rather, can be in control. I think that if he can't promise you this then go with your godfather. He has also been a big part of your life by the sounds of it. Is the aisle big enough for both of then to walk down either side maybe?

But I guess if you are closer to godfather than father, I would maybe go with that option?

I hope you manage to sort it :-)

Is it a situation that might improve in the next four months? If not then I second the idea of talking to dad about your concerns and seeing if he can sort it out. If not then you may have to make the difficult choice of him not being there. If he can sort it out could both dad and Godfather walk you up the ailse together? One on either side?

Sorry I can't be a lot of help, I hope you can sort something x

I think you should ask your godfather to walk you down the aisle, but on the understanding that IF your dad is well and in a good mood, you may switch to him at 24 hours notice.

Ask your dad to sign the register, then you can switch him with your godfather and your GF will still have a role if that happens.

I think that if your dad does not have the self awareness and presence of mind to understand why you are concerned then the problem may not be manageable on the wedding day.

Good luck! It's a tough choice.

I was going to say a similar thing. Is this something where when your dad is fine, he is aware of how he can be? If so, could it be that he would be more understanding because he knows what could happen and wants to avoid it as much as you do? Obviously it would upset him like you say, but it might be that he is willing to sit this one out for you in order to make sure he doesn't do anything that puts a dampener on your day.
If he is on board with doing this, then you could make plans to involve him separately - maybe show him your outfit before the day or something like that.

If it was me, like everyone else I would be inclined not to invite him - and even if I did, I would still have your godfather walk you down the aisle. If it's something you really want, I think you'd end up wishing you had your godfather with you if you chose not to.

I really sympathise with you - my mum has suffered from bi-polar manic depression since my older sister was born. For the last few years she's mellowed a lot & hasn't needed any prolonged hospital visits or anything like she did when I was growing up, but I remember only too well from when I was a child & how distressing it is for everyone when she's having a more 'manic' episode, especially in public. For me personally, I'm not too worried about her having any episodes as such on the day, more so that I don't think she'll come; she copes less & less well with big events like this as time goes by, & didn't come to my 30th birthday party for similar reasons (I think she worries so much about what people will think of her). However, I completely understand that you'd want to avoid anything like that happening on your wedding day with your dad.

Is it worth having a bit of a heart to heart with him whilst he's well if you can catch him at a good moment, to explain your fears & also to say to him that you understand that he might find it a very stressful environment & so would understand if he didn't feel up to attending?

My friend had a similar dilemma with her mum, they have a tough relationship (which is now non-existent since her wedding day) & she was worried about inviting her for fear of her causing a scene (with her dad & other relatives who she holds grudges with), but invited her anyway. Her mum lived up to expectations & ruined her day, it was very painful to watch & it's her biggest regret in life inviting her, so I totally get why you might want to avoid this happening. Don't feel guilty for thinking that way.

How long do you have until the big day? I'd recommend a chat with your dad if at all possible would be the first step, but good luck - I know how you're feeling xxx

I can't answer this question as it is such a personal choice, but I will say what I would do in your position.

I would invite your dad to the ceremony only and ask him to walk you down the aisle, during the wedding have someone you trust basically look after him while the ceremony is taking place, and for his health he may find the reception difficult as well, so if he goes home afterwards it may be better for him as well. That way if he does have an episode then he won't be there for the entire day but he'd have seen your vows which is the important bit. As for your godfather, with your dad only being there for part of the day, then you can ask your godfather to make the father of the bride speech and include your godfather in that way.

I do hope you make a decision you will be happy with, whatever you decide.

Great advice Tidal Wave.

Are you able to have an serious discussions with him at all or is he unable to remain calm? If you can I would sit him down whilst his calm and ask that he takes his medication at your request so he can attend your wedding. He probably doesn't realise the effects not taking his medication has and if there is any chance you can get through to him so he can be there on the day think it's worth it. I would also speak to the nurses and explain your predicimant and see if there is anyway they can encourage him from now until the day to take his medication. Even if he takes the medication I would avoid him walking you down the Isle as its not what you want but you could always have him waiting at the end to wish you well before your vows maybe?

As it's a long aisle, can you do both? Have your GF walk the first half with you, and then your Dad waiting half way down to take you to the altar?

That way if your Dad doesn't come/isn't well enough then your GF can just walk you the whole way, and it would represent the fact that they both had an impact on your upbringing.

Could you have BOTH of them walk you down the aisle? One each side- that way you don't offend either and if your Dad isn't well enough to attend on the day your God Father will be there and ready to go.

You could explain to your Dad that as you are so close to your GF you don't want to leave him out, and explain to your GF the rest of your concerns and ask him to help you out with it....

Hi all,

Thank you so much to all of you for your advice.

I ended up making the really tough decision to not invite my Dad to the wedding. He's not improved at all over the last couple of months and hasn't been taking his medications because he doesn't think he needs to. He's had several fall outs with his carers over this and kicked them out of his house. He also won't tell me who his new doctor is so I can't ask them how he's doing.

I also realised that even if he was calm and didn't cause a scene/upset anyone, I would be so anxious the whole time worrying that he would do something. And I just didn't want that. I wrote him a letter explaining why I had made the decision and telling him how much I loved him and would send him all the photos/video etc from the day. I showed it to several family members before sending and they all said they thought it was a good letter.

Unsurprisingly, my Dad didn't agree with my decision and was very upset but now the dust has settled a bit I'm very confident I made the right decision.

Oh and I asked my God Father to give me away and he was so sweet - gave me the biggest hug and said it would be an honour cos he loves me dearly. And yes, I cried my eyes out! (in a good way!)

Thanks again for all your kind comments and advice. I really appreciate it.

Since telling my family and close friends the decision I made, most of them have said they're so relieved at my decision because they were really anxious about him coming too. And agreed it was the right decision. They didn't want to say anything before I had decided in case it swayed me as it needed to be my decision. My in-laws even confessed they thought it would have been a disaster had he come!

I'm 2 months away now and unbelievably excited to marry the love of my life and can't wait to share it with loved ones! I do wish my Dad was well enough to come but if we waited for life to be perfect, we'd be waiting a flipping long time!

? ❤️ ❤️

Can't imagine how hard it must have been to make that decisions, but definitely sounds like the right choice, even if sad for everyone. At least now you can all enjoy the day without being on edge all the time. The next couple of months will fly by!

I think you have made the right decision and I know it wasn't an easy one. X

I've just read through this post and I don't envy you having to make that decision, although I think you've made the right one.

Could you do a photoshoot (or just photos in the garden) with you dad in a suit and you in your dress after your wedding so he still get's to see you all dressed up?

xx

Thanks for the update - I was wondering how things were going. I think if you feel at peace with the decision you've made then it's the right one, & you can relax & enjoy the last few months.

My mum has been very ill the last month or so too & whilst I still have 10 months til our wedding I am dreading the final few weeks as I know the stress of it all will make her ill again. With my mum, she tents to retreat away anyway when she's not well, so it'll probably be her that makes the decision not to come if at all, but still doesn't make it any easier does it xxx